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Unschoolers ~ Is it ever ok to impose your will? - Page 3

post #41 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
I do now see the value of the Pokemon game that I did not see before because I got so caught up in the anti-hype, if you will. That's my regret. Live and learn. I do not want to do that to the rest of my children. I do see my ds incorporating TV shows that he watches into his own creative play. I also see him use various household items in ways they were not intended and I find that very cool. I like the idea of going to second hand stores if I'm purposely taking my ds to buy a toy.

Unfortunately, right now I don't have any choice about whether or not to take him with me to the store that sells toys when I need to get something else. I'm the only adult home right now so my ds has to go on all those errands with me. I don't always buy him something, either. Most of the time we just look for a little bit. I tell him I'm not going to buy him anything and he's fine with that. So, it's not an issue of him getting upset every time we go out because he doesn't get something. It's an issue of, when I do agree to get him something, reconciling respecting his wants with my values, if that makes any sense.
It makes sense. We are always evolving. I do remember feeling a bit freaky in my waldorf playgroup for 'allowing' my child his Star Wars legos. I was very concerned about violent toys and I struggled with it at first. My dh was much more relaxed. He grew up as a boy, with some boy things and he loved certain kinds of play, yet he was a thoughtful, gentle adult. My ds also grew into the kind and thoughtful young man I always knew he would be. He was free to play, free to choose, respected in those choices.

Despite pressure from the playgroup, I absolutely felt uncomfortable directing my child's play. I wasn't worried about him becoming a violent person-- I could see my homebirthed, EBF, family bedded child was a dear. I was able to seal myself from what I saw as hysteria about getting into a child's face wrt to play. We actually stopped going to playgroup at one home (my oldest was about 6 at the time, and we were involved in an off-shoot grouping that came about from our LLL meetings) when the parent told the children they could not play 'monster' at her house becuase it was too scary and violent. The children were not harming each other, and it wasn't the least bit dangerous. That was just so over the top for me. I could not see forbidding play the children themselves created.

I think it's wonderful you are thinking about this. It's a great topic, imo.
post #42 of 51
I always envisioned (pre-kids) that MY children would not even know what a gun was - they would be busy all the time in the garden, where they would make wood nymphs from acorns and vines. While eating kashi. And groats.

Then an older neighbor kid (who both my kids adore) gave ds1 a hand grenade for his 3nd birthday. : I was so conflicted and stressed about it, but I let them play with it, and with the piles of other weaponry that this boy introduced to them, and as I watched them play I realized that the neighbor kid (though completely obsessed with war and fighting) was the sweetest, kindest kid I had ever met! : I'm certainly not saying that the weapon/war play MADE him that way, but obviously it didn't hurt him either...

Here's a funny story, though - one day they were playing some war game (making a machine gun nest on the bed, I think it was), and DS2 (4yo at the time) mentioned a Tom and Jerry cartoon that he had seen. Jeb (neighbor boy) looked up at me, shocked! Scratched the side of his face with a Bowie knife, and said, "You really shouldn't let them watch that - it's VERY violent!"

Ok, so I "let" them play this stuff, but at the same time I struggle with the same questions that the OP has. I will not buy them guns, and I don't let them spend their money on them. I also tell them that I won't play war stuff with them because "I don't like it." But I don't always feel like that's the best approach, and I do worry about the message that I'm sending...
post #43 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
He grew up as a boy, with some boy things and he loved certain kinds of play, yet he was a thoughtful, gentle adult. My ds also grew into the kind and thoughtful young man I always knew he would be. He was free to play, free to choose, respected in those choices.
And it's my own humble opinion that he might not have grown up to be such a thoughtful, gentle adult if he hadn't had so much respect and freedom as a growing child!

Children Learn What They Live

Lillian
post #44 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by obiandelismom View Post
I always envisioned (pre-kids) that MY children would not even know what a gun was - they would be busy all the time in the garden, where they would make wood nymphs from acorns and vines. While eating kashi. And groats. .
:
post #45 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by obiandelismom View Post
I always envisioned (pre-kids) that MY children would not even know what a gun was - they would be busy all the time in the garden, where they would make wood nymphs from acorns and vines. While eating kashi. And groats.

Then an older neighbor kid (who both my kids adore) gave ds1 a hand grenade for his 3nd birthday. : I was so conflicted and stressed about it, but I let them play with it, and with the piles of other weaponry that this boy introduced to them, and as I watched them play I realized that the neighbor kid (though completely obsessed with war and fighting) was the sweetest, kindest kid I had ever met! : I'm certainly not saying that the weapon/war play MADE him that way, but obviously it didn't hurt him either...

Here's a funny story, though - one day they were playing some war game (making a machine gun nest on the bed, I think it was), and DS2 (4yo at the time) mentioned a Tom and Jerry cartoon that he had seen. Jeb (neighbor boy) looked up at me, shocked! Scratched the side of his face with a Bowie knife, and said, "You really shouldn't let them watch that - it's VERY violent!"

Ok, so I "let" them play this stuff, but at the same time I struggle with the same questions that the OP has. I will not buy them guns, and I don't let them spend their money on them. I also tell them that I won't play war stuff with them because "I don't like it." But I don't always feel like that's the best approach, and I do worry about the message that I'm sending...
I love this whole post. Don't we all have a fantasy about how our children will be and how we will "raise" them before we actually have them and reality sets in? My sis doesn't have kids yet and she likes to go on and on about how her children are going to be. I just smile and think to myself, "You have no idea." hehe

My dh carries a big gun for work. When we saw him off for his deployment he had that big gun strapped to his back. My 3yo ds was obsessed with daddy's big gun for so long afterward. It was very hard for me to express how I feel about guns to my ds without making daddy look bad.
post #46 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
I love this whole post. Don't we all have a fantasy about how our children will be and how we will "raise" them before we actually have them and reality sets in? My sis doesn't have kids yet and she likes to go on and on about how her children are going to be. I just smile and think to myself, "You have no idea." hehe
And this is often the case with homeschooling as well. People will think they know how they're going to do it from the time they're preganant or have babies or toddlers - as if they're the only ones who are involved in the dynamics. Funny thing is - you don't even necessarily know how it's going to be even after you've been doing it for a while - it keeps changing, fortunately, with the needs of the children themselves, rather than marching in step with the educational theories of the parents. Children have a way of making things get real. Lillian
post #47 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillian J View Post


And it's my own humble opinion that he might not have grown up to be such a thoughtful, gentle adult if he hadn't had so much respect and freedom as a growing child!

Children Learn What They Live

Lillian
My MIL is a very wise woman. She has so much patience-- my dh is very much like her. She is a huge child advocate. I tell my dh I married him for his mother.
post #48 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post

I cannot direct my own karma. It will ripen according to the causes and effects that created it. (Contrary to popular belief, btw, karma is not a big ledger where you get brownie points for good deeds and black marks for bad ones. Karma is merely cause and effect at work.) I can, however, work to minimize my accumulation of more negative karma by avoiding the aforementioned "nonvirtuous actions." However, should I accidentally create negative karma anyway (which I do all day long, every day, because I am a very poor Buddhist ), I can't control how that karma will ripen.

I believe I can say ITA to all of that. Though my Buddhist path is not Tibetan, the core concepts are much the same.

I do try to balance it all out. I do not wish to accumulate more negative karma so I seek to be mindful of my thoughts, speech, and actions.(And I lose trackl, and I seek mindfulness again, and then I lose it a bit more...) Of course I share that with my children. Absolutely. But, no I can't choose their path for them. I suppose you could say that I shape it and act as a guide. Just someone who happens to have some notes after being around for a few years...
post #49 of 51
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post #50 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
What about grown up 'toys'? Computers, cars, ipods, and other things that harm the earth in their creation & non-biodegradeability, and very often have the same questionable human rights issues, yet we don't deny ourselves these things. We are quite quick to disrespect our kids desires, however. A car, even a hybrid, or a computer that keeps needing 'upgrades' is doing far more damage to the earth than any one child's 'junk toy'.
But my husband and I do, frequently. We have cars, yes, we need them, but we buy 99% of our clothes second hand and the rest are shoes made in the US and some things from CafePress that are sweatshop free. We will deny ourselves much for these human rights and environmental reasons. My MP3 player is second hand, as is my laptop.
post #51 of 51
I will let them buy/buythem ( and DH and I ) things second hand that I would nev er buy new, becuase there are companies I just don't want to support.
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