how to UNDO the spankings... - Page 2

[MommyHawk]

Originally Posted by peacelovingmama

Gentle with your son, gentle with yourself.

this I need to remember I've actually been taking my own time outs - go into my room, close the door, and lay down until I cool off and can think straight. 3 is hard and it's not his fault. I just can't be perfect 100% of the time and that is OK! I will keep reminding myself of this

I think the apologies, for whatever reason, are always great and bring us closer together. I never NEVER got those growing up...or even now...I think that is what was missing all along (and still). I can see it in my DS's face and body, the moment I or someone else apologizes for whatever reason, it totally releases all the tension in him and he can feel close and safe again with that person.

[mamahart]

I like this thread because it is a very real genuine topic, I was taught at some point that guilt comes in 2 varieties and one is motivational guilt where you are moved to change a behavior or act. The other kind is the one that is not productive and makes you feel like s*** all the time. The productive, motivational realization that you can do better better all the time can be very inspiring and exciting. I find this re-evaluation particularly important with my older child as it gets more complicated and mistakes become more subtle and difficult to distinguish or resolve.

mommyhawk- I call those moments "time-ins" and my kids both know that if I shut myself in the bathroom or bedroom or outside with a request for "a minute to myself" it's for everyones benefit. I love time-ins.

[wsgrl84]

thanks for posting this.

I feel like a terrible mom when I get upset with my DS, and it's all usually because I am overwhelmed with being a SAHM for my 2 boys. Not to many times, but it does happen...the yelling and spanking.

What can I do? I can't exactly put on a happy face 24/7 now can I?

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by wsgrl84

thanks for posting this.

I feel like a terrible mom when I get upset with my DS, and it's all usually because I am overwhelmed with being a SAHM for my 2 boys. Not to many times, but it does happen...the yelling and spanking.

What can I do? I can't exactly put on a happy face 24/7 now can I?

I think the first thing you can do is recognize when you need a break/some help/more sleep/etc. I've found, as you describe, that when I get short with my oldest, it's because I'm running at a deficit.

I don't think putting on a "happy face" works very often. And, I'm wondering if that's what we want to model for our kids. We all get tired or cranky and need to take care of ourselves to recharge. I think this is an opportunity to model self-awareness and self-care for our kids.

This has taken me a long time to work through with my own kids. When I had my second, the sleep deprivation from all-night nursing really challenged my ability to be patient and not lose my temper with my oldest. When I would get to the point of yelling (and my child feeling very scared and crying), I realized this is not ok. So from that point on, we all talk about our feelings and self-care a lot. We've always talked about feelings, but now it's more about these more negative feelings and how to take care of ourselves during those times. It's been a really good learning and growing opportunity for all of us. I, of course, struggled with a lot of guilt but realized that I'm only human and by talking about it (that must be my kiddo's love language!) and recharging when I need to, it's all brought us even closer (I never thought this was possible!).

Honestly, it's the tough times and rocky roads that really pull us together so tightly. I feel that the agony of sleep deprivation is a lot of what really bonded me with my babes...we were in this together and it was challenging but a real labor of love. Discipline is the same. We hit those tough times, but we walk the road of it together and come out more self-aware. I think the important thing is to face what happened, learn from it (that might mean looking back to one's own childhood) and moving on with a plan to make sure we don't repeat our mistakes.

Don't beat yourself up. You're human. And the important thing is that you are sorry and don't want to do it anymore.

[apple_dumpling]

I second and third the pp's who have said to apologize. It really does go a long way - it's something my mother always did when she was wrong (wasn't often, but still... ) and I really admired her for it, and I still do. It's also something my father NEVER did and there were lots of times we would just get locked in a battle because of it. I'm sorry are two little words that really go a long way to heal wounds

I know you will be able to make a change for the better - and it obviously took a little bit of courage to make this post and ask for help/suggestions. We do all make mistakes - there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and admitting them and wanting to change is a point that most people never even get to. I'm certainly no AP/NFL saint myself... but hitting my child is one thing on a short list of things that I have vowed never to do for many, many reasons. It is tough to control anger and impulse sometimes, and I think being able to control your own emotions is one of the hardest things to do

[monkey's mom]

Haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to touch on the "happy face" part. I think it's a disservice to do that, also. I struggle with the urge to hit and have hit before. But one of the things that I think works well when I get to that awful place is to tell my kids, "I am REALLY angry right now and I totally feel like hitting. Please move away from me as I try to calm down." I did this a lot after my second was born and it generally came out through gritted teeth, but my son watched me "use my words," try my best to protect him (and mostly I would have him move when I was nursing the baby or immobile--otherwise I walk away), and practice some breathing/calm down techniques. And that's been very useful for the times when he's been angry and wanting to hit--he's seen how anger and feeling like hitting can happen and how we can deal with it in a way that (hopefully) spares those around you. And then we talk about it and apologize and discuss how/why we were SO ANGRY in that moment. And he knows that our parents (dh and me) hit us and we are REALLY trying to not hitting them--even if sometimes we FEEL like it.