This is a great discussion, and it's really helping me mentally organize the birth events. DH and I see a marriage counselor weekly, so I am going to discuss the birth at our next meeting.
I'm not sure that this birth was an abnormally painful one. But I can now recognize that there were a few things that threw me off.
Some details for people who don't know me - this was my second birth. I had an epidural for my first, who was born before I found MDC. Both of my births were in the hospital, first with OB, second with CNM and doula. The labor was only about 4 hours. We had already decided not to have more children during this pregnancy, so it isn't just because of the birth. But I don't want fear of pain to be the reason for no more children.
The things that threw me off are: my water breaking with no labor for 16 hours despite nipple stim, walking, bath, rest, chores. Of all the things I had researched, I hadn't educated myself about this situation, so I went to the hospital for pitocin. We were planning a hospital birth anyway, so I thought, OK, this is just a little wrinkle in plans. I had wanted to labor at home for most of the labor.
But after my water broke, DH completely freaked and tried to bully me into going to the hospital immediately. He was very mean to me and I got angry. Definitely not the mood that will start labor. DH did not want to permit me to listen to my own body.
At the hospital, I actually handled the whole pitocin labor really well IMO. It HURT, but I was staying on top of it, vocalizing, holding my doula's hands, relaxing, listening to music.
I pushed buck naked while hanging over the squat bar. Now I know I wasn't quite in the right position. I was too upright, I should have leaned forward more. It felt like the baby was trying to rip out of my butt. If I had leaned forward, gravity would have angled him more towards the birth canal. At the time I didn't realize the positional thing. All I could think of was the searing pain of the baby trying to rip out of my butt. I needed and wanted someone to apply strong counter pressure against my butt, but I was beyond the ability to speak. I reached down to my crotch myself, but I couldn't reach the back of my butt. My midwife thought I was trying to touch the baby's head, and encouraged me to do so. So I felt the top of his just-about-to-crown head.
I noticed that there was a strange woman in the room. It took me a few moments to realize it was the baby nurse. I thought to myself, 'I wish I knew her name at least.'
At some point, while I was hanging naked from the squat bar and screaming, a strange man opened my room door and I could hear him talking in the doorway. I couldn't see because the curtain was pulled, but it was still disturbing and invaded my privacy. I knew the whole floor could hear me screaming. I didn't really care who heard me birthing, but the thought crossed my mind. Another thought that crossed my mind was that maybe it was a father-to-be from another room that wanted me to be quiet. Later I would find out that it was a doctor talking to one of the nurses in my room.
My left leg got all tingley from squatting so the midwife and the nurse made me lay down on my back. This is when the baby went into distress I think, but at the time, I had no idea there was anything wrong.
Once on my back, everyone was screaming at me to push and the midwife and nurse were trying to force me to grab my legs behind the knees, trying to force my legs way up and apart in the classic lithotomy position birth. I was fighting them on everything, yelling, "NO!" and screaming. I intended to birth on my own time, in peace. I was irritated that everyone seemed to have forgotten the birth plan. I can't remember if I actually got into that position or if I left my feet on the bed.
Ever since I began pushing, the midwife had been doing 'perineal massage'. Basically, it's fingers stretching my vagina apart, and I hated it. Once I got to my back she really increased the force of this. It HURT!!! I wanted her to stop so bad, but I was beyond speaking. I finally figured out how to scream, "STOP IT!!!!" But she said that she had to. So I just screamed in anger and had to push with the oncoming contraction.
Then the baby was being born, and everyone was all "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH!!!" And I'm thinking, "Shut up, people!" But I just had to keep pushing, even when I wasn't contracting. Finally the head was out, and I thought, "Thank God, I get a break!" But everyone was still yelling to push and the midwife told me to push, so I had to keep pushing without a break and the shoulders came out and it was sooooo painful, and I think that's when I tore down my old scar.
The midwife said, "Reach down, and pick up your baby," so I did. I blindly grabbed him around his chest and pulled him up and the rest of his body was born, and I was surprised because I thought he was already out. He came out screaming and was just fine. I plopped him on my belly and opened my eyes to see his beautiful new eyes looking at me. Everyone pretty much left us alone then. I dried him off and rubbed him and wiped the fluids from his nose and mouth with the towel, and he continued to cry.
So that was the end of the horror. Baby and I stayed naked together for an hour, he breastfed. The nurses weren't allowed to touch him, since we opted out of all newborn procedures, even suctioning.
Now I know that after the head popped out, the knot in the cord around his neck was visible, so that's why the midwife made me push so hard right away with no break.
The thing that hurt emotionally was how during the birth everyone was pushing me around. I fully intended to birth listening to my own body, and I wasn't allowed to. Now I understand why, the baby being in distress and needing to be born quickly. But at the time, I just felt disrespected. I KNEW I could listen to my own body, but they didn't let me.
This is too long, I'll stop now.
ETA: Also I ended up with a bruised tailbone and a sore throat.
I'm not sure that this birth was an abnormally painful one. But I can now recognize that there were a few things that threw me off.
Some details for people who don't know me - this was my second birth. I had an epidural for my first, who was born before I found MDC. Both of my births were in the hospital, first with OB, second with CNM and doula. The labor was only about 4 hours. We had already decided not to have more children during this pregnancy, so it isn't just because of the birth. But I don't want fear of pain to be the reason for no more children.
The things that threw me off are: my water breaking with no labor for 16 hours despite nipple stim, walking, bath, rest, chores. Of all the things I had researched, I hadn't educated myself about this situation, so I went to the hospital for pitocin. We were planning a hospital birth anyway, so I thought, OK, this is just a little wrinkle in plans. I had wanted to labor at home for most of the labor.
But after my water broke, DH completely freaked and tried to bully me into going to the hospital immediately. He was very mean to me and I got angry. Definitely not the mood that will start labor. DH did not want to permit me to listen to my own body.
At the hospital, I actually handled the whole pitocin labor really well IMO. It HURT, but I was staying on top of it, vocalizing, holding my doula's hands, relaxing, listening to music.
I pushed buck naked while hanging over the squat bar. Now I know I wasn't quite in the right position. I was too upright, I should have leaned forward more. It felt like the baby was trying to rip out of my butt. If I had leaned forward, gravity would have angled him more towards the birth canal. At the time I didn't realize the positional thing. All I could think of was the searing pain of the baby trying to rip out of my butt. I needed and wanted someone to apply strong counter pressure against my butt, but I was beyond the ability to speak. I reached down to my crotch myself, but I couldn't reach the back of my butt. My midwife thought I was trying to touch the baby's head, and encouraged me to do so. So I felt the top of his just-about-to-crown head.
I noticed that there was a strange woman in the room. It took me a few moments to realize it was the baby nurse. I thought to myself, 'I wish I knew her name at least.'
At some point, while I was hanging naked from the squat bar and screaming, a strange man opened my room door and I could hear him talking in the doorway. I couldn't see because the curtain was pulled, but it was still disturbing and invaded my privacy. I knew the whole floor could hear me screaming. I didn't really care who heard me birthing, but the thought crossed my mind. Another thought that crossed my mind was that maybe it was a father-to-be from another room that wanted me to be quiet. Later I would find out that it was a doctor talking to one of the nurses in my room.
My left leg got all tingley from squatting so the midwife and the nurse made me lay down on my back. This is when the baby went into distress I think, but at the time, I had no idea there was anything wrong.
Once on my back, everyone was screaming at me to push and the midwife and nurse were trying to force me to grab my legs behind the knees, trying to force my legs way up and apart in the classic lithotomy position birth. I was fighting them on everything, yelling, "NO!" and screaming. I intended to birth on my own time, in peace. I was irritated that everyone seemed to have forgotten the birth plan. I can't remember if I actually got into that position or if I left my feet on the bed.
Ever since I began pushing, the midwife had been doing 'perineal massage'. Basically, it's fingers stretching my vagina apart, and I hated it. Once I got to my back she really increased the force of this. It HURT!!! I wanted her to stop so bad, but I was beyond speaking. I finally figured out how to scream, "STOP IT!!!!" But she said that she had to. So I just screamed in anger and had to push with the oncoming contraction.
Then the baby was being born, and everyone was all "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH!!!" And I'm thinking, "Shut up, people!" But I just had to keep pushing, even when I wasn't contracting. Finally the head was out, and I thought, "Thank God, I get a break!" But everyone was still yelling to push and the midwife told me to push, so I had to keep pushing without a break and the shoulders came out and it was sooooo painful, and I think that's when I tore down my old scar.
The midwife said, "Reach down, and pick up your baby," so I did. I blindly grabbed him around his chest and pulled him up and the rest of his body was born, and I was surprised because I thought he was already out. He came out screaming and was just fine. I plopped him on my belly and opened my eyes to see his beautiful new eyes looking at me. Everyone pretty much left us alone then. I dried him off and rubbed him and wiped the fluids from his nose and mouth with the towel, and he continued to cry.
So that was the end of the horror. Baby and I stayed naked together for an hour, he breastfed. The nurses weren't allowed to touch him, since we opted out of all newborn procedures, even suctioning.
Now I know that after the head popped out, the knot in the cord around his neck was visible, so that's why the midwife made me push so hard right away with no break.
The thing that hurt emotionally was how during the birth everyone was pushing me around. I fully intended to birth listening to my own body, and I wasn't allowed to. Now I understand why, the baby being in distress and needing to be born quickly. But at the time, I just felt disrespected. I KNEW I could listen to my own body, but they didn't let me.
This is too long, I'll stop now.
ETA: Also I ended up with a bruised tailbone and a sore throat.
: I hope with time you are able to sort through all those feelings, but the last thing you need is to blame yourself. You did amazing given the circumstances.
