Oh my 4yr old I cant take it

[starbound25]

I'm so drained over DD right now I can barely type this post out
EVERYDAY we fight, everyday she pushes me and its over the most stupid things and then it spirals OUT OF CONTROL like I dont even know how a child could be so aggressive and mad

today I asked for 10 minutes of alone time in my room to watch a few minutes of tv while the baby slept and her and her sister painted, I set up all the paint stuff (which she loves to paint) and she did it for about 5min then came in my room and started rolling around near me, on me, etc, I asked her nicely to give me 5 minutes to relax, I honestly dont think this is unreasonable to me to ask, so she doesnt leave, I tell her in a calm tone to play in the living room or to paint, again she doesnt leave

well thats how it started, she went off, then I tell her if she keeps it up she is going in time out, ok she keeps it up, time out, screaming kicking flipping out, tell her to stop or the toy she got at preschool is getting put away for the day, keeps screaming, toy up on shelf, flipping out over toy, time out over, she tells me she hates me, back in time out, flip out, now in time out in room, kicking door, banging wall, wake up baby, throwing books in room, tearing sheets off bed, I go in tell her she needs 4 minutes of quiet time then she can get out, set timer, she throws timer at wall and screams in my face, etc etc etc, I want to throw her against a wall, never would but really want to, start to cry call DH he says he doenst know why she pushes me so much (this has been for about 9 months now several times a week)

she has always had a temper I remember at her 18month check up asking the doctor if there was terrible 18months before terrible 2's, she will be 5 in Jan and it just gets worse

she fights w/her sister constantly, is wonderful w/ baby and is an angel at preschool

when she is sweet she is THE sweetest girl you could ever meet, when she is mad/angry/being naughty its like the devil worked its way into my child

too tired to type more......oh mamas.......

[guardandolaluna]

Hang in there! I know it can be frustrating! With three kids it is so hard to get that little bit of space I swear the only time I have alone is when DH is home and I take a bath. Even then, someone tries to come in! Sometimes with a newer baby they try to get as much of you as they can. I know my DD is 11 and I still have to remind her when I ask for a few min alone. With me I tell her 20 min and even though she CAN tell time, 5 min later there will be a knock and "mom, I just have ONE question!":
Take a breath. I know how this feels! You might laugh.. but it has gotten to the point where I wake up at 5am to watch a Tivoed TV show and just hang out ALONE. lol!

[newmommy]

You are not alone ---> http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=776304

[abi&ben'smom]

I try to be sneaky and tell my almost 6 year old dd that I'm going to clean the bathroom or do some laundry, and then if she doesn't follow me I can sneak in my room and read or flip the tv on. I usually get 15 minutes before she comes to see what I'm doing! If I even mention alone time for myself (even if daddy's home), she freaks out!

[croleRN]

This sounds so much like DD1 !!! I am reading (just started) The Spirited Child - right now...it seems to fit. So no advice, just sisterhood!

[lovemyfamily6]

Are you able to get much one on one time with her? I have an almost six month old baby myself and three older boys (including 4 year old twins) so I totally get where you're coming from with a 4 year old (hardest age so far for us!) and a baby.

It sounds like things keep turning into a power struggle, which again I totally get that when you're *in* it, it's hard to see that and get out of it. Maybe instead of timeouts, have a time in *with* her. Say "it looks like you could use some mommy all to yourself time. Would you like to cuddle for a few minutes?"

I've been re-reading Playful Parenting too and trying to implement a lot of that in our day too. I've especially been using it if we're in a bad cycle to try to get us out of it.

Again, I'm wondering if some guaranteed time with you could help too. I'm not sure how old of a 3 your 3 year old is, but even if she's a new 3, for almost 4 years, you were pregnant, had a baby, had a toddler, pregnant, had a baby... I try to remember that about my guys too because they're just turned 6, 4, 4 and the baby. So for a long time there were special circumstances that they've had to deal with. Maybe you could talk to her about planning a 2:00 snuggle or whatever time is shortly before the normal problem time.

I've been struggling with my temper and patience level lately too. I'm trying so hard to remember that they're small and don't understand my need for "me time" and aren't trying to annoy me. Hang in there.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by starbound25

I'm so drained over DD right now I can barely type this post out
EVERYDAY we fight, everyday she pushes me and its over the most stupid things and then it spirals OUT OF CONTROL like I dont even know how a child could be so aggressive and mad

You know how people will ask questions about how being a parent is different than you pictured it? I usually want to answer that I just didn't picture all this anger, strife and dissension. Even when I wake up and start the day in a good mood, and I say something pleasant to my child, the angry, scathing kind of responses I may get just make me want to go back to bed.

And yes, I experienced bad periods at around 18 months the first time, then a mellow period around 2, 2.5 and then from 3.5, 4 until at least 5 a difficult period.

[WuWei]

When ds was about 18 months, I felt like you are describing. We never did any time out stuff, but I wanted to %*(&&))!!! I realized that my reaction was my responsibility and that ds wasn't going to learn self-control when I was flipping out. I sought counseling and found how much of my self-talk was "supposed to" and "had to" and "or else" with my parents' voices in my head. I expected ds to be able to obey all the stuff that I had to obey as a child and couldn't. Ultimately, I was able to observe my internal reactions without the fight or flight adrenalin rage like you are describing. The thread "Parenting and Rage" helped me with tools of self-care and when my bucket is full, I have more to give. When I am tapped out, there ain't nothing left.

I started to find ways to take care of myself, in moments as they arise, rather than once I was to the point of "RIGHT NOW, I JUST NEED A FR&(*)G MOMENT!" And I planned a bunch of self-care and down time, limited my expectations, delegated and asked for help and *accepted* help from others. Also, a mother's helper improved my sanity! And sleep. Oh, sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing. Here is the thread. It is long, there are so many pearls of wisdom and BTDT stories. It will get better mama, but your daughter sounds like she is trying to connect with you. When my energy amps up, ds amps up. We call him a little barometer. When I am able to find my calm, he is able to work with me. Ds has been my little zen master to help me to learn what my triggers and hot buttons are. The book "Peace Is Every Step" helped me learn about my childhood and my expectations.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage


Pat

[monkey's mom]

Good replies above, but I will just add that as the introverted mother of an EXTREMELY extroverted child, I really had to see that my need for quiet was no different than his need for interaction and talking--and I had the self-knowledge and decades of life experience, yet I still somehow expected HIM to meet MY needs when I couldn't meet his. Raising Your Spirited Child helped me a TON with the introverted/extroverted stuff.

[starbound25]

oh my goodness ladies thank you so much for all your responses! I will look at the links to the other threads too
It has been really hard around here with her constantly challenging me and my lack of sleep
the smallest thing can set her off, two BIG ones are,
like I said when I want a moment to myself
another big one is when she wants something if she has to wait, even a minute, it starts small then spirals, and this will be for like filling her water bottle, we talk about patience a lot etc but it doesnt seem to matter
ugh, going to try to get a some sleep soon since they all just went to bed, so I'm gonna try to sleep before the baby wakes up for the first time!
thank you again, thank you thank you thank you
so good to not feel alone and supported