Why does he do this and what should I do?

[MissSJ]

My oldest son is almost 3 and my youngest son is about 16 months. My oldest is constantly taking things from my youngest. Many times it is because he wants what his little brother has but sometimes he takes from his little brother to place the item in an area where DS2 can't get it. Why does he take if he doesn't even want the toy? If you had a child that was a toy taker how did you deal with it? This is really starting to drive me crazy, it is getting to the point where DS2 can't even play unless DS1 isn't around. Please help me...

SJ

[BonMaman]

The grass sometimes looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't it? I think it's pretty normal for kids -- especially little ones -- to covet what other kids are playing with, even if the toys in dispute were previously unappealing. My 28mo lad sometimes takes toys that his 7mo brother is playing with, but he's pretty good about offering another toy to DS2 to play with instead. Still, his taking the original toy is not OK. We try to reinforce the idea that DS2 was taking a turn, and DS1 can have a turn when he's finished, but it's not easy. We also do this in reverse, so when DS2 is interested in what DS1 has, we tell him "DS1 is taking a turn, and you can have one when he's finished" (provided, of course, that the toy is safe for the littler lad).

Frustrating, I know...

[CalBearMama]

I only have one kid, so I have no expertise in this area whatsoever. But I wonder whether your older son feels like he has to protect "his" toys from his younger brother. Maybe he worries that they will get broken or damaged, or even just that his little brother won't play with them "properly." (I know my son flips out a bit when someone does something counter to the rules he has made up about how things are supposed to be.)

Do they share all toys? Are all of the toys that your younger son plays with hand-me-downs, so that your older son might still view them as his and feel protective/proprietary about them? Maybe it would be worth picking out those toys that are most age-appropriate for your younger son, and discussing with your older son that he is now passing those particular toys along, so that his brother can enjoy them as much as he did when he was little. Maybe your older son could even wrap them up or formally give them to his brother in some way, so that he feels invested in his brother having them and being able to use them. I don't know, just talking out my you-know-what, but I thought it was interesting that your older son wasn't necessarily taking things away because he wanted to play with them himself.

[mnpetnurse]

parallel universe?

Wow, you are describing life in MY house with my 3.5 y dd and 14 m dd!!

I chalk it up to jealousy and the fact that the 3.5 yo does it because she CAN. This is the power she has and can express. Clearly I need to do a better job so that she feels she has other ways to express her sense of power (over the little one).

We talk to her about 2 things (over and over and over and over again).

1) dd2 is taking her turn, when she is done, you can have a turn. When it is clear that she is too impatient/too impulsive to deal with that idea then we just start right out with #2 instead

2) "trade"...give your sister something in trade. Since she is 14 mos. she often doesn't care WHAT it is, as long as it is halfway interesting.

The "trade" game seems to be the one that is really sinking in; dd1 actually has spontaneously traded with dd1 in the past couple weeks. She usually picks something she couldn't care less about (in her eyes "crappy" or undesirable), but dd2 usually finds it acceptable.

hope this helps mama!

[SAHM42]

I would not let him play with toys if he cant share. That is what I did with dd.
She would rather share as to do without

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by mnpetnurse

Wow, you are describing life in MY house with my 3.5 y dd and 14 m dd!!

I chalk it up to jealousy and the fact that the 3.5 yo does it because she CAN. This is the power she has and can express. Clearly I need to do a better job so that she feels she has other ways to express her sense of power (over the little one).

We talk to her about 2 things (over and over and over and over again).

1) dd2 is taking her turn, when she is done, you can have a turn. When it is clear that she is too impatient/too impulsive to deal with that idea then we just start right out with #2 instead

2) "trade"...give your sister something in trade. Since she is 14 mos. she often doesn't care WHAT it is, as long as it is halfway interesting.

The "trade" game seems to be the one that is really sinking in; dd1 actually has spontaneously traded with dd1 in the past couple weeks. She usually picks something she couldn't care less about (in her eyes "crappy" or undesirable), but dd2 usually finds it acceptable.

hope this helps mama!

We did the "trade" game when DS2 was younger, before he was 9 mo he was ok with it but since then (he is now 16 mo) he wants no part of it. To be honest I wish we never started that because how is it fair to DS1 that dh taught him to do it and now it isn't ok. Thanks for the suggestions though!

SJ

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by SAHM42

I would not let him play with toys if he cant share. That is what I did with dd.
She would rather share as to do without

Thanks for the suggestion but this wouldn't work in my home. There is no way I could put away all the toys since then it would be like I am punishing both children. Besides, if there are no toys they would both find other things around the house to amuse themselves and my oldest would be taking whatever that is from my youngest.

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by CalBearMama

I only have one kid, so I have no expertise in this area whatsoever. But I wonder whether your older son feels like he has to protect "his" toys from his younger brother. Maybe he worries that they will get broken or damaged, or even just that his little brother won't play with them "properly." (I know my son flips out a bit when someone does something counter to the rules he has made up about how things are supposed to be.)

Do they share all toys? Are all of the toys that your younger son plays with hand-me-downs, so that your older son might still view them as his and feel protective/proprietary about them? Maybe it would be worth picking out those toys that are most age-appropriate for your younger son, and discussing with your older son that he is now passing those particular toys along, so that his brother can enjoy them as much as he did when he was little. Maybe your older son could even wrap them up or formally give them to his brother in some way, so that he feels invested in his brother having them and being able to use them. I don't know, just talking out my you-know-what, but I thought it was interesting that your older son wasn't necessarily taking things away because he wanted to play with them himself.

This is a really great idea!! I would totally use it if DS2 was amused by baby toys. It is crazy, he was into rattles/teethers when he was really small but he went directly to the big kid toys. It is cute yet exhausting how he wants to be just like his big brother and I am sure that is part of the problem. We don't really have any toys that are specific to one child and I guess we just expect them to share everything. How do you draw a fine line between toys and who gets to play with what? Unless it is dangerous of course!

SJ

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by BonMaman

The grass sometimes looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't it? I think it's pretty normal for kids -- especially little ones -- to covet what other kids are playing with, even if the toys in dispute were previously unappealing. My 28mo lad sometimes takes toys that his 7mo brother is playing with, but he's pretty good about offering another toy to DS2 to play with instead. Still, his taking the original toy is not OK. We try to reinforce the idea that DS2 was taking a turn, and DS1 can have a turn when he's finished, but it's not easy. We also do this in reverse, so when DS2 is interested in what DS1 has, we tell him "DS1 is taking a turn, and you can have one when he's finished" (provided, of course, that the toy is safe for the littler lad).

Frustrating, I know...

We try this too but it doesn't do anything. Maybe this is just something that you just have to be patient, repeat yourself a gazillion times and wait for it to pass. Um, we've been waiting and trying to be patient for almost a year now...