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Well, my mom is here - Page 2

post #21 of 92
Well, I do believe in self-elective euthanasia. Has she researched the logistics of this? Assuming she is competent, and in intractable pain, I assume that is a possibility in some areas of the world. Are there specific reasons that she is so negative? I get the impression she is a strong woman. Are there possibilities of cognitive therapy to help her direct her (growing) energies toward a more constructive focus? Perhaps, writing, dictation, other communication vehicles which allow her to connect with the world specific to her interests and passions?

Focus on what you/she can do, rather than what you/she can't do, and it can manifest!

post #22 of 92
Blessed, I had no idea this was going on. I am so, so, so sorry you're having to live this. I think you're being very strong in the face of many challenges, so feel free to vent and moan and complain as much as you like....I know I would be.
post #23 of 92
I have no advice, but I'll keep you all in my thoughts. What a difficult situation for everyone involved.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? It might be a good idea for you to have someone outside of your dh to help you deal with it all.
post #24 of 92
I am sorry to hear that. Your dd is going to learn a whole lot of nurturing from you. You are a wonderful daughter.
post #25 of 92
I can't begin to imagine trying to function on a daily basis with that kind of burden. You are a wonderful person for caring so much. Don't ever forget that.
post #26 of 92
Thread Starter 
Thanks everybody. But I'm a terrible person. I'm frustrated and short tempered.

Today the home nurse stole almost all of Mom's pain pills. She was a new one that we hadn't had before and we left to go hiking while she was here. When we came home the bottle was sitting on Mom's bedside table - which is inappropriate in the first place. She's not allowed to give my Mom any medication. Mom is totally incapacitated - cannot even lift her head off the pillow by herself or roll over without help - so there's no question that she couldn't get the pills herself, even with them next to her. She obviously left the bottle at the bedside as a ruse, so she could claim that Mom had taken the meds herself.

God, this sucks.
post #27 of 92
Blessed I am so sorry about your situation, and about the nurse. I helped my dad care
for my Mom from 1999 till last year when she passed. It brings up a lot of emotions
that are simply hard to deal with. There were times when I would hear my Mom calling
me from the other room and I would just want to cry. My dd and I lived here and dd had
times when she was afraid of my Mom. She got used to it, and at times it was like the
most normal thing in the world to her. When my Mom had her leg amputated dd was
very upset. She thought that the Dr had "stolen Memaw's leg". It took sometime for dd to
understand that having my Mom's leg amputated was in her best interest. In the end my
dd was given a huge gift for compassion that I don't see in many children.

Caring for a loved one in your home is so hard. So much of the control over our lives is just
shattered. The experience brought up so many feelings in me that I never expected. Be strong.
post #28 of 92
Oh my. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine. We are going through a much less severe situation with my grandmother- she is sick and will not go into assisted living and I see the toll it takes on the family emotionally, so I understand how hard it must be for you. You are amazing to take this on. I will be thinking of you and your family. I have not read any of your older posts but do you have any siblings who could help out? Or any other family members? At least it would give you a break to spend some time with your DH and children and do something fun.

I hope everything is going OK.
post #29 of 92
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Thanks everybody. But I'm a terrible person. I'm frustrated and short tempered.
Are you comparing yourself to the Mother Theresa crowd, or are you comparing yourself to we normal humans? Honey, even the best person would be frustrated and short tempered in your situation. This is a stage of your life where you're having to live in a pressure cooker, and NO ONE can stay themselves, or stay happy, or stay perfectly calm and accepting, in those situations. NO ONE.

This isn't fair. To you or your mom, or your daughter, or anybody. Everybody goes through "this" (an incredibly unfair, sad, burdensome stage) in their lives, and eventually this will pass.

Keep your eye on what matters. Put your energy into taking care of yourself, and in staying close to your husband (I don't know about you, but in situations like this I sometimes get really short and mean with the people I can count on), in nurturing your daughter, and in giving what you can to your mom. The rest of life can play second fiddle for a while. Nothing's going to get as much attention as you feel it should, but everything's going to be okay. Really.
post #30 of 92
Thread Starter 
Thanks. I just wanted to say, I was so discouraged this weekend. I can't believe how much everyone's kind words made so much difference.

ROM, I'm so touched by your encouragement, especially. It just meant so much.

post #31 of 92

You are a great person for taking such good care of your mom. Your daughter will learn a lot from you and her grandmother through this. I don't think it is always healthy to shelter children from older people and illness. WHile she was afraid at first, now she is doing better. Sometimes an elderly person and a 3 yo can be on the same wavelength.

Get more help if you can. Are there private case managers you can employ to help you get all of the appropriate services? An experienced competant case manager is WORTH it. They understand how medicaid works, know how to navigate the system which is overwhelming when you are busy changing diapers. I have an RN friend who does private case management. She coordinates caregivers, therapy, doctor visits, transportation, whatever they need help with. They KNOW who is reliable, good to use from pharmacists to caregivers. Perhaps the right person could help get the medicare b back, obviously your mom is not of full mental capacity to be expected to keep up with that. Also, changing diapers 3 times daily isn't enough to prevent skin breakdown, it should really be done more often.

Maybe start looking into nursing homes in the area...


I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill-health.
There is no way to escape having ill-health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love
are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground on which I stand.

Take care and vent all you need to here
post #32 of 92
((HUGS)) I don't know what I would do in your situation. It sounds incredibly difficult, but like you are handling it wonderfully. There are going to be tough spots, and spots when you just think you won't be able to get through them, but it will happen.
post #33 of 92
Thread Starter 
The difference between our moms:

When dh's mom visits, she does our laundry for us.
My mom complains about the noise the washing is making when dh and I do her laundry for her.

It's all just too depressing.

One of the general practioners in town came out to do a housecall and spent two hours going over my mom. Her only comment was "he didn't seem like he knew how to fix me." Later dd's babysitter told us that she was telling him that we lock her in the bedroom, won't let her out, withhold her medications, and won't let her get the medical help she needs.

This doc specializes in geriatrics and he knows she's crazy. But I'm sure she's saying all that and much worse to the homecare nurses every day. This is a small town and people love to gossip.

Yesterday she called dh into her room about 2 dozen times during the day (while he was working) because she wanted chocolate. She wouldn't accept that we were all working and that she would have to wait until then end of the workday so that we could go to the store.

Oh lordy.
post #34 of 92
I was drawn to your post because of the date you first posted this 10/23.. that was the day the dr told me my moms inner-cranial hemorrhage destroyed so much of her brain that she would never be able to live without a feeding tube and in a nursing home. I guess I was lucky enough to have a mom who was very clear with me and my siblings what we were to do in a situation like that. It broke our hearts but thats the day we decided our mom would die. As i read your story i see what the alternative would be. Everything my mom never wanted. As I grieve for her i am joyful that she is free. If you would like to see a site i created for her its at http://www.moonwater13.blogspot.com

I just wanted to send you some hugs ... and share a little bit from this side.. peace to you... Cherie
post #35 of 92
I couldn't read and not post. I know a little bit of what you are going through, but not nearly to the extent that you have to deal with. I'm so sorry you and your family are in this situation.

May I ask - how long is this going to go on? Is she ever going to be able to care for herself?

I agree that you are being a wonderful role model for your DD, but I also think there is the potential for your own self-destruction. You are clearly burning the candle at both ends and there is only so long you can continue like that without something having to give.

s I wish I could help you somehow. You don't live in Kentucky, do you?
post #36 of 92
Thread Starter 
Thanks for sharing, Cherie2. I really enjoyed the pictures especially. Your mom seems like she really lived her life fully.
post #37 of 92
I just took my mother (55) to look at retirement villages. She is wheelchair bound with numerous problems. And her mental health leaves her living with me NOT an option. She has bipolar disorder, schizopherania -of the paranoid variety, and smidge of disociative personality disorder from her traumatic childhood.

What you are doing is my worst night mare, and I give you mad propz for even doing it. You might not think so, but what you are doing is so massively awe inspiring. I KNOW I couldn't do it.
post #38 of 92
Thread Starter 
My mom has been this way her whole life, although it's very much accentuated now with her senility.

I remember as a tiny child, standing in line at the grocery store and thinking about how wonderful my mom was with the cashier, and how awful she was with everyone who was close to her.

She does this 'thing' in which she recognizes people who are vulnerable, then draws them into this intense emotional closeness with her. She has had hundreds of people throughout her lifetime who had become convinced that they were her dearest, most closest of friends, with a special relationship to her that no one else had. Then when they started to become dependent - to emotionally rely on her in some way - she cruelly cuts them off without warning or explanation.

She's the master of the shallow relationship - homecoming queen at her university, always intensely popular in any group of people she joins. But here, at the shank of her life, she has not a single friendship that is longterm. For as long as I could remember, she's been estranged from her immediate family - her sister and her parents. She and her own daughter, my sister, didn't speak for over a decade. The only reason my brothers and I have sustained a relationship with her is that we long ago learned that we could have zero expectations about her behavior or about basic accountability in her interactions.

Just some musings.
post #39 of 92
You sound a great deal like my sister. I have gone years without speaking to my mother. It's just too emotionally harmful for me to do so.
post #40 of 92
How are you doing today?
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