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Why can't she give us just one day? Why does she have to take over everything? - Page 2

post #21 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
If we make a fuss about not letting her Mother have her for three hours first, even though it's our day, then her Mother will get back at us by having her "get sick and need to stay home", next time she knows we have something big planned at our house.
Maybe it's different by state, but here the only 'sickness' or 'not feeling well' excuse that can be permitted is if the illness is life-threatening.

A sick child absolutely cannot be hidden/kept away from the parent.

That is not a legal option, around here.

Not only is it not legal, it makes no sense.

Why would a child only be allowed around their nc parent when they're 100% well? Don't both parents have to deal with their child when they're ill?
post #22 of 39
My ex would always let me know dd was feeling ill, and then sometimes ask if I still wanted her to come. Usually those times were when dd had the chicken pox and I was pregnant, or when she had a really bad stomach bug and my youngest was only a few days old. I think those are the only two times she didn't come because of illness. I absolutely would not have allowed illness to be used as an excuse. Truth be told my ex would have probably loved to drop her off with the chicken pox, but he realized it might be an issue so he asked first.
post #23 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post

Why would a child only be allowed around their nc parent when they're 100% well? Don't both parents have to deal with their child when they're ill?
I think some people view visitation as another activity -- you keep your child home from school, home from ballet class, why not home from visitation? (This probably happens more in an actual "visitation" situation than in something closer to 50/50...one place is "home" and the other place is "away.")

In our case, we've kept my sick SD a night longer so her mom could work...Mom lives a bit of a drive away, and sending SD to her that night would necessarily mean her mom would have to take the next day off, whereas my partner had that day off already. But in general, illness doesn't change our schedule.
post #24 of 39
I can totally understand the predicament you are in and how frustrating it can be. I always feel so powerless in dealing with DH's ex. As mentioned above some custodial parents see visitation as an activity rather than time at home with family. My husband ex puts time with us in the same category as time for sports and extracurricular activities when in comes to how my DSD's time should be split, while time with her side of the family is sacred and comes behind nothing.

I have also seen overly reliant relationship you speak of. My DSD always feels guilty when she is here for the holidays because, "Mom misses me and needs me for it to be Christmas." So does Dad, but he chooses not to use DSD as a pawn.

So frustrating. I have so solutions other than to stand your ground. If you let her manipulate your plans she will always do it. You need to get DH to be more proactive. Good luck. Thankfully, when DSD is a little older she will see the games her mother is playing and appreciate some time away at your house.
post #25 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by AoifesMom View Post
I can totally understand the predicament you are in and how frustrating it can be. I always feel so powerless in dealing with DH's ex. As mentioned above some custodial parents see visitation as an activity rather than time at home with family. My husband ex puts time with us in the same category as time for sports and extracurricular activities when in comes to how my DSD's time should be split, while time with her side of the family is sacred and comes behind nothing.

I have also seen overly reliant relationship you speak of. My DSD always feels guilty when she is here for the holidays because, "Mom misses me and needs me for it to be Christmas." So does Dad, but he chooses not to use DSD as a pawn.

So frustrating. I have so solutions other than to stand your ground. If you let her manipulate your plans she will always do it. You need to get DH to be more proactive. Good luck. Thankfully, when DSD is a little older she will see the games her mother is playing and appreciate some time away at your house.
I always felt bad and worried about my mom when we woudl go with my dad, always. Not because of anything my mom said to me, she never made us feel bad about going, always encourages us.

It was just something I felt on my own. I missed her, I would have preferred to be with her, I had a stronger and closer relationship with my mom, it wasn't about my mom making me feel guilty or relying on me too much.

Don't just assume dsc's moms are doing or saying something to manipulate them into feeling bad. I would guess that many times the dsc are quite capable of coming up with feelings like these on their own.
post #26 of 39
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
Why would a child only be allowed around their nc parent when they're 100% well? Don't both parents have to deal with their child when they're ill?
Her Mother insisted on putting two things into the visitation order- if she's too sick to travel (1/2 hour drive between houses), she doesn't have to travel. Unfortunately, since she's at her Mother's house when she's too sick to travel, she stays there. It's also put into the visitation schedule that is she's at our house and becomes sick and asks to be brought back to her Mother (something that has never happened yet), we need to return her immediately. Unfortunately, it leaves a whole bunch of grey in between for her Mother to play in, since my Hubby isn't willing to play the same game back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I always felt bad and worried about my mom when we woudl go with my dad, always. Not because of anything my mom said to me, she never made us feel bad about going, always encourages us.

It was just something I felt on my own. I missed her, I would have preferred to be with her, I had a stronger and closer relationship with my mom, it wasn't about my mom making me feel guilty or relying on me too much.

Don't just assume dsc's moms are doing or saying something to manipulate them into feeling bad. I would guess that many times the dsc are quite capable of coming up with feelings like these on their own.
Definately something to keep in mind- I suspect if my son was visiting his Biological Father, he would tend to be like you, but I truly believe my stepdaughter is a different issue. It's all, or at least, mostly, Mother initiated with her. Gushing about how much she missed her when she was at our house, calling repeatedly to make sure me and her Dad are taking care of her right, making sure she reminded Katherine how she brought her to Disney World when we bring Katherine back from a camping trip, telling her she'll be "waiting for you to come back" when we pick her up. You'd have to hear her to understand exactly what I'm trying to say. In short, her Mother tells her at every turn that Katherine is her life, her only life and that she just cannot function until Katherine is home, with her REAL family and that she knows how much Katherine will be missing her while she's at our house, but don't worry, you'll be home, soon. She makes Katherine choose who to love most- HER, instead of letting Katherine love all her family, like she wants to. You don't know what I would give for my stepdaughter to have a Mother like yours, who lets her know it's okay to love someone besides Mommy and that it doesn't mean she loves Mommy less if she loves Daddy or me or her brother or that her Mother CAN function without her. That's too much pressure to put on a little girl. Or anyone, actually. My stepdaughter was so excited to actually be spending Halloweeen with us and Trick-or-Treating with us. She did not sound happy to find out that first, she will be dropped off (compliments of Hubby) at her Mother's work for three hours and then picked up (compliments of Hubby) in time to drive back and start Trick-or-Treating, but as she put it, "My Mom needs to spend time with me on Halloween.", not "I want to see Mom." or "I want to show Mom my costume.", but "My MOM needs to see me on Halloween." That's why I worry about her and her Mother, even though there's nothing I could do about it, even if I knew what to do about it. Everything's "How will my MOM feel about it?, What does my MOM want?" It's not supposed to be all about her Mother' it's supposed to be all about her. If HER feelings were clinging to her Mother, that would be one thing, but it's her Mother's feelings, clinging to the child. She's getting old enough so that she's realizing that nobody else's Mother does this and she's been getting... I don't know how to describe it. I think it makes her wonder why her Mother always needs to be right in there, no matter what she's doing. I think she's feeling smothered, though not in so many words, in 7 year old words.
post #27 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
In short, her Mother tells her at every turn that Katherine is her life, her only life and that she just cannot function until Katherine is home, with her REAL family and that she knows how much Katherine will be missing her while she's at our house, but don't worry, you'll be home, soon. She makes Katherine choose who to love most- HER, instead of letting Katherine love all her family, like she wants to.
That is a lot of emotional responsibility to put on a little girl. Yeesh.
post #28 of 39
I think all you can do is disengage as much as possible. Provide a loving and solid place for Katherine and don't involve yourself with a power struggle. If the mom deviates from legalities, you can take legal recourse. Other then that, you have to be patient and wait for Katherine to grow up and make her own choices. And hopefully, with your gentle guidance and respect for her space and her relationship with her mom, she will make the healthiest ones.
post #29 of 39
I don't have much advice, but maybe a *tiny bit of perspective.
My ex and I haven't been together since ds was a year old. He pretty much didn't give a fig about holidays until he got married a few years ago and suddenly decided that family things were important. And I still don't think that he cares as much as she does. Ds's stepmom and I have a decent relationship, better than ds's *father and I. But it was still hard for me to adjust to sharing these things after years of having them all to myself. I'm getting better at it, but I think it'll always be a work in progress.
The first year, whatever holiday it may be, is always the hardest. Once that's out of the way, maybe you'll find it easier to get an agreement to alternate in the future. My favorite time to discuss future plans is right before ex's turn, so he's in a good mood knowing he's getting his way in the immediate future.
post #30 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
"My MOM needs to see me on Halloween." That's why I worry about her and her Mother, even though there's nothing I could do about it, even if I knew what to do about it. Everything's "How will my MOM feel about it?, What does my MOM want?" It's not supposed to be all about her Mother' it's supposed to be all about her. If HER feelings were clinging to her Mother, that would be one thing, but it's her Mother's feelings, clinging to the child. She's getting old enough so that she's realizing that nobody else's Mother does this and she's been getting... I don't know how to describe it. I think it makes her wonder why her Mother always needs to be right in there, no matter what she's doing. I think she's feeling smothered, though not in so many words, in 7 year old words.
This isn't that out of the ordinary for a child to feel this way. When my parents got divorced I always sided with my mom. Not because she made me, or talked bad about my dad... because she was my MOM. I always thought "How will my MOM feel about it?" "What does my MOM want?" I cared so much about her feelings and worried about her constantly. My mom is completely self sufficient and never gave me a reason to think she couldn't take care of herself and yet I felt I had to be there for her. I have a very close non-manipulative relationship with her to this day. I think you are assuming a lot about their relationship and you sound extremely jealous about it. Maybe DD is crying to her at night about how she doesn't want to go to her dads house and so the mom reassures her. I mean, you just don't know.
post #31 of 39
I am sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like you are very reasonable and that her Mother is not.

I would go back to court or to whomever sets up the decisions for Holidays and get Halloween added. You not getting her again until 2011 is insane! I am really sorry.

It sounds like her mother is a control freak-IMO. I think if it is your holiday, you should get to help choose the costume, not her Mother. Hanna Montana is kinda old for a 6 year old. She is cute but wouldn't Katherine like to choose her own costume?

Also, as far as poisoning your future grankids against you, she is nuts. Those kind of things always backfire and kids understand how people really are! I hope that your stepdaughter knows how wonderful you are for putting up with all of this.

Best wishes for tonight.

Huge hugs to you mama, you certainly put up with a lot!

Take care!
post #32 of 39
well, she CAN because she's the mum.
post #33 of 39
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
That is a lot of emotional responsibility to put on a little girl. Yeesh.
Yeah. That's what worries me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
I think you are assuming a lot about their relationship and you sound extremely jealous about it.
With all due respect, that sounds very assuming of YOU. Don't you think if she was that worried, she'd be asking to call her Mother all the time or fighting coming here all the time? She's never fought going to or from either house and she's only asked to call her Mother on her own, without the "my Mom said I have to call her" only once or twice, to call her to tell her if something special happened at school or if her tooth finally fell out. Why would you automatically assume that because I'm worried about my stepdaughter always looking to see "what would my Mom want" first or about us getting several phone calls a day, that her Mother is wonderful person and the only one Katherine wants to be with? Don't you think it's possible, with ME being the one in the situation, not YOU, that I might know a thing or two about the situation and what's going on? Would YOU want your life to always be dicated by "well, what would so-and-so say about this" and "I wish I could do this, but so-and-so will get mad/sad/upset/whatever", before you thought of what you wanted to do or even to say what you wanted to do but agree to do something else because you know how so-and-so will react?

Quote:
Originally Posted by momoftworedheads View Post
Also, as far as poisoning your future grankids against you, she is nuts. Those kind of things always backfire and kids understand how people really are! I hope that your stepdaughter knows how wonderful you are for putting up with all of this.
Me, too.

I guess I'll give an update on tonight later. As it stands, my Hubby's picking Katherine up right after school and driving her to her Mother's work. Then he's leaving for coffee or whatever he does until he picks her up at 5:30. (Note, Trick-or-Treat starts here at 5:30 and it's a 25 minute drive without traffic). They'll be back around 6 and we'll all go. It's our regular "sleepover" Wednsday, and since Trick-or-Treating ends so late (7:00, then dinner, then bath- Katherine wouldn't get back to her Mother's until probably 9), her Mother's actually gonna let us keep her tonight and drop her off tomorrow. : I don't know what I'm going to do with my son while we wait to Trick-or-Treat. It starts at 5:30, but people start ringing the doorbell anytime after 4:30. It's gonna drive him nuts. (He's 12, but he's got Asperger's Syndrome so he has some major impatience issues, especially lately, so I don't think it's gonna be a pleasant wait.) Any suggestions?
post #34 of 39
So, how did it go?
post #35 of 39
Thread Starter 
It went much the same as I expected. They got back at 5:30 and both kids were a bit grumpy... Gary because Trick-or-Treating was already starting and we weren't and Katherine because she'd spent the last 2 hours sitting in her costume at her Mother's work watching her Mother work and show her off and then the half hour trip home. Besides that, it went okay, with only one phone call from her Mother during Trick-or-Treating. Katherine was a bit snotty towards her Mother (why would she want to stop Trick-or-Treating to talk to her Mother on the phone when she saw her Mother an hour ago?), so I think that kinda put her Mother off a bit. During the whole Trick-or-Treating, all we heard was, "I hope this house has Three Musketeers. My Mom said I have to give her my Three Musketeers because she's not here an those are her favorite." I mean, come on, let the kid get candy she likes. It's not like her Mother can't go out to buy a Three Musketeers bar if she wanted one that bad. Just because she's Trick-or-Treating with us doesn't mean she's gonna forget you're her Mother. You don't need to tell her to make sure she thinks of you 24/7- she won't forget about you just because she's with us. Anyways, sorry, sore spot there... We walked all over town (actually, it's a two mile villiage and we're all still very sore) and got tons of candy. My Husband grew up with most the people here, so most people recognised him and then gave out kids extra attention and candy. The kids loved it. The we went to Grampa's house- he gave them candy and MONEY. That was their favorite. And then we went to one of my sister-in-law's work places (awesome resteraunt/bar) and got lots of candy and attention and then we went to my other sister-in-law's house where she spoiled them rotten- no one had come to her house Trick-or-Treating, so she dumped all her candy in the kids' bags. : We got home, and both kids went straight into the tub. I guess Katherine's Mother called while she was in the tub, because when we (me and Katherine) came out of the bathroom, Kenny said we had to call Katherine's Mother back, so we did. I blowdried Katherine's hair (it was already almost 9pm) and Katherine was exhausted. When we called her Mother back, she was cranky and disinterested. She told her Mother she didn't want to talk, she just wanted to go to bed. I kinda felt sorry for her Mother- I know how much her Mother NEEDS to think that Katherine just cannot function without her, but at the same time, I was kinda glad Katherine was actually doing what she wanted to do (Trick-or-Treat and then go to sleep) instead of humoring her Mother, even if it was by doing something she didn't want to do.
post #36 of 39
Wow. It sounds like your dsd's mom has some issues. I'm assuming she would never go to therapy, but your dsd might benefit from a few sessions with someone to help her not feel so responsible for her mom.

I guess I should consider myself lucky. DSD's mom really mainly calls our house to tell DF about her love life.
post #37 of 39
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I guess I should consider myself lucky. DSD's mom really mainly calls our house to tell DF about her love life.
You know, I wish my stepdaughter's Mother would! Twice in the last 6 yerars, she's had a boyfriend (neither lasting more than six months), but when she did, it was beautiful- she would rarely call when Katherine was here and then, maybe only once. She was always asking us to keep Katherine late or an extra day because she had somewhere to go with her boyfriend.
post #38 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
During the whole Trick-or-Treating, all we heard was, "I hope this house has Three Musketeers. My Mom said I have to give her my Three Musketeers because she's not here an those are her favorite." I mean, come on, let the kid get candy she likes. It's not like her Mother can't go out to buy a Three Musketeers bar if she wanted one that bad. Just because she's Trick-or-Treating with us doesn't mean she's gonna forget you're her Mother. You don't need to tell her to make sure she thinks of you 24/7- she won't forget about you just because she's with us. Anyways, sorry, sore spot there...
I just wanted to comment on this because its easily something I could have seen my dd saying to her (ex) step mother. Its hard to really know how your step dd's mother meant it when she said that about the candy. I know when I wasn't around for something that was important to me, I've always made sure to say things that remind my dd I am thinking of her. In fact, I have said to her "Don't forget, all the special darks are for me!" because every year she's given them to me, so its kinda one of our little things. It makes her laugh, roll her eyes and say "yeeeessss mom."

In no way have I ever said it to be intruding on her time with her father in any way. Its something between my dd and I and nothing more. Just our way of connecting when we aren't together.

I realize your situation is different in some ways because your step dd's mom is the custodial parent. (correct?) And in my case my dd was with her dad more. I just wanted to throw that out there though.. that sometimes its not a manipulative, controlling, "don't forget meeeee!" kinda thing and possibly more just a secret "I love you." moment. And kids often come out and say things that doesn't always translate the way they were meant. Trust me! My dd has told her father things that were true.. however, not meant in the way she said them. MUCH clarification is needed! And you really, really, really need to talk to the mother about things that upset you and not rely on information from your step daughter. As much as you want to believe what she says, sometimes things get mixed up easily at that age.
post #39 of 39
Ugh.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

What a crappy situation. Sounds like she's not in a very good place :/ You have a grat attitude, though

If it were me (on either side - momma or stepmomma), I would want dad to open up some honest communication and make sure we all came to a resolution. Sometimes you just have to put it out there, yk? It is what it is, and "it" is just not working.

Good luck! <3
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