OK, I'm coming back to post the results of my latest experiment 
About a month ago I was on here bewailing dd's most recent descent into really rude behavior and decided it was time for some "negative" reinforcement i.e. giving her 8 points at the beginning of the week and subtracting one when she has a kneejerk rude reaction instead of discussing/negotiating with me over an issue. If she loses them all by the weekend, no going out that weekend. I've done this before and I know perfectly well she'll never lose all 8 points, so there's no actual punishment involved, and it does seem to cut down on arguing/rudeness.
Well, sledg suggested "positive" reinforcement instead, meaning a marble jar; every time she does polite behavior she gets to put a marble in the jar, and when it is full, she gets a special treat. So I decided to try both.
Results are in: we have totally forgotten about the negative points, and the marble jar is going strong.
I made it with a lot of marbles, so it took her three weeks to fill it. Then we went out for a special mommy-daughter day and I bought her a box of chocolates. She's now happily working on filling it again. It does help her to be more aware of how she interacts with people.
The negative points, on the other hand, I realize are really only helpful for ME. Since it tends to stop dd in her tracks when she hears she's "lost a point", it was useful in that it helped me not to get drawn into an argument with her and lose my temper. But I realize now that I can avoid that by simply saying gently "I will not argue with you about this", then restating my expectation and going on with life. I don't need the points anymore; probably she never needed them.
Thanks, sledg!
About a month ago I was on here bewailing dd's most recent descent into really rude behavior and decided it was time for some "negative" reinforcement i.e. giving her 8 points at the beginning of the week and subtracting one when she has a kneejerk rude reaction instead of discussing/negotiating with me over an issue. If she loses them all by the weekend, no going out that weekend. I've done this before and I know perfectly well she'll never lose all 8 points, so there's no actual punishment involved, and it does seem to cut down on arguing/rudeness.
Well, sledg suggested "positive" reinforcement instead, meaning a marble jar; every time she does polite behavior she gets to put a marble in the jar, and when it is full, she gets a special treat. So I decided to try both.
Results are in: we have totally forgotten about the negative points, and the marble jar is going strong.
I made it with a lot of marbles, so it took her three weeks to fill it. Then we went out for a special mommy-daughter day and I bought her a box of chocolates. She's now happily working on filling it again. It does help her to be more aware of how she interacts with people.
The negative points, on the other hand, I realize are really only helpful for ME. Since it tends to stop dd in her tracks when she hears she's "lost a point", it was useful in that it helped me not to get drawn into an argument with her and lose my temper. But I realize now that I can avoid that by simply saying gently "I will not argue with you about this", then restating my expectation and going on with life. I don't need the points anymore; probably she never needed them.
Thanks, sledg!
.
