Being a B*$%^ doesn't help

[rhemp]

I'm really pretty steamed at a friend of mine. I know I shouldn't have told her this story but I did and then got mowed over.
I was at the grocery store yesterday and witnessed a display of very ineffective discipline. A mother with 3 older kids and a toddler was standing in line about 6 lines down. The toddler was SCREAMING and trying to climb out of the cart. The mother was bright red with embarrassment. She took the kid out of the cart and after a few seconds (eternity to her, I'm sure) when he didn't cease the screaming, she set him down and smacked his butt telling him to quit crying. : He ran away from her and she tried to lure him back with M&Ms and then sent the oldest girl after him to "show him the M&Ms" and bring him back. Which didn't work and ended up creating more of a spectacle.
I didnt say anything to her. I wish I had. I wish I'd left my cart and went to offer her some help. I wish I'd hollered Wait, when she raised her hand and then offered to hold him while she checked out. I wish I'd done something. She didn't wallop him, didn't physically hurt him. She was embarrased, frustrated and all the other stuff that comes with toddlerhood. And she made a poor choice (or 2 or 3.) But I was 6 aisles away with my toddler and my own cart of groceries. And I'm SO anticonfrontational (how's that for a new word?) it's not even funny.
Then I told my best AP friend about it. She (who is ALWAYS right, a trait that is beginning to tick me off) went off on how she would have made the woman feel like crap for being such a sh^*ty parent in public. And how she would have called the cops for child abuse. Etc. When I said I don't think that would have really helped the situation, she said "Being APATHETIC doesn't help anything either."
I wasn't being apathetic. I wanted to be empathetic but couldn't bring myself to step into the situation. I know I'm a chickensh*& but that doesn't mean I don't care! GRRRR.
I basically ended the conversation there as I couldn't think of anything decent to say after that.

[carmen veranda]

Nope, being a b*tch to an overwhelmed embarrassed mother would not have helped. Calling the cops would not have helped. Confronting her? I doubt it would have helped. Offering to help? May have helped. Sometimes mamma's are just overwhelmed and it sucks to have to take everyone to the store. I imagine she might not have the most supportive situation to begin with, or she would have not had to take everyone to the store. It seems, from your story, that she was very concerned about what everyone else was thinking, and the stress of that is horrible. Maybe a quiet, "I've been there. It's hard. You are doing ok. I don't think anyone cares if he cries. Most people have had screaming kids at the store. Can I help you in any way?" would have helped, maybe not. And if you are uncomfortable saying that, then maybe just strong vibes of love (or a prayer~ however you believe) to the whole family would be the most that you could do. And there is nothing wrong with that. It seems like big talk from your friend. Where is her compassion? Not all mamma's are perfect examples of AP parenting, but it seem like they could never get there by being publicly humilitated and punished. Is your friend treating this other mamma as she would like to be treated? How can one be *so* AP and not extend that same warmth to other mothers?
Sometimes, I am shocked at the judgement extended to mom's who aren't quite on the same page. The prayer you said, or the love you sent, may have reached her heart. Calling the cops definitly would not have.

[sylviamama]

I heard from an ECE instructor who was also involved with DSS, OCCS, etc. that the abosolute worse thing you can do is make the parent feel that she/he has done something wrong. You'll get an earful, and the child will get even worse later for "embarrassing mom/dad at the store". Shaming, smacking, whatever the parent decides to do to let off the steam created by being singled out in public by a perfect stranger.

Your heart was definitely in the right place, wanting to help. It's easiest for another parent to empathize, but difficult to lend a helping hand when you've got your own in tow. You said you were anticonfrontational, but it wouldn't have been confrontational to ask if she needed any help. Maybe asking a store staff person to assist her because you've noticed she could use it - they should be aware of customers struggling anyway and offer help, but another customer asking them to step in and do something would light a fire under them - especially if you asked someone managing or at the customer service desk. What store employee wouldn't help someone in a wheelchair unload groceries from a cart (or whatever) - they should do the same for a mother who has 4 kids in tow, one of which is in her arms.

[Leonor]

I think it's better not to step in, than doing something that, as others already pointed, would only be bad for everyone.

When sometimes I'm shopping it would help if actually people wouldn't stare so much if my kid happens to cry. I do my best to make shopping as quick and as fun as possible for everyone, but sometimes he gets tired in the end.

I'm usually too shy for this, but sometimes, it helps explaining other people why my child is crying, saying "he's just tired" or something.

[granolamom]

The only time I have really stepped i was when a father had placed his hand FIRMLY over a screaming one year olds mouth and nose at the same time spanking the hell out of her..These folks I followed home...called the cops....found out they had past charges of abuse!!!

Usually I say something like.....
" He/she is so adorable but they can be a hand full at this age..I know, I have four...can I help you with anything??"
I have seen many parents relax at his point when they realize they are not alone and we have all been there.........

Peace to you....and I do alwasy seend paryers, light an dlove to any child whoes mama is so very stressed...if you want some practice...spend a few hours at Walmart!!!!!

Granolamom

[rhemp]

Thanks for the support, ya'all. I needed it.