Another pregnant mamma looking for support

[chatterk]

Hi All,
I've been a member of mothering the past few years and come here from time to time for support. I think this is my first time posting so here goes.

Due date is 6/27. I have a son who will turn 2 this Saturday and we are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. This pregnancy was not at all planned. So when this baby is born we will have a 30 month old, 12-18 month old, and of course a newborn. I'm scared but excited at the same time. I know I'm not making history here but I know this isn't real common. I would love to hear from anyone who has been there, done that. What's going to be the hardest part? My almost two year old is potty trained and sleeps well for us and goes to bed by eight most nights.

Hubby is a sweetheart but is definitely not on board right now. He wants to put the adoption on hold for the time being and go back to it down the road. To me, that is not an option. We made the choice to adopt and I'd like to follow through with it. We should be getting our referral in the next month and then travel 2-3 months after that (giving us approximately 5 months to bond with the new one).

I would love to hear any advice.

Lastly, for any of you in a similar situation; currently we have requested a boy (just because it seemed to make sense to us to have two little boys running around). Any momma's out there with two boys close in age? Or a girl/boy close in age that are super close? I'd love to hear what you think. Should we make it open to gender?

I'm so sorry to make this so long. I guess I need someone to talk to.

Thanks,
C

[*Karen*]

Aw, that sounds rough. But exciting! I agree that if you were planning an adoption that you should follow through, but limit the plane rides as much as possible!

As for the gender thing... PERSONALLY I wouldn't want to pick. I like the surprise I guess!

[chatterk]

Thanks Karen,
I've been strongly contemplating changing it to open to gender. I almost did it today on the phone when I called my agency to change it to 6-12 months (vs 0-6 months). Hopefully some others will chime in

Thanks!

[Chic_Mama]

I have one friend who has a 6 year old and two four year olds- one girl biologically and one boy from ethiopia! She seems to handle it just fine, altough she wasn't pregnant during all of the travel and adoption process.

I have another friend who had a 15 month old DS and went to Haiti and adopted a 16 month old DD and a 5 year old DS. A month after they came home she found out she was pregnant again! Somehow they managed and have been very happy with their family. So, it is definitely possible!

[kltroy]

It sounds like a lot of work, but an exciting adventure! A similar thing happened with my cousin - she adopted a little boy from Guatamala. Then found out she was pregnant, and by the time she got her boy(he was over 1 when she got him because of all the red tape), she'd had her baby girl. Then the family who had the boy told the adoption agency that they were expecting again and since the agency likes to keep siblings together if possible, they took the girl too. All in all she went from 0 to 3 kids in about 18 months. Wow! She's since had one more biological child and loves being a mom. You can do it!

[saffrondaisy]

Hi C,

Not quite the same, but we just got home from Ethiopia with our now 22-month-old son in July, then got pregnant 2 months later. Oops!

As an adoptive momma who was just recently in the waiting process, I can totally relate to not wanting to put the adoption on hold. However, with a new son home, I can see why it would be difficult to bring a child home and then give birth only 4 or 5 months later. In terms of attachment and transition, 4 or 5 months just really isn't very long to let the adopted baby be the baby. You might want to ask your agency's opinion on this—most strongly recommend one year between a placement and adding another child to your family, either through birth or adoption. Attaching in adoption takes hard work—I can't imagine being 8 months pregnant right now and having to divert my attention from my new son so soon after he came home. I really feel that it would damage his attachment and feeling of security in the family.

I know this is hard to hear, but I would give some serious consideration to your husband's suggestion. Talk to others who have been in similar situations (PM me if you want me to put you in touch with a few people), maybe set up an appointment with an attachment therapist to get his/her opinion, and talk to your agency. I really and truly understand how devastating it would be to have to delay the adoption at this point in the process. However, I think if you can put those thoughts aside and really spend some time thinking about what's best for your adoptive child, the son you already have at home, and your newborn, you'll get the right perspective to make the right decision.

Good luck with your decision, and please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk it through more.

[chatterk]

Thank you all for your words. I greatly appreciate them. Saffrondaisy, I have strongly considered the attachment in all of this and have been worried. It does seem, however, that it may go a little smoother with a younger child (although this is not always the case). I've also considered the fact that laundry and cleaning will have to be put on the back burner and lots of love and attention given to the kids. I have been researching adoption and attachment for over 18 months now and following all of the forums (and yahoo groups). It is a very valid point but as you pointed out, something that is very hard to let go of. I'm one of eleven children and my siblings were my life growing up. We played together constantly and I know there is going to be a bond between these three that will be priceless. My mom was always there for us, but growing up it was my siblings that I had an attachment to. It is still that way, along with my parents. So while, I will always be there for love and support I have a feeling these three are going to be inseparable. That's what makes me want to do all of this. It is the possibility of the joy these three will have together. Thanks for all your opinions please continue to share any other words of wisdoms and points to consider.

C