Planned homebirthers that transfered to the hospital: Support thread x-posted in HB

[meggles]

X-posted in homebirth

Anyone else in this boat?

I'd planned a hb ever since I started getting into doula-ing and midwifery, so about a decade ago. My hb did not go as planned because I discovered thick meconium after the first day of early labor (my water had ruptured already). So, dd was born in the hospital, healthy and pink. We didn't end up *needing* to be there when all was said and done. I'm happy I had a healthy baby and would consider my birth experience pretty good overall, but there were a lot of things I had to compromise on and I have mixed feelings about it. My dd is 9 months and I'm just starting to work on processing the whole experience, good and not so good.

I'm happy that I was able to push my dd out after 40 hours of very tiring, excruciating back labor, that she was healthy, that my midwives and dh were there supporting me, and that she bf minutes after birth and was with us the entire time we were in the hospital. I'm saddened that: I had to get Pitocin for being stalled at 8cm (so basically in transition) for 4 hours, the OB did not do delayed cord clamping and cutting, there was no birth ball, stool, bar, or water tub to help me with contractions, I was distracted and "in my head" because I wasn't in a familiar environment, I tore badly (the OB had her fingers inside of me while dd was crowning--not sure if this is why or not), and overall, the birth wasn't blissful or empowering. It was intense and I felt strong afterwards, but the process itself wasn't what I imagined it would be at all. (Not sure how much this has to do with being in the hospital and not at home). I also hated everyone bothering me after I gave birth--pediatricians, nurses, LC, and all of the paperwork and nonsense they make you go through before you're discharged.

Anyhow, I wanted to start this thread to give those of us that did end up having hospital births the chance to do any processing or sharing we wanted to do. How was your transfer experience? And, if you've had prior or subsequent homebirths, how have they compared?

[JanetF]

I've written lots about this. Here is some of it:
http://www.joyousbirth.info/articles...freebirth.html
http://www.joyousbirth.info/articles...onologues.html (Mine's the first one)
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ht=janet+conor

They're kinda in backwards order there. I've also written heaps on MDC on healing and how I've done, and how I support others to do it Feel free to PM. Time poor here

[StacyL]

I had a planned UC that ended in a hospital transfer that was a MUCH worse experience than yours. It took me a long time to get over it, but I did eventually. It exacerbated and resurfaced PTSD in me from a previous trauma years before.

The good news is that I had a HB 20 months later that was truly wonderful in its "ordinariness." That went a long way toward healing the past horrifying hospital experience.

I am pg again now and look forward to another "uneventful" HB.

[JamieCatheryn]

I had planned to UC but had a long labor and an urge to push that started at 4cm (after 30 hours) when my water broke and his head moved low. Was afraid I'd need an epi to numb that urge and keep me from swelling the cervix. Managed to get dialated without intervention though with a lot of fighting against the urge and a ton of position changes. Apart from a ton of annoyances and a bag of abx the hospital exerience was kinda ok. Would have definately rather not had the nurse (who was helpful though) and the doctor (she showed up just at crowning, I didn't even meet her that I remember) standing there watching me push DS out. DH still caught though. I kept in a good state of mind though, where this experience was mine, these people might annoy me, might help me, but they aren't in charge of me. After was bad though, sure they respected my denials - hepB, vitK, immediate eye ointment, nursery stay, but they popped in every few minutes all day and night, didn't let us cosleep, I ended up with 60 hours straight without sleep, and the shampoo/soap they provided did nothing to degrease me so I felt nasty, and it was a lifeless "sterile" place when I was on this great hormone high that could only really be met with sky, sunshine, plants, and fresh air (next day out we went to the park, it was awesome).

I am really looking forward to my next one. We have a house now so it'll be even more ours and more comfortable than the apt. My bedroom is great, spacious, with a fireplace, attached bathroom with a pretty nice tub. I'll have a homebirth midwife on call next time for if I want anything checked on (dialation, heartbeat) or some professional support for any reason.

[prancie]

I am in this boat as well. I am 5 weeks past a planned home waterbirth. I transferred due to depressed fetal heart tones during contractions and ended up with an emergency c-sec. (cord compression...it was alongside his head) I believe that the C-sec was at least within reason, though there may have been a couple of things to try had the stars lined up differently. I have to say that while I don't regret the c-section, I am very very sad about it. I didn't see my son's birth, I was the last to see him...his own mother! I wanted to be the first to touch him, and i wanted to give him the gentle birth that every baby deserves. I am looking forward to the next birth...I feel like I need to make something right that was wronged.

[mrskennedy]

Originally Posted by prancie

I feel like I need to make something right that was wronged.

Me, too! DS was born UC, and we went to the hospital the next day after the ILs and CPS interfered. I know better now and feel it was all my fault--even though it really wasn't. I've always wanted 2 children, but I want this next one even more now, and I won't be satisfied until he/she gets the birth he/she deserves. NO ONE knows my birth plans; I feel the need to protect myself and babe. Still healing... Hoping all goes well next time with no emotional crap. Babe is due in June '08.

[Tofu the Geek]

Here's my story http://www.mothering.com/discussions...77&postcount=1

The 28 hours total I referenced was from beginning of active labour until birth.

During pushing stage my doctor was on his way (our midwives aren't licensed here so they require you to have a back-up doctor) and the on call doc kept telling me when to push and trying to get me to lie on my back. But I ignored her, stayed on my side with my midwife balancing my leg on her shoulders, and my body did its own pushing. When my doc arrived, the on call doc bolted and my doc let my midwife deliver the baby. I stayed side lying and I did not tear. I found out after that side lying is apparently a great position for a posterior baby, so my body must have known!

My hospital stay was really brief. I would have been gone less than hour after she was born, but they thought I should stay for some breakfast since I had been awake for somewhere around 48 hours. It took forever to get me my breakfast, so we ended up leaving about 2 hours after she was born. We got home around 9:30am and the morning was beautiful, slightly cool, but sunny. It was a REALLY good feeling to get home.

I am still totally upset about the whole process and DD is almost 14 months. DH has mentioned having another baby a few times and I tell him he's crazy because I'm not thinking about it for a LONG time. This is because I am frightened as to what the next birth would be like. There were times during this labour that I honestly thought that me or the baby were dieing, and I couldn't take that feeling again.

I am also turned off of homebirth right now. I felt home was a little distracting and I thought it would be more comfortable. I was worrying about how the essential oils I used in the tub would affect our tub jets, if the blood and water that got on the floor was going to ruin our cork flooring, and it went on and on. I may have been worrying about those things to keep my mind off of worrying about the baby taking so long, I just don't know.

Right now, I think I would like my next birth (if there is one) to be in a birth centre. That way, I don't have to be in the hospital, but I get the space I need to focus, and can have that good feeling arriving at home (I had that same good feeling after my 1st birth which was a planned hospital birth since I didn't have enough money for a homebirth that time). The sad part about this? We don't have birth centres here, or anyway near here. And even if we get one, it likely wouldn't be in time for a next baby as it would be YEARS away.

[meggles]

Aw, thanks for sharing.

While my dd's birth wasn't really that bad at all, I'm also both looking forward to another (peaceful and at home) birth. However, I'm really not ready for it in any way, shape, or form. I suppose after some time and more processing, I will be. In some ways, I feel like any sort of birth trauma or stress can only be healed with another, better birth. Wishing you all strength in your healing...

[Evergreen]

I'm here too....unfortunately :

[Evergreen]

My little one is a year old.

It seem s so unreal to think that everything happened just a little over a year ago. I was one of those judgmental homebirthers. The really annoying kind who when ever anyone mentions something remotely uncomfortable about hospitals quipes, "Seeeeee, that's just one more reason why I will never give birth in a hospital." Fortunately, that killer staph wasn't all over the news then, because I just know I'd be spouting off about it!

I did, though. I transferred with my second child for non emergency reasons 40 minutes before she came out. It was a long, difficult birth complete with exhaustion and a wicked cervical lip, and two transitions, a cervix that went from fully dilated back and back again.

I must say I am humbled. But even though I was an annoying holier-than-thou homebirther, I still feel very upset, betrayed by myself and everyone around me and utterly depressed about the entire situation.

My first birth was long (29 hours) and difficult, I guess I was expecting number 2 to be a breeze and when it was nearly twice as long and getting complicated I panicked and gave up. There isn't much else to it. I made the decision to go get an epidural, which I didn't get . All in all I am humbled.

I find myself wanting to get pregnant again to negate that experience. To do it the "right" way and not give up. I'll actually eat iron rich foods, not gain 60 lbs, take my CalMags, sleep between contractions, everything I could have done last time to ensure it happens at home, unassisted this time. Now is a really bad time to get pregnant, though, and I am afraid that as soon as my fertility returns I will do it anyway just to get the experience I wanted. Anyone else feeling this way?

[katsam]

Glad to see this thread.
I am 8 weeks PP. I had a perfect problem free pregnancy until I went past my due date. At 1.5 weeks overdue my midwives required me to have an ultrasound to check on baby. The ultrasound tech thought she something wrong with my baby's heart, but couldn't tell for sure. However, she didn't tell me this during the exam, I found it out at my appointment the next day and also was told that I had an appointment that afternoon with a specialist to get a better understanding of what was going on. I had an earlier 20 week ultrasound and everything looked fine, so this was a huge shock. I am an emotional wreck at this point. The specialist can't really say what he might see either, except there is a small ballooning area by the aorta. He, my midwives, and my midwives back up Dr. decide I need to deliver at a hospital with a NICU just in case. At this point of course I am not really even thinking about my home birth, just hoping my baby is okay. They give me four more days to go into labor, and set up an induction date if I don't. The midwives I saw belong to a practice with three midwives that alternate being on call. The on call midwife tells me that I will probably want to think about an epidural so I can be awake in case I need a C-section. It seemed like everything I hoped would never happen to me was beginning to take place. My induction day comes, two weeks and a day past my due date and still no baby. I go to get induced and the new on call midwife recommends that I start the induction by breaking my water and using an electric breast pump. I feel overjoyed that I might be able to have some control over the situation. The plan worked and labor was fast. Pitosin was suggested a couple of times for no reason at all though which was weird since I was obviously in active labor at the time.
My baby was born and her vitals were perfect. An ultrasound showed the same ballooning in her heart, but the cardiologist said it should go away by six weeks. It did.
I am so grateful my baby is fine, and I know that was a chance that I could not take. However, I still feel cheated somehow. Hugs to everyone dealing with these feelings.

[DoomaYula]

I could have written Evergreen's post -- about the feelings, not the exact experience. I transferred after baby was born, for a retained placenta and a third-stage hemorrhage. It was fine, I was treated well by the staff and it was a lot smoother than I expected, but I still hate that I had to transfer at all. I hate that my dd's birth certificate will say she was born at the hospital because in AZ it's where the placenta is delivered that counts as where the baby is born. But she was born at home!

My labor with her and her birth were REALLY painful, and yet I find myself wanting to have another to do it right. Le sigh. My dh recently mentioned a vasectomy -- we now have 4 kids under the age of 5yo -- and I flipped out. I don't want another baby. I just want another chance to "do it right."

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

I could have written Evergreen's post -- about the feelings, not the exact experience. I transferred after baby was born, for a retained placenta and a third-stage hemorrhage. It was fine, I was treated well by the staff and it was a lot smoother than I expected, but I still hate that I had to transfer at all. I hate that my dd's birth certificate will say she was born at the hospital because in AZ it's where the placenta is delivered that counts as where the baby is born. But she was born at home!

My labor with her and her birth were REALLY painful, and yet I find myself wanting to have another to do it right. Le sigh. My dh recently mentioned a vasectomy -- we now have 4 kids under the age of 5yo -- and I flipped out. I don't want another baby. I just want another chance to "do it right."

Yes, I haven't even ordered A's birth certificate because I am thoroughly depressed about it. I also just packed up all my Born at Home with Love etc. onesies.

[DoomaYula]

There are no hb mws in our small town, and NOBODY homebirths. It's a very mainstream town, I'm the village freak with my cloth diapers and my non-circ'ed boys and non-vaxed kids.

I literally told everyone I met that I was planning a homebirth, and now I'm just waiting for the "I told you so" comments about how the hospital saved my life and my baby's life.

My midwife tells me I'm a perfect example of how birth SHOULD work: I gave birth at home, but went to the hospital because of a medical issue. That's great, but I don't want to be an example, I want to be a homebirther who did it all at home.

[katsam]

[QUOTE My midwife tells me I'm a perfect example of how birth SHOULD work: I gave birth at home, but went to the hospital because of a medical issue. That's great, but I don't want to be an example, I want to be a homebirther who did it all at home.[/QUOTE]

That's how I feel too.

[MamaCaveBear]

:::

Yeah, I'm here too. I feel like a statistic: Another failed homebirth. If my partner hadn't been so pushy about it, I would have told no one I was going to the hospital, or that she was even born until we were out of that #ellhole. Then I would have let everyone think she was born where she was supposed to be. It was a very embarrassing, shameful thing for me to go to the hospital. I too desperately want another baby to do it right. I wanted a do over before she was a day old.:

[Tofu the Geek]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

There are no hb mws in our small town, and NOBODY homebirths. It's a very mainstream town, I'm the village freak with my cloth diapers and my non-circ'ed boys and non-vaxed kids.

I literally told everyone I met that I was planning a homebirth, and now I'm just waiting for the "I told you so" comments about how the hospital saved my life and my baby's life.

My midwife tells me I'm a perfect example of how birth SHOULD work: I gave birth at home, but went to the hospital because of a medical issue. That's great, but I don't want to be an example, I want to be a homebirther who did it all at home.

Ditto to all of that! And what's worse is that my cousin is a nurse in the obstetrical area of our hospital so she helps with all births. While I was pregnant she told me how she hoped she'd be working when I came in to deliver. And I told her that I wouldn't be there! And then I end up in the hospital. At least she wasn't working that night but of course she heard about me being there because I think all the nurses were discussing the crazy lady who refused all drugs and had the doctor allow her midwife deliver the baby and who left straight out of the birthing room without being moved to a recovery room!

[meggles]

Originally Posted by Evergreen

Yes, I haven't even ordered A's birth certificate because I am thoroughly depressed about it. I also just packed up all my Born at Home with Love etc. onesies.

I had made a "born at home" onesie for dd and I added an "almost" in there, before the word born. No, it wasn't what I wanted, but it's true. Most of my labor was at home, so I try to remember that. I had a lot of quiet, calm, "me" time while I labored. Like a lot of you, I desperately want to have another chance at homebirth. It's like there's a piece of me out there that can only really be reclaimed by birthing at home. I'm going to have to wait a few more years on it, though. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

[DoomaYula]

I was laying in bed last night, nursing Sydney, and suddenly I flashed upon being in the hospital after my placenta was removed (along with a bunch of clots). I remember that I tried to get up and go to the bathroom and two nurses helped me, but I had to go back and lay down because I was too weak to walk. That happened twice. So I have to remind myself, I was really weak from hemorrhaging and I really needed help, so I feel it was necessary for me to be there. That made me feel a little better.

[Synchro246]

My first son was born after a transfer to the hospital. My labor started with my water breaking. He turned from LOA to LOT then LOP and was asynclytic. My cervix was scarred from cryocautery for HPV & I wasn't dilating. My cervix eventually gave way (it tore at some point in the dilation) & He was eventually pulled out with a vac.
I know all of these things are common in hospital transfers.

Even now, after two and three quarter years & a successful homebirth I still can't think too hard about what happened. Just opening this thread makes my eyes water.