Delayed reaction to birth trauma?

[limabean]

I have a beautiful 3yo boy and am almost 4 months pregnant with my second child. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy that's making me relive my DS's birth or what, but I've been thinking about it so much lately, and have started to realize that I was traumatized by some of the things that happened (tons of intervention because the hospital staff was insistent on me delivering within 24 hours of my water breaking -- pitocin, epidural "in case we have to do a c/s," internal monitors, urinary catheter, amnio infusion, episiotomy, vacuum extraction, and most of all a nurse who continually shoved her hands and other instruments inside me without so much as a word to me about what she was doing, what to expect, etc.)

I've always described the experience as having felt powerless, passive, unheard, etc., but in the past I've felt that all that negativity was more than cancelled out by my amazing boy. And of course I still feel that way, but suddenly I just have this feeling of, "Hey! I actually wasn't okay with a lot of the things that happened." I think part of it is that I'm scared that those things are going to happen again with this birth. I'll definitely be more proactive and more of a self-advocate this time, but I'm wondering if this delayed reaction has happened to any other mamas out there, and how you got through it.

[JanetF]

The delayed reaction, whether by months or years, is very common. It does make the next pregnancy more complicated in terms of the processing work that will help you move through this gracefully and birth your next child without fear or distress. Most of us have no support, and less encouragement, to debrief from our births and this is a large contributing factor IME in why some women don't realise they're carrying this load, or at least the full extent of it, until another pregnancy comes along. No gift, however amazing, can cancel out the trauma involved because the gift and the trauma are separate. one can adore one's child and yet totally deplore the manner in which they came earthside.
Try these for some healing and information and get onto that debriefing. "Birthing from within" can be helpful in this situation, as can changing your model of care to reflect what you really want from your birth.
http://www.joyousbirth.info/birthtrauma.html

I wish you well and I'm happy to email or PM if you'd like I still have PTSD from my 4 year old's birth and have had a great birth in the meantime.

[KariM]

I had a delayed reaction with both DS's coerced induction which led to a c-section and DD's homebirth. In the case of DD's it actually came back as delayed onset PTSD.

In both cases I felt upset afterward, but rationalized it and then buried it. It didn't surface again until the next pregnancy.

For me the process has involved finding other mamas who experienced similar situations and realizing I'm not alone. I've also done a lot of work determining how I can exercise more control and what I can do to prevent a similar situation.

It also helps a bit that the midwife I've chosen for this baby's birth has a very different style and approach and is far less autocratic than the midwife we used in DD's birth. She's already agreed to not do anything without first explaining the reasoning and then getting crystal clear permission from me. She doesn't even touch me to check the baby's heartbeat without asking permission. How's that for respect and consideration? :

I still have panic attacks and have major trust issues that I fear will never go away, but it's slowly getting easier to live with.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I definitely think the delayed reaction is normal. Probably more common than an immediately reaction. I have seen women who have started to come to terms with a traumatic experience be accused of "changing their stories" and things like that, because at first they weren't so traumatized. I think that really, that delayed reaction is probably biologically designed. We need to be able to set aside birth trauma so we can love on our new babies. As that newborn glow fades, we can face the things that happened at our births.

It probably took me 6 months to start to feel anger about some of the things that happened at my 1st birth.

[MsBlack]

Denial seems to be a pro-health mechanism for humans...there is only so much we can deal with at once, and processing our most difficult experiences takes time. It is not unusual at all for the first part of that processing to take place internally, without our conscious attention/awareness, things need to percolate down through our layers. And of course, a new baby does tend to take up a lot of our psychic as well as physical space and time.

Also, pregnancy seems to me to be a time--in general--of opportunity for accelerated personal growth, so to speak. We tend to be more sensitive emotionally, we tend to have more intense dreams that we more often remember...I think the hormones of pregnancy are designed (among other purposes) to prompt women to become stronger and more whole, to heal hurts and open the heart more. Often, this means the arising of memories and old issues for our attention and work. Not to mention that 'old stuff' is so often triggered by 'new stuff that is similar'--when we are putting ourselves upclose to the very things which were the source of that old pain, such as a new birth experience bringing the haunting of the last one.

So, no, it does not seem strange at all that only now do you begin to really feel and process your last birth. Welcome this, work with it, let it help you heal and grow.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

I have seen women who have started to come to terms with a traumatic experience be accused of "changing their stories" and things like that, because at first they weren't so traumatized.

I'm so glad you said this! I've been worrying about that, thinking that I can't mention these feelings to my IRL friends because they'll think I'm suddenly making stuff up (not that my friends would -- they're wonderful, caring people; I guess I'm just so confused about all of this). My mom, a former OB nurse, was present at my birth, and in the days and weeks afterward she referred to how traumatic it was a few times, and was so caring and kept asking if I was okay, and I always said, "Of course I am! Look at this beautiful boy I'm holding -- I don't care what it took to get him here!" and I truly meant it -- I thought she was blowing the situation out of proportion, and didn't understand why she thought it was so traumatic. Maybe I'll try talking to her about it -- she of all people will understand, I think, especially since she understood the trauma right from the beginning.

Thanks so much for all your responses -- it helps so much to know that I'm not alone. Janet, I actually stumbled across the site you mentioned yesterday when I was Googling this, and found it really helpful -- thank you so much.

[JanetF]

You're welcome I started it because of my traumatic birth so now there's a small and growing collection of resources on the net.

[momonthebeach]

I thought that my birth was great until I was pregnant again and preparing for another birth. If you had asked me in the 3 years between kids, I would have said that I loved my doctors and would have recommended them and the hospital to anyone.
During my pregnancy with ds2, I stumbled across hypnosis for birth (Hypbirth was the program I used) and that just opened up a whole new world for me. Pretty soon I was reading Henci Goer and Ina May. It wasn't until then that I realized that the ultrasounds I was getting at every appointment were not only unnessecary but possibly harmful. I noticed that the drs were in and out of the room in just a few minutes without even really noticing me. I thought back to some of the policies that everyone raves about with these drs (inductions for anyone who wants one after 39 weeks and not "letting" you go past 41 weeks). I realized that the episiotomy I had gotten after about 5 minutes of pushing (without fetal distress or my consent) probably had more to do with the fact that the dr was trying to hurry things along so my baby would be born on lunch break than any medical reason. Hospital policies also seemed silly to me (no eating, continuous monitering, etc).
I guess the point being that even with many less interventions, I can definately relate to the feelings of being powerless and unheard. For me, finding a midwife who cared about me instead of just getting another person in and out of the door was the turning point for me. I realized that just because my last birth had been that way doesn't mean that's just the way it is. I had a home birth about 1.5 years ago and am planning another soon. For me, taking control of things and asking for what I want has been wonderful for me. I feel like I have the power instead of being part of a big machine that you have to fight against. I know that home birth isn't for everyone, but for me it is the only way I would choose to birth.
I know that this isn't exactly what you were asking about but just wanted to let you know that even without a tramatic birth I didn't really process anything until my next pregnancy. It wasn't until I realized that there was another way to do things that I realized how bad the way I had done the first time was.
Katie

[limabean]

Thank you, Katie -- that's exactly how I'm feeling, and why I'm so confused. I keep thinking, "Come on, I haven't been bothered by this for 3 years -- it's a little silly to get upset over it now." But ... I can't help it! It bothers me. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

[momonthebeach]

I think that there are just so many feelings surrounding birth that it takes a long time to get through them all. I don't know about you, but critical thinking is not exactly at the top of my list with a newborn!!!
Now that I think about it, with my second birth, I was upset about it right afterwards. I consented to a VE when the midwives got to my house. My body felt like I was in transition. I was telling myself that I was almost done. The VE told me that I was at 4cm. I immediately started doing labor math (I have 6 more hours of this?!?) I spent the next 45 minutes trying to figure out how I was going to get the swimming pool from my bedroom to the hospital (1.5 hours away) to get some drugs. Then it was time to push. I wished afterwards that I had declined the VE and just listened to my body. I KNEW that I was almost done and that number just undermined me. I also had a pretty bad tear (fast pushing due to late-term decels...cord wrapped twice around neck and under each arm). I spent about 30-45 min being stitched. The pain from the local anesthetic seemed worse than the childbirth pain!! I thought that this ruined my birth. After all, I had done all this research and was supposed to have the "perfect" birth. I have been rereading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and have realized that even though things may have not been perfect, they were pretty great. I can't even imagine what people who plan for home births and end up with c-sections go through!! I was really mad about a tear!!
Once again, I'm kind of rambling but realized that after my first birth, I felt less powerful, in control, etc. Where after educating myself, having another birth and now processing it, I realized that I was more powerful, in control, etc than I originally thought. For this birth, I am trying not to focus on having the "perfect birth". Since this is my last birth, I will read Guide to Childbirth at some point after to remind myself how great everything was even if it didn't go exactly as planned. I hope that I'm making some sense, my feelings about it all are still complex and confusing!!
Katie

[JanetF]

Originally Posted by limabean

Thank you, Katie -- that's exactly how I'm feeling, and why I'm so confused. I keep thinking, "Come on, I haven't been bothered by this for 3 years -- it's a little silly to get upset over it now." But ... I can't help it! It bothers me. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

We don't choose our distress If I had a dollar for every person who told me my birthrape wasn't real, or it doesn't matter, or it's selfish to worry about how babies are born so long as they're "healthy" and the countless other ways people try to silence women who speak the truth about our maternity (s)care culture, I wouldn't be a homebirth advocate, I'd be a millionaire on a beach somewhere. Honest to goddess, if I could have lived the last 4 years without PTSD I damn well would NOT have chosen it! Just as birth is precious, and we only get one go at it, so are the feelings around it precious. Let them bubble up or flood out, honour them, nurture yourself, and above all learn how to change things for yourself so you can have a beautiful birth for your next baby because they deserve it.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by JanetF

Let them bubble up or flood out, honour them, nurture yourself, and above all learn how to change things for yourself so you can have a beautiful birth for your next baby because they deserve it.

Thank you. I had a really long conversation with a caring, insightful friend this weekend, and it felt good to process my feelings aloud with her. One thing that came up in our conversation is that I'm worried about putting all the pressure on this baby to have a "perfect" birth to make up for my first one, which is clearly misguided and unfair. I'm trying really hard to do my research, become an advocate for myself, and at the same time release any feelings that this birth has to "make up" for the previous one -- I want to let this birth stand alone and be whatever it's going to be, you know?

[pigpokey]

I had PTSD that started in before I was pregnant again, but was acute during the pregnancy when I was planning my second birth. I did a lot of careful planning to try to avoid being re-traumatized, and had a nice UC that was not traumatic at all.

[kettunainen]

Originally Posted by limabean

I've always described the experience as having felt powerless, passive, unheard, etc., but in the past I've felt that all that negativity was more than cancelled out by my amazing boy. And of course I still feel that way, but suddenly I just have this feeling of, "Hey! I actually wasn't okay with a lot of the things that happened."

That's EXACTLY what I'm going through now and my son's 13 months old. Just relived a memory this evening that had me crumpled on the floor sobbing and seething with rage. I'm really not ok with what happened to me. I looked up the symptoms of PTSD and, lo, voilà. Bingo.

I think part of it is that I'm scared that those things are going to happen again with this birth. I'll definitely be more proactive and more of a self-advocate this time, but I'm wondering if this delayed reaction has happened to any other mamas out there, and how you got through it.

One of the first things I wanted to do after having my son was to get pregnant and do it all over again, only right this time. Better. The way I had intended. The way nature intended. But that's unrealistic.

And being more proactive and self-advocating more? I fought SO HARD for the type of birth I wanted. I fought through my entire pregnancy and it still didn't happen. I fought as much as I could when I transferred to the hospital and it didn't help me get any closer to what I wanted, so I shut up and gave up and died a little inside. I was too tired to advocate any more than I did. I'm in the part of processing where I'm blaming others now. My birth partners seriously let me down.

I have no idea how to get through this except by feeling my way blindly, and picking myself back up again when I stumble and fall.

*hugs*

[limabean]

I just saw your post, kettunainen -- thank you so much for sharing your experience -- I'm sorry you had to go through that.

It's so interesting reading through this thread now that I've gone through my 2nd birth (a gorgeous daughter!! ). I had such high hopes for this one to go better than the last, and at first it seemed that it was going to -- I went into labor on my own this time, and was at 7cm within an hour of arriving at the hospital. I opted for an epidural at that point, and was at 10cm by the time the anesthesiologist was finished placing it. Up to that point, the nurses had been fantastic and respectful, and it was just a completely different experience than the first time.

I was so excited and ready to push. But then everything fell apart -- the baby's heartrate deceled, so the nurses decided to have me push in the OR just in case I ended up needing a c-section. The anesthesiologist misunderstood and pushed c-section drugs into my line, paralyzing me and making me unable to push at all. I was devastated, and FURIOUS. My placenta ended up abrupting in the OR, so I try to tell myself that a c-section probably would have been necessary anyway, but I can't stop thinking about that anesthesiologist's stupid mistake (it was his first day on the job at this hospital).

DD is only 4 months old, so I'm still processing all of this and haven't really come to terms with how I feel about it yet. I'm trying to focus on my DD rather than the birth experience, but I am terribly disappointed that both my kids have been dragged out of me (one with a vacuum and one via c-section) instead of pushed out. And we've always only wanted 2, so I'll never get to know that feeling, which is really really sad for me.

[Montana Mom]

Oh my, what a terrible experience. My heart goes out to you limabean.

[Montana Mom]

Yes yes yes. Delayed reaction is pretty normal. I'm sorry you are facing it being pregnant though =( That must be harder.

[knitted_in_the_wom]

Originally Posted by limabean

I have a beautiful 3yo boy and am almost 4 months pregnant with my second child. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy that's making me relive my DS's birth or what, but I've been thinking about it so much lately, and have started to realize that I was traumatized by some of the things that happened ....I've always described the experience as having felt powerless, passive, unheard, etc., but in the past I've felt that all that negativity was more than cancelled out by my amazing boy. ....

It is quite normal to have delayed reactions to trauma. I was abused as a child, and when I went through therapy after college, one of the things that my counselor told me was that I *might* have a relapse when my kids reached certain ages...ages that were particullarly difficult for me in my childhood. It hasn't happened to me, but my point is, this kind of thing is common enough that my counselor felt it was important to warn me to be aware of it and deal with it. Actually, I know one woman whose mother was orphaned when she was 6 or 7 years old. She said that her mother was a fabulous mom up until she was that age...and then her mother became distant and uninvolved. That was her mother reliving her own loss.

When it comes to birth...our society just does not allow women to feel anything but bright happy feelings after the birth of a healthy child. From what you describe, I think you have every right to feel exactly what you describe--powerless, passive, unheard... You need to discuss this with your partner, a close friend...someone. Then once you are feeling more in control of what you are feeling, you need to discuss it with your care provider. You need to know in advance that you will be able to have more control this time around. Even in a case where emergency interventions are needed, there is a way to do it that allows a woman to still be involved and part of the process...and a way to do it that strips her of power. You need to have confidence that your care provider will be sensitive to your needs--if your care provider isn't, then you need to find someone who is.

Hugs!

Jenn