I dont understand my DH reasoning....just a rant!

[Longhorn]

So we decided we are going to start TTC in the Spring. We also decided that I would SAH once the baby is born. Well, I want to TTC now, but DH is making me wait....why you ask, because he thinks we will be poor once the baby comes. Ok, I get it, they cost money, but I plan on EBF and dont want to vax, etc, and perhaps even cloth diapering. Well I just DO NOT understand his reasoning. He makes $50,000 a year. I make $30,000. Our mortgage is $1200 and after taxes he brings home about $3000 a month. We paid off both our cars, and our largest bill is cable. All our bills total probably $500. So what is the big deal?! Is it just a 'guy' thing?! I also plan on taking in another child or using some of my EBay skills to do some thrifty shopping and selling my finds on EBay to make a profit to bring in some money while I SAH. It just frustrates me because I don't buy the money thing....I know people make it on far less. Plus, we do ALOT of eating out, partying, shopping, etc. That would cut back drastically with a newborn. *sigh* I just have to wait according to his timeline, because lets face it, I cant steal his sperm!

[mrskennedy]

I don't have to tell you this... But that's totally rediculous! I think you should sit down with him and ask him what else is bothering him. Unless he can't do the math or is expecting you to get all new-fangled baby stuff, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you'll be more than fine when the baby comes! So there has to be something else bothering him. (We make it with a baby on $1182/month, rent/utilities/etc and still have a small amount left over for savings. And I know the cost of living is different in every area... But really. $80000/year? And he's worried about being "poor?" :!) Hope you can get to the bottom of this!

[ChattyCat]

Why don't you make a budget using only his income? Save all of your income. That way you're saving up a nice cushion should something happen, and you're showing him that y'all can make it on his income alone.

[Longhorn]

Originally Posted by ChattyCat

Why don't you make a budget using only his income? Save all of your income. That way you're saving up a nice cushion should something happen, and you're showing him that y'all can make it on his income alone.

I have tried this tactic. We have a minimal amount of credit card debt, $3,000, and his 'crutch' if you will is saying that we have to pay off that before we can TTC. Which I suppose makes sense, but he doesnt comprehend that a baby 'marinates' for 9+ months! It drives me nuts. We can totally make it on $3,000 a month. And he is more than likely getting a promotion within a year where his income will go to $60,000 a year! I think this is just his way of postponing it. We got into the biggest argument of our entire relationship over TTC and I dare not bring it up again. I can live with the Spring as a target now, especially because it is so close, but 4 months ago it was a long target that I wasnt ok with. But it just bugs me because I think surely other people make it on far less! He didnt grow up with alot of money, maybe thats it?

[polyhymnia]

My DP is worried about this, too. THe financial aspect of children. We are not TTC yet but it is very important to him to be able to provide for his child(ren). By that I do not mean "make it", I mean it is important to him that he can pay for activities and tutoring and special treats and just the little things that all add up. I can respect that, and I understand that it is just part of what will make him a good father.

Babies don't cost that much money (aside from additional health insurance premiums, and carseats) for the first few months but eventually they DO start to cost more money; hand me downs seem to disappear for older kids, activities and school "stuff" cost money, they are invited to friends' houses to do things that cost money, etc.

I think the suggestion above about living on only his income is a great idea - can you do this from now until you give birth? That would build up a HUGE nest egg for you - your 3000 credit card debt would be gone in a matter of a couple of months from your income alone, and then your money would go right into the bank after that.. If you start TTC in the spring, let's say you have a baby in December 08 (conservative estimate) - if you start living on his salary now, you pay off the credit card in December 2007, that gives you a $30,000 cushion (less taxes, etc unless your 30k salary is take-home). That's a huge start toward solid savings! It would also help him see that you CAN live on his income alone, and hopefully he'll be more comfortable with it.

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by Longhorn

I have tried this tactic. We have a minimal amount of credit card debt, $3,000, and his 'crutch' if you will is saying that we have to pay off that before we can TTC. Which I suppose makes sense, but he doesnt comprehend that a baby 'marinates' for 9+ months! It drives me nuts. We can totally make it on $3,000 a month. And he is more than likely getting a promotion within a year where his income will go to $60,000 a year! I think this is just his way of postponing it. We got into the biggest argument of our entire relationship over TTC and I dare not bring it up again. I can live with the Spring as a target now, especially because it is so close, but 4 months ago it was a long target that I wasnt ok with. But it just bugs me because I think surely other people make it on far less! He didnt grow up with alot of money, maybe thats it?

If you can live off his income, then you should be able to do that and pay this off very quickly.

I would keep careful track of every single thing we spend (hey, I do that anyway, just makes sense) for hte next month and keep spending under his salary, putting all your salary toward the debt, after two months you will have proven (not just on paper) that you can live off his salary right now and you will have eliminated the debt.

[normajean]

I read recently that its estimated that a child costs $7000 a year to raise. I can't remember where I read that, but perhaps looking into the exact costs may help you at least have a ballpark figure.

However, I think in general there is never a good time to be able to afford a baby. You just never know what its going to cost, sometimes they have special needs that cost & cost & cost. But you find a way to manage. I hear people say they don't know how they are going to afford their 1st baby, then 5 years later they don't know how they are going to afford their 3rd baby, but they always seem to manage and no one is going hungry.

[savithny]

Okay, I kind of *do* understand some of your DH's reasoning.

First of all, the "we do a lot of eating out, partying, shopping, etc" thing. That's something you need to work on before you quit your job to SAH, because frankly, if yoiu have a thing for any of those, a newborn isn't going to stop you from spending money - you just spend money in different places, eating out in different restaurants, buying all those adorable baby clothes and WAHM-made diapers.

It sounds like perhaps that debt, and the likelihood of it growing, is a big concern of his. Debt doesn't disappear while the baby "marinates" for 9 months, and it doesn't magically disappear when you have a baby, and you said above that it will be having a newborn that will cut yoru expenses, not being pregnant -- so where is any evidence to his eyes that you can actually make it?

And -- while I'm sure you're confident in his abilities and the certainty of that promotion - but to blithely use that as a reason when discussing this with him may have seemed to him like you're counting your chickens before they've been promoted. I know when my DH was going through the process of promotion, that everyone assured us was a formality -- he still refused to do a single thing that looked like he was *assuming* that he'd get the raise. He's probably feeling like he shouldn't count his runs until they've crossed the plate.

If you want to convince him it can be done, you guys need to do it now. You need to cut back on the partying. Start having your income direct-deposited to a separate account and live on his. Sell it to him as quick debt reduction and a pre-baby vacation if you have to, but you're going to have to experience life on only one income to show him its possible.

[jennybear]

Usually, when people have CC debt it means that they are living beyond their means. If this is the case, I can see your DH's concern over money. If you have a hard time spending within your 80k salary, going to a 50k salary and adding a baby will be even tougher.

I agree with the suggestion to start saving your salary each month. If you can easily do this, I'm sure it will reassure your husband that you can make it on his salary alone.

You didn't mention this, but do you have a good amount of savings built up? I personally wouldn't TTC without a solid emergency fund.

[Ruthiegirl]

Well, I think your dh is smart to be careful. Having a baby is a huge life changing event. Going to one salary is a big life change as well. Give him a chance to ease into this. Why not meet him halfway?

You could pay down your cc debt very quickly. Just get rid of it. Show him you are ready and able to make the finacial changes that will be necessary to live on one salary. Cut out the shopping, get involved with the budgetting, be ready to talk about money - your savings and your long term plans.

We went to one salary 4 1/2 years ago. It is doable, but it does take a lot of committment. And I was the one who needed to make the most changes in my spending habits. It took me a while to figure out how to live on less. My dh sweated money worries for a while till things smoothed out for us. I wish I could go back and think things through more carefully.

[Amys1st]

It can be done. BUT, if he is not ready he is not ready. Hate to be the bad guy, but can you shelf the TTC talk for a while and tackle that debt?? Then start putting money into savings and keep living your life. You might be surprised at how quickly he comes around when you bring it up in 6-12 mos after this is all set and is on board. This also wont put off ttc too long.

[nd_deadhead]

Is it possible that this is about more than money? Maybe he just doesn't feel ready to have a baby yet, and playing the financial card is a lot easier than saying "Sorry, Honey, I don't want a baby as much as you do"?

I am a firm believer in waiting until BOTH partners are good and ready before TTC. You could be like me, and end up with twins! If we had been unsure about one baby, two would have been devastating. As it was, we considered the twins a blessing.

Meanwhile, pay off your debt and start saving at least a significant portion of your income - it's not a bad idea under any circumstances.

[Longhorn]

I agree that paying off the debt is a must, and we could easily tackle it and have it gone in 2 months if we tried, but I think DH doesnt want to compromise his 'fun times' right now. We both enjoy our friends and going out, etc. I am ready to put that aside and he is too, but according to him, he wants to use our tax refund to pay off the debt in full come January. It has gotten easier to swallow as the months go by because January is closer and closer, but in my mind we would have had it paid off by now if we had actually tried to pay it off.

I know we can make it on just one salary, we did this past year while I was in grad school and we managed to go skiing, go out with friends, travel, etc. I think that people automatically adjust to an income whether they realize it out not and I dont think DH realizes that we lived off far less than $50,000 last year when he was still in his old position. And we still had a car payment back then as well. So I know we can do it, its just hard to get him to see my point of view.

[jennybear]

It just sounds that, overall, your husband isn't ready for a baby quite yet. That's okay! You don't mention age, but assuming you don't need to worry about fertility issues quite yet (35+), why not just wait a year or two and re-visit the topic?

He'll be a much better Dad and a much bigger support to you when you have a baby if he's really on board.

[nd_deadhead]

If you're getting $3000 in a tax refund, you are having WAY too much withheld! Adjust your withholding so that the money goes in YOUR pocket (or bank account) every month, not the IRS's!

I try to adjust our withholding every year so that we come out about even, or pay in a few hundred dollars. Unless you absolutely cannot force yourselves to save money, and have to use the IRS as a forced savings program to have enough for a major expense, I suggest you do the same.

[Longhorn]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

If you're getting $3000 in a tax refund, you are having WAY too much withheld! Adjust your withholding so that the money goes in YOUR pocket (or bank account) every month, not the IRS's!

I try to adjust our withholding every year so that we come out about even, or pay in a few hundred dollars. Unless you absolutely cannot force yourselves to save money, and have to use the IRS as a forced savings program to have enough for a major expense, I suggest you do the same.

We got nearly $4500 back last year. We claimed my tuition, so that was about $1000 of it. But my DH has a largely commissioned based job, and Texas taxes those more heavily than regular checks, so I hear. But ya, we get alot withheld from his checks.

[mtm]

I bf, cloth diapers, bought used clothes so my babies were relatively cheap but we spent more than we thought we would on eating out (colic and cooking did not go together). And while babies can be cheap, as kids get older they start wanting to do swimming, music and activities that cost more so its not a bad idea to pay off the debt first and not have it over your head. I really like the idea of banking your salary in savings and living off his for a while to show him you can do it and get a nest egg.

[lmonter]

If he didn't grow up with a lot of money, I bet he doesn't want to deprive his own children or want them to go without like he possibly did. Which, honestly, could be a really tough fear to overcome.

I know both my grandmas had a thing with having huge pantries (heh, a quirk which I've apparently inherited) because they grew up/lived during the depression and food was quite hard to come by by today's availability standards, especially out in the rural areas they were in. They just didn't want to ever be without, which is why they both died with freezers (and a pantry) full of food.

I do agree with getting rid of all your debt and doing a huge savings spree. If you can save *all* of your salary and some of the hubby's in addition to paying off debts, you'd be in a much better place (financially) than dh and I were when we first got knocked up.

My hubby makes slightly more than yours, and that's the only income we've got. We have a house (with a mortgage slightly more than half of yours), my "hobby" of canning and gardening, his "hobby" of wood cutting and chainsaws, and have 2.5 kids. It can be done, but coming up with and sticking to a budget has made all the difference to us. Now I don't freak out about where we're going to get money for this or that or the other because we've planned for it - I seriously lost sleep over this stuff.


(By "hobby" I mean we both mostly have fun with it, but the garden feeds us and the canning keeps feeding us, and dh goes and cuts wood for our woodstoves/heat for the year - so they're 'useful' hobbies.)

[mum4boys]

Originally Posted by Longhorn

We got nearly $4500 back last year. We claimed my tuition, so that was about $1000 of it. But my DH has a largely commissioned based job, and Texas taxes those more heavily than regular checks, so I hear. But ya, we get alot withheld from his checks.

Huh I thought Texas had no state tax?

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by mum4boys

Huh I thought Texas had no state tax?

They don't, my salesmen brother and uncle both live there and the uncle moved specifically because there is no income tax (I was told he can pay his mortgage with what he saves in taxes over living in NJ). They both get paid mostly in commissions.