Well, my mom is here - Page 3

[Blu Razzberri]

Hey mama! Just checking in. Wow! Alot has happened since my last stop at this thread!

Originally Posted by blessed

...Last night I got about 2 hours of sleep, up getting dd dressed and ready at 5 am, worked all day...

Please be careful with this. You're a surgeon, right? You have to be well slept and alert. Obviously, you know that...but just don't let her run you, is all. Give her things to do ..television, books, whatever she's able to do. Knitting? (I don't know what shape she's in).

Originally Posted by blessed

...Her new thing is to hound me to kill her, as in euthanasia...

Oh boy. She must be really feelin' it, eh? Poor woman!

Originally Posted by blessed

...It just pisses me off because she lay in her house for the past two years with bottles of narcotics and benzos next to her, always talking about suicide and never doing it...

I'm sure I'm just stating the obvious here; but it sounds like she doesn't *really* want to do it. It sounds like this is her way of venting her frustration over her situation and pains.

Originally Posted by blessed

..I'm a terrible person...

Ok...that's the first ridiculous thing you've said so far... :

Originally Posted by blessed

..I'm frustrated and short tempered...

I'm frustrated and short tempered in my regular life when the going gets tough. And my tough doesn't look ANYTHING like yours. The major thing is that you recognize it. Do things to help fix it...come here or write in a blog...go to the gym and use their punching bag to get your frustrations out (or whatever works for you). Perhaps take a half hour walk after dinner with your DH and DD (if possible). Whatever it is, find yourself an outlet.

Originally Posted by blessed

..Today the (new) home nurse stole almost all of Mom's pain pills...

What a UA violation! I hope you reported her!

Originally Posted by blessed

...I'm sure she's saying all that and much worse to the homecare nurses every day. This is a small town and people love to gossip...

So, beat them to the punch. Have people over -- preferably the biggest gossips in town (don't tell mom they're coming so the people see what she's like when she's not aware of company). This sounds a little mean, but if you're worried about your reputation, you have a right to save-face. She's lying about you, afterall.

[blessed]

Thanks everyone, for checking in. I don't want anyone to think I'm ignoring you. It's just that some days I'm up to talking about this and some not.

We checked mom into the hospital (my hospital, out of which I work) so that she can finally get her spine injury worked up. We'll see where this leads.

The worst thing is that dh has just had it. He's done. He doesn't want to let her come back to our house when she's through at the hospital. Mom was pretty awful for a few days - very entitled and demanding, calling dh into her room a dozen times during the day (while he was working) to change the channel on the TV or to demand he go buy her chocolate. I had a firm talk with her, and I really don't think she was seeing anything other than her own misery over being bed bound and dependent. She didn't seem to have any appreciation whatsoever about how our lives had been turned upside down, how much of a difficulty this is for us, and how her self centered behavior was making it just so completely not worth it.

So after that she was much better, but I'm afraid it may be too little, too late. Dh is just dug in. He doesn't want her here.

I feel committed now. We would have to have her declared mentally incompetent and sent to a nursing home against her will. I just don't feel like I can do that. It's not what I promised her.

So I don't know how that will turn out.

[chaoticzenmom]

Don't ruin your marraige over her. If you have to have her declared mentally ill, then do it. She is mentally incompetant and you also have a life to live and she's not interested in letting you live yours.

People don't know her. What if someone believes her stories and then YOU get into trouble or lose your license? What if your husband gets fed up and leaves? Don't you have brothers who are on your side? Maybe they can help you to get her committed?

Good luck in whatever you decide. You're much stronger than I would ever be.

Lisa

[blessed]

Well, there's good news, of a sort.

Mom's spinal fracture checked out to be a compression fracture, which is painful, but not dangerous. So we are cleared to start sitting her up, getting her out of bed, rehabbing her, without fear that she will suddenly become paralyzed from an unstable spine.

The weird part continues to be that this is turning into much more of a longterm situation than was ever intended. Dh and I never wanted her to live in our home. She's so incredibly negative and manipulative; we both feel uncomfortable about the idea of dd being exposed to that for any length of time. When she came, it was ostensibly to die, but once she started getting some basic care and nourishment it quickly became apparent that this wasn't going to be the case.

So anyway, she's back home again. Of course when she was in the hospital she told everyone that dh and I held her captive and wouldn't let her get medical care. Then she said that we had admitted her to the hospital against her will. Ah, god.

[Ann-Marita]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the pp - don't sacrifice the health of your marriage, or your daughter, in order to continue this situation.

Would a change in housing benefit you and your family? For instance, I know a family that bought a duplex. The family lives in the bigger side, and the grandmother lives in the smaller side (almost an apartment attached to the main house). The grandmother has help that comes in daily. And in case of emergency, the family is just on the other side of a wall. Just a thought - I don't mean to give advice when you haven't asked for it.

I hope you find a good solution for everyone.

[HomeBirthMommy]

Blessed, I just wanted to offer you some . My mom is having a similar experience with my grandmother right now and it's horrible to watch. I am feeling really bad for my kids right now b/c they are missing their Grandmama and I am missing my Mama so much, but taking care of my grandmother has become an overwhelming task and is really taking its toll on her.

Please make sure you take care of you.

[blessed]

Today we had a nurse out to take a history for planning mom's physical therapy. Basically, she was left with the impression that my mom is mentally incompetent.

Mom complained about us, said she was moving out into an apartment, didn't believe the doctors' report about her spine and said that 'the world reknowned doctors' in Guadalajara were correct when they said she'd be paralyzed if she moved, so she refused to do her therapy.

She talked about suicide, which the nurse took to mean that mom was depressed and a danger to herself. But she's been doing that for the last 40 years, and as I said above, she had ample opportunity to kill herself in Mexico and never made an attempt. Plus, I don't think it's all that irrational for a crippled up, dependent person in their 70s to talk about ending her life, yk?

Anyway, a social worker is coming out next week to talk about placement options. I think mom just put herself out of the frying pan and square into the fire, because she definitely will not enjoy a nursing home.

I'm sort of emotionally done with her tonight. I can't even make myself go into her room to check on her or say hello.

[Mama Dragon]

Oh wow blessed. I never check this forum and just now found this. I've put up with this manipulation crap from my dad for 6 years, I definitely don't recommend it. Nurture your family and yourself

[dkapdblack]

I couldn't read and not post...
You are amazing!! What a terrible situation for your family. I am keeping you in my thoughts.
I saw on the news a little while ago that even Mother Theresa doubted herself and God/her faith in him regularly, so don't feel at all guilty for what you are feeling.

[Ann-Marita]

Originally Posted by blessed

Today we had a nurse out to take a history for planning mom's physical therapy. Basically, she was left with the impression that my mom is mentally incompetent.

This actually sounds like good news, to me.

[blessed]

Mom's getting remarkably stronger. She's standing at the bedside with a walker and coming to the table in a wheelchair occasionally.

Today she insisted on getting the number to the homecare nurses because she wants to fire them. She says she sees no reason to pay them. I said "Mom, that would leave dh and I having to provide your care. We both work fulltime and are raising a three year old. We can't do it, and we don't want to do it. You're already living here rent free and we are paying for all your daily living expenses. You have plenty of money. The least you can do is pay someone to provide your personal care so that we aren't stuck having to do it."

So she's furious. We are taking such advantage of her. :

[thismama]

Ugh, she sounds really hellishly awful to deal with. I know she is your mother, but you also have a right to set boundaries and set up your life so it is liveable and *gasp* enjoyable for you and your family.

I would think up a plan of action (which IMO should either include LOTS of supports in the home or a move to a nursing home), and just lay it out for her. What else can you do really?

[Mama Dragon]

Originally Posted by blessed

Mom's getting remarkably stronger. She's standing at the bedside with a walker and coming to the table in a wheelchair occasionally.

Today she insisted on getting the number to the homecare nurses because she wants to fire them. She says she sees no reason to pay them. I said "Mom, that would leave dh and I having to provide your care. We both work fulltime and are raising a three year old. We can't do it, and we don't want to do it. You're already living here rent free and we are paying for all your daily living expenses. You have plenty of money. The least you can do is pay someone to provide your personal care so that we aren't stuck having to do it."

So she's furious. We are taking such advantage of her. :

Oh wow

[Ann-Marita]

Originally Posted by blessed

"Mom, that would leave dh and I having to provide your care. We both work fulltime and are raising a three year old. We can't do it, and we don't want to do it. You're already living here rent free and we are paying for all your daily living expenses. You have plenty of money. The least you can do is pay someone to provide your personal care so that we aren't stuck having to do it."

Stand your ground. You are not being unreasonable here!

If anyone is being taken advantage of, it's YOU.

[blessed]

My brother blind copied me an email she sent to him. She says that I told her she's not welcome here (I never did), that she's had another stroke and lost the ability to speak (completely made up - we could only be so lucky), and that she's expecting that all of the medical care, therapy and nursing she's received here should be 'free', because I'm in medicine.

(As though the people who are coming to our house twice per day to wipe her butt, bathe her, feed her, and put up with her rudeness are going to just do it, day after day, free of charge. Because I happen to work in the field of medicine. I'm sure people are lining up outside our house for that opportunity.)

She's so incredibly awful. It's actually quite funny in a way.

Isn't it? :

[Ann-Marita]

Yes, it's funny. In that "I must laugh, or I'm going to cry a river" kind a way.

I hope this situation gets better for you SOON.

Maybe if she keeps telling lies about you (and how horribly you are treating her), someone will either, a) believe her and take her away from you since you're doing such a poor job, or b) not believe her, understand that she's delusional and help you have her committed to a nursing home.

Blessed, I think about you every day. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[raeinparis]

i'm so sorry you're going through all this. i hope she's strong enough to march out the door soon.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by blessed

My brother blind copied me an email she sent to him. She says that I told her she's not welcome here (I never did), that she's had another stroke and lost the ability to speak (completely made up - we could only be so lucky), and that she's expecting that all of the medical care, therapy and nursing she's received here should be 'free', because I'm in medicine.

(As though the people who are coming to our house twice per day to wipe her butt, bathe her, feed her, and put up with her rudeness are going to just do it, day after day, free of charge. Because I happen to work in the field of medicine. I'm sure people are lining up outside our house for that opportunity.)

She's so incredibly awful. It's actually quite funny in a way.

Isn't it? :

I know it's hard to do now, but you have to laugh at it. Seriously. When we first got my Mom home
from the hospital (early 2000) she would tell her friends that visited that the bruises on her behind we
because my dad had dragged her across the parking lot. That wasn't true, the bruises were because she
was trying to get out of bed without help (even when I was right there to help in another room) and she
would fall.

It's SO HARD to take care of an ill adult. It's even harder when they are related to you. It's the HARDEST
when they aren't in their right mind and make up stories, and are incredibly resentful. I was pregnant when
I started caring for my mom and my hormones were already busy making me crazy. I spent plenty of nights
crying wondering what I could do to make it right, or better at least.

The only thing I learned was I had to change how I dealt with it, and that meant (for me) a lot of laughter.
I did my best, I tried to respect my mother even when she was hard to deal with, and at the end of my day
I laughed.

BIG HUGS to you blessed. I don't know if this is a stage your Mother is going threw, mine got much better
with the made up stories and being difficult. I hope and pray the same for you.

[lisac77]

Blessed, I just found this thread. I'm so sorry things are difficult with your mother. My mom took care of both of her parents in our home. My grandfather died in our home, but my grandmother was eventually put in a nursing home because the social workers wouldn't allow her to be in a home setting without 24 hour supervision.

I would gradually move towards having her committed and put in a nursing home OR hiring a full time support person for her.

Please don't feel bad/guilty/inadequate for taking care of your mother. We are not perfect beings. You are allowed to get angry and frustrated.

I sincerely hope things get better for you AND your mom.

Best of luck and I hope you'll have a happy Thanksgiving.

[Ann-Marita]

Blessed, I'm wondering how you are doing, after the holiday weekend. I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hoping that you are doing well.