A dear friend hurt by my lactivism... what should I do?

[queenbean]

I think I've hurt a friend by a thoughtless act. I run a lactivist group on Myspace. In my group I have a firm rule about not bashing formula-feeders, because that's not what the group is about -- it's about positive lactivism and finding positive ways to spread the word about breastfeeding and help nursing mothers succeed, not trying to make moms feel guilty for not choosing to breastfeed. However, someone sent me a quote by Elizabeth Gene about the difference between moms who can't breastfeed and moms who simply choose not to. I posted it on the group page, because I knew it summed up how a lot of my girls felt. It didn't tell the whole story of how I feel, but it served the group well, I thought.

My best friend used formula with her kid. I've never judged her for that, because she made the choice that she thought was best. She lives in a very backward small town where breastfeeding is discouraged, and she's never been much of an argumentative sort, so she went with the flow. Her doctor told her it wouldn't make a difference, and she believed him. Her son is healthy, and she's a fantastic mom. I've told her on many occasions that I think she's terrific, and that her son is an awesome little boy. However, she's now not speaking to me, and I have a feeling it's because of that quote on my group page. She's been ducking my calls, when I know it's not like her not to return a phone call.

I feel terrible about hurting my friend. But at the same time, I can't help how I feel, and I can't pretend this issue isn't important to me. I do'nt think it should have to come between good friends this way, but I will not back down from my ideals and walk on eggshells just to avoid conflict. I've already stopped posting important news stories and other things related to breastfeeding in my blogs, and I don't talk about the issue at all with her because we already had a similar problem a few months ago and I was trying to keep the peace. I dont' want to keep pestering her and force her to talk to me if she clearly doesn't want to, but I also hate being in limbo like this, and I want to know for sure if that's what's going on. What should I do?

[Can Dance]

you know I had something like that happen to with WRT my Facebook page. I just wrote her and flat out said that my passion about informing mothers was completely separate from anything to do with our friendship. we both just decided we would discuss other things, and never bfing. I am not sure she'll try it again on the next one or what, but we got it out of the way anyway.
I hate that its awkward for you though. Sometimes I wonder if that is the price of being true to who we are though.

[puddle]

I'm sorry for your hurting relationship.
Have you read this article?
It's beautifully written and I like the way it talks about the guilt that formula feeding mothers are made to feel. I don't know if you would want to share this with her or not, but it might help you articulate what you feel to her better at least.

[songbh]

I think you should do what one should always do when one's thoughtless action hurts a dear friend. Apologize.

Don't apologize for promoting breastfeeding. Apologize for hurting your friend's feelings.

I will also add that if the quote in question is this one:

"Women should not feel guilty if they are unable to breastfeed, but they *should* feel guilty if they are unwilling to do so, and they should be intellectually honest enough to know the difference." -Elizabeth Gene

...then I think it clearly is not in keeping with what you describe as the purpose of your Myspace group. How could this quote be interpreted as anything OTHER than trying to make moms feel guilty for not choosing to breastfeed? -- which is precisely what you say your Myspace group is not about.

[queenbean]

That is the quote. And the thing is, I posted it because some of the girls liked it, but then I thought about it and took it down. Because yo'ure right, it is about guilt, and that's not what we're about. The part that I liked about it was that it specifies that women shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to breastfeed, and that's why I posted it, but then a few days later I realized that it WAS imposing guilt on other moms, and that's not what I wanted to do.

I would love to apologize, because I am sorry for hurting her feelings. I would never want to hurt her. But she's ducking my calls. I have left messages on her machine asking her to call me back. I don't know how far I should push it. Like, do I keep calling? Do I email? Or do I let it drop?

[MamaBear1976]

Originally Posted by songbh

I think you should do what one should always do when one's thoughtless action hurts a dear friend. Apologize.

Don't apologize for promoting breastfeeding. Apologize for hurting your friend's feelings.

I will also add that if the quote in question is this one:



...then I think it clearly is not in keeping with what you describe as the purpose of your Myspace group. How could this quote be interpreted as anything OTHER than trying to make moms feel guilty for not choosing to breastfeed? -- which is precisely what you say your Myspace group is not about.

:

ITA, on all counts. I don't think apologizing for hurting her feelings means you're "walking on eggshells" or "compromising your principles."

And, fwiw, I think most moms who choose to formula feed don't do it because they're lazy or bad moms. I think they do it because they were never given a real choice to begin with (bullied by hospitals, doctors, family, spouse, and other pressures they may not even be able to articulate -- it all adds up). Guilting moms for choosing to feed formula is not lactivism. It's just mean (I'm not saying you're being mean; just speaking in general).

[MamaBear1976]

Originally Posted by queenbean

I would love to apologize, because I am sorry for hurting her feelings. I would never want to hurt her. But she's ducking my calls. I have left messages on her machine asking her to call me back. I don't know how far I should push it. Like, do I keep calling? Do I email? Or do I let it drop?

That's a tough call. Why don't you make her a card, using handmade paper (or something else equally thoughtful) and pour your heart out into it? I mean, make it clear to her that you realize now how hurtful that quote is, that when you posted it you were thinking of the first part of it (and not so much the second part), and that you didn't mean to be thoughtless... That you made a mistake... Nobody's perfect. How could she stay mad at you? (She still could, but you have no control over that. If you make a concerted effort to make your apology known to her, the ball's in her court at that point, kwim?)

[Decca]

Originally Posted by songbh

I think you should do what one should always do when one's thoughtless action hurts a dear friend. Apologize.

Don't apologize for promoting breastfeeding. Apologize for hurting your friend's feelings.

I will also add that if the quote in question is this one:



...then I think it clearly is not in keeping with what you describe as the purpose of your Myspace group. How could this quote be interpreted as anything OTHER than trying to make moms feel guilty for not choosing to breastfeed? -- which is precisely what you say your Myspace group is not about.

Absolutely. I'd take that quote off if you haven't already.

[queenbean]

Ok, I've been working on an email to her all morning. I'm trying to be true to myself and not apologize for things that I shouldn't apologize for, but I'm also trying to make her aware that I AM sorry if she was hurt, and that it was never my intention. I haven't sent it yet, because I'm still thinking on it.

I have a tendency to say things without thinking sometimes. In this case, it wasn't MY words, but when you quote someone else, it's as good as saying thsoe words yourself -- it's saying that you agree with those words. Which I don't. I really didn't think about the last part of the quote, I was mainly interested in the part about not feeling guilty if you can't, and the part about being honest with yourself. Some moms feel guilty for various things (not breastfeeding, vaccinating, etc.), and I feel that if you are being honest with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can, then you have no reason to feel guilty -- if you think you're NOT doing your best, then change it if you can and get rid of the guilt. Either way, guilt doesn't interest me. I realize that the quote goes against that, but I honestly didn't think about it at the time. And as soon as I did think about it, I took it down. I don't want that associated with me or my group.

Then part of me is wondering if this is all in my head, and maybe she's not ducking me. I'm almost afraid to send this email, because if she wasn't mad at me, if there's another reason she hasn't returned my calls, I'm afraid that putting this out there will MAKE her mad at me. Like, if she didn't see the quote before, my explaining myself will give her a REASON to be angry. But I suppose that either way, she needs to know my feelings on the matter. I'm just so upset about the whole thing.

[julie128]

Send the apology by hand-written letter. Don't mail it; put it in her mailbox personally. It will be much more meaningful to her that way. (Ergh. I'm seeing an analogy: hand-written letter=breastfeeding and email=formula.)

[queenbean]

Originally Posted by julie128

Send the apology by hand-written letter. Don't mail it; put it in her mailbox personally. It will be much more meaningful to her that way. (Ergh. I'm seeing an analogy: hand-written letter=breastfeeding and email=formula.)

She lives in another state, I can't deliver it personally. Good idea though. I might just send her a letter by snail mail. You're right, it is more personal.

[pixiepunk]

i agree you should apologize, because i think friends should always apologize when they know they've hurt someone's feelings. but i do wonder why it is your friend who doesn't breastfeed and seems to have no interest in lactivism spends time on your myspace page which is devoted to lactivism? i, for instance, have some friends who are pro-life - while i myself am vehemently pro-choice. we have agreed to disagree and not to discuss it, since we have a lot of other stuff in common and generally enjoy each others' company. but i would totally expect to get seriously offended if i wandered over to one of their pro-life blogs or myspace pages, and i wouldn't expect them to apologize to me for their views, even if i found them to be bashing my pro-choice stance. i knew their views ahead of time and chose to continue my friendship with them despite that difference in philosophy. if i want to stay friends with them, i need to accept that difference and not let it come between us.

and as a side-note, i think you can word your letter in such a way that you are apologizing not because you assume she was offended, but because you realized after the fact that what you posted was offensive and not in keeping with your mission.

[queenbean]

Originally Posted by pixiepunk

i agree you should apologize, because i think friends should always apologize when they know they've hurt someone's feelings. but i do wonder why it is your friend who doesn't breastfeed and seems to have no interest in lactivism spends time on your myspace page which is devoted to lactivism? i, for instance, have some friends who are pro-life - while i myself am vehemently pro-choice. we have agreed to disagree and not to discuss it, since we have a lot of other stuff in common and generally enjoy each others' company. but i would totally expect to get seriously offended if i wandered over to one of their pro-life blogs or myspace pages, and i wouldn't expect them to apologize to me for their views, even if i found them to be bashing my pro-choice stance. i knew their views ahead of time and chose to continue my friendship with them despite that difference in philosophy. if i want to stay friends with them, i need to accept that difference and not let it come between us.

and as a side-note, i think you can word your letter in such a way that you are apologizing not because you assume she was offended, but because you realized after the fact that what you posted was offensive and not in keeping with your mission.

We had an issue a few months ago where a mutual "friend," who also uses formula, was stalking me in my breastfeeding groups trying to catch me saying something offensive. One day a conversation got heated, and I said something offensive. She got angry with me over it, cut off all communication with me, and then went to my best friend and said it was about HER. It wasn't. My friend and I worked it out, but I've always felt like she didn't quite believe me. There's been a weird tension since then. I think that she's been quietly keeping tabs on me, trying to make sure I was telling the truth when I told her I didn't judge her negatively. I think this because some things have been said that she couldn't have known if she weren't checking up on me that way. I let it slide, because it wasn't a big deal, and I thought it had stopped.

I agree with what you said about how to word my letter. I'll try to do that, thank you.

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

I would snail mail an apology bc she was hurt by it. Other than that you are who you are, and you have your beliefs, and just like you have not judged her for formula feeding, she should give you the same respect w/ lactivism issues that you believe in.

[Jadzia]

I am going to disagree with most who have posted and say I don't see why you need to apologize. It sounds to me like she simply feels guilty for her choice and is turning it around on you, a tactic I see quite a bit from formula feeders. If she was truly happy with her choice, nothing you could say on your myspace page could make her feel otherwise.

Does she need to apologize to you for choosing formula? I don't see why you should tip-toe around her choices due to her own insecurities. I am so tired of the guilty masses turning it around and painting breastfeeders as militant, when we are the ones expected to modify our behavior.

[CherryBomb]

I agree with Jadzia. I don't see why you have anything to apologize for.

[Sharlla]

What was she doing on the page anyway? Obviosly it's a pro BFing space and I wouldnt feel bad if she came there and got offended. I would not take the quote off.

[rachelmarie]

I wrote some things in my blog - almost a few years ago now - in regards to formula feeding and breastfeeding that offended a friend of mine. She didn't hesitate to write me a really long email about why I offended her. I was sorry I wrote what I did because it wasn't very kind so I apologized for expressing it the way I did - but I did not apologize for the views I hold. We worked it out and are still friends, though not as close because our views on just about everything to do with parenting are SO different. We just don't talk about the stuff we disagree on which makes it easier to be friends.

If you value the friendship, try to smooth it over, but don't apologize for the views you hold or for having your lactivist group. Your friend is solely responsible for how she feels about and reacts to things. She chose to visit your group. She chose to get upset about a quote you posted. You can't do anything about her choices, you know?

I do hope it works out and you all can still be friends.

[Prugh12]

Id love to join your myspace if you would like to share the webpage!

[queenbean]

http://groups.myspace.com/lactivistsunite <---- the group

The reason I want to apologize is because her feelings were hurt. It was unintentional, but that doesn't make it any less painful for her. And she has been my best friend for years. And I did take the quote down, not because it offended her, but because like I said, it wasn't really true to my feelings or the group's agenda.

I do think we're drifting apart. She doesn't talk to me about the major things in her life anymore, and I don't trust her as I once did. If this doesn't work out, I'll be ok -- but I don't want to let my pride and refusal to apologize be the cause of it. If SHE can't get past it, then ok, but I won't let it be all my fault.