November dating thread - Page 7

[Zeta]

Hi mamas, I have been lurking here for months and months. This week I actually started playing around with a few internet dating sites, just to see what's out there and what it's like. For me this was a big step, not sure if I was ready and what my motives were, but then again, it's been interesting.

So far what I've noticed is I tend to be much more yay or nay based on looks than I am in real life. I wonder if that's a function of the medium? Do you find that? Or are looks a higher priority for me than I realize?

Also: I get a lot of responses and I am not sure what the ettiquette is around responding to winks or emails. If I just don't think it's something I want to pursue, is it rude of me to just shine them on? I don't want to be rude, but I also don't know if sending a simple thanks but no thanks will actually make them feel any better? I also feel like first responses are so impersonal any way, they are based on your photo and your profile, so it's not like I am walking away from a PERSON who has come up to me and said Hi, yk? I did put a disclaimer in on one of my profiles saying something to the effect that I am still very early on in thinking about dating so don't take it personally if I don't respond or if I correspond only briefly. What do you guys do?

I have heard from a couple guys whom I find intriguing, though, and so it is definitely fun. I suppose even that part gets old after a while, if you find that they are totally differnt in person or whatnot. Have you guys had a lot of experiences with really thinking you "knew" the guy through phone or email and then he is totally different? I seem to recall one post on this thread about some guy who was even fabulous on a first date and then scheduled a massage for the first part of the would-be second date--yikes. I imagine that kind of sudden realization of what a loser someone is is shocking and discouraging after you thought you had a good sense of them. Oh, but enough about my marriage.

One other question, oh Experienced Ones: Any tips for getting to know someone by email?

I'm just no new at this ladies! Thanks for listening.

[PixieAlly]

Originally Posted by Spring Sun

I feel the same way. I want to have a family, more children, and a partner. When I say I don't need to be with someone,what I am really saying is that I don't need to be with someone that is just okay. I am saying I prefer to be alone than to choose the wrong guy again, or to settle. I am saying I don't want to waste my time with someone I know is not potential "the one" just so I can have someone to spend time with. I would rather be alone than to dick around with someone that is not totally right for me.

I agree but it just seems all too often people think I am just desperate to be with anyone...I admit I haven't made great choices in the past but I wasn't just grabbing for whoever happened to walk by! I want to find someone I can envision spending the rest of my life with who will be good to me and my kids. Sometimes I just feel like people think I have to prove something by being alone...prove what, I don't know, that I can be sucessfully lonely?? :

Ally

[Still_Snarky]

oh my. i think i'm falling hard for this dan-o.

[Zeta]

Great quote I just read:

"You will always get what you are willing to settle for."

[LankyLizards]

I guess the main reason I even cared about what my ex thought is that I'm sort of relying on him (or his family who he lives with) to watch dd while I have a social life (amazing, it's been over two years!). I just don't want him to moody and grouchy. Anyway, last night he mentioned a "girl" at work and smiled, so I'm hopeful that he is moving on too. Which is good. And he offerred to watch dd Sat. night, so that I can go out - to see the the guy I'm into play with his band. I'm very excited. So, now I'm already thinking about what to wear. What is it with us women and clothing?? After the excitement wears off, it's always "What am I going to wear?"

[kerplunk]

Originally Posted by Spring Sun

I feel the same way. I want to have a family, more children, and a partner. When I say I don't need to be with someone,what I am really saying is that I don't need to be with someone that is just okay. I am saying I prefer to be alone than to choose the wrong guy again, or to settle. I am saying I don't want to waste my time with someone I know is not potential "the one" just so I can have someone to spend time with. I would rather be alone than to dick around with someone that is not totally right for me.

That's exactly how I feel. Well put! This realization has totally changed my outlook on dating. Guys who do not have their lives together, who aren't interested in serious relationships, or who don't want kids are no longer attractive to me. Magically.

[rubelin]

hey mommas, a friend of mine (also a single mom) has been raving about this book/website lately, it's called the Four Man Plan http://thefourmanplan.com/ I haven't gotten the book yet, since I'm in a committed relationship right now, but it looks like such a great concept and I thought y'all would appreciate it

I've been seeing my new guy for 4 months now and it's good. He's met my boys 3 times for casual outings and it's gone ok. He's a bit nervous around them and I can see it's going to take a looong time for him to feel comfortable around them, which is frustrating for me, but I guess we have all the time in the world. They really like him and ask about him from time to time and even incorporated his name into their make-believe play He had some bad experiences with an old girlfriend who had kids (and a crazy ex), so he's kinda tentative with them and worried that my ex will cause trouble (which I am positive he won't). I really want him around more (he lives 60 miles away) which means being around the boys more and he's just not ready for that yet. So I get to work on my patience, which is not one of my strong points

I still marvel when he does lovely things like call me back after a misunderstanding to clarify things, which none of my previous men would ever have done. We even cooked Thanksgiving dinner together (the boys were with their dad so it was just the 2 of us) and it was so relaxed and lovely. Let's just say it was NOT that way with the ex : My ex is a great chef but sooo tense about it.

He said last night that he still can't believe that we met on PlentyofFish.com !!

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by rubelin

I still marvel when he does lovely things like call me back after a misunderstanding to clarify things, which none of my previous men would ever have done.

This is such a good sign, the kind of thing that would give me a sense of encouragement about the healthiness of the relationship. I think the skill you described is rare in women and even more rare in men. Best of luck to you.

[Zeta]

Is it lame to have a crush on a guy from an internet dating site after only three email exchanges? Is it a classic newbie phenomenon that wears off as you get more experience with the rough and tumble of actually meeting the guys? Just curious. Because I definitely have a crush going here. :

[rubelin]

yeah, I do think it's such a good sign that he does that, and it's usually when I'm sitting here thinking that it's just not going to work with us and then he calls and initiates talking it through or apologizes for being in a bad mood and not supporting me more, or whatever. It just makes me weep with love when he does that

As for having a crush after 3 emails, yeah, definitely. That's how it was with my guy and, though I was very tentative, I knew I needed to get to know him more after the first few exchanges. We only did email for the first week and then had a 6 hour phone conversation and met the day after that. We've emailed and talked on the phone every dayand seen each other at least one day/night a week ever since.

[robinchap1]

Well... so I went on my blind date. It was... fine. Nice guy. Decent conversation. Good food. But no sparks.

And Zeta... yes. I had a crush going for this guy after just a few emails. I think that is totally possible. But yes also on the I find that men are often different in person that I expect after only emailing. That's not always bad. And I don't mean that they've been deceptive or anything. I just think it's so hard to tell over email... you miss tone of voice, emphasis, expression, etc. And I think we create something in our head that is based on a mixture of our own experiences and desires as well as the facts we have about the person. And it can be hard to reconcile the real person to the one you've created... if that made any sense at all!!!

Anyway... I'm feeling really bummed out right now for some reason. It's silly... I haven't dated much at all. I had a nice evening out. I think I'm realizing how much I do want to meet someone after all. I want to feel sparks and excitement, you know? And feel it returned. But... at the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready (clearly the universe doesn't think so!). And I was pretty psyched to get home to my book, pjs, and, well... you guys!

It's like Spring Sun said... I'm happy as is. And my time is valuable. I don't want to waste it on just anyone. But wow would I love to spend some time with someone who really gets me... who clicks... who adds a new level to happy in my life... you know?

Anyway... I survived another date. Not sure where to go from here. Just wait, I guess!
Too bad there were no sparks... this guy has a house on a lake!

[SillyLilStinkweed]

Also, looks aren't everything but make sure you see more then one picture and ask how recent the pictures are. I went on a date with someone with a great picture, but he didn't look so good in person. It was a let down. If I had seen the real him in a picture in the first place, I wouldn't have been let down and he would have faired better. Another guy had gained a bunch of weight since the pictures he posted were taken. Same goes for us. It's better to post pictures of the real you.

[incorrigible]

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[Zeta]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

And Zeta... yes. I had a crush going for this guy after just a few emails. I think that is totally possible. But yes also on the I find that men are often different in person that I expect after only emailing. That's not always bad. And I don't mean that they've been deceptive or anything. I just think it's so hard to tell over email... you miss tone of voice, emphasis, expression, etc. And I think we create something in our head that is based on a mixture of our own experiences and desires as well as the facts we have about the person. And it can be hard to reconcile the real person to the one you've created... if that made any sense at all!!!

That makes perfect sense, even the part about reconciling the real person to the one you've created. Maybe I will have a coffee date on the sooner side to short circuit that creative process.

I am sorry about your blind date. Glad he was not a jerk, though. Onwards!

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed

Also, looks aren't everything but make sure you see more then one picture and ask how recent the pictures are. I went on a date with someone with a great picture, but he didn't look so good in person. It was a let down. If I had seen the real him in a picture in the first place, I wouldn't have been let down and he would have faired better. Another guy had gained a bunch of weight since the pictures he posted were taken. Same goes for us. It's better to post pictures of the real you.

Excellent point. The let down can create a problem of its own.

I tried to post photos of the real me...without including the ones I hate (which is about half). I want people to get a realistic impression, rather than duck when I walk in the door of Starbucks.

[Zeta]

New question: At what point do you share your real name? This one guy seems like a normal person after three emails, with a real job and similar (normal ) interests. I gave him my real first name, but am hesitating to give him my full name just because of leariness in general. The last thing I want is to suddenly realize someone is a wacko and they know my name, where I live, and where I work (which can all be gotten from my name). Am I being paranoid or prudent? Hopefully paranoid because I'd like to be more casual with him.

[SillyLilStinkweed]

Zeta, I think you can put that on the back burner. There's no real reason why he'd need your last name just to date and get to know you. I wouldn't give it to him, unless you decide to be a 'thing' Lucky for me, when you hear my last name, you have no idea how to spell it anyway.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed

Zeta, I think you can put that on the back burner. There's no real reason why he'd need your last name just to date and get to know you. I wouldn't give it to him, unless you decide to be a 'thing' Lucky for me, when you hear my last name, you have no idea how to spell it anyway.

Thanks SLS, I appreciate the help. I feel like a little sister on the bed of big sisters trying to figure out what dating is REALLY LIKE! I was last single 16 years ago. That's a heavy number. When I imagine going up to a guy that I've arranged to meet, the first guy I'd be openly checking out for romantic possibilities for 16 years, I am pretty darn sure I'll blush, which will embarrass me. But ladies, this horse has been in the stall for a lonnnnnnng time.