or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Ex signing kids away (Update #16, 25)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Ex signing kids away (Update #16, 25) - Page 2

post #21 of 27
Thread Starter 
My husband has been their primary dad for 8 years already. Wow, time flies! My 9 year old knows and approves the name change. My 12 year old doesn't know yet. This adoption thing has only been discussed with him for two days and he needs time.

See, he's overly protective of his father's feelings and status, even though he's never had to be. We've always maintained a very positive attitude about their dad despite how I truly feel about him. Anywhoo, my son's views are pretty skewed sometimes. He thinks a little differently than your general 12 year old on some things.

We try to let him absorb things that are the most important and present the rest when he's ready. Two days and him not seeing proof that his bio dad approves is not long enough.

He will know before the adoption is done, for sure.

We were going to leave it up to them whether they keep the name, change to my maiden name that I use, or change to my husbands. I think it would be best in the end if all 4 of my kids have the same last name so there's no feeling of division past biology.

Life with my oldest can be very very stressful and he needs to know as he goes into his teen years that he is always 100% "like" his brothers to us. We think it would be best if they all shared the same name and think it should be our decision at this time.

We've actually always told them that when they're an adult, they can change their last name to anything they want because they've asked us before if they can and we've said their dad would have to approve it so it probably won't be until adulthood. Funny how things change. Their bio dad is okay with the name change now.
post #22 of 27
I can totally understand the need to let things sink in for a couple days.
I wish I'd been given that chance, to let it sink in and have time to think about it, ask questions, be that involved, etc.

I don't think the name being different causes feelings of separation.

At least not for me, although we all had the same name.
I wished mine were different.

The biggest problems for us was my brother getting away with stuff because he was the oldest and a boy.
He did way worse stuff than I ever dreamed of doing, but he got away with it because he was a boy.
I perceived favoritism when it didn't exist because of my own insecurities.
My sister, being the youngest, and being my dad's 'real' child, always bothered me.
I was very aware of her being his. It was nothing my parents did or didn't do. It was all my interpretation of events.
I was a very sensitive child. I didn't like change.
I didn't want to share my daddy (my step dad) with anyone, certainly not another girl and give up my position as the baby, the only girl.
It was obvious to me, though, physically, that she was 'his'.
He had blonde hair, blue eyes. My mom had light brown hair, blue eyes.
My brother and I, dark brown hair, brown eyes.
My brother moved out at 18, and even during my teen years, I felt the odd one out, especially when we were in public.
The three blue eyed people were obviously related to each other and I was just the 'other'.

So, again, I'm rambling. Sorry.
But my point, I think, is that the name ended up being less important than everything else.

FTR, I think how you are handling things is wonderful.
I like how you are giving him the chance to think things through, no pressure.
post #23 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by GinaRae View Post

See, he's overly protective of his father's feelings and status, even though he's never had to be. We've always maintained a very positive attitude about their dad despite how I truly feel about him. Anywhoo, my son's views are pretty skewed sometimes. He thinks a little differently than your general 12 year old on some things.
I can totally relate to your son's feelings.
Even at the age of 11, I was concerned about my father's feelings and felt a big hole in my life without him.
Although, in reality, he was never rarely involved in my life and only under strict supervision.
I think your son's feelings are perfectly normal and they sound so familiar.

My father gave up parental rights to me and my brother when I was only 8.
I later found out he was so willing, because he already owed back child support in the amount of 11,000 for each of us, a total of 22,000.
So, part of his motivation to give us up was the fact that he wanted out of the CS
The other reason was, IMO, that he had remarried and replaced us with another boy and girl, so didn't really 'need' us anymore.

Yet, my point of view remained that I thought I'd lost my father.
I thought he was missing us and was heartbroken.
I completely fantasized and idealized my missing father.

He once wrote me a letter on my birthday (11th, I think) which my mother let me read. That only perpetuated my fantasy about him. He had nice handwriting. I wasn't allowed to contact him until I was 18, yet I didn't try to until I was 19. Maybe I didn't want my fantasy ruined by reality.

Eventually, it was. He's a snake. He's actually in jail right now for what he did to his other daughter and I feel awfully lucky that my mother protected me so much.
post #24 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
The biggest problems for use was my brother getting away with stuff because he was the oldest and a boy.
He did way worse stuff than I ever dreamed of doing, but he got away with it because he was a boy. I perceived favoritism when it didn't exist because of my own insecurities.
This happened in my family growing up - and yet we looked like twins and were 14 months apart, with the same mom and dad! We were just treated differently because of gender.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
It was obvious to me, though, physically, that she was 'his'. He had blonde hair, blue eyes. My mom had light brown hair, blue eyes. My brother and I, dark brown hair, brown eyes.
The three blue eyed people were obviously related to each other and I was just the 'other'.
I did a great job (accidentally) picking my hubby I guess. We all look alike. When my third son (his first) was born, I took photos of all the boys with daddy and had them developed and the developer gushed and gushed about how much all of hubby's kids looked like him.

Hopefully the name thing won't be too troublesome for anyone and just fade into the process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
I can totally relate to your son's feelings.
Even at the age of 11, I was concerned about my father's feelings and felt a big hole in my life without him.

My father gave up parental rights to me and my brother when I was only 8.
I later found out he was so willing, because he already owed back child support in the amount of 11,000 for each of us, a total of 22,000.
So, part of his motivation to give us up was the fact that he wanted out of the CS
The other reason was, IMO, that he had remarried and replaced us with another boy and girl, so didn't really 'need' us anymore.
My ex's core motivation was money. He says he just cannot support them any longer. He also has three boys "of his own" with his new wife. While he also says things like how great my husband is, how the boys can be a family here with him, etc. I think he's TRYING to justify and be a good guy, but the core reason is money. I don't ever plan to tell the kids that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
Yet, my point of view remained that I thought I'd lost my father.
I thought he was missing us and was heartbroken.
I completely fantasized and idealized my missing father.
The boys do that too. Totally normal I think, though it breaks my heart. No matter how many years and talks later, my oldest will sometimes ask about why we can't get back together, even though he loves his step dad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
He's a snake. He's actually in jail right now for what he did to his other daughter and I feel awfully lucky that my mother protected me so much.
I hope this helps remove the possibility of a hard future with the bio dad too. His own father is like yours and it seems my ex is slowly becoming him in some ways. He is not a good parent, he is an alcoholic and unstable mentally. He doesn't make wise decisions and his wife perpetuates the problems.

I went thru hell when my kids were tiny and going on overnights and weekends with them. Among other things I found inconceivable, they would lock themselves in their room for sex marathons while my sons were left to putter round the house at 1 and 4 years old with a step brother that was in between their ages but very very aggressive (to the point of throwing my 17 month old down the stairs).

He also took the kids on overnights at his father's house or had his father living with them for a while. His father being a known molester of his sister and possibly the older brother. I had to stop that FAST. It was the only time I witheld the kids from visitation until he made his father move out or stopped taking them to his house. I could just see one of the boys waking to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night while daddy is passed out and grandpa greets them. *shudder*

While my ex sometimes tried, I don't think he realized just how awful he was raising kids!

I moved across the state after a while - with one reason being so he would have less time with them. Finally he allowed me to move with my husband 3,000 miles away. I will do anything to protect them, whether my kids understand it or hate me over it. If I let them get hurt, I could never forgive myself and you cannot go back. So I fight to keep them safe, despite how unfair things might seem to them.
post #25 of 27
Thread Starter 
I got the relinquishment papers from the ex today! So if the investigator would contact us with paperwork and etc, we could definitely do this!!!
post #26 of 27
Thread Starter 
And of course he's already stopped paying child support
post #27 of 27
Well.......depending on how the relinquishment was worded, he might be within his rights to stop child support. I'd definitely check into it. Once it's finalized, he definitely doesn't have to pay support any more.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Ex signing kids away (Update #16, 25)