Cross posted--need some outside input.

[Miny20]

A couple of months before my daughter was born (10 days ago), my little sister moved to live about 90 minutes from me. We hadn't lived near each other in about 10 years. I was so excited when she, her husband, and their son moved to live near enough to see every month or so. We live in a place that is far from most people. I have one friend who lives nearby--but she's got 3 boys and is 7 months pregnant herself. This friend had offered to take our older daughter when it came time to go to the hospital. My sister also offered to come to our place and watch her.

Well it turned out that on the day I started having labor my friend had an adult dinner party to attend. My little sister said she would come when I said the word. I was hesitant because they don't have a lot of money--and gas and tolls aren't cheap. But, she offered, so I accepted her help. Of course, my labor stalled and we thought I wouldn't have the baby that day. After dinner, though, my water broke. I was GBS+ so I went to the hospital ASAP. I was happy she was there to help.

My labor didn't start on its own. At 1 pm the next day we started pitocin. My sister had brought my older daughter to the hospital to see me--because she's not used to being away from me, let alone for a whole day and overnight! About 3 hours later my little sister called me telling me that my daughter was being aggresive with her son and that they really needed to go home now. Meanwhile I am in serious labor. My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. I was coming into the truely painful part of labor. But, I wasn't sure that my sister (who is also 32 weeks pregnant) would be able to handle the situation. My daughter is NOT an aggressive child, but given the strange situation with my husband and me being gone and her knowing big changes were coming, I felt like I had to do something.

I called my friend who said she'd gladly take her. So, my husband left the hospital, went about 10 minutes to our apartment, got our daughter and brought her 20 miles over a toll bridge, then rushed back to me. This was during RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. It took him 90 minutes to get back.

The whole time he was gone I was in really hard labor--with no support whatsoever! My friend called my cell phone (which I couldn't get to because I was attached to an antibiotic drip AND a monitor cart thing) and left me a message saying that my older daughter was really distraught and wanted to know if I could talk to her. I could barely talk myself into keeping my cool through contractions. Once the nurse came in and brought me my phone and i heard that message--I just broke down in emotional tears. My poor baby was completely messed up from being shuffled all over! But I couldn't call her back! I just couldn't. I sat there laboring through really hard pitocin contractions cursing my sister for being so selfish and being incapable of following through on ANYTHING in her life!

Then I started to feel like I need to go poo. I knew this meant something. That, along with the sudden shaking and feeling SO COLD, I knew it was almost time. I called my husband's cell phone and pleaded with him to hurry! He did make it about half an hour before the baby was born. I just melted down when he got there. I can't help but feel like if he had never left I would have been able to hold it together more--and not be so angry in the last 20 minutes of my really fast, really hard labor.

After my husband went back to my friend's house to get our daughter (she wasn't even there 2 hours) he brought her back to the hospital to see her new sister, then they went home. He saw in my sister's blog a whole pity party about how she just couldn't manage to take care of two children. She said that my daughter had tried to break her son's arm. Then she whined about the fact that she just couldn't bring herself to clean up the messes she's made in my house (think half full pan of food left on the stove and dishes all over the table!) and just left. Someone had commented on her post saying that my child was a PSYCHO--and she never said anything to refute what this person had said. My child is the sweetest, most empathetic kid. Even if she was super stressed, I know for a fact that she would never hurt someone intentionally.

It's been 10 days. She hasn't called me to say anything. She called and whined to my mother that I never called her to tell her the baby was born. She did comment on a post in my blog saying, "Well, if I'd known it was only going to be 2 more hours I would have stayed!". Not so much as an apology! I mean, how on earth am I supposed to know it's going to be 2 or 10 hours!?

I have no idea how to deal with this situation. I don't want to not speak to my sister again. But my whole adult life I've been cleaning up her messes, doing huge things for her, trying to open amazing doors for her, driving 20 hours to pick her up off the corner because her internet boyfriend didn't want her there anymore... and she can't even stay at my house for 24 hours when SHE OFFERED!?!?

What would you do?

Do you think my anger is unreasonable?

[Maluhia]

not unreasonable.

I'd wait a few months - so that no one can blame your post partum hormones - and then write her a letter telling her why you no longer trust her to treat your child with love and respect and you just can't leave her in charge ever again. Really - I doubt she would - but anyone who calls a kid going through HUGE transition in 24 hours a "psycho" should be out of your circle anyway.

[Jenlaana]

I am not the type to forgive and forget. I am also VERY protective of my children, even from my other family (other than DH). So take this from that angle.

That your sister offered to help you and then screwed up your labor by being selfish and not sucking it up and taking care of things when SHE offered, was completely uncalled for. No matter how badly your child could have possibly been acting, she was the adult, and the children were just children and she should have acted like she was the grown up and just seperated them. Its not like your daughter was going to live with her for a month or anything... it was only supposed to be less than a day.

If it was me, I would not talk to her... probably ever again for a very very VERY long time. I wouldn't waste my time trying to tell her how I felt or anything because it really doesnt sound like she cares from her actions. I dont let people into my life that treat me or my kids badly and I also dont expect that I am capable of changing them.

[Electra375]

I think you need to post on her blog a brief entry about you in labor and your dd is not psycho -- but who reads those things anyway, I certainly don't have the time to read other peoples blogs and care. But it might make you feel better and it might make your sister realize SHE OFFERED and she should have understood that meant until the baby was born and your dh was free to come home.

I don't have a close relationship w my sister. But if she offered she'd follow through, she might whine about it - human nature for some people.

I'd offer to take her child on her delivery day and call her in the mits of labor and tell her her child is hurting yours and she needs to come get him!!! Or say nothing and show her how it's done...

Geez... hb is so much easier, I have no idea what I would have done with 3 children, 1 Special Needs that I won't let anyone watch.

[jmmsunshine]

So sorry this happened to you!

Dysfunctional family relationships are so hard to work through. As for what happened, it's done and over with - grieve the loss of your "ideal" birth and move through it. As for going forward, I have a good friend who always reminds me to 1 - see thier innocence (did she realize what she was getting into when she offered to take your child or was there some miscommunication?), 2 - deal with it directly (posting on blogs is very passive aggressive - so is whining to a third party - confrontation may be hard, but it leaves little room for misinterpretation), 3 - take their response at face value (no, "well she said this but I think she really means this..." if we're all adults then we ought to be able to say what we mean, mean what we say, and not be mean when we say it), 4 - always try to handle things with dignity and grace.

It sounds like you have a history with your sister of "rescuing" her from situation and having her disappoint you. It's really hard to accept that you have a sibling who may not be able to give you the relationship you want, but seeing that and accepting that can make your life so much better. Setting boundaries is hard. Enforcing them is even harder. But in the end, sometimes, it's those boundaries that make us safe.

Good luck!

[mittendrin]

Originally Posted by Jenlaana

I am not the type to forgive and forget. I am also VERY protective of my children, even from my other family (other than DH). So take this from that angle.

That your sister offered to help you and then screwed up your labor by being selfish and not sucking it up and taking care of things when SHE offered, was completely uncalled for. No matter how badly your child could have possibly been acting, she was the adult, and the children were just children and she should have acted like she was the grown up and just seperated them. Its not like your daughter was going to live with her for a month or anything... it was only supposed to be less than a day.

If it was me, I would not talk to her... probably ever again for a very very VERY long time. I wouldn't waste my time trying to tell her how I felt or anything because it really doesnt sound like she cares from her actions. I dont let people into my life that treat me or my kids badly and I also dont expect that I am capable of changing them.

Dito, I can't believe this happened to you and if I was you I'd be pretty pissed that your sister was acting that way. I am not sure if I could even try to think about a timeframe when I'd consider forgiving her for that.

I hope you can find a way to deal with your emotions, you must be sooo angry and just for your own sake I hope you can work it out with yourself. She does not deserve any reaction from you, you don't need to fix this. Cheer up and enjoy your beautiful kids, knowing you've learned another lesson in life - some people just suck!
Big hugs to you!!!!!

[naturalthinker]

What a very hard situation you've gone through! It is okay to take your time in 'dealing' with your sister and other family members - you are under no obligation to adjust her or your family's view of your daughter or defend yourself and immediate family. Their perspectives and actions are their own. Your needs and emotions should be your first priority.

Let others think what they may, be comforted by what you know - if possible, pay no heed to what is written in your sister's blog, or what others comment to it. Those readers are only given the perspective of a person who sounds like she has a history of personal issues beyond her ability to cope with them. If the conversation keeps coming up in the family 'well she said..' than it will need to be addressed if you want to find total resolution. I agree with pp that direct clear communication is the way to go.

It is always okay to be angry - acknowledge why and address unresolved issues that stem from it. If you are at a loss for exactly how or who to address to resolve anger or other emotional with another person, i suggest the book 'Nonviolent Communication' by by Marshall B Rosenberg. It clearly lays out the steps to recognize what your emotions are, how to assess what you say to others and find resolution to any conflict in a caring and compassionate way.

It may be that time and space are all that is needed to heal from this experience, but from reading your post, it looks like there is a long history (and possibly a long future) of 'issues' that will keep poking up. Avoiding the issues is not resolving them; they usually manifest somewhere else. Take the time you need to address them.

My thoughts are with you - i hope you are able to heal and find peace.