Ds1 (6) is mean, legacy of abuse or normal?

[lilgreen]

I am very GD in my approach with ds1 (almost 6). for the past year or so, though, he has been very mean to me at times. For example, last night he wanted a bedtime snack in bed, which we don't do. He gave me the dirtiest look and told me I'm 'stupid,' refused to go to bed and threw the book at me.

Now, obviously he's still learning to verbalize his strong emotions. But, I'm just wondering if this is still considered normal. He does things like this regularly. My dh was verbally and emotionally abusive up until about 6 or 7 months ago and I'm constantly afraid of the lasting effects of this on ds1 who witnessed and experienced much of this. He sure 'listens' when dh tells him to do something or that he can't have something (ds1 is clearly still scared of dh). But with me, ds1 is totally defiant, rude and mean.

I am very calm and gd in my reaction with ds, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Is this normal for his age? Should I be concerned about the lasting effects of abuse?

I just want to add that he is an incredibly loving, cuddly, caring, compassionate boy 90-95% of the time and ALWAYS sincerely tells me he's sorry after an episode of being mean.

Thanks!

[Thao]

I'm sure his father's bad example plays a role, but if his father has openly recognized how wrong his behavior was and is now taking steps to change it, hopefully that will ultimately be a good example for him. Have you and your dh talked to him about what is going on? Something along the lines of "daddy knows he was wrong to XYZ and now his is working to change his behavior"?

If he's only doing this 5% of the time, and apologizes afterwards, it doesn't sound out of the realm of normal to me. My dd is rude to me occasionally but she generally doesn't apologize.

[LynnS6]

I too think it's within the range of normal, but I would still be worried about the legacy of abuse that he's witnessed. What steps have been taken so that you can you heal as a family? Would you consider family counseling to help everyone process what happened with your dh and to build better relationships?

I'm particularly worried by the fact that he's still afraid of his dad. The fact that he 'loses it' with you is probably a GOOD sign - kids don't lose it with people they don't feel completely comfortable with or who they think love them conditionally. That's why they're usually better behaved for people outside the family. But being afraid of dad is not good - and that's something you might want to address.

[amberskyfire]

If he learned it from your dh, then maybe you should talk to dh about talking to him. It's one thing for you to talk to him, but it's quite another for his dad to sit down with him and tell him about how he's acting, how he may have seen dad doing it and about how it's not right and hurts people. Maybe hearing about how he should treat women, especially mommy with love and affection will mean more coming from the person he obviously sees as a role model

(NOT that he doesn't see you as a role model, too of course!)

[MtBikeLover]

My husband has and does verbally and emotionally abuse me and my son has witnessed his daddy yelling at me numerous times. My son also displays the type of behavior that your son does and he also only gets angry like that with me. My husband loves to tell me that DS never acts that way with him and blames my parenting on the fact that he only acts out with me.

I agree with Lynn that he feels safe with you and that is why he acts out. My son is much more connected to me than to my husband and tells me things that he never tells daddy. He is more emotional with me than his dad. Most of the time that emotion is great because it is hugs and kisses and cuddles...but the other 5% of the time it is angry emotions like you describe.

[mamaduck]

I think its extra hard to know how to respond when there is trauma in a child's past that may account for negative behavior. There is really no way to tell for sure how much is normal, and how much is trauma induced.

The thing is though, that your responses to his negative behaviors probably need to be the same either way. The empathy and understanding that you have toward him is important for healing and maintaining your relationship, but your boundaries and expectations need to be the same no matter what happened.

It is really easy to overlook hurtful behavior because you feel bad, sorry, or guilty, but it doesn't help him learn and grow. There needs to be a process of learning to take responsibility, make ammends, and trying to do better going foward.

If I were you, I would come up with a strategy or way that you will handle his episodes, and respond consistantly every time. I'm not just talking about being calm and quiet, but more about holding him accountable in some way, and protecting your boundaries. In fact, I don't think it is necessary to be calm and quiet if that is not how you are feeling on the inside. You can show him how you are feeling, as long as you don't insult or shame him.

[D_McG]

Is your family in therapy? I remember your post from before about your son's abuse by your husband. (where your son was so afraid). I hope you are all getting some good professional help.