November dating thread

[BelovedK]

Hi all

This is the place to discuss all things 'dating'

Update us, tell us what's new.

Me? I have been on a rollercoaster with my guy. We are both obviously interested in each another, but he has a crazy X who has decided she hates me and has taken measures to try and make me miserable and push me away from my social scene/friends. It is working at the moment. She is hanging out with some of my friends now more than I am, I feel uncomfortable to go to events.

What's worse is the fact that my guy told me that he needs space until this calms down Then he calls me TWICE a day :

I don't know what to make of it...I found out that he spent time with her : I confronted hima nd he told me that he talked to her, but is definitely NOT going to anymore and told me that he did in fact take up for me. I am so torn, so is he This isn't worth it...I am unable to move on though at the moment, I fell HARD for him, and though I went out on a date with another guy last night, I couldn't have feelings for him

I guess I'll have to see how this story develops

Wish me luck.

[mmace]

Good luck, Beloved. I hope that X goes away quietly.

Cute Guy and I are doing good. I love, Love, LOVE every minute we spend together, but I get majorly brought down by the minutes we aren't together - and unfortunately there are many more of those. I hate sending him home every night, but since I'm waiting for the divorce to come through and trying to get my X to sign the property settlement agreement I will keep sending him home. I'm just ready to put this crap behind me and get on with the good stuff!

For me the biggest issue is me. I'm having a hard time with the idea that some small part of my happiness is dependent on someone else. Does that make sense? Not that I need him to be happy, but I am happy when I am with him. I know it's my own hangup, but when my X left four years ago I promised myself that I wasn't going to let myself get to that point ever again. Stupid promise, I know, but I really did fight hard not to fall in love with Cute Guy.

[Still_Snarky]

howdy all.

bk

i've been dating d for about three weeks now and we've spent the last 6 nights together. by that i mean talking, giggling, sleeping, ing, and me getting up and down 25 times a night to nurse/comfort 'renzo. he's wonderful about it, everything is a non-issue with him. the absolute worst quality i have found about him is that he snores softly when he's really tired. i can deal with that.

things are going much faster than i would have expected. i think i'm falling hard for him, and likewise. it is strange not to have a frame of reference...this is the first time i've dated as an adult. i can see myself with this man for a long while and on one hand that scares the crap out of me because i finally got good at being alone. that said, i am so not going to push a good thing away.

this feels different than the dating that i did with b (my business partner). i always felt some degree of anxiety about that and was worried about saying/doing the wrong things. we're much better as friends (he told me he loves me a couple days ago (!)) and i'm thinking all in all i'm much more compatible with d. there's none of that nervousness at all.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Still_Snarky

this feels different than the dating that i did with b (my business partner). i always felt some degree of anxiety about that and was worried about saying/doing the wrong things. we're much better as friends (he told me he loves me a couple days ago (!)) and i'm thinking all in all i'm much more compatible with d. there's none of that nervousness at all.

I am assuming you are talking about B? Was he saying that he loves you as a friend? Does he know that you are dating someone else, someone that you are feeling a very strong connection to?

[Still_Snarky]

yes he does know. and he's actually starting to see someone else too. he wanted me to know that he cares about me and loves me and isn't going to bail out on me like bk. we have a deep connection but it took this long to verbalize that it is a platonic one...love nonetheless. it came at the right time in an odd sort of way.

[SillyLilStinkweed]

Well, I went on a date with the most good looking man. He was so good looking, that I made a total fool out if myself. But he also came on way too stong, physically, and that's when I made a fool out of myself. I don't think I want to date him, because I am unsure of he's a nice guy, or the kind of guy who likes to date a lot of women. I guess it was just refreshing to date someone, I'd actually wanna kiss, even. sigh...... ugh

[SillyLilStinkweed]

[QUOTE=Still_Snarky;9612340] howdy all.

i've been dating d for about three weeks now and we've spent the last 6 nights together. by that i mean talking, giggling, sleeping, ing, and me getting up and down 25 times a night to nurse/comfort 'renzo. he's wonderful about it, everything is a non-issue with him. the absolute worst quality i have found about him is that he snores softly when he's really tired. i can deal with that.

QUOTE]


Wow, i'm impressed! it's great to know that there are guys like that! I get up 26 times a night to comfort my 14 month old.


mmace, I know how to feel about getting to a place where you are happy alone and not wanting to risk going back to being depend on someone outside of you for happiness, which can slowly happen. Also a worry of mine.

Beloved, I really feel for you. It's not okay for a jealous ex to swoop in a make the best part feel icky. Any by best part, I mean that fall in love part, right at the beginning of a relationship, which is like the honeymon phase, I guess. She's screwing up your memories. And if he allows it, he's not worth it. So, I'd step back and let him decide what's what. He needs to miss you and not avoid you cause you stress him out, ya know? He'll soon realize that his ex is keeping him single and then he'll feel kind of controlled by her and soon she won't be his friend. She already isn't.

[SillyLilStinkweed]

still snarky - I just wanted to ask, how does your ex feel about men sleeping over with the kids in the house? Just curious, because mine would go insane if I did that. And I really have no choice if I want to have any sort of love life.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed

Beloved, I really feel for you. It's not okay for a jealous ex to swoop in a make the best part feel icky. Any by best part, I mean that fall in love part, right at the beginning of a relationship, which is like the honeymon phase, I guess. She's screwing up your memories. And if he allows it, he's not worth it. So, I'd step back and let him decide what's what. He needs to miss you and not avoid you cause you stress him out, ya know? He'll soon realize that his ex is keeping him single and then he'll feel kind of controlled by her and soon she won't be his friend. She already isn't.

You'r exactly right I actually sent hi a scathing email last week when I was very emotional saying that I was 'out' (much more too)
I cried alot last week because of all of this I am past that for now. He is not her friend, I think that she manipulates him though because he is a nice guy and I wonder if he is not too passive for me...I mean, what if he really isn'tinto me? and he is just allowing life to go on and leading me on? I really think he is torn, wanting to be free after such a suffocating relationship, from the drama, and wanting to be with me (hence the phone calls, etc.

I went out with that other guy and he made me cringe because he was not S I AM open to going out with others, but I either need to be strong in a decision to let him go, or I need him to be straight up front with me.

When I asked him to be up front he told me that he didn't want me to go anywhere, but this needed time to calm down (dramawise) he also said that he needed space I really don't know what to make of that.


I'm happy for you though, really enjoy yourself in this fun phase of things

[robinchap1]

Beloved K: I hope it's ok for me to say this. I've been in a similar situation (not with the crazy ex gf and the friends thing... that sounds awful and I'm SO sorry! I hope your friends wake up soon!). But with the hot and cold, ambivalence, needing space (when you're not the one crowding him) and then calling you thing. If I may, it is not fair to tell you he needs space and then to call you 2x/day. I think you should tell him that he needs to be clear. If he wants space, he needs to define that for you. Does it mean no contact? Does it mean less contact? Does it mean he can call you when he wants but you shouldn't call him? He needs to be able to be clear about what he needs and then you can decide if it's something you can/want to give him or not.

Also, while I don't know the whole story... if he's ready to date you, he needs to be able to stand up for both you and himself and set clear boundaries. It sounds like he is not setting clear boundaries for himself with his ex or with you (asking for space and then calling 2x/day). While we all certainly have gray areas and periods... It sound to me as though he may not be as together and ready to be in a healthy relationship as you are. That doesn't mean that he won't figure it out soon...

I'd love to see a post saying that he took some time, got strong and clear, told his ex NO and stopped speaking to her and then called you and told you how wonderful and amazing you are... thanks you for being so patient... and whisks you off to a romantic dinner!

It sounds like he is still on a rollercoaster of a bad relationship and now you are on it too.

I'm sorry... you sound wonderful and together and you don't deserve this. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

I hope I didn't say too much... Funny how it's always so much easier to see things in others' relationships than your own!
Take care and ,
Robin

[robinchap1]

Still Snarky,
I am a follower of your blog and am so happy for you. He sounds great and you deserve joy and wonderful things!
I'd love to ask... for my own personal benefit how this is working at night in terms of your kids. My DS is, I believe, just about the same age as your Lorenzo (I can't tell you how comforting it is that yours is up a zillion times/night too!). I always start him in his crib (it's the only time I have to take a shower in peace and know that he's safe). He always ends up in my bed at some point, which I love. I haven't done much dating yet, and nothing serious. And I kept thinking that I just wouldn't be able to until DS was sleeping better and on his own. Now I'm not in such a rush for him to be sleeping on his own all night (though sleeping all night certainly wouldn't be so bad!). I really enjoy co-sleeping and see the benefits in his disposition... and may not want to change this for a few years.
Besides that... even to have someone over for dinner and a movie after DS is in bed... he wakes so often and it sometimes takes up to 1/2 hour or more to resettle him... I don't see how it could work.
If you're up for sharing... how is this all coming together for you?
Thank you!
And much happiness to you!

[BelovedK]

Robinchap, thank you so much for your feedback, I think you make several good points. I need to back off emotionally bc I certainly don'y want to be IN his bad relationship. I really want to move on and since intention is the beginning of action, that's where I am right now. I just am having a hard time getting him out of my heart :

I'm just trying to remain open to all of life's possibilities. I wish I could delete all of this from my mind, and his Xgf's mind...I would leave it in his mind because if he wants me, he is going to have to really show me.

Thanks for listening

[SillyLilStinkweed]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

Still Snarky,
I am a follower of your blog and am so happy for you. He sounds great and you deserve joy and wonderful things!
I'd love to ask... for my own personal benefit how this is working at night in terms of your kids. My DS is, I believe, just about the same age as your Lorenzo (I can't tell you how comforting it is that yours is up a zillion times/night too!). I always start him in his crib (it's the only time I have to take a shower in peace and know that he's safe). He always ends up in my bed at some point, which I love. I haven't done much dating yet, and nothing serious. And I kept thinking that I just wouldn't be able to until DS was sleeping better and on his own. Now I'm not in such a rush for him to be sleeping on his own all night (though sleeping all night certainly wouldn't be so bad!). I really enjoy co-sleeping and see the benefits in his disposition... and may not want to change this for a few years.
Besides that... even to have someone over for dinner and a movie after DS is in bed... he wakes so often and it sometimes takes up to 1/2 hour or more to resettle him... I don't see how it could work.
If you're up for sharing... how is this all coming together for you?
Thank you!
And much happiness to you!

ditto!!!

[Still_Snarky]

Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed

still snarky - I just wanted to ask, how does your ex feel about men sleeping over with the kids in the house? Just curious, because mine would go insane if I did that. And I really have no choice if I want to have any sort of love life.

bk doesn't know and it certainly isn't a pattern i want to establish. i want to be respectful of my kids first and foremost and the couple times d fell asleep here he was up and out before it was light, well before the little ones woke. as for bk, he's shacking up with his girlfriend, ruining my plans by cancelling his visitation at the last moment and not paying his child support. p's therapist knows what is going on, has instructed me on how to proceed and protect the kids... i care more about what she thinks than what bk thinks.

Originally Posted by robinchap1

Still Snarky,
I am a follower of your blog and am so happy for you. He sounds great and you deserve joy and wonderful things!

If you're up for sharing... how is this all coming together for you?
Thank you!
And much happiness to you!

whew, it takes some juggling for sure and a very understanding guy. honestly this would be a whole different thing if he wasn't a dad, i think. 'renzo wakes about 5 times a night with a couple of good stretches of sleep during the first part of the evening. parker sleeps through. i'm kind of used to this getting in and out of the family bed thing because it is typically when i work on chocolate stuff and do my grading. part of it is that i'm unwilling to put off adult interaction just because i'm a single mom, i would go out of my mind and be a terrible mom. there is absolutely NO question that they come first but if i can give up a few hours of sleep here and there it is totally worth it. i love cosleeping and right now i'm getting the best of both, snuggle time with the kids and with someone else. part of it helps that 'renzo settles easliy in the middle of the night too...

[robinchap1]

Beloved K:
Still Snarky: Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head with the super understanding guy part... And really, why would I want to be with anyone who isn't??? Already did that! I agree about the adult interaction. Good for you to find a way to balance it all. It seems like you're doing such a great job! When do you sleep, girl???!!! (As I type away at midnight!)

[PixieAlly]

I don't understand...

Ok so I place an ad on craigslist. One guy kind of stands out as someone I think I'd get along with really well. We exchange phone calls/emails for a week or two and decide to meet for coffee. We meet and chat for about 20 minutes and then he says he'd better go because it was getting cold and he came on his motorcyle. Ok, that makes sense. I emailed him the next day to see if he'd want to go see an improv show that next weekend and never heard back. After our 20 minute meeting it felt like he wasn't interested anyway so I just figured I wouldn't hear from him again. 2 weeks later I get a voicemail from him saying he's been sick and he was calling to say hi and asked me to call back and keep in touch. So I do call him back and leave a message and mention I had emailed him and that I'd like to get together again. I think I may of emailed him the next day as well. That was last week and he hasn't called or emailed back. What is the deal with this idiot? Why did he bother calling me again if he's not going to return my call! : :

Ally

[kerplunk]

Ally-

Maybe he gets off on messing with a woman's head/self-esteem. Maybe he's stringing along several women. Maybe he got with someone else, it didn't work out so he called you, then they got back together so he didn't return your call. Maybe he has no sense of time and thinks about contacting people in terms of "weeks" instead of "days".

Whatever the reason, he's behaving like an a**. Please don't waste anymore time or emotional energy on him. I totally know from personal experience how hard it is to let go of that initial feeling of connection and potential, even after a guy has proven multiple times that he's not what I thought he was.

[Sharondio]

Originally Posted by PixieAlly

I don't understand...

Ok so I place an ad on craigslist. One guy kind of stands out as someone I think I'd get along with really well. We exchange phone calls/emails for a week or two and decide to meet for coffee. We meet and chat for about 20 minutes and then he says he'd better go because it was getting cold and he came on his motorcyle. Ok, that makes sense. I emailed him the next day to see if he'd want to go see an improv show that next weekend and never heard back. After our 20 minute meeting it felt like he wasn't interested anyway so I just figured I wouldn't hear from him again. 2 weeks later I get a voicemail from him saying he's been sick and he was calling to say hi and asked me to call back and keep in touch. So I do call him back and leave a message and mention I had emailed him and that I'd like to get together again. I think I may of emailed him the next day as well. That was last week and he hasn't called or emailed back. What is the deal with this idiot? Why did he bother calling me again if he's not going to return my call! : :

Ally

Welcome to the world of online dating. A lot of people date multiple people and/or just get busy with life, not really thinking that they're leaving someone hanging. You just sort of have to roll with it. If you want to see him again, call him. If not, write him off as a flake and move on to the next prospect.

[SillyLilStinkweed]

Ally - I've blown guys off that I met online, said I'd call and then didn't, or lead them on. I lead them on because I want to avoid making people feel turned down. I don't call because I'm busy, and not really interested. He sounds like a jerk. I'm guessing, he just felt in the mood for something, companionship, thinking, what the heck, and then later was back to his old self. I bet he's a procrastinator and just has a bad sense of time. Sounds like a real winner. Also, from recent experience, men can seem normal, can seem like your type, but they're only looking for one thing, and you may not be it. If that's the case, count your blessings!!!


Annie - Those same thoughts go through my head all the time!! I've been single for a year, and I really haven't come to any sort of conclusion. I'm not ready physically, but am mentally, and somewhat am emotionally. I like being single, want to me, but want to hang out with men and have contact. But I don't want to go to the next step. Therefore, maybe just going to shows and hanging out with men that are there, with friends? Or just staying single, until the right one comes along. I'm surprised how soon people do the deed. And I just don't want to unless he cares about ME. So I like the idea of dating and waiting. But need to find out early if he's a good kisser. I don't think I'll go on any more dates. But will give the 2 men I'm dating a chance.


An update on me.... Met a very very ruggedly attract man at the park. We went out on a 2nd date and kissed at the end of the night. My first kiss with someone new in 7 years!! Well, I hate to sound mean, but he ate my face and dry humped my leg. Has anyone seen an extra set of tonsils? It was all tongue and no lips. Then after chatting with him on the phone, I realize that he just appears normal, but is anything but. He is more so just looking to get laid.. Isn't gonna happen! What irks me, is that I showered him with compliments and he didn't give me one. This guy needs to make love to himself.


There's 2 men that I'm dating and really like.

The man from London is 2 ( like myself), has a great job, is the most mature 24 year old man I"ve even come across. Is very caring, very stable and healthy in all ways, we connect on the inside amazingly, he's totally falling for me, and we share so many interests, spiritually. The down side, he's has no bad boy in him at all. Not even a hint, and although good looking, I'm not attracted to him. Plus, he has bad breath. : I worry about him liking me. We've gone on 4 dates, and I just don't know if I want to continue? Meanwhile, I traded him a painting for him to put Photo Shop 5 on my computer, so gotta make that happen. I'll see. It's still possible.

Then there's single dad. : He makes me want to MELT. I'm very attracted to him and he's the best looking, although that matters just a little. We've only had play dates and I haven't gotten to know him as much as London guy, but he asked me to dinner. He's going to make it himself AND dessert! And, it was just really romantic how he asked and I haven't gotten that from London guy. Plus, he told me that I'm 'a beautiful woman' He's such a nice nice guy, but still has some bad boy in him, just a touch. Friday night will be our first time alone. It will be out 3rd 'date.' Should I kiss him? I just wanna find out early if the man can kiss me the way I like. But I don't know, cause I don't want to get physical early on. Can't say enough good things about him. He's very green. But not very spiritual, which bums me.

[BugMacGee]

I've got a date tomorrow. I feel very weird about it. I haven't been on a date in 9 years!

I feel that by going on this date, I'm somehow limiting my other possibilities (I know I'm not, really) But that's one of the things that's keeping me sane throughout this crazy time, the world of possibilities. Does that make any sense at all?

I need to go get my eyebrows done.