or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Not comfortable with Halloween incident.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Not comfortable with Halloween incident. - Page 2

post #21 of 67
We aren't talking about Europe. We are talking about the U.S. When you are use to seeing nudity, it isn't the same. Seeing grandma changing into her bathing suit is not the same as seeing 14 year old friend in the nude. One is a turn on and one is grandma getting into her bathing suit. It is totally different situation in a changing room with everyone from babies to grandparents around. It is your place to tell your children your views, she doesn't have to listen, she doesn't have to do it, but you are suppose to guide your children, share your values and morals, as you have. And your morals and values think that it is ok for her to get undressed in front of her male friends. The OP asked what we thought, I gave my opinion based on my values (as a pretty liberal American) - that it is not ok once puberty starts to get undressed in front of the other sex when they are peers.

SJane1 - Totally different scenario with someone baby-sitting. I am sure the 16 year old did behave as you would want. I doubt she thought about it one second after the fact.

A lot of parents would be plenty mad if this situation was reversed. A 16 year old boy brought in to watch the 14 year old girl dress so the 12 year old boy isn't alone with her? That would be considered perverted. The mother should have just suggested to your son that he change in the bathroom.
post #22 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsaye3 View Post
A lot of parents would be plenty mad if this situation was reversed. A 16 year old boy brought in to watch the 14 year old girl dress so the 12 year old boy isn't alone with her? That would be considered perverted. The mother should have just suggested to your son that he change in the bathroom.
I agree with you and scatterbrainedmom. The mom felt something about it wasn't right, but the way she handled it was just totally off the wall. Getting a 16 year old to chaperon them? WTF? The younger girl didn't need a chaperon, she needed to leave the room. If it had been 2 boys watching a girl completely undress you would all be freaked out about it, come on you know it's true, look way down deep in your mama bear hearts!:
post #23 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsaye3 View Post
We aren't talking about Europe. We are talking about the U.S. When you are use to seeing nudity, it isn't the same. Seeing grandma changing into her bathing suit is not the same as seeing 14 year old friend in the nude. One is a turn on and one is grandma getting into her bathing suit. It is totally different situation in a changing room with everyone from babies to grandparents around. It is your place to tell your children your views, she doesn't have to listen, she doesn't have to do it, but you are suppose to guide your children, share your values and morals, as you have. And your morals and values think that it is ok for her to get undressed in front of her male friends. The OP asked what we thought, I gave my opinion based on my values (as a pretty liberal American) - that it is not ok once puberty starts to get undressed in front of the other sex when they are peers.

SJane1 - Totally different scenario with someone baby-sitting. I am sure the 16 year old did behave as you would want. I doubt she thought about it one second after the fact.

A lot of parents would be plenty mad if this situation was reversed. A 16 year old boy brought in to watch the 14 year old girl dress so the 12 year old boy isn't alone with her? That would be considered perverted. The mother should have just suggested to your son that he change in the bathroom.
The internet is not the USA, and the OP did not specify that she wanted USA opinions.

I do notice, however, that the current social climate in the USA tends to lead people to sexualize situations that simply are not sexual.
post #24 of 67
Is your son homosexual? The reason I ask is that if he has girls that are friends and doesn't mind changing in front of them then I wouldn't worry. I don't think they would be getting curious anyway if they know his orientation. Sometimes other kids know something that one kids parents don't know about them. Just a thought.
post #25 of 67
Just to clarify...in my last post I was in no way saying your child is a homosexual. I was just asking a question. I wanted to clarify that. I know that when I was a teenager at that age I knew things about my best friends that even their parents didn't know and if they knew the things we were all doing together they would have been appalled I'm sure. I just don't want you to be offended by my questioning.
post #26 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
I myself would have no problem with it as long as my kid was comfortable. It's HIS body, not mine, so he gets to make the calls about what he is comfortable with. Of course, I only have daughters, maybe I would feel differently if I had a son. I would not have a problem with my DDs changing in front of peer age friends of either sex as long as they were comfortable with it.
ITA
post #27 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
The mom felt something about it wasn't right, but the way she handled it was just totally off the wall. Getting a 16 year old to chaperon them? WTF? The younger girl didn't need a chaperon, she needed to leave the room. If it had been 2 boys watching a girl completely undress you would all be freaked out about it, come on you know it's true, look way down deep in your mama bear hearts!:


I wonder if it started out as a bit of a joke, and then just kept going one step further, and a little further, and then a little further. It seems to me like the kinda thing that if they had started our realizing the whole thing, they might not have done it, and yet, each step was just one tiny step, so there never seemed to be a reason to stop.

I think that parents should talk to their boys about saying no to girls. Just because a girl comes up with an idea, it doesn't mean that it is a good idea. And boys have just as much of a right to say no as girls, even though they don't often get that message in our society.
post #28 of 67
Wow! Some very strong opinions here. I don't have teens yet, but I was one not very long ago-I would personally be uncomfortable with the fact that he did change in front of the girls, but I wouldn't go overboard on it if HE wasn't uncomfortable. Nudity does not always have to be sexual, and this is true even with teenagers. I changed in front of my guy friends before, and nothing happened-we were just changing clothes, ya know? I DO think that opposite sexes should change separately, but once incident shouldn't be that huge of a deal, and it was probably a completely spontaneous action with the kids. Teenagers tend to act first without thinking of the consequences, and they probably didn't even pause to think that it might be inappropriate for a boy to change in front of them. I'll be they were mostly giggling at the fact that one of their male friends is going to be dressed as a female.
post #29 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
I myself would have no problem with it as long as my kid was comfortable. It's HIS body, not mine, so he gets to make the calls about what he is comfortable with. Of course, I only have daughters, maybe I would feel differently if I had a son. I would not have a problem with my DDs changing in front of peer age friends of either sex as long as they were comfortable with it.
I have a daughter and a son, and I agree with you. They can be naked in front of whomever they want; its not my body to control.

When I was 15, I was doing community theater and often changed clothes (sometimes getting completely naked) in front of women and men of all ages. That was actually when I finally started feeling comfortable about my body again, after being very very modest between the age of 9 and 14. That's a good thing, IMO.
post #30 of 67
It kind of sounds like he already had the skirt on when they decided he should change into the panties too. In which case, they may have gotten a little flash but probably nothing too serious. He might have turned his back?

In any case, I don't think it's a big deal at all. To me it would only be a big deal if he was uncomfortable, didn't want to do it, and they pressured him, or pulled his pants down or something. It sounds like it was all in good fun.

Mind you, I wouldn't think twice about changing in front of most of my friends, male or female, and neither would they. We're pretty liberal, and there's a nude beach here that all my friends go to so we've seen it all anyway.

I have to wonder how much of your discomfort is related to seeing your son dressed as what sounds like a very cute teenaged girl? Or, maybe, if his defensiveness is more related to that than to the nudity?
post #31 of 67
I wonder... did he strip down totally naked, or did he change from briefs to undies with the skirt ON?
post #32 of 67
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Organicavocado View Post
I wonder... did he strip down totally naked, or did he change from briefs to undies with the skirt ON?
From the details I drug out of him, he stripped down to nothing but his breifs and put the pantyhose and the skirt on, and it did not look right, he said it felt really weird so they got a pair of the 12yo's panties and gave to him to put on. I'm assuming that he did strip down totaly naked infront of them.


I've pretty much decided its a non issue now. He knows I'd prefer him to not do this again, but im not going to barr it. If he's comfortable with his body -- then im not going to stop him.
post #33 of 67
It sounds like you've come to some sort of internal resolution about this, so congratulations! But I would like to add one thing: I think it's great that so many people recognize that their children's bodies are their own, but (if I was in this situation) I'd make sure that my son knew that, in general even if not in this particular instance, getting naked in front of a woman or women could be seen as very threatening to that woman or women.
post #34 of 67
IMO, the reason we don't change in front of others who aren't related to us is because it makes us uncomfortable. DD1 stopped being comfortable changing in front of me around age 6, so I respected that. I also refrain from walking around the house naked because it makes her uncomfortable (my other 2 aren't as strongly opinionated on this issue.)

If he wasn't uncomfortable changing in front of these particular friends, they weren't uncomfortable with him changing in front of them, and no innapropriate touching went on, then I really can't see what the big deal is.

I would certainly talk to him about what's "proper" and reasons he should be more modest in the future (ie, avoid the chance of making others uncomfy or putting himself at risk of unwanted sexual contact) but I don't think it's such a big deal after the fact.
post #35 of 67
Quote:
If he wasn't uncomfortable changing in front of these particular friends, they weren't uncomfortable with him changing in front of them, and no innapropriate touching went on, then I really can't see what the big deal is.
ITA, and I'd take it the one step further in that the parents of the girls weren't uncomfortable either.

As far as being disturbed by it as a "show and tell" scenario, I don't see a problem with that either. imagine, a 12 yr old girl knowing what a real live penis looks like! I think it was innocent fun and I think the costume is hilarious. but, it takes a lot to offend me, fwiw.
post #36 of 67
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
I think it was innocent fun and I think the costume is hilarious. but, it takes a lot to offend me, fwiw.
I was jealous that he doesn't have to shave his legs / armpits to be a perfect woman :-)

That said -- i'm not sure I'd let my daughter goto school dressed in such revealing, short clothing.

But when we first saw him we did not recognize him. They did an excellent job with the clothing and make up.
post #37 of 67
I would not be happy if my 12 year old changed in front of his friends that are female. But that is just me.
post #38 of 67
I understand why you feel uncomfortable, and I know I would also feel that way. That said, I'd not make a big issue of the matter at this point. I would talk to your son to further assess if these girls are playing nice or being manipulative with him. That's the focus of my concern over the matter. I'd keep my ears open for anything else suspicous but not get involved at this point.
post #39 of 67
I would be more concerned that, as you mentioned, this was perhaps a mean-spirited trick at his expense than I would about the nudity issue.
post #40 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJane01 View Post
I think it could have ended up with the girls picking on him, and DS then being devastated because he trusted them, and they picked on him for whatever reason, no pubic hair, small size, whatever reason.

Did it? If not, logicaly it would have validated his body image? As to weather or not the situation was "wrong" you really have to trust your intuition. The facts of this situation don't flesh it out enough, it could have been totally harmless or totally horrible.

Assuming it was harmless, and a case of kids experimenting with gender roles, it's definetely okay for you to be uncomfortable with this. You could gently expess to your son that, although what he did was not wrong, you don't feel comfortable with that happening again. I don't see how that could be too harmful.

I don't have a teenager, but I know that children always suprise us with what they are curious about, or rather, how they express that curiosity!

You sound like you're being a good Mama about this, instead of shooting fro the hip. Sometimes it can ba hard to suss out weather or not our inhibitions are a good thing we inhereted from our parents/ society or not.

I'm sure it'll all be fine,

Crystal

P.S As for a role reversal here, I would definetely have to fight my own impulses to think that a 16 BOY would be predatory towards a younger girl. It is definetely not necissarily so, although there is a greater sociatal hurdle in seeing boys as the agressors.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Not comfortable with Halloween incident.