Am I overthinking this? emotional manipulation?

[highdesertmama]

Hi Mamas,

I have a question about something my dh has been doing a lot lately, and he doesn't mean any harm by it, but I know if I say something his feelings will be hurt... so I wanted to see what the wise mamas here think first before I said something.

He will often ask dd for something silly, like a kiss or a hug, or to share a toy or snack and she will respond "No!" (of course, because that's her favorite word ) He will then launch into a dramatic pretend crying fit and usually she will give him whatever it is he asked for to make him smile again. For whatever reason it bothers me, it just seems manipulative. Am I overreacting here? If not, how would you address it?

To give you some background, my dh is in the military and returned from a yearlong deployment in August. I try not to correct him too much because he often feels like he is just getting the hang of being the parent of a toddler. He is a wonderful daddy in so many ways, this has just been getting to me lately. Thoughts?

[Calidris]

Occasionally it's OK, but you should point out to him, that he is training her to do the same thing - and expect the same result - crying gets you what you want. It might be funny now, but when she is doing that at 3 it will be annoying

[Fuamami]

Hmm. Do you think she might be a little bit more aware of the game that you're giving her credit for? Does it seem like she kind of thinks it's funny for him to pretend to cry? Maybe she likes that reaction?

I would personally hesitate to get too involved, in fact I really strive to not get involved in my dh's and children's relationships. Though I don't always succeed. It just seems like you might be right about your misgivings about saying something.

[DevaMajka]

Is it a game to him? Or is he truly trying to get her to hug him? Do you think your dd is aware that it's play?
If it's a game, I'd let it be.
But if it's truly manipulative (ie, dh's feelings would be hurt if she refused to hug him), I'd try to find a very gentle way of letting him know.

My MIL does the same thing. Only hers is truly manipulative. She really wants ds to give her a hug, and I know it would/does bother her if he didn't.
I don't like it AT ALL. Because she makes it sound like ds's only options are to hug her and she's happy, or not hug her and she's sad. Usually it's before bed, and I usher him upstairs as soon as I can tell he doesn't want to hug.

[highdesertmama]

Thank you so much for your replies!

Originally Posted by Calidris

Occasionally it's OK, but you should point out to him, that he is training her to do the same thing - and expect the same result - crying gets you what you want. It might be funny now, but when she is doing that at 3 it will be annoying

Oh boy, I hadn't thought of that aspect! Putting it that way might be the right way to frame it so he would not take offense.

Originally Posted by natensarah

Hmm. Do you think she might be a little bit more aware of the game that you're giving her credit for? Does it seem like she kind of thinks it's funny for him to pretend to cry? Maybe she likes that reaction?

I would personally hesitate to get too involved, in fact I really strive to not get involved in my dh's and children's relationships. Though I don't always succeed. It just seems like you might be right about your misgivings about saying something.

The first few times she was really taken aback, but now she seems to think it's silly, she doesn't laugh, but will often smile.

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

Is it a game to him? Or is he truly trying to get her to hug him? Do you think your dd is aware that it's play?
If it's a game, I'd let it be.
But if it's truly manipulative (ie, dh's feelings would be hurt if she refused to hug him), I'd try to find a very gentle way of letting him know.

My MIL does the same thing. Only hers is truly manipulative. She really wants ds to give her a hug, and I know it would/does bother her if he didn't.
I don't like it AT ALL. Because she makes it sound like ds's only options are to hug her and she's happy, or not hug her and she's sad. Usually it's before bed, and I usher him upstairs as soon as I can tell he doesn't want to hug.

I think dd is aware it's play, I'm pretty sure my DH thinks it's a game. If she won't give him whatever he wants after a minute or so he'll say "Fine," and quit "crying" and go back to doing something else. I'm sorry that your MIL acts that way. Maybe that's why I've been feeling like this, because I don't want dd thinking that her actions are responsible for someone's happiness... I spent a long time in my life trying to make people "happy" and I don't want dd to have that, too.

I guess I'll probably leave it be at least for now, I want to really watch the interaction again. You all have given me some great things to think about, I really appreciate it!

[MommaGreenBean]

Originally Posted by highdesertmama

Maybe that's why I've been feeling like this, because I don't want dd thinking that her actions are responsible for someone's happiness... I spent a long time in my life trying to make people "happy" and I don't want dd to have that, too.

Very smart. That's what I was thinking, I just couldn't word it right. That kind of 'game' would bother me, but not enough to say something to DH, I think, I just personally wouldn't do that. I never really liked exaggerating my feelings to 'show' a child what they did, some parents that I'd babysit for would ask me to "Oh, look, Cara is so sad, you didn't share your toys, she's going to cry" and it always felt off to me. But if it was my DH doing it, and she understood it was a little game, I guess I'd let it go...

Cara