Babysitter teaching 17 MO to smack!

[Farore]

We have been very firm about not using corporal punishment with our 17 month old son, and everyone involved in his care has backed us up on it. The babysitter is great with saying that we're the parents and she will follow our wishes. She has asked if she can give him "just a tap," which I refused, and she has cooperated.

--However--

She has now started to smack her own child, who is about 9 months old. My son sees this and thinks that he can do it too. He has started smacking not only her child, but also the babysitter, me, DH, and whoever else he can get his hands on. He says "NO" and smacks me, then looks at me and smiles like he is proud of himself. I take hold of his hand, look him firmly in the eye, and tell him that we don't smack, but that doesn't seem to be working long-term.

I really like this sitter overall, and her willingness to abide by my wishes, but I'm not sure how to counteract the example he's seeing. Any suggestions?

[glowan1]

Wow.

Actions speak louder than words. The only advice I have to counter-act what your son is learning by observing the baby sitter, is that they may not be anything you can do to counter-act what he is seeing. You may need to remove the example (baby sitter). Hmmm. Tough.

Smacking a 9 month old? For what? Drooling?

Good luck!

[peacelovingmama]

Honestly, I'd be looking for a new sitter. We don't like our kids to witness violence and it is especially disrurbing that the victim is an infant.:

[alegna]

That is not acceptable. I'd fire her and find a new sitter.

-Angela

[meesa143]

What would you ever need to "smack" a 9 month old for?! I would definitely talk to your babysitter. That wouldn't fly with me either.

[tropicaldutchtulip]

: That would not fly with me either! : If my babysitter/nanny was starting "smack" her 9 month old I would have a huge problem with that. Even though she was abiding by my rules set for my child, still that is not something that I would want my child exposed too. And obviously it's causing some issues since your 17 month old has picked up on it. I know how hard it is to find a good babysitter/nanny, but I would have to look for another one IMO.

[Farore]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

You are all right, I do need to remove the sitter from the situation. She is smacking the baby for things like messing with power outlets and the like (he's just now mobile, so the smacking begins). It never occurred to me to ask how she disciplined her own kids, since she was very big on the "you're the parent, I'll follow your wishes" mentality.

Sadly, she is one of the best child care solutions we've had--and really, she's pretty good overall. When it comes down to it, no one will raise my kids the way I would except for me. If anything, you've encouraged me to do what I should have been doing all along--looking harder for a way to quit work so I can be home with them.

[rmzbm]

I wouldn't tolerate that, another voice saying fire her.

[hakeber]

not to sound like an echo, but I would fire her and tell her why.

Oh...OR tell her she's needs to stop hitting her child, and tell her why, and tell her that her employment is dependant on that fact.

[ktbug]

I'd totally fire her, and tell her why, but I did want to chime in with this - we don't hit, we don't hit each other, we don't hit anything, but 14mo ds has lately begun to take great pleasure in smacking the crap out of us. Not just with his hands. I'm just saying, yeah, your kid did get the behavior modeled to him, but I'm under the impression that toddlers smack. (don't jump all over me, I'm sure everyone else's adorable little tyke doesn't have a mean bone in their body and cries when they see other little kids smacking things ... I'm sure there are toddlers out there that DON'T, but I'm saying it's pretty age-appropriate).

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by ktbug

I'd totally fire her, and tell her why, but I did want to chime in with this - we don't hit, we don't hit each other, we don't hit anything, but 14mo ds has lately begun to take great pleasure in smacking the crap out of us. Not just with his hands. I'm just saying, yeah, your kid did get the behavior modeled to him, but I'm under the impression that toddlers smack. (don't jump all over me, I'm sure everyone else's adorable little tyke doesn't have a mean bone in their body and cries when they see other little kids smacking things ... I'm sure there are toddlers out there that DON'T, but I'm saying it's pretty age-appropriate).

That is true...ds did the same thing I swear he NEVER had that behavior modeled to him....we live a very isolated life.

[BunnySlippers]

Even if her son is smaking because it is a toddler thing to do, would you want your child witnessing an adult hitting a baby on a regular basis?

I sure would not. Find another sitter, or convince her to stop hitting her child.

[peacelovingmama]

Originally Posted by ktbug

I'd totally fire her, and tell her why, but I did want to chime in with this - we don't hit, we don't hit each other, we don't hit anything, but 14mo ds has lately begun to take great pleasure in smacking the crap out of us. Not just with his hands. I'm just saying, yeah, your kid did get the behavior modeled to him, but I'm under the impression that toddlers smack. (don't jump all over me, I'm sure everyone else's adorable little tyke doesn't have a mean bone in their body and cries when they see other little kids smacking things ... I'm sure there are toddlers out there that DON'T, but I'm saying it's pretty age-appropriate).

Nope, no adorable-little-tyke who never went through a hitting phase here! We never modeled hitting either but DS went through a hitting phase.

But I (like you) would also fire her because who wants to expose her child to an adult stuck in a toddler developmental phase? Hitting phases are normal for children and hitting is something we can teach our children not to do but I would think that exposing the child to an adult modeling a childlike behavior would make that lesson very confusing and hard to learn.

[rockchick22]

Get rid of that sitter immediately!!!! i feel bad for her son!!! 9 months old!! they dont even really do anything!!

[dawncayden]

Have you talked to her about it? Has she seen what her 'disapline' has caused?

[Fuamami]

If you really like her, could you try talking her out of it? She must have other methods of dealing with things, right? She must have come up with something for YOUR son, why can't she use those same techniques with her own?

[jempd]

I really have to chime in with the posters who said they would fire her. I know that advice from someone on a board is not the same from someone who really knows you and your situation thoroughly, and that there may be and probably are many things that factor into such a decision for you, but if I were you I would at least look into who else is available for the job because the dealbreaker to me, is, I would not hire for child care anyone who would hit, "tap", or in anyway use force with a 9 month old. That I think is a red flag, truly alarming. And whether or not she ever does it to your son is beside the point; what she's modeling is not what you want him to learn and that is the main way kids this age learn. I would try to get someone who you don't have to teach but is more aligned to your way of child raising anyway, if at all possible. If not possible I would make it very clear to her just how reprehensible it is to you.

[mamazee]

I'd fire her too. Your son will learn from what she does, even if she doesn't do it to him.

[Oana]

I am sorry, but if she has the "hand-raising reflex" and has no problem using it on her own infant, I would not be able to trust that she does not "tap" the other child in her care.
Plus, even if she is not, obviously your kid is learning hitting by example anyway. Or maybe he is learning it with a twist: we only hit the smallest, most defenseless ones. This would be a good enough reason for me to let her go.

Good luck,
Oana

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by glowan1

Smacking a 9 month old? For what? Drooling?

Yeah, what? That's awful. I think I'd have to get rid of her on general principle.