it just never ends....stressfulness...

[chrysalis]

now my mom called me to tell me tom, my ex fiance as most of you know, has called again this morning to my moms boyfriends phone. my moms boyfriend has already told tom NOT to call again. that any more conversation would be between tom and i somehow. tom has called about twice since. once asking for my address to write me and now again asking 'what's going on'. greg said same thing...i moved to oregon and she will be in touch. tom's getting pushy and overstepping major boundaries if you ask me. for one, greg (my moms boyfriend) is now getting what i'd call semi-harassed by tom w/ these phone calls greg has told tom not to make to him anymore...and for two, this stresses me out while pg...not that tom cares about stressing me out. he probably just wants to know if baby is here or what.

now my mom wants me to print out these personal ads i discovered tom has placed one week after i moved out for good. i said that won't matter in any court situation i don't think. she is stressing me out w/ this crap. i said it is MY life mama! sigh..........i know she is just trying to help but i wish she'd back up. i don't know what i'm doing or what to do next. fine. i'll print them out. the judge would be like how do YOU know about these personal ads? ummmmm well you see judge, i can be obsessive and nostalgic and i checked his email....that is not right! ugh.: i am so tired of all this chaos and drama. i'm going to take the restraining order in today i think. i'm so sick of this. i need peace in my pg.

[GinaRae]

I know your mom's pushing your buttons, but most moms do that. And sometimes they're right. Try to take a deep breath and focus on what needs to happen, whether she says it needs to or not.

You should be documenting everything. You should print the personals (now that you know what ID he is using, don't log into his account, just go to where you can view the ads).

You should have the boyfriend document how many times he calls.

Make sure no one gives your address.

You should have the restraining order filed NOW.

All these things prevent him from showing up to harass you, take the baby, whatever.

As far as moving from the place you're at, until you can find a cheap one-bedroom in a safe place, you can somehow maybe help your mom with her purchases on that credit card thingy since you can't do that for the condo. Gas, groceries, bills, whatever.

Or ask if the office will take a partial payment from you and the rest from her to pay the $1,000 a month.

Maybe you can find a way to stay there so you have help with the kids and don't need to get a car.

She's really pushing your buttons, yes. BUT she feels she probably needs to! She brought you out there and set you up in a condo. You need to keep that momentum moving forward and get the rest done!

My dad is a very "strings attached" kind of dad and I spent years feeling like I owed him everything. I am now out of that and yet.. and yet sometimes I wish I was under his wing again. Like when the fridge is empty, I could go "shopping" at my parent's house. And they let me because they loved me... even if my dad hassled me on these kinds of things, he was there to help.

Good luck, hon!

[chrysalis]

i think for now i'll stay put here in the condo...i thought about that, paying for other things for my mom and her boyf w/ my card thingy...that is a good deal i think.

i agree...mom is just trying to protect me/us. she is tired of his crap too. i'm going for the restraining order today. will print out the ads and also put on the restraining order how much hearing he's still calling since being told NOT to anymore is stressing me (and that this stress affects the unborn baby too) out.

how annoying is this. : i should NOT have to deal with this drama. errrrrrrrrrrrrr! hear me roar, tom!!!!! don't mess w/ mama bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GinaRae]

I would expect him to really fight you on all this because of Sheamas, you know?

So be prepared and follow all the advice the assistance program people have given you so far. That way no judge can say you were lax on filing things so you weren't really fearful or something. They can only see that you quickly sought help with the law, etc.

[chrysalis]

yeah....i hope he doesn't fight me at all...but ya never know...if it were a daughter i doubt he'd be as aggressive as he is being...

my mom and i just got into it. i told her to go to h*ll which i KNOW is reallly messed up of me but she had told megh and i to get out of her house after i tried to talk to my mom about not taking what megh says and does personally...tom did this too and it got him all riled up w/ megh when she was 'acting out' her feelings thru her behavior/attitude.

my mom had told megh to drink her apple juice at the table...that their rule in their house was that she (meaning kids) need to drink at the table ONLY. megh knew this...she keeps rebelling against this rule. i think she is testing my mom cuz my mom gets all bent out of shape and takes meghs' attitude toward her very personally and this gets megh going even more...i think it scares her. if megh stickes her tongue out at my mom or says you are mean my mom will say MEGHAN! do NOT talk to me that way!!! or MEGHAN do NOT stick your tongue out at me. i butt in like i did w/ tom and try to stop the other adult (in this case, my mother, now...) to stop taking it so personally and let it be for now...that i will deal w/ megh when she's calmed down. the more my mom gets or tom got riled up the more they scare megh i think cuz they are acting like children, taking it all personally and trying to make megh act or be a certain way in the moment. for petes sake, megh is FOUR.

so when we returned to the condo, i called the local abuse org to talk/vent and i was sobbing my eyes out. the woman (and i don't know if she has kids or not...) was the same one i met w/ yesterday there. she kept saying that megh IS young and she DOES need to know that grown ups WILL tell her what to do and she needs to do it (or not do it) if they have a rule in their house/store or whatnot. that's fine and dandy i said but megh is obviously hurting and i don't want to keep 'punishing her' by givine her consequences (such as if you stick your tongue out or are rude to nanny/grandma again, you won't be going to the playground today afterall.....or you lose your tricycle for today....or i will take away this or that today......). i don't do time outs.....i'm a very gentle disciplinarian. of course i don't want my dd treating her grandma like this but then again i don't want my mom treating megh like that either, taking everything so darn personally when megh is retaliating and expressing rebellion towards my moms 'authority' or is demanding something or being mean. i just feel that during the next few months my mom should be letting some things slide. say it once that that hurts when she sticks her tongue out and let me handle it when its NOT in occurence later on that day...it may take many a times. of course it probably doesn't help that i'm telling my mother to let it go and not take it personally and to stop in front of megh (like i did w/ tom too) but megh is always pretty much there...and i need to stop my mom when she's fighting megh when megh doesn't want to be nice to my mom. if megh was hitting my mom i'd of course stop it immediately by holding megh or taking her home or someplace else......

oh, that is the other thing the lady at the abuse org said...that megh may be too immature/young to realize that she needs to be respectful of say, me or her grandma just 'because' that is the loving thing to do. she says she may need just to be told how to be and have the consquence if she isn't kind or whatever. i said i believe she does know it, like when she is sorry it will come from her heart..not cuz i told her to say it or took something away. i have never liked that. i want her to learn right from wrong a different way.....not cuz mom said to be nice or kind. and not cuz she can't have what she wants til she makes good. that to me doesn't make it sincere. i think she IS old enough to know. she's just testing my mom...she's scared. my mom takes this little girls nastiness too personally i think. yeah it hurts...but we are the adults and need to cope better i think.

i just feel my little girl needs a break. she has a lot of confusion and emotions and fear and i think she needs a break. a little patience.

ok my mom just called and is coming back from the store for us so i can go file my restraining order. sigh...this is all just too much. tell me what you think.

[StacieM]

Lis - you are going through a lot. I wouldn't bank on Tom not fighting you so I think it's important to get as much in line as possible so that you don't have issues later. Document things, get the restraining order etc.

Also - with Megh, yes, she does need patience and love. She's been through a LOT too, BUT she also still needs her rules and boundaries right now. She needs to know exactly what is and what is not okay...not mixed messages (you not wanting her to act a certain way, yet defending her actions) because that will probably only add more to her confusion. And yes, I think you are right, she is smart enough to understand what she is and is not supposed to do, but in times of upheaval, she will probably test as much as she can and act out. This is where you need to be firm about letting her know what is acceptable and what is not. Not that you have to start being harsh, but be consistent in letting her know what you expect of her. She will push and test as much as she possibly can. Most kids do (even when they aren't going through what she is). Of course, it's much easier said than done and you are dealing with so much (and at the end of a pg on top of all that).

(((HUGS))) to you - thinking of you and wishing you the best - wishing you the strength you need to make it through this time in your life.

[chrysalis]

thanks stacie and gina...

ok went to court today and got the restraining order. i had to fed-ex it myself so it will arrive in tom's county/state sheriffs dept. on monday. don't know when he'd actually get served...i suppose sometime next week early on hopefully...

then my mom gets a call from her boyfriend saying tom called him AGAIN. i got so upset, i said mama, WHY is greg (her boyfriend) answering tom's calls at this point when he set a boundary not to call him anymore!!!??? of course, my mom is powerless in this but really...the more i think about it....WHY is greg answering them? and then talking with tom???!!! that just says hey, tom, my boundary can be crossed...you know i'll talk with you if you do call me anyway. my mom says greg can't always see well who is calling....like hello.....he could have put it on a special ringer to alert him or put tom's name in when his phone number is recognized. most men don't seem to think the way us women do w/ common sense stuff like this. ugh. so i guess what it was about is that tom sent me a letter to the resort. my mom just gave it to me. grrrrrr. wow thanks people. just want i needed. silly me opened it and read it. mostly about how he loves and misses me and 'his little girl' so much (this was written like the day or day before he signed up on yahoo personals...!!! and how he wants alone time w/ his woman (like i'm still HIS or am coming back to him someday...) despite that we have kids and please don't take his kids away (or our kids...i forget what he said) and to tell megh he loves her and that we just need to be able to talk to one another....oh and he went on and on targeting my depression issues, like THAT is why i left and why the house looked like a tornado swept thru it. like WHAT!!!!!!!!???? : lol and that he's sorry i'm having such a hard time in this pregnany and that we can overcome this depression together (blaming ME the victim over and over...you see the pattern?!) and sorry for yelling at me.....oh i suppose he thinks yelling=cursing and such...and saying its HIS house when i ask him to leave/leave me/us alone!?!?! this man is really a moron. i think he does mean well in this note but he is so stupid if you think about it. i honestly think he thinks yelling and saying such hurtful nasty things is 'just yelling' at me. whatever. i'm not falling for this nicey nice stuff or this guilt trip stuff about please don't take his kids (plural...meaning megh too!!!) away. ugh. : sorry dude...restraining order will soon be served. nothing we can talk about now unless he contests or petitions for parenting plan to come about in my state. i feel bad cuz i did love the good in him.....but he needs to take his verbal abusive anger issues seriously cuz i sure do. this is so emotional............its so hard doing this to someone i loved/cared about....i know this is all part of this abusive relationship...there are all sorts of feelings that go w/ this man i shared my life with. fear/anger/sadness/love/caring, etc. maybe some part of this is my fault for being the way i am w/ my dd, but she and i did not deserve (nor does sheamas) this stress put upon us emotionally and physically. he still acts like i'm just 'taking time to think'. lol like i didn't MOVE us here for good. he better wake up. thanks mamas for listening. ihope this all isn't stressing you out too.

[sorteep]

can Greg block his # on his phone along with the rest of you guys?? and send all mail back stamped "returned to sender adressee unknown" the PO should be able to help you with that.. deal only thru gov agencies or lawyers with him.. that ought to do it... good luck

[GinaRae]

I know that Megh is in a transition, however, now is still a good time to lay ground rules and enforce them. STRUCTURE is so important to a little girl who is floundering. She needs to understand respect and to understand why grandma and mom have rules she must follow. Because they love her.

Sticking out your tongue and other things seem harmless, but they need to be curbed now before she's still acting out at age 9 or 12 when it's much much harder to work with her. I would not allow her to be disrespectful. ou can still be a fun, exciting, loving, and wonderful mom - who has rules.

[Heather Marie]

I just wanted to give you some hugs mama.

Please keep a record of the things that are happening with Tom. I have to agree that it would be best to only communicate with Tom through a lawyer or some government agency. As much as you want to know what Tom is thinking, writing to you, saying about you...I think you really should step away from it. If he writes return the letters, if he calls ask your mom and stepdad to not answer and not to tell you.

I think Tom may do what he can to guilt you into feeling like leaving was the wrong choice. Stay strong hon.