ok it is really long. i need to rewrite it but i doubt i will get around to doing that anytime soon. it is written stream of thought because thats how i write stuff like this.
i feel ready to try and write out the birth story. this will be a bit of a rough draft i suppose but i need to at least write out the rough draft. it is going to be long because the story has a beginning way back before he was ever conceived.
because of events that happened to me in childhood i had always felt my body was a bit broken and that maybe i would never be able to have a baby. i always wanted to be a mom even when i was 4 or 5 i knew i wanted to be a mom someday and when i was that young i would sometimes secretly pretend to be having a baby while going to the bathroom. i never told anyone about that little secret until i got pregnant with dmitry. it turns out my body is pretty good at the whole getting pregnant and making a baby thing but the childhood suff did break it a little. in order for me to be able to do the deed to get pregnant the traditional way i had to do biofeedback therapy for vaginismus. i was with rob for 6 years before we where ever able to have that type of sex. if you count that type of sex as loosing ones virginity then i went a really long time before loosing mine. in high school i realized that my family was messed up and had messed me up and in order to break that cycle of toxicity i would need a lot of therapy so when i got my first job i found a therapist and started spending almost my entire income on therapy a little before that time rob and i started dating. between rob helping me lots of talk therapy and lots of work i did on my own i managed to grow and overcome so many things and i think i have gone from being a survivor of abuse to being a thriver. the pregnancy and giving birth where that last healing thing to push me over from the survivor to thriver line. i will always have my past and i suspect always have some issues and some ptsd type dialog in my head but now when that happens i know exactly what is happening why and what to do about it. it took rob a really long time to feel ready to be a father and i am so glad it did because by the time he was ready i was able to have sex and have it be about love. previously it had been a fun thing but i could not connect the emotion of love to the act of making love. it was the week dmitry was conceived i was finally able to make that connection and it makes me so happy that i was able to conceive him in an act of love that i am shaking and crying with happiness right now. i got pregnant really easily and right away which was shocking i had felt so broken for so long i didn't think i could get pregnant even though i had never had any medical reason to doubt my fertility. pregnancy was not to hard on me the one hard thing was nausea but i think overall it may have been easier for me than most women partly because i didn't need to work and was able to rest or do whatever my body said it needed. we are a lucky family in that rob has an awesome job with great benefits that allow me to be able to not work. i found the third trimester the easiest and up until a few days before he was born was walking several miles a day. the last 2 weeks of pregnancy did however become extremely stresful. i was positive about the edd and he was coming late and my midwifes where not comfortable with me going much past 42 weeks. i have had a lot of bad hospital experiences so the thought of having him in one was terrifying to me and i think the terror i felt may have delayed him coming even more. so on october 26th when i was 42 weeks exactly we went to an acupuncturist and she saw how agitated i was so she decided to focus on helping me to relax and the next day would try and induce labor. it was my first time really experiencing acupuncture and it helped me to feel safer and more relaxed than i had ever felt in my entire life and when it was over she sent us to get pizza and sleep. after having the best pizza i have ever had we went home and i tried to sleep but i kept having digestive issues and contractions. i did get some sleep but not much. when i realized it was real labor and not the stop and go labor i had been having for weeks i became so happy i could not stop laughing and crying and smiling. rob woke up worried because i had just been moaning a lot before that point and he had gotten used to the moaning. i knew my body desperately needed some rest and sleep to have the stamina for labor so i layed in bed trying to sleep and tried to remember how the acupuncture had made me feel and as my body relaxed it felt like spirits where int he room with me and i felt a very real hand gently touch my right foot and at that moment my entire body relaxed and i fell asleep. maybe i was already asleep and it was a dream but whatever it was it felt like an amazingly spiritual event. i had been telling rob for months i wanted to wait as long as possible to call the midwifes so when i told him to call he kept asking me if i was sure and i guess when he called it was around 6:30. from that point on i started to get really animal like i guess it was the reptile brain i read about? i went in the birthing tub for a bit then my eyes landed on the futon in the living room and i went there between contractions my entire body went limp and i almost slept while having contractions i was wild. i knew it was important to vocalize and to make sure i peed enough and there was no way i was making it to the bathroom and back so i peed on the blanket i was on and made the loudest most wild sounds i have ever heard. i had no idea i was capable of sounding like that. i was extremely active. when the midwife finally got here she checked me said i was very open and i guess said something to rob about me not needing to do anything different that i was listening to my body so she went around the house preparing things. i am glad i was left alone anyone talking to me would start to get me out of that reptile brain place and i really needed to be in that place. at some point i almost ran to the birthing tub where i went limp during breaks but was practically doing flips during contractions. at some point i had a brief thought of damn i want drugs and it is to late to get any. i think the pain of the contractions had lost it's initial charm at that point
i tried to keep my sense of humor when i did talk i tried to say funny things mostly i focussed inward and just did what i needed to do. at some point the water broke and it was clear and i was so relieved and then at some point i felt a mushy hairy thing and i had no idea their heads feel so mushy coming through so i took quiet a while before telling anyone his head was coming. the midwife had rob get in the tub with me so he could tell her how much head and the other midwife showed up. i guess they felt for a water birth it was taking a little to long to get him out so they told me i needed to get on a birthing stool. i don't know how i got on the stool but i did and they told me to make grunting sounds instead of moaning sounds and i had to sort of think about how to do that for a moment but then i was able to and he came out pretty fast and all of the sudden i had this perfect little person in my lap. there was some concern about blood loss and i got a shot in the leg and something about a placenta it was all a blur and i was in bed and i guess part of the bag didn't want to come out but it did eventually i was pretty oblivious to what the midwifes where doing and just starring at my son. i checked to see if he was a son so i would know what name to call him. i said it's dmitry and no one had seen me check so the midwifes where surprised i knew. i was in bed with him and rob and i think in total shock. at some point they had me sit on the birthing stool to pee but instead of peeing i started to faint. there was yelling for me to open my eyes and talk to them so i did and back in bed i went. the midwifes did various other things for a while and i spent that time with dmitry in shock and bliss and at some point they said i should try and pee in the shower but when they got me standing up i started to faint again so back to bed i went and got a catheter. i told them since i had never had one i wasn't afraid. it was unpleasant but i was so high still it was ok. i kept telling dmitry how rob and i made him out of love and how he was perfect and no matter how he had come out he would be perfect and how much we loved him. the midwifes where concerned about my inability to sit or stand up without almost fainting and i think where pondering if i needed to go to the hospital. the midwifes felt i had not lost so much blood for how my body was reacting and we sort of decided it was related to sever lack of sleep that i was having so much trouble. at some point i was shown my tear and given a choice of stitches or not. dmitry took a small chunk of me with him on his way out and my tear is long and straight and just where an episiotomy would be but it is only skin deep does not go into muscle or anything else at all. i was told if i did not get stitches i would need to stay in bed with my legs closed for 2 weeks if i did get stitches then i might get out of bed a week sooner. i chose to forgo the stitches since i wanted to baby moon anyways. before the midwifes left they set up the room so i could pee next to the bed without having to even stand up since they where worried i would faint if i tried and set up a bunch of other stuff and told rob how to care for me and that he had to care for me so i could care for dmitry. before dmitry was born rob had never held a baby. not a toddler not a baby of any age at all! i had held very few babies. poor dmitry has had to deal with us fumbling parents learning everything as we go. i think we are learning fast though and dmitry seems to be mostly happy and very strong and healthy. i am healing really well and fast my midwifes gave me the ok to leave the house on monday to see my chiropractor (my back keeps spasming). last night i got out and hand mirror and looked at myself and my midwifes say when they look at me i could pass as a women who has never had a child and they seem so impressed but i think it was kind of traumatic for me to see how different everything looks (had some old ptsd type feelings come up when i saw everything). i am extremely sore and if rob had to be working right now i would be lost. i really can't do much but in a way i think that is mother natures way of ensuring i spend this time bonding with my son. i feel like i learned so much about what my body is capable of and trusting my instincts and my body and i feel so proud of myself and like my son is so perfect.
dmitry robin he came at 42 weeks 1 day he was 8 pounds 6 ounces and a little over 22 inches long (my midwifes are impressed by this since he is my first and i am 4 foot 10 inches tall)
i will post some photos later.
i feel ready to try and write out the birth story. this will be a bit of a rough draft i suppose but i need to at least write out the rough draft. it is going to be long because the story has a beginning way back before he was ever conceived.
because of events that happened to me in childhood i had always felt my body was a bit broken and that maybe i would never be able to have a baby. i always wanted to be a mom even when i was 4 or 5 i knew i wanted to be a mom someday and when i was that young i would sometimes secretly pretend to be having a baby while going to the bathroom. i never told anyone about that little secret until i got pregnant with dmitry. it turns out my body is pretty good at the whole getting pregnant and making a baby thing but the childhood suff did break it a little. in order for me to be able to do the deed to get pregnant the traditional way i had to do biofeedback therapy for vaginismus. i was with rob for 6 years before we where ever able to have that type of sex. if you count that type of sex as loosing ones virginity then i went a really long time before loosing mine. in high school i realized that my family was messed up and had messed me up and in order to break that cycle of toxicity i would need a lot of therapy so when i got my first job i found a therapist and started spending almost my entire income on therapy a little before that time rob and i started dating. between rob helping me lots of talk therapy and lots of work i did on my own i managed to grow and overcome so many things and i think i have gone from being a survivor of abuse to being a thriver. the pregnancy and giving birth where that last healing thing to push me over from the survivor to thriver line. i will always have my past and i suspect always have some issues and some ptsd type dialog in my head but now when that happens i know exactly what is happening why and what to do about it. it took rob a really long time to feel ready to be a father and i am so glad it did because by the time he was ready i was able to have sex and have it be about love. previously it had been a fun thing but i could not connect the emotion of love to the act of making love. it was the week dmitry was conceived i was finally able to make that connection and it makes me so happy that i was able to conceive him in an act of love that i am shaking and crying with happiness right now. i got pregnant really easily and right away which was shocking i had felt so broken for so long i didn't think i could get pregnant even though i had never had any medical reason to doubt my fertility. pregnancy was not to hard on me the one hard thing was nausea but i think overall it may have been easier for me than most women partly because i didn't need to work and was able to rest or do whatever my body said it needed. we are a lucky family in that rob has an awesome job with great benefits that allow me to be able to not work. i found the third trimester the easiest and up until a few days before he was born was walking several miles a day. the last 2 weeks of pregnancy did however become extremely stresful. i was positive about the edd and he was coming late and my midwifes where not comfortable with me going much past 42 weeks. i have had a lot of bad hospital experiences so the thought of having him in one was terrifying to me and i think the terror i felt may have delayed him coming even more. so on october 26th when i was 42 weeks exactly we went to an acupuncturist and she saw how agitated i was so she decided to focus on helping me to relax and the next day would try and induce labor. it was my first time really experiencing acupuncture and it helped me to feel safer and more relaxed than i had ever felt in my entire life and when it was over she sent us to get pizza and sleep. after having the best pizza i have ever had we went home and i tried to sleep but i kept having digestive issues and contractions. i did get some sleep but not much. when i realized it was real labor and not the stop and go labor i had been having for weeks i became so happy i could not stop laughing and crying and smiling. rob woke up worried because i had just been moaning a lot before that point and he had gotten used to the moaning. i knew my body desperately needed some rest and sleep to have the stamina for labor so i layed in bed trying to sleep and tried to remember how the acupuncture had made me feel and as my body relaxed it felt like spirits where int he room with me and i felt a very real hand gently touch my right foot and at that moment my entire body relaxed and i fell asleep. maybe i was already asleep and it was a dream but whatever it was it felt like an amazingly spiritual event. i had been telling rob for months i wanted to wait as long as possible to call the midwifes so when i told him to call he kept asking me if i was sure and i guess when he called it was around 6:30. from that point on i started to get really animal like i guess it was the reptile brain i read about? i went in the birthing tub for a bit then my eyes landed on the futon in the living room and i went there between contractions my entire body went limp and i almost slept while having contractions i was wild. i knew it was important to vocalize and to make sure i peed enough and there was no way i was making it to the bathroom and back so i peed on the blanket i was on and made the loudest most wild sounds i have ever heard. i had no idea i was capable of sounding like that. i was extremely active. when the midwife finally got here she checked me said i was very open and i guess said something to rob about me not needing to do anything different that i was listening to my body so she went around the house preparing things. i am glad i was left alone anyone talking to me would start to get me out of that reptile brain place and i really needed to be in that place. at some point i almost ran to the birthing tub where i went limp during breaks but was practically doing flips during contractions. at some point i had a brief thought of damn i want drugs and it is to late to get any. i think the pain of the contractions had lost it's initial charm at that point
i tried to keep my sense of humor when i did talk i tried to say funny things mostly i focussed inward and just did what i needed to do. at some point the water broke and it was clear and i was so relieved and then at some point i felt a mushy hairy thing and i had no idea their heads feel so mushy coming through so i took quiet a while before telling anyone his head was coming. the midwife had rob get in the tub with me so he could tell her how much head and the other midwife showed up. i guess they felt for a water birth it was taking a little to long to get him out so they told me i needed to get on a birthing stool. i don't know how i got on the stool but i did and they told me to make grunting sounds instead of moaning sounds and i had to sort of think about how to do that for a moment but then i was able to and he came out pretty fast and all of the sudden i had this perfect little person in my lap. there was some concern about blood loss and i got a shot in the leg and something about a placenta it was all a blur and i was in bed and i guess part of the bag didn't want to come out but it did eventually i was pretty oblivious to what the midwifes where doing and just starring at my son. i checked to see if he was a son so i would know what name to call him. i said it's dmitry and no one had seen me check so the midwifes where surprised i knew. i was in bed with him and rob and i think in total shock. at some point they had me sit on the birthing stool to pee but instead of peeing i started to faint. there was yelling for me to open my eyes and talk to them so i did and back in bed i went. the midwifes did various other things for a while and i spent that time with dmitry in shock and bliss and at some point they said i should try and pee in the shower but when they got me standing up i started to faint again so back to bed i went and got a catheter. i told them since i had never had one i wasn't afraid. it was unpleasant but i was so high still it was ok. i kept telling dmitry how rob and i made him out of love and how he was perfect and no matter how he had come out he would be perfect and how much we loved him. the midwifes where concerned about my inability to sit or stand up without almost fainting and i think where pondering if i needed to go to the hospital. the midwifes felt i had not lost so much blood for how my body was reacting and we sort of decided it was related to sever lack of sleep that i was having so much trouble. at some point i was shown my tear and given a choice of stitches or not. dmitry took a small chunk of me with him on his way out and my tear is long and straight and just where an episiotomy would be but it is only skin deep does not go into muscle or anything else at all. i was told if i did not get stitches i would need to stay in bed with my legs closed for 2 weeks if i did get stitches then i might get out of bed a week sooner. i chose to forgo the stitches since i wanted to baby moon anyways. before the midwifes left they set up the room so i could pee next to the bed without having to even stand up since they where worried i would faint if i tried and set up a bunch of other stuff and told rob how to care for me and that he had to care for me so i could care for dmitry. before dmitry was born rob had never held a baby. not a toddler not a baby of any age at all! i had held very few babies. poor dmitry has had to deal with us fumbling parents learning everything as we go. i think we are learning fast though and dmitry seems to be mostly happy and very strong and healthy. i am healing really well and fast my midwifes gave me the ok to leave the house on monday to see my chiropractor (my back keeps spasming). last night i got out and hand mirror and looked at myself and my midwifes say when they look at me i could pass as a women who has never had a child and they seem so impressed but i think it was kind of traumatic for me to see how different everything looks (had some old ptsd type feelings come up when i saw everything). i am extremely sore and if rob had to be working right now i would be lost. i really can't do much but in a way i think that is mother natures way of ensuring i spend this time bonding with my son. i feel like i learned so much about what my body is capable of and trusting my instincts and my body and i feel so proud of myself and like my son is so perfect.dmitry robin he came at 42 weeks 1 day he was 8 pounds 6 ounces and a little over 22 inches long (my midwifes are impressed by this since he is my first and i am 4 foot 10 inches tall)
i will post some photos later.
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