What to do about toddler yelling?

[berkeleyp]

I share a home with my dh, dd, my mother, and brother.

Lately, my dd has been more lively shall we say, especially around dinner time when everyone gets home and I am often busy making dinner and cleaning the kitchen. Sometimes it is bad and she is hitting or slamming the cabinets. Other times, she is content playing in the next room but is being very loud. Her loud playing doesn't really bother me that much, i just ignore it but my mother thinks it is totally unacceptable while we are eating. She thinks that me and dh are way too lenient because we don't put her in "time-out" every time she misbehaves. I was never hit as a child but I am realizing that my mom disciplined us with time-outs or losing privileges in order to make us mind in a very strict manner.

I don't feel like my dd should do whatever I say just because I said so because she is afraid of the consequences. She is not used to being in time-out as i have rarely done that. She has generally not been out of control at all and has been easy to discipline. Now she is 2.5 and presenting more difficult discipline challenges. She is definitely more spirited lately and also more defiant. I have been struggling with appropriate ways to help her act appropriately. I don't feel like time out is the way to go especially for all things.

I do not let her hurt me or others and will hold her or separate her with a gate if necessary for a few minutes to make sure she understands that hitting will not be tolerated. But when she is yelling in the next room - what can I do? What is the natural/logical consequence? If it was just us, I probably wouldn't do anything as I think it is normal, non-harmful behavior. But my mother is really bothered by it and then lays it on me about letting dd be out of control. I need some kind of solution - any thoughts?

[Shaki]

Hmmmm. That's a tough one, it's very difficult to parent effectively when you're mom is back seat driving (Oh, have I been there!). Sounds like there are 2 issues; 1, your DD's noisemaking and 2, your Mom's agenda. If it's possible to find a way to tell your mom to back off then give that a shot. IF it's more trouble than it's worth, tune your mom out and just focus on your DD. Another move that I've found to be very effective when dealing not only with some kind of discipline issue with my DD (a few months younger than yours) AND some well-meaning but it's-not-their-place back seat driver, is to simply remove both myself and DD from the room until DD is calm again. If anyone follows us I say "We need some privacy please" end of story.

My Mom and I have actually gotten into some fights over issues like this. She lives next door, is very involved in DD's life (in a postive way), and has (shall we say) CONTROLLING tendencies. Luckily our relationship, is strong enough to weather those types of storms and for the most part she's quite supportive of the way I parent.

Sorry, kinda got sidetracked there.

Anyway I'd suggest that when your DD is playing loudly you could try a couple of things. First if your Mom gives you flack about it but you don't have a problem with it you could just say. "I disagree with you that this is a discipline issue. I think it's normal and ok for a 2 year old to want to make some noise. But if the issue is actually that you'd like some quiet maybe we can find a way to solve that together." Who knows something fruitful might come from that. Another thing would be to whisper to your DD and try to get her to match your volume level, like a game. Another would be to simply talk with your DD about how Grandma needs some quiet and find something quiet that you two or your DD and Grandma could do together. My final suggestion would be to find a way to get DD involved in helping with the meal.

For the dinner table noise. If it's really an issue that needs to be addressed, you could have a "Time In" with your DD away from the group, you could all make a game of talking as quietly as possible during the meal, or find some other way to make her feel a part of the group.

Good Luck! This is hard stuff and it's even harder when you feel like others are watching and judging what you're doing.

[hakeber]

I can understand this alot. My ds is 2.5 and gets really loud and disruptive JUST when I need some peace and quiet...it's like he has a sixth sense for it. :

Usually what I do it I get right down to his level and I say "Ben want to yell. ben want loud loud LOUD!! Ben want to yell yell yell." (usually until he quiets down and looks at me) then I say " Mommy need ssshhhhhhh, mommy's head hurt hurt hurt...ouch! when Ben yell mommy says OUCH!Ouch ouch ouch! (while miming a sore head) please... mommy ask PLEASE no yelling now!"

This usually works long enough for me to muster my strength back up, and sometimes he even kisses my forehead and says sorry, which really makes you feel better anyway, doesn't it?

Another thing I do, espiecially while I'm cooking is I set up a corner of the counter for him and let him stand next to me on a chair with cups and big tub of water and he plays and measures and splashes and makes happy noises because he feels like he's helping, especially if I let him add stuff to the dinner. (this is recent just since he was like 2 and 5 months or so) This usually pre-empts him being loud because he doesn't need to grab my attention.

During dinner Ben has to sit with us and eat with us for at least fifteen minutes...sometimes he gets loud, but he sits well. Then we let him out and let him run wild. We figure fifteeen to twenty minutes of quiet dinner is pretty good, especially since we are new to the concept of a sit down family "dinner time" and are in training, because soon (like three months) we are moving in with dh's parents and they are very regimented.

We hope to work our way up to a full thirty minutes by January.

Ben is a loud kid, anyway, and I usually love to dance and sing and shout with him, but having an inside voice (as my great gran used to say) is an important life skill, isn't it?

I am really nervous about having a second mom around to judge my every move...I pre-emptively empathize with you.