I miss being pregnant, I wasn't ready. :(

[dynamicdoula]

I went to an NST and went straight to a cesarean four weeks and four days ago. I was 35.6 weeks pregnant. I loved being pregnant, I wasn't miserable, I wasn't anxious for it to be over. I wasn't ready.

I look down and I still feel shocked that I don't have a big belly. I put on my clothes and I can't believe how flat I look.

I miss how special I felt, the kind looks from strangers, the questions. I wasn't annoyed by it, I relished in the attention. If I go out without my baby, I'm not special anymore, I'm just another person out in the world. If I go out with my baby, then it's the same routine questions and answers:

-- Yes, she's very small. Weight? She was 4#7oz when she was born. Oh yes, I know, tiny!
-- Yep, she was a preemie, born four weeks early.
-- She did have to stay in the hospital for a week, nope, she had no problems.
-- Oh yes I'm very excited to have a girl after two boys.

I just wasn't ready to not be pregnant. I miss waking up to my husband's arms around me, whispering in my ear how big I am, fantasizing about how big our baby might be. I never got to wonder if I was in labor or not. I never got to be uncomfortable and ache for the pregnancy to just be over with. I loved being pregnant, and then it was suddenly over, I had this surgery and didn't see my baby for 15 hours, and then had to stay in the hospital for a week. I didn't imagine how my pregnancy would end, I didn't count on any specific outcome, but I couldn't anticipate how a preterm birth would affect me as a mother.

Irrationally, I feel like I should get pregnant to 'correct' this feeling in my body that I'm still pregnant. Is that weird? Obviously I'm not going to do that ( but there's just this lack of closure in my body, even a month later.

[cherubess]

I know exactly what you mean.

Funnily enough last night at dinner I said to my DH that "I missed being pregnant".

I miss the firm big belly and feeling the baby move around inside. Sure it was uncomfortable at times but I was looking forward to at least one more week of being pregnant and getting nesty at home. This was my last planned pregnant and I was trying to enjoy what I had left of it.

I was also looking forward to doing a few things differently to my first birth. I refused having a mirror to see my baby's head crowning with my DS and I wanted to have a mirror this time around. I was looking forward to having another VB in a warm environment with my DH by my side and the lovely MW at the family birthing unit in the hospital keeping an eye on things with my OB only making an appearance if he had to or at the end.

I was looking forward to going into labour on my own as my high BP was under control this time and there was no inkling of pre-E as well.

Unfortunately the sudden emergency c/s put an end to those happy VB dreams at just a little more than 3 weeks before EDD.

I have recovered well enough physically but I am frustrated and at times upset at my inability to drive, do normal housework (I like things done a certain way), hang out the laundry and lift my son. It frustrates me so much that I am at a loss as to why people would elect to have a c/s for no real medical reason when there is an ongoing residual affect many weeks after. With my DS even though I had 2nd degree tearing I was up and about doing normal things almost immediately. The only thing which wasn't happening until many many months later was DTD because of the stitches and tearing but it was the last thing on my mind on top of sleep deprivation.

I am also battling a small baby who is so sleepy that it is a battle to b/f her and as a result my milk supply has taken a beating

Don't get me wrong I am thankful that my daughter was born safe and alive but I mourn my loss of my second VB which was to be my dream VB.

I wish I could have another baby to resolve these feelings but I know that it would be a battle with DH for a VBAC and also with three children I could not be a SAHM but with two I can.

I wasn't ready either and to a degree I am still playing catch up on an emotional level.

[jennay]

I wasn't ready either. I felt great - even as I was walking down the hall to the OR for the c/s. I kept holding out hope that she would flip to head down at the last minute and I could avoid surgery. My OB and perinatologist kept telling me these stories of babies who flipped at the last minute to encourage me but in the end all it did was not prepare me emotionally for another c/s. I managed to delay the c/s until 39w6d but am sad I didn't go into labor and dd was just taken out. I talked to her that morning and told her that she was going to be born that day - I hope she heard me and was somewhat ready. Okay, now I'm crying.

[Stayseeliz]

I think being high risk and having to go through everything that entails is really stressful and messes with our sense of calm during pregnancy and birth. I was huge and miserable and ready to have the baby by the time she came. But I felt like I was robbed of the joy of being pregnant. 6 weeks of bedrest, twice weekly dr appointments, NST's, BPP's, repeats of the 24 hour urinalysis really took the joy out of being pregnant. It was nothing but stress. What I'm trying to focus on is the fact that the baby is here and she's healthy. For me that was the goal. I was disappointed about having a c/s too. But she's here and I'm very thankful for that!

Sorry you're having a hard time with everything..I know it's tough!

[Dena]

Oh, mamas, I couldn't read this and not post.

I am so sorry you are all going through this.

[thorn]

I'm so sorry - I had many of these same feelings with my first birth.

[Banana731]

I am so sorry. I think a lot of us can relate to how you feel. It's completely okay to mourn the loss of the birth you hoped for. Please keep talking about those emotions, it's the first step on the path to healing.

[levismom]

so sorry mamas....
i have no idea what you must be going through right now as I have not experienced a csxn previously, but I am praying that your hearts will return to joy soon as this must be so difficult to try and be elated to everyone's expectation and heal within simultaneously.:
jj