Preparing DP for our own birth

[Alison Cole]

So, my DP has been with me for many of my years journeying toward midwifery, giving him a bit of a perspective on this whole childbirth thing. Now we are expecting our own first babe. He says that the most important thing to him regarding the birth is that I have a birth that is satisfying to me and that nobody dies; beyond that he doesn't feel that strongly about any particular aspect of it. He's fully behind birthing at home, and wants to be supportive of me during the birth, he's coming to MW visits, and is game for (though not stoked about) attending CBE. He feels like nothing can really prepare him for the birth of our child, though, and because of this, doesn't feel like it's especially important to consider it all ahead of time. My concern is that with this attitude, he'll go merrily along until things get intense, and then freeze, and be unable to be there for me when I need him. I'm a big believer in processing, and tend to want to talk about every little thing ahead of time. He is willing and able to go with the flow in life a little more, and makes the (valid) points that he rarely gets overwhelmed and is pretty good at thinking on his feet. So the long preamble comes to the question:

Is there such a thing (for the partner) as being prepared for the birth of one's child? How do you achieve it? With me being so passionate and informed about birth, how do I carve out space for DP to find his own preferences and role in the birth of our child? Do I even need to worry about this? Is living with a MW student/doula preparation enough? Is CBE necessary? Etc. Any insight/experiences much appreciated.

Many thanks.

[Reha]

He is prepared already, imo, in 2 ways: he is your partner and loves you and your baby; and 2, he doesn't seem to be scared of birth, but sees it as a normal part of life (that is what it seems like, anyhow, based on what you said).

I think that just letting him know what your expectations are for him during the birth (do you just want him next to you? massage? fill up the pool?) is important and knowing that the two of you will find your rhythm once labor begins.

I have seen some first time dads who come to only a few appointments, never take an CBE, and maybe watch a birth video or two go on to so smoothly be present and relaxed at the birth, just supporting their partner.

That was the case with my own dh, so I guess my advice is shaded by my experience. I remember that after my son was born, while talking with dh about the birth, he said that the only thing that he was glad that he knew before hand was what color babies tend to be at birth. We watched a birth video while I was pregnant (A Clear Road to Birth), and in it, a baby is born looking rather blueish/purplish. DH remarked about it at the time, pretty amazed. So, it really stuck with him all the way to our birth. Knowing what is normal is good.

[Malga]

From watching many DPs, SO, etc. in labor I have found that it really has nothing to do with the "training" before hand. People have their personalities and traits that seem to lead them with what to do during the birth. I have seen many DPs that probably never attended a prenatal appt and never attended childbirth class be wonderful and I have seen the opposite. So, I guess I don't have any advice for you. I think doing a CBE is helpful because it gives them an idea of what to expect, the normal course of labor, etc. but it won't train them to be a "coach" or a doula or be supportive in the way a woman can-- its just not in their make-up usually.

[Mamabeakley]

I think CBE can be great for dads who feel this way because it sets a specific time and place for them to think about birth in a supportive environment. And they can get to know other people who are doing this thing. Because your DH already knows a fair amount about normal birth (by osmosis just from being around you) I would suggest that a class focused on the emotional/spiritual aspects of birth and new parenthood rather than on the physical stages and phases might be most helpful. I just taught my first () CBE last night, based on (though not yet affiliated with) Birthing From Within. My class is going to focus mainly on the emotional/spiritual - both couples in it have/are going to take more "mainstream" classes as well, but decided that this perspective was different and something they wanted.