Children and Funerals?

[Cedarah]

My wonderful Grandfather has passed away. I have one child who is three and typically doesn't do well in concerts, church services, etc. I feel a strong need to be at the service and to be a part of that ritual for the sake of my own grieving. Hi death marks the last of my family that I was close to. Both of my parents are dead and my three sibs whom I'm not close to at all will be at the services as well.

DD has only been babysat by some friends of ours locally who are like adopted Grandparents to her. She doesn't do well with other people, typically. We have to fly to another state for the services, and dd doesn't know any of our friends there, so I'm worried about asking an old friend there to watch her. She doesn't know her Grandparents (DH's folks who live in the state we are flying to) well either, and there are problems with them (serious child molesting kind of stuff with another relative that they wouldn't keep away from dd), so having them watch her is out of the question.

I was thinking of taking her to the funeral, and maybe asking an old friend to come along and walk around with her outside looking at plants and flowers and rocks and such with dd's magnifying glass. She might go for that. However, I also have to attend the graveside services and while thinking of that, I realized that I'm very nervous about having dd around the whole funeral thing in general. I really don't want to explain that box going into the ground, or why mama is so sad. She doesn't yet have any concept of death and I think it is too intense for that understanding to begin with human death.

Then I started worrying that my other relatives, who are very conservative and judgmental of kids not being "under control" (blech!) might think it terribly innapropriate for me to even have a young child at a funeral.

I'm sorry this is so rambly, but I'd really appreciate any and all thoughts. Do you think a funeral might be too much for her since she hasn't even thought about leaves dying???? Would you take her? Try to have her outside of the service? But then what about the graveside thing? How can I just drop her off with someone whom I've never known in context as to how they care for a child (meaning my old friends that I've not seen since our childless twenties) and that is a stranger to her?

This is so stressful. I just don't know what to do!

TIA,

Cedarah
~~~~~~

[WickidaWitch]

Sorry that you lost some you love so much!
I would take my son to a funeral if I felt I really needed to be there and didn't have anyone I trusted to take care of him. I (personally)wouldn't care what any of the relatives thought. He was your Granfather, you have every right to be there.
I think children can only make a sad situation better. There happy,carefree and full of life.
Maybe at the grave you could not stand so close to the front(near the coffin). Maybe youll get lucky and she'd fall asleep in the car. You could put her in a stroller?
I hope everything goes well. Good luck

[lisamarie]

I am really sorry for your loss ((((HUG)))). My dh died when my ds was 3 yo. I truly didn't know what to do. My son's grief and loss counselor gave me some ideas and guidance as to what to do. First off, we talked w/my ds about what would go on at a funeral~"When Dinosaurs Die" is a good book. I did also give him the option of whether or not to attend. I really wanted him to be there, but I didn't want to force him to attend. I also had a friend, who in case my ds got uncomfortable during the service and squirmy, who could take him out of the service and read books, etc. My ds could just "sense" the sadness, tension and sorrow in the air and was, for the most part, very quiet. During the graveside, he did come with me as well and at that point, I didn't even know if I was going to attend. At the end, he put a rose on his father's casket.

Is your partner attending? If not, then I would suggest bringing a friend that is close to you and your child. They can offer emotional support for you and your little one and help you at the service. Also, maybe post over at "Grief and Loss"~other's there may have some great suggestions as well.

Best of luck and sending you healing thoughts during your time of grief and loss.

Hugs~

Lisa

[emmaline]

I would take my child to the funeral with no hesitation at all, esp since there really is no option about not taking her.

My ds1 went to 3 family funerals when quite young (all under 2) and though no one else in the family thought it was appropriate dh and I did so he came along. I had so many comments from elderly relatives who were delighted to see a beautiful baby to remind them of the promise of upcoming generations.

Particularly at my MIL's funeral - ds1 was her only grandchild and she loved him so much I could never have left him out. The family knew that too, but it did go against the grain for them.

Your idea of having a close friend take dd for a walk if required is so sensible. Services can be long and boring to little kid but that's not their fault. If you are upset just gently explain why - dd would pick up on unexplained upset anyway, it's healthier to give a simple explanation, and go on giving the explanation as much as needed, adding extra detail if she seems to need it. You may end up having lots of conversations about death and dying but this is so much better than saying nothing, in my opinion.

Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

[Jish]

My son was only 11 months when I lost my grandmother. We took him to the funeral and when he fussed, dh took him out of the church/graveside service so I would not have to leave. He was great, and I think dh only had to leave once briefly.

My dh's grandfather died this past summer when ds was three and my other second ds was nine months. Since it was his grandfather it was an unspoken agreement that I would be the one who took the kids out if it became necessary. They were both great and it was never an issue. Ny kids have been going to mass with us since birth, and are used to being in church, but that doesn't mean that we don't have to take one or the other out of the church -- often in the case of my now 17 month old.

When it came to the whole death issue with the funeral we made a simple decision not to let our three yr old see inside the casket. No one looks natural after they have passed away, and I didn't want him to be traumatized by seeing his great grandpa like that. When he asked any questions we simply told him that grandpa had gone to heaven to be with God. He was totally clueless about what the whole funeral thing was, and only asked about grandpa the next time we went to visit grandma and grandpa wasn't there with her. That's when the whole heaven thing came up. Simple answers tailored to a three year old are the best. The only want the basics, not detailed explanations of what has happened, or about what happens after you die.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that all goes well for you there.

[Cedarah]

Originally posted by lisamarie
Is your partner attending? If not, then I would suggest bringing a friend that is close to you and your child. They can offer emotional support for you and your little one and help you at the service. Also, maybe post over at "Grief and Loss"~other's there may have some great suggestions as well.

Best of luck and sending you healing thoughts during your time of grief and loss.

Hugs~

Lisa

Thank you Lisa. I'm so sorry about the loss of your DH . . .

My husband will be there, but I feel like he should be attending the service as well. And we have no friends where we are travelling to that our dd knows -- we've lived out of state near Seattle for about 8 years now.

Thank you for sharing how your son handled the service when he was three. I'm so sorry you've both been through that experience, but thank you so much for sharing it with me.

Blessings,

Cedarah

[Cedarah]

Thank you also to everyone else for the replies and great ideas. Simple answers, simple answers for three year olds . . . need to repeat that one. It seems like everything is kind of swirling around right now. DH and I are talking quickly about everything and he is working this weekend in order to get the time for the trip -- so it feels like I never complete one thought, but we are hopping around from one to the other. ACK!

Anyway, any additional thoughts and ideas welcome. It helps so much to hear what others have done and it helps me to sort out what I want to do.

Thank you all so much,

Cedarah

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i've always liked the idea of having the child there and having a helper who's purpose is the child when they need to go for a walk or such

we had one funeral that was held at a church/synagogue and *WE* contacted the priest/rabbi ahead of time asking if there was someone he knew that could help with daughter for the hour or so. he choose someone who asked two other kids from the congregation to help out and they absolutely refused our money at the end (i would have paid anyone else to sit, so i didnt see why they should be any different)

it was really great because they had a playspace in the basement with toys!!


we then had another funeral where i didnt want her graveside because it was going to be military service (i was afriad there would be a gun salute) and i was thinking that to a two yr old a cemetary would probably look like a 'playground' and figured that would be too disruptive.

in general what we've done for various family events is that whoever's family it is (mine or dh's) that person has first priority to the event, whoever's the inlaw has first priority for responding to my daughter. but WE both work really hard to make it as good for dd as we can (take toys, snax, get her interested in things, etc)

[LdyBluNH@aol]

mothering had an article in the past six months about death and kids - taking them or not and explaining things to them


my dd was two and we lost a cat - i left it as kitty isnt coming home anymore as i felt that any more explanation wouldn't be understood

in the past year she has asked about kitty and i reiterate that kitty wont be coming home again and leave off explanations as to where he is.

[hahamommy]

I, too, lost my dh while the kids were young (dd 4, ds2). They both attended the funeral and my dd participated in the rites. "Luckily" my grandfather had died 1.5 years before and I could explain to the kids about bodies growing old and tired, etc. before they were confronted with the untimely death of their father. Would you leave your child at home if you were visiting your best friend after she gave birth? NO? Then why would you consider leaving him out of an activity at the other end of the life spectrum? (I ask this because someone asked if I was cancelling Christmas because DH died ~ it wouldn't get cancelled for one MORE person, why would we cancel it for one LESS??) I say the more we treat death as a normal part of life, the less fear you will instill in your child about it. Your baby knows something is going on with you: your sadness, your fears, your indecision, your concerns, THOSE will freak him out quicker than the truth about death.
I had to face all the icky questions, too, about caskets, burial, viewings, etc. I prefaced everything with "Gramma chose..." or "some people choose..." and introduced the choices we made/are making for daddy.
And no, being widowed doesn't leave you with all the answers, not even most of the right answers, I'm still making this all up as we go along, but the kids are included every step of the way.

[Teensy]

Maybe an old family friend you trust could supervise your child somewhere during the funeral. Say, on the way to the service, you take your child and the friend to Chuck E. Cheese or a playground, and your child plays while you attend the funeral. Your child would be too busy having fun to care which adult was in charge of watching them.
Just another option.
I will proably be attending my grandfather's funeral within a few months (similar circumstances), and I plan on asking old family friend (who I used to babysit for) to watch my children. I don't think I should ask my children to comprehend my grandfather's death and obviously the funeral service will be a sad and somber event. I'd rather my children be playing.

[Irishmommy]

I have a set of "parents by love", that my dd's refer to as their grandparents, though there is no blood relationship (both bio gparents live overseas). When I was pregnant with dd2, their grandpa "D" died. He and dd1 were really close - closer than he was with his bio grandchildren. Dd1 was 5 yrs 9 months when he died, and we took her to the funeral. I wasn't able to find out before the visitation if the casket would be open, so we didn't bring her there - I didn't want that to be her last memory. She was wonderful at the funeral, cried her heart out, but understood what it was all about. Her granny "M" said after that it really helped her that dd was there. The funeral was in the funeral home, and my only problem was that during the reception dd decided she wanted to touch the casket, but when we went back to the chapel, they had already removed it. It certainly didn't traumatize her, I think it helped. If her father died, though, I would probably let her see him laid out, if she wanted to, she's old enough now (7.5) to make that decision, imho.

Cedarah, I think your idea of having a friend to watch your son is great, and there is no pressure on either of you for your son to attend. My thoughts are with you.

[copslass]

Cedarah,
My condolences. It is so difficult to lose a loved one. I hope your good memories bring you much joy.

On the issue of children and funerals, my outlook seems to be less than usual, but my family has never made an issue of it. We have always considered death a normal life event, like birth. I attended many family funerals during childhood and my kids have always attended them as well.

My kids were older, but when my grandmother passed away 3 years ago, I brought my kids over immediately. I felt that it was important for us, together, to reposition her, smooth her covers, etc., essentially to do something for her, together... MIL was horrified by this. We just feel that it makes for a good transition.

My opinion is that society has institutionalized death, as it has birth, making both life events into mysterious passages to be handled by "pros" and thereby adding to the fear of normal life events.
Anyway, that is my view, seems to have worked well for myself and my family.
I wish you well.

Tracy

[laralou]

We just went to 2 funerals this weekend. I took ds despite my mother's objections. I think that death is natural and nothing to be afraid of. We talked before, during and after about what was happening, why we do what we do, why people were crying, etc. Ds is 8 but I would've done it no matter what his age. I would just explain at your child's level what to expect and what is going on. Ds got to pay his respects to the family, tell them what our uncle and cousin meant to him, and got to say a little prayer for each of them. He got to see me do the same. He got to see the family both mourn and joyfully remember. I thought it was all good. He didn't seem uncomfortable during any of it.

If it makes you feel better though, I think bringing the friend along is a great idea.

[Cedarah]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful replies.

My extended relatives have said that they think it is a good thing to bring our daughter as my Grandfather loved children so much. Hopefully they will be as open when she will likely fuss at the ceremony, but I'm going to just go with it and not worry about it.

I hold much the same belief as many of you have stated -- that death is part of life and that we have tried to remove ourselves from it as much as possible in our society, and that is not a healthy thing at all. However, I sometimes have a difficult time bringing my thoughts on things to play out in life when confronted with others who don't agree (and are very verbal about it). It helps so much to have kindred souls here and elsewhere in my days. Need to keep on making these thoughts a reality in my life.

Anyway, please forgive the late night ramblings here. This coming week is going to be a difficult one.

Thank you all again. I'll let you know how it goes when we get back.

Cedarah

[laralou]

Originally posted by Cedarah
However, I sometimes have a difficult time bringing my thoughts on things to play out in life when confronted with others who don't agree (and are very verbal about it).

We are all like this I think. It is hard not to be. That is why I love coming here. Where else could you get such unbiased great advise?

I hope the funeral goes well and that you are able to celebrate his life. Cut yourself some slack as this will be an emotionally draining experience.