How many of us have lost friends?

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

I didn't want to hijack the thread about the friend being hurt bt lactivism, so I figured I would start a new one.

I wonder how many of us have lost friends along the way bc of our ap ways. I have lost a few, one situation really hurt bc my friend was really insulting me and being ap and it became so hurtful that I ended the friendship.

On the other hand, I have made some wonderful new friends that I can completely be myself with. That really has helped w/ the pain of losing others.

What has the experience of others been?

[miche28]

I think a number of my friendships have changed - not ended, but certainly less close. I thought they might cokme back around once the intense baby period was over - but it gets even harder once DD understands (like her standing in SHOCK as a friend smacked his son or looking confused when another called her son stupid for spilling a sippy cup).

Parenting is a real bellwether of values - it can out you in beliefs you never knew you really had and I certainly saw that with a few friends.

But others have stood the test - a good friend FF entirely by choice and was unapologetic. I think it wasn't the best decision, but I know she had access to good information and reasonable support: she came to a different conclusion than I did. I am unapologetic about BF 2 years +and if anything it's a bit of an inside joke between us. Another friend pretty regularly FF (though she mainly BF the boys until they were 8-11 months) and doesn't wear them: she's told me I make her feel guilty. I told her that I don't want our friendship to be a source of guilt for her: if she has questions, then I'll answer them, but I respect her as a woman and a mother.

That said, I've also made a number of friends through LLL who are now the core of my parenting support and there are people who used to be in our 'outer-circle' who I just don't hang out with anymore because I don't want my children exposed to the behaviours they model (calling their children stupid, chocolate milk in a bottle, etc....).

[hipmummy]

I have lost a few and we have become very distant from the rest, but I have made great friends with women from my baby cafe, LLL and the birth Center we birthed at. Frankly, I am happy I have found more like minded friends.

[MilkTrance]

DS is only 5 months, but I am seeing certain friendships strained. One in particular doesn't even have to do with AP itself, but in our different lifestyles now that I have a baby (this friend hasn't even MET my baby and I considered this person one of my closest friends)

So yeah.

[AnalogWife]

I was pretty mainstream throughout my pregnancy, but by some cosmic event when DS was born a friend of my husband's gave him her Dr. Sears Baby Book from 1992 and it was the only baby book I had. I read it as the one and only baby manual, and TG it was Dr. Sears b/c I would have read any other book with the same trust in it, I was that out-of-touch with different theories and approaches. The grace of God put AP practices in my house I feel that I'm a 100 percent better mama and that DS and I are closer than we ever would have been had another book been given to us.

My friends, sadly, are still mainstream and FF and I come off as "snotty" if I mention some of the stuff I do. Snotty or crazy. I'm happy I found these boards, they're great!

[krystyn33]

My friends share my values and so we haven't had issues over BFing or AP. But I am sad to say my parenting choices have put a strain on my relationship with my sister. We love each other deeply and remain close (with some effort and lots of walking on eggshells). She plans to BF her next babe, but I'm not sure what her commitiment level is, and no matter how gentle and non-judgemental I strive to be, she will most likely feel I am the source of her guilt if she chooses to FF--largely by knowing what I went through to make it work for us.

[Mrs.Bufford]

I don't have any friends who are local that are parents, but I will say that I have 'converted' all of my friends. Most of them are guys, and they are all so supportive of breastfeeding! One guy they know said I was trashy and disgusting for NIP and they dropped him like a hot potato. However, many of my friends with children who live far away have very different views as far as parenting, and I just make it a point not to discuss things.

[MommytoTwo]

I havent lost any friends.... though I have one friend who is anti-BF (??) and always comments on my LLL sticker on my car. I dont know why. I have made a few friends though!

[readytobedone]

i have

she's not even a parent, but she used to nanny, and she saw fit to criticize (subtly, i'm not even sure she knew she was doing it) extended BF, co-sleeping, not doing CIO, and several other things i made clear from the beginning i planned on.

of course, this was the same friend who said repeatedly when i was planning on a natural birth that elective c/s was the only way to go and in so many words told me i was basically nuts for wanting to go natural.

but she said at the same time that she "supported [my] choices."

the life lesson i learned from all this is that it's not always--maybe even usually--actually possible to support someone in choices that differ 180 degrees from what you would do. it's a nice feel-good platitude, but it's just not true.

[SMR]

I feel like it has put a strain on some.. others don't mind my AP ways! haha I always look at it as each parent does what they feel is best for them and their child.. which can alienate other people because they also are doing what they think is best for them and thier child.. ya know? So in each persons eyes, they are doing the right thing.. so when someone comes along doing it different, it could be like a slap in the face. I hope i'm making sense.. It is nice to hang out with like minded people for sure!! But I still want my old friends around too - even if they don't parent as good as me! hahah (JOKING)! I mean the same as me!

[Ruthla]

I lost friends when I first became a mother because I moved out of state and none of my friends were ready to get married or start families. I made new "mommy" friends, and the ones I've "clicked" with have been fairly AP, or at least respectful of AP/GD/NFL things, even if they didn't do them personally.

Since moving back to NY, I've again made friends with women with kids. Most of my friends are 5-10 years older than me and have kids around the same ages as mine. I've drifted apart from my "pre kid" friends just because we're in different places in our lives.

I never had any "lactivist" issues with friends- none of the mothers I've really "clicked with" had a problem with me NIP and most of them nursed their own babies (and several still are.) I do have some aquantances that are more "controllling" with their babies (ie, parent introduced scheduals for infants) but we never really hit it off.

[Kleine Hexe]

Originally Posted by Blondimom728

I wonder how many of us have lost friends along the way bc of our ap ways. I have lost a few, one situation really hurt bc my friend was really insulting me and being ap and it became so hurtful that I ended the friendship.

What has the experience of others been?

yep, one "friend" insults me and always makes snide comments. I rarely talk to her anymore.

[avedagrrl]

I had one friend who adopted two kids right after DS was born. I was really horrified by the way she treated her DS - spanking over potty issues, and other things that I just don't think are ok. I just didn't know how to relate to her at all anymore and just quit responding to phone calls and emails.

The other friends I have lost touch with I think have more to do with just being parents rather than being AP parents. They are single and childless and our lifestyles just don't mesh anymore.

[njeb]

Originally Posted by avedagrrl

The other friends I have lost touch with I think have more to do with just being parents rather than being AP parents. They are single and childless and our lifestyles just don't mesh anymore.

:
It is very, very common to lose friends after you become a parent, whether you bf or ff.
I was the first one of my college friends to give birth. My best friend and I drifted apart afterwards; we just didn't have much in common anymore. It had nothing to do with breastfeeding.

[ann_of_loxley]

I have to say that I dont really have that many friends...so in saying that, I havnt lost any (I know that makes me sound so sad! lol) - But as someone has said above, I have become more distant than close with the friends that I do have since having a child. I think its because I started off with a quite mainstream mind - one example that springs to mind is that when I was pregnant I used to see mothers carrying their children and pushing an empty buggy...I thought 'no way! My child will have to just sit in their buggy wether they like it or not!'.... and who would have thought that I would end up using a carrier (horrid lol) then wonderful slings with my baby, now 2 year old son! haha... I have also deffinatly changed since having my son - As somone said above:

Parenting is a real bellwether of values - it can out you in beliefs you never knew you really had

So it was bound to change my friendships as well.
But even my friends insult me and make snide comments about my parenting. I am known as the 'dirty hippy' etc... And I have to be honest...I have more like minded close friends on the internet than I do in real life!.... I am often lonely and feel alone in my parenting - so put aside the snide comments and make do with what I do have. This will have to be down to the fact I live in a small small town though and dont have a car to get out really far with! lol...Hopefully Ill have a car in a few years though so that will change!

[green betty]

Sure, lots. And not even because they judge my choices or I judge theirs. I think most of them are swell. But mainstream moms can't relate to my parenting issues or give me the support I need to get from friends--so while we might get along just fine, the interactions don't "feed" me. It might be pleasant, but if I never get anything out of it then it's an acquaintanceship, not a friendship, and I don't go out of my way to spend time with them. I actually find myself gravitating more towards friends without kids--in the absence of opposing practices, they're more free to hear about my life. And it's a lot of fun for me to hear about theirs and get a day pass out of kid world!

[KathleenSLP]

I have had friendships change (I think simply due to becoming a parent) but haven't lost any.

I have never had a friend say something derogatory to me about being AP, extended nursing, etc... And I do not give any of my friends cr@p for their parenting, formula use, etc...