emotional breakdown...

[chrysalis]

: ugh!!!!!!!!!! : i am feeling sooo sad.......i guess this goes with being the one who left and being the 'victim' of abuse. one minute i am feeling so strong and empowered and absolutely full of conviction about why i left. the next (like now...) i'm having a hard time emotionally, missing the things i loved about tom, the things i loved about when tom and megh played together or loved one another, the moments we had as a family...i miss that. i miss him. and i don't like missing him cuz it hurts. i am feeling guilty for leaving......cuz i'm only 'feeling' the nice things i loved about him right now.... ugh......i know, i know.....but i guess this probably goes w/ the process of having left an abuser a woman loved dearly. its hitting me that its over. that he is there, probably feeling very alone and deserted, feeling whatever.......maybe even sad. whatever he's feeling i don't know. but i'm hurting. no i'm not going to pick up the phone or anything............i just feel so sad. so so so very sad. and its making me sob.......to the point of almost puking........my belly is hard and i feel exhausted. i just hate this guillt i feel. its awful. and then not knowing how to deal w/ this child support/visitation stuff. i just want to 'move on' and have nothing to do with him....just have it be me and my babies......and then i think, well that is selfish..........i hate when people say 'is that his baby' as we talk about my pg, like today at the local womens abuse organization...i said it is MY baby. i felt very threatened when she said that.....'his' baby!? that woman needs to learn how to talk to an abused pg woman who just left an abusive man.

then i go on the singles forum here on MDC and wow, some of those mamas and i think there is a man on there for some reason, are sooooo cold. basically making it out like i'm somehow abnormal for feeling all these feelings in relation to tom having a personals ad or moving on from me, whatever. yeah it hurts!!! i wanted him to be good to megh and i!!! i wanted his love and adoration, as did megh.....sometimes we got it, sometimes we were told to F off. : anyway i just had to write you mamas cuz i don't know where else to put these feelings....its too lonely just sobbing by myself here iin my condo. god my heart hurts... part of me i think was hoping for tom to turn around and commit to changing his abusiveness thru some therapy or something and come out by us and maybe we could salvage our relationshiip, our family....but no, it doesn't look like that. i'm just hurtin' mamas........from the memories that are still there in my mind, in my heart.....and from the new reality. a lot to accept when i am carrying 'our' baby...it'd hurt either way, baby or not but especially is hurtful and scary too, as to what to do and how he will or won't want to be involved in the future. anyway......i'm going to go lay down and hopefully go to sleep soon if megh will only chill out. she's such a darn sweetie pie. i love her so much. i was sobbing and she was asking for a p and j sandwich...i said please will you come and hold me......she did and that felt good. then i made her a p and j sandwich. she hasn't been eating well.......but at least she is eating. sigh. she is on a meat strike lately it seems...she just told me her doll, cloudy, smells like minnesota. ugh!!! : of course my nose is too stuffy to see what that smells like...not that i wish to smell that right now. sigh. when my mom took clean laundry from our old house in MN she accidentally took many of tom's clean underwear and one of his jeans and some socks...i just threw them out in my trash here. sigh...: can ANYONE relate to any of this i'm feeling? when it hits me it hits me hard. all day i've been feeling this looming over me and now i'm at that breaking point. sobbing helped though i must say. thanks for reading this if you have......you mamas are the best. i think we should definitely have a nov 07 playgroup on MDC so we can all stay connected.

[meisterfrau]

I don't really have any advice for you mama, and I haven't posted much on your threads because I feel like I have little to offer you, but I have been reading them. I truly, truly think you're doing the right thing for you, Megh, and Sheamus (sp?). I know it's hard to feel that all the time right now, because you're so emotional...you'd be emotional anyway at this point in the pregnancy or at this point after a breakup, so with both at the same time...well, obviously you're going to have a hard time.

Your heart is hurting, meaning it may not be the best thing to listen to just now, but listen to your head...I bet it knows this was the right decision.

[Curlita]

Getting over a relationship is ALWAYS hard, no matter the circumstances. For better or worse, you loved him and you are adjusting to a major change in the way you thought your life was going to go. Even though it's painful, you know that you made the right decision. And you will probably bounce back and forth between feeling really good and strong, and feeling really sad. The good days will get more frequent and the bad days won't be as bad... you'll get over it. Just give yourself time.

Have you thought about some counseling? I'm sure there are resources there for you. That might really help you work through some of this.

[Googy]

:

[Heather Marie]

My heart just aches for you and Megh. I wish we could just wash all of this pain away for you. I think everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected. Going from one extreme of feeling leaving was absolutely the right thing to do, then feeling guilty. I think you are also grieving the life that you thought you would have with Tom.

Please keep leaning on us. Take one day at a time. I know everything is so overwhelming. Get some rest and try your best to keep looking forward. I promise you it will get better. I know you, Megh, and your little one have a beautiful and peaceful life ahead of you.

Has anyone given you any information on counseling that may be offered in your area? I think it would be really good to have someone to talk with to help you start working through these feelings sooner than later.

Absolutely, we should all stick together after these babies are born! Maybe we can pick a certain date after the babies are all born and move over to another forum (Life with Babe) and have a monthly thread or something.

[GooeyRN]

I wish I could help. We do all need to stick together after our babies all come.

[renaissanceed]

Nothing but sympathy over here. Give yourself a lot of credit for what you've done so far for yourself and your kids, but also give yourself permission to mourn what you did lose - the hope of someday being a family with Tom. Of course you will miss the good times with him and you will be sad about losing that.

Do lean on us - you've been through a lot lately and a lot of major changes and you are strong and can do this for your family, and if we can help by being a sounding board, we're happy to do so.

[oskie]

Don't forget what a hormonal soup you are right now in pregnancy. Even under the best circumstances we can swing from one emotion to the next with lightning speed.

That's not to diminish your feelings in any way, but I wanted you to remember there is a biological basis to some of the intensity.

You did the right thing. You are strong. You will get through this and life will be even better than you can imagine. Not only are you showing Megh that a woman stands up for herself and her family when she needs to, you have created a situation where Sheamus won't learn that abuse is 'ok' as long as you say you're sorry afterwards.

I can't even imagine how hard it is for you now. Just know that real love isn't a found in a few moments between abuse. Real love is about respecting and cherishing another person and having them return that respect. It's the feeling that the two of you can conquer the world together, knowing that the other person will always be there for you. I hope you experience that someday soon.