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Well, my mom is here - Page 5

post #81 of 92
I'm glad to hear she is out of your home. But I hope your mom finds some kind of happiness and peace, though it doesn't sound like she will.
post #82 of 92
blessed, you did rescue her from the conditions in Mexico where she wasn't getting the care she needed and wasn't taking care of herself. You did a lot for her even though she couldn't recognize it. I imagine the nursing home in Portland will be able to deal with her. Maybe they'll prescribe some Zoloft or something for her to even her out. They did for my dad and he wasn't even really depressed! I imagine she'll get some medication and the staff will be able to deal with her and your brother and sister can go by and see her once every week or two. It'll be okay and you got the ball rolling! I'm so glad you're relieved of the burden of having her in your home!
post #83 of 92
Be proud of your efforts. You did more than many people would have done. I hope she heals well and quickly and maybe a bit kinder. Make sure you and your dh take some time to relax and unwind from all of this.
post #84 of 92
Oh! What a releif! I'm so glad you can resume a normal existance now! I really hope your mom finds some kind of peace within herself; and that she won't get kicked out of the nursing home again. You did a good thing while she was with you; please don't feel like you've failed her. She's made her own bed here.

Enjoy your peace and quiet... ...you deserve it!
post #85 of 92
Thread Starter 
I dusted off this old thread to give an update and look for some more perspective.

Mom's been staying in a nursing home in the same city as my brother and sister's families. They visit her a couple of times per week and she has gotten daily physical and occupational therapy. So she's done very well, is now walking independently with a walker and so forth, and they are now looking to finding an adult foster home situation for her.

She's caused some mischief, but surprisingly little given her history. For instance she bragged about having a suicide plan in place (recall she's been doing that literally since my very first memories as a child ) and they put her on suicide watch for a few days. But nothing worse than that.

As for me, it's taken me this long for my emotions to thaw. Having her around really rekindled a lot of the psychological injury from my childhood, and I'm thankful that she's out of my life again.

We're taking a trip and will pass through her city. We've arranged to have dinner with my siblings and their families. The cousins are all very close. The problem is that my sister is putting pressure on me to visit my mom. At first she was going to invite mom over to her house for the get together, but we got around that in a circular way by saying that we'd already made arrangements for the get together to be at my brother's house. And he has made it plain that he has no intention of bringing mom there ever. Mom has been extraordinarily cruel to his wife throughout their marriage, and it would be disrespectful to her if he were to allow mom in their home.

So sis is now pushing for us to visit mom at the nursing home. I have no interest whatsoever in doing so. In fact, I'm adverse to the idea. I'm only just now recovering from my previous encounters with her, and have no desire to rekindle those thoughts and feelings.

I will just say no. That's fine - I don't have any trouble doing that. I guess I'm just venting and looking for a little support .
post #86 of 92
I'm sorry you have such a crappy mother, blessed. From all your posts I can tell you are an amazing mother to your girlie and you love her dearly and know it is your job to protect her. Remember that, yk? You broke the cycle. That is huge. But I'm sorry your mother sucks so badly and pulls all this energy-sucking, self absorbed, manipulative bs.
post #87 of 92
Well, the irony of this post surfacing today. MY mother has just moved to town. Not at my inviting. But, she decided to retire here and built herself a house. She'd been "wanting" this mirage of family for years and I have been dreading it. So, she moved here (Wednesday) and broke her foot the next day! Has made herself a dependent invalid. The insanity of it. Like you, we don't have the mother/daughter relationship one would desire. I have no energy to invest in the black hole of conflict. I'm moving on with my life. *Harsh*, my friend says. So, I'm just commiserating.

Perhaps, you could do the superficial quick hi/bye on your way out of town. Or don't. Nothing is owed.


Pat
post #88 of 92
Thread Starter 
Dd has been very interested in the whole concept of mom as my mother. The other day she asked where I was born and I reminded her. Then she asked 'where did you first meet your mama?' Since she is adopted her life paradigm has to do with being born then being united with your family at a later time. I explained that I grew in Nana's belly and that she was also my mama.

Then I explained that Nana had moved away when I was three years old and after that I never really had a mama. She asked if I was sad, and I said yes, very sad. She asked why Nana left and I said that it was her choice, but that it wasn't very good for her children because even though my daddy was a good daddy and loved us very much, it wasn't the same as having a mama.

She was silent for a long while, then asked in this tiny, little voice "When are you going to leave me, mama?"

I said "Never, ever, ever, sweetheart. I'm never, ever going to leave you. That was Nana's choice, but I'm not Nana. Some people aren't very good at being parents and some are. That's just the way it is." She seemed relieved and happily replied "You're a good mama, mama!" :
post #89 of 92
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
Well, the irony of this post surfacing today. MY mother has just moved to town...
Pat
Feel free to piggy back on this thread. Maybe it will turn into it's own forum about dysfunctional adult parenting.

I'm looking forward to your vents and commiserations, in a greedy kind of way .

Hope things don't get too crazy for you .
post #90 of 92
Hi Blessed, I just found this thread and read through it. I wanted to offer you my support and sympathy. Although I don't have mother issues, I and my family had major grandmother issues. I'm the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter in a large extended family and my grandmother was an evil character. I'm serious, truly an evil woman. There are numerous family stories from everyone who, at one time or another, wished the earth would rise up and swallow her down to the deepest level of Dante's Inferno. So of course, when she got old and sick and needed to have care, she was, ahem, a challenge. Old habits don't change and she was as infuriating in illness as she was in health. She died three years ago and I have no sentimental feelings about her at all.

Hang in there and most important of all: DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!!!
post #91 of 92
ah blessed, your little girl is so lucky to have a wonderful mama!

personally, i wouldn't visit the mom. especially as you're just recovering. you know how when you've broken up with someone you need some space to find your own sense of normal again? i think i would probably need a year or something after the experience you've just had. or ten...

good luck!
post #92 of 92
Blessed, as a motherless mother, it's a heartbreaking thing to watch your relationship with your children and how different it is from the one (or lack of one) that you had with your own mother. So many times I will be with my family and wonder why she was so hateful. It's so damn hard to explain to my 7 year old what happened and why I don't speak to my mother anymore. It brings up a lot of old hurts that you thought you were past.

It was so weird yesterday when we were on a long car ride, ds had gotten sick during the night and in between sobs and nose blowing he told dh "you're a good daddy for getting up with me and taking care of me." It brought back that the only time I ever felt loved by my mother is when I was sick. I missed half of third grade because I was "sick". I wasn't, but mom would tuck me in, bring me snacks, sit and watch tv with me. It was like she was an entirely different person when she was fully needed. She was able to be loving. I was telling my dh about it and he started crying, where I'm just numb to it now. I can't remember where I read it, but it said that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I reached indifference to my mother a long time ago Sad but true.

I think you're doing the right thing by skipping the visit. You've done your best by her, that's enough. A person can only give so much, especially to someone who hurt them so badly. I think about you often and was wondering how she was doing moved out.
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