2yo hitting 90yo great-grandmother...

[i*wish]

...repeatedly. This is a long story but if you can help I'm so grateful.

I'm not sure what was going on and I'm not sure what I should've done. I do know that what I did do was *not* correct!

I'm new here but I've been reading this forum for awhile...I knew that I would need it at some point!! The world of GD is very new to me...luckily this is my first child and distraction has been fabulous thus far. I don't know if I'll ever reach the UP point but that makes sense to me. I was raised with lots of punishment, shaming (i guess...) and the 'children are to be seen and not heard' mentality..I got swatted a bit too (pinched, slapped, etc). My parents (my mom mainly) are very loving and did they're best with what they thought they knew at the time....

Just looking for some insight ....for next time?

Here's what went down. DD standing on chair next to my grandmother...My grandmother was freaked and was telling her 'no, no, no..you'll fall' and trying to help her down. DD got miffed and swatted at her. Ok, I get that.
My nana thought this was funny and laughed...I get this was not good either. I took DD out of the room and explained to her that we don't hit, that hitting gives owies and that that's a no no. Gentle touches only. Usually in this situation she would move onto something else. On this day she went right back to my nana and swatted her. She wasn't laughing either, she had this very serious look on her face (pouty but serious). This is where I mess up b/c now I'm embarassed and horrified and mad. So I remove her again and then I'm pretty much holding her and speaking sternly. Then, because I feel the need to put on a show, I ask her to go show me gentle touches with nana... She goes and swats her again.! This time I pick her up and she reached to my nana like she's going to hug her so I lean her in and she grabs her shirt collar and tries to pull her! Then I put her down and tell her "we don't hit ...gentle touches...show me gentle" and nana had her arm on the chair and DD mouths her arm and nearly bites her!!! OMG, so embarassed. Now, she's *just* turned two. My nana thinks this last little bit is too much so she starts laughing again. I'm beyond horrified so I take her upstairs and review all above....She comes back downstairs and plays a little on her own and then walks up to nana and swats again...now she's laughing. She repeats this a couple of times and I'm trying not to react too much but just to say we don't hit and help her play with something else.

Phew...If you've read this far: Thank you! I so want to do this discipline thing right! But I feel so lost! What do you think was going on with dd?? What should I have done??? I think I should've just reacted very minimally to the initial 'assault' and moved her on to something else fun. I'm pretty sure that nothing would have escalated had I done that. How do you remember what to do when you are 'in the moment'...How do you not get embarassed? How do you 'keep your cool'? I know these questions have been asked and discussed... I just couldn't do it and it was pretty nearly the first time I've had to deal with anything 'serious' (no, I don't think this was too too serious but I was definitely feeling angry )

Most importantly: How do I explain to people (my family) how I'm discipling dd when even I'm confused on what I'm doing! (I kind of know but hindsight isn't really helpful....). I just don't have the confidence that I'm doing things 'right'. I know it's none of their business and I don't owe them an explanation but she was hitting my grandmother! They don't ask me about discipline or tell me what to do...it's not ever been discussed except they know I won't spank. I think they think if I'm a 'non-spanker' that I should at least be doing 'time outs' or something else they've heard of. (I know they sound awful but they're really not....)

Ok, way too long...I'm so sorry. If you can help me in any way I'm so so appreciative. I just want to do this as best I can for my daughter.......

[j924]

My oldest dd was able to know her great grandmother. The ages are almost identical as your dd and gg are now. So reading your post all I could think was how lucky you and your dd are to have that great bond with her. I thought it was beautiful that she never got angry with your dd. The laughing didn't help but much better than the alternative. I think the only thing you could have done differently was to change the scenery. Maybe go outside, have a snack, play upstairs. When my dc are bent on doing something it is always easier to remove it or them than to reason with them. Other than that you did nothing wrong. Enjoy your dd and your grandma. They both sound great.

[mamaduck]

I'm wondering if your nana had any advice for you? I'd be interested to hear her take on the incident. I'm sure that at this point in her life, she has some wisdom about childish behavior.

It sounds like you didn't do too badly -- you don't have to beat yourself up for feeling angry. YOU didn't do anything to feel ashamed about.

If I were to hazard a guess, I would suspect that your dd just got sort of wired up, frenzied, and maybe embarassed. Sometimes kids get nervous when they are corrected for misbehaving, and then act out more because they feel nervous and don't know what else to do. Its not your fault though.

Most importantly: How do I explain to people (my family) how I'm discipling dd when even I'm confused on what I'm doing!

I would probably just say that you are feeling your way along and learning alongside your dd.

I really think you are doing fine!

[smeisnotapirate]

I agree with PPs. I think you handled it fine. Next time, maybe redirecting immediately would be fine (esp since gg wasn't offended). At two, I think it's hard to immediately process things like that. Maybe then as a bedtime story, you can tell it to her as a story and right before she hit her gg in the story, be like "What should Amy (making up a name for your daughter) do?" Maybe then it'll help her make connections a little better and feel like she's part of the process.

But I think you did a fine job. Relax! It's a learning process.

[nextcommercial]

Well, I don't know what you could have done differently, other than keep the distance between them a little sooner.

It sounds all very typical to me. Grandma is 90. She has seen it all, and this didn't seem to bother her. Your dd is two, and she was acting like a very young two year old.

A lot happens in this one year. I think they change so much between two and three. She will grow up a lot, and three months from now, she will have different skills for handling her anger.

This will be a great story in 20 years. "When you were two, you tried to take Granny down".

[i*wish]

Thank you all so much for your replies.... I'm so glad you don't think that I botched things royally...

j924: you're right, we are so lucky to have such a close relationship with my mother and her mother... many (most?) aren't as fortunate and I definitely realize that! Nana loves dd soooooooo much.... I know she adds so much to her life....they visit every week and just can't get enough of 'the baby'.

mamaduck: welllll, nana's advice probably not the best...When I came into the room after maybe the second 'incident' (dd was in the other room with her father) my nana asked "where is she? in her crib?" I do think, though that dd was definitely wired/overstimulated (thanks for pointing this out)...Do you think a barely 2yo can be embarassed? I wonder...it would make sense if she were.

smeisnotapirate: very good advice, thank you. i don't think she'd understand the story idea just yet but i'm going to tuck that one away!

nextcommercial: already journaling this 'situation' for her to look back on. It was the most unbelieveable display....2yo attacking 90yo.... :


Thank you all again!!

[eggsandpancakes]

[QUOTE=i*wish;9491660]
welllll, nana's advice probably not the best...When I came into the room after maybe the second 'incident' (dd was in the other room with her father) my nana asked "where is she? in her crib?" I do think, though that dd was definitely wired/overstimulated (thanks for pointing this out)...Do you think a barely 2yo can be embarassed? I wonder...it would make sense if she were.
QUOTE]

no only is a two year old capable of feeling embarassed, they instinctively understand what results are appropriate. And actually, putting your daughter in her (crib, playpen, rug with toys) was not a bad idea. She needed the down time.
Not knowing your kid, I can say that when my daughter repeatedly engages in such behavior, it is seeing if the response is going to stay consistent. When she hits, i tell her i don't like that, and if she hits again, I will put her on the floor. when she hits again, i set her on the floor. So she crawls over to dad, gets picked up, and hits him. Rinse and repeat. Fortunatly, the hitting is almost gone now, after about a week.

[i*wish]

Originally Posted by tinahiggins

no only is a two year old capable of feeling embarassed, they instinctively understand what results are appropriate. And actually, putting your daughter in her (crib, playpen, rug with toys) was not a bad idea. She needed the down time.
Not knowing your kid, I can say that when my daughter repeatedly engages in such behavior, it is seeing if the response is going to stay consistent. When she hits, i tell her i don't like that, and if she hits again, I will put her on the floor. when she hits again, i set her on the floor. So she crawls over to dad, gets picked up, and hits him. Rinse and repeat. Fortunatly, the hitting is almost gone now, after about a week.

Thanks Tina for this reply. Isn't this like a time out? Don't time outs not work? I'm so confused! This is all so new to me. I definitely separated her for a bit after each 'incident' but she just seemed intent to go right back to hitting nana. I really was (am?) at a loss...... Hopefully we won't have a repeat of this down the line. I mean I hope my earlier intervention will curb the issue!
Thanks again

[eggsandpancakes]

it's not really a time out, because you provide lots of "quiet" toys like stuffed animals and a favourite blankie. And no crying allowed, at least in my house. If she's not willing to play on her own, walking or reading a book might help. The reason the crib works, at least in our house, is because my daughter has been allowed to "arrainge" it the way she likes. We got there by me putting her favorite toys and blankies in there, and anything that got flung stayed gone. When i change the sheets, everything gets neatly put at the foot of her bed, and in the mornings when she gets up she plays by herself for about 10 or 15 minutes before she calls for me.
you are a good mommy, and remember to trust your instincts!