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SD's friend can't come over any more...and here's why. - Page 2

post #21 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post
I'm shocked. Literally shocked. ...
Me too. For both of the reasons outlined by Katheek. I do not need to scrutinize male care givers any more closely than female care givers. I'm surprised and sad that it seems to be more common to do so. DH babysat as a teenagers in the 70s and he's MUCH better with children than me. He actually plays with them.....
post #22 of 120
That makes me sad, too. DH is a wonderful dad and really invovled parent. Your poor kiddo.
post #23 of 120
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
My thoughts almost exactly. One other thought came to mind, is it possible that this woman has been "poisoned" by your stepdaughter's Mother?
Pretty much impossible -- SD's mother lives in another (nearby) city, so I can't imagine they've even spoken to one another. (Remember, this lady was surprised to find out that SD's dad lived here rather than her mom.)

And we all enjoy a relatively decent relationship...SD's mom wants SD to have friends here. (SO: "We went to the pool with Jade and her mom, Kate." SD's mom: "Oh, good...I'm glad you all got some exercise...I hope you said hi to Kate for me.")

It's weird, how some people treat fathers...either they're all potential molesters, or they're incompetent. I can't even count how many times restaurant servers, the people with the samples at the market, etc., will turn to me and ask if it's OK if SD has something, right after her dad asks her if she wants it.

You all are right, though -- it's her issue. I wish it was an issue that didn't affect the kids, though. :
post #24 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jescafa View Post
I do think I'd tend to be a little more cautious if my daughters were going to be cared for by a man--I'd make an effort to get to know him personally, and forgive me, but I'd probably do a little background checking. Fair or not (b/c I probably wouldn't do it for a woman), that's just what my instinct would have me do.
I'm sorry, but your instinct is not telling you to get to a know a man personally, and not a woman. Your instinct isn't telling you to do any background checking, unless you're talking about something not seeming right about a specific person.

By all means, take whatever precautions you feel are necessary with respect to the people who have charge of your kids. But, don't call it instinct when it's not. If you do get to know someone and find that you don't feel comfortable leaving your kids with him/her, then I'd say that is your instincts doing their thing.

OP: I'd be offended, too. But, it's really her issue, not yours. I'm sorry your sd is being affected by this, though.
post #25 of 120
That is awful!!! I just don't understand the prejudice against men as caregivers.

One of my daughter's friend's parents divorced last year, and I remember another friend's mom saying that she could no longer bring her kids over when T was at her dad's house because "it wouldn't be appropriate" for her (the mom) to be in the house alone with him. :

If it were my dd whose friend had such a ridiculous mom, I would tell her the truth. I wouldn't want to lie about it.
post #26 of 120
Wait, it isn't just that he is male, right? She had no problem with her daughter coming over when she thought you were the biological mother and he was the stepfather. Why is your stepdaughter's father more dangerous to her daughter than your daughter's stepfather would be?
post #27 of 120
good lord?! is this woman on shrooms? i had no idea they still made that model until i ran into a few myself. at my baby shower some of DH's family were talking about the bad influances at a kid's school saying they fealt sorry for the kids who had such parents. i thought they were talking about meth addicts. turns out they were talking about the children of divorced parents. i laughed and said i'd not even married my 1st sons' father. for a second i thought they were going to pack up their baby booties and head home!

i think it might be a bad call to tell SD that the woman won't let friend play because of the divorce or related issues. it's hard enough on a kid and she's young yet. of course i don't know what else to suggest you say so maybe the truth really is the best. you sure you couldn't have your DH talk to the mom again if the friendship is important to SD?
post #28 of 120
Wow. When I read points 1 and 2 in the OP, I was getting ready to say that I could see where she was coming from, as in not wanting only a man at the house, especially a man she doesn't know. (Yes, it's unfair, and no, I don't subscribe to this blindly myself, but I always let a parent know if only dh would be home for the playdate. It's just a sad fact of life that we are more paranoid about men than women.)

But the rest? OMG, I just wouldn't even know where to start. I'm so sorry.
post #29 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
This, I have no problem with...I like to at least know who I'm dropping SD off with, regardless of gender. I understand an abundance of caution.
I would have to *really* know an adult male who I'm 'dropping DD off' with. Like, really really know. It sucks but what is it? 95-98% of sexual abusers are heterosexual males in their adult sexual interactions? I read that stat a long time ago, but it is an overwhelming majority. And many, many children, especially girls, are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Like, a LOT.

I simply am not willing to take that risk. I put men through an extra screening, and honestly there are only a few who I trust with my daughter. I definitely trust a much larger number of women with her.

It sucks, but unfortunately until men stop molesting young girls, that is how it has to be. No offense against anyone's husband, and honestly I would expect my friends to understand that I need to protect my daughter. It's not personal. It's statistical.
post #30 of 120
But, as someone else mentioned, what difference does it make if the man is the girl's father, living with the stepmother...or the mother, living with the stepfather?

OP: Was this woman totally unaware that there was a man living in the house at all?
post #31 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
But, as someone else mentioned, what difference does it make if the man is the girl's father, living with the stepmother...or the mother, living with the stepfather?
That's the crazy part, IMO.
post #32 of 120
Heck, one of my daughter's friends wasn't allowed to come for a sleepover because my son would be in the home. Whatever. I wasn't going to toss my boy to the curb for the night.
post #33 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I would have to *really* know an adult male who I'm 'dropping DD off' with. Like, really really know. It sucks but what is it? 95-98% of sexual abusers are heterosexual males in their adult sexual interactions? I read that stat a long time ago, but it is an overwhelming majority. And many, many children, especially girls, are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Like, a LOT.

I simply am not willing to take that risk. I put men through an extra screening, and honestly there are only a few who I trust with my daughter. I definitely trust a much larger number of women with her.

It sucks, but unfortunately until men stop molesting young girls, that is how it has to be. No offense against anyone's husband, and honestly I would expect my friends to understand that I need to protect my daughter. It's not personal. It's statistical.
:
I don't have a daughter but I am as cautious with my sons around men too.

With my history of sexual abuse....father of a friend, male babysitter and my own stepfather I can't help but be cautious of who is around my kids. As a child I was surprised when adult men didn't approach me in a sexual way because it happened so often.

And yes I know that women can sexually abuse too but I raise my kids based on my experiences, right or wrong.

I babysit often and if any parent were concerned about my husband being alone around the kids I would understand that. I'm glad that many of you don't have sexual abuse "issues" but please don't discount those of us that do.
post #34 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Pretty much impossible -- SD's mother lives in another (nearby) city, so I can't imagine they've even spoken to one another. (Remember, this lady was surprised to find out that SD's dad lived here rather than her mom.)
Okay, Just asking. Personal experience, you know. Apparently, all divorced Fathers and their wives are evil.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
Why is your stepdaughter's father more dangerous to her daughter than your daughter's stepfather would be?
Good question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I simply am not willing to take that risk. I put men through an extra screening, and honestly there are only a few who I trust with my daughter. I definitely trust a much larger number of women with her.
But why? Isn't it just as likely that you could send your child to someone's house that, because tney are female, you consider them "safe" and they could have a male friend or their brother or their male neighbor that could be in contact with them?
post #35 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdedmom View Post
:
I don't have a daughter but I am as cautious with my sons around men too.

With my history of sexual abuse....father of a friend, male babysitter and my own stepfather I can't help but be cautious of who is around my kids. As a child I was surprised when adult men didn't approach me in a sexual way because it happened so often.

And yes I know that women can sexually abuse too but I raise my kids based on my experiences, right or wrong.

I babysit often and if any parent were concerned about my husband being alone around the kids I would understand that. I'm glad that many of you don't have sexual abuse "issues" but please don't discount those of us that do.
Um, I have those issues, too. But the OP isn't even talking about her dp being "alone" with the kids.... she would be there, too. So I think what we're discussing: re: leaving our kids all alone with men we don't really know - is a totally different thread altogether. Right?
post #36 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
But why? Isn't it just as likely that you could send your child to someone's house that, because tney are female, you consider them "safe" and they could have a male friend or their brother or their male neighbor that could be in contact with them?
It is not 'just as likely' as a lone male caregiver, no. But at the same time, yes I am aware of who is around my child and how much supervision is given by the person in charge of keeping her safe, and I judge each situation according to those and other criteria.

Jdedmom - I am sorry to hear about your experiences. And, I wish stories like yours were less common. I hope for the day that they are!
post #37 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by candiland View Post
Um, I have those issues, too. But the OP isn't even talking about her dp being "alone" with the kids.... she would be there, too. So I think what we're discussing: re: leaving our kids all alone with men we don't really know - is a totally different thread altogether. Right?
I see it as on a continuum. Honestly I don't know what I would do in the situation presented by the OP. Would depend on how well I knew her and her partner.
post #38 of 120
You know, this sounds to me more about the SD's friends mothers betrayal in her own life- not the op and her so. I reallly don't think that this is about sexual abuse either. I think this woman believes that ALL divorces are the result of adultery, and that when the divorcee has a so- then she is automatically the "other woman". Total Melarkey!

I would count your blessings, as this lady seems to be a train wreck and you really don't want SD around such a disaster.
I would tell SD that the friend's mom doesn't want friend to come over anymore, because the mom has problems. I think that being honest to some degree would be benifical. IMHO that is!

ETA: I would be VERY upset and angry also!
post #39 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I would have to *really* know an adult male who I'm 'dropping DD off' with. Like, really really know. It sucks but what is it? 95-98% of sexual abusers are heterosexual males in their adult sexual interactions? I read that stat a long time ago, but it is an overwhelming majority. And many, many children, especially girls, are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Like, a LOT.

I simply am not willing to take that risk. I put men through an extra screening, and honestly there are only a few who I trust with my daughter. I definitely trust a much larger number of women with her.

It sucks, but unfortunately until men stop molesting young girls, that is how it has to be. No offense against anyone's husband, and honestly I would expect my friends to understand that I need to protect my daughter. It's not personal. It's statistical.
Yup...I agree. I don't have any girls, but we will be just as cautious with our sons as well...
post #40 of 120
For people concerned about men being around their kids -- why is the divorce and step-parenting even the issue? From your rationale, wouldn't it be just as risky to send your child to a home where both the child's parents are married to each other?
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