Favourite GD technique?

[canadiyank]

I'm sure many of you have found, as I have, that parenting gently does not necessarily mean it comes naturally. What is your favourite GD technique? Something that "works"? Something that calms you down? Something that you have been seeing progress on?

I think my favourite thing is to phrase things positively - instead of "Stop standing on that chair!" it becomes, "Please sit - chairs are for sitting." I become more calm during that process, too.

TIA!

[Mallory]

My favorite is to change my own behavior.

Kids driving me crazy not responing when I say their names. Yeah I could do a better job responding the first time they say mine.

Do I wish everyone would talk nicer, quieter, say please more often. I probably have not been as polite as I could be.


I have control over what I do, so I get to see at least one person changing imeadieatly. And it doesn't take long for my children to follow my example.

[Aster]

There's a technique in Easy to Love, Difficult to Disipline that i absolutely love bc it works so well. It's for teaching children how to get what they want while respecting the rights of the others around them. The formula goes like this:

You wanted *assign positive intent here*
You may not *insert unwanted behaviour here*. *insert unwanted behaviour here* hurts/isnt safe/etc (reason why child shouldnt do unwanted behaviour)
When you want *insert positive intent*, say/do *insert acceptable behaviour here*
Do it now! Practice it!

We've used this with ds since he was about one, and it really works...it teaches him how to meet his own needs in an acceptable manner.

I'll give an example, bc i'm not sure that what i wrote was very clear...say ds walks up to the cat and pulls his tail...I'd say something like:
You wanted to play with the cat. You may not pull the cat's tail. Pulling the cats tail hurts the cat and he's likely to hurt you back. When you want to play with the cat, pet him gently like this. Here, try it! (and then i would help ds pet the cat gently)

That's just one example...this technique has worked countless times for us. I've found it to be an invaluable teaching aid.

I also think it's important to model the kinds of behaviours that i want ds to use. And i think it's important to focus my attention on the things i want to see more of. Oh, and kids echo the moods of the people around them, so it's really important to maintain a peaceful environment.

[geekmom]

Big, big, big thing that I've found helps TONS in gentle disciplining is giving up the thought that you have to respond to or halt a behavior immediately. I find that if I don't have a positive and gentle, teaching response to my child's behavior I can just let it go until I either come up with one or can think of one that will work the next time.

If I ask one of my kids to do soemthing or stop doing something and they don't I just let it go. When they then ask me to do something for them I tell them no and shrug. I say, "you didn't listen to me so I don't feel like listening to you." It works so continuously and repeatedly. I use the same method with my students that I substitute teach. It doesn't stop all the behaviors, but after time the kids learn that they need to listen if they want me to listen to them.

it also just works for me becuase I don't feel pressured to come up with the right response immediately. I don't have to show my anger or disapproval right away. Children are not puppy dogs so it's not liek they won't understand the connection between their behavior and the consequence even if the 2 aren't connected in time.

The other thing I remember is that some behavior is stopped more by teaching and time, not by consequences or anything. For example little kids grabbing toys or hitting is not something I try to provide a consequence for. Each time I just intervene and physcially show the child what I want them to do. The hitting and grabbing won't stop for awhile, unitl they hit the next developmental stage, but I'm not convinced that "discipline" really speeds up the process.

[candiland]

My favorite, lately, is just taking a deep breath and calmly explaining to my 3 1/2 y.o. why she needs/need not do something.
If she's really freaking out and not asking me something nicely, I continually tell her that she needs to take a deep breath and calm down and that if she will listen to me, I will listen to her. Then I explain whatever it is I need to say, and then she usually follows my lead and makes requests politely.
My DD, by the way, has a, umm, really bleak temperment When she was born, she came out screaming, and it feels like she hasn't stopped in three and a half years. As a baby, she wouldn't really laugh - or even smile - unless something really warranted that kind of reaction. She's a Sagittarian. And she can already outthink me:

[Embee]

Mallory and Aster's comments are right on for me as well. Changing my own behavior has more than a time or two, made our lives easier all around. Indeed, I do believe one of the best things we can do for our children is to remember that like them, we are also still a work in progress... give ourselves the room to learn and grow as well, always.

Aside from that, I'd have to say that one of my fav GD "instincts" is to really focus on DS when he's going through his "punchy" periods. That is to say, when he's doing those things he knows he shouldn't, (assumably to gain my attention). Many would tell me that I'm "rewarding bad behavior" and therefore reinforcing it, but in my experience, slowing down the pace of life to focus on DS's needs, whatever they may be at the time, has always resulted in a happier, more secure and naturally well behaved kid...