Physical response to toddler

[mamahart]

So this began as a response to another thread and I realized I had my own issues....So I don't want to get flamed......
Wow! Am I terrible? EVERYTIME we go to the little elementary school with my 2+ yr old he SCREAMS when it is time to go. He just love love loves it there and never wants to leave. I try all the "tricks" each time we have to go but I consistently end up picking him up and carrying him out against his will.
So WWYD mamas? Not go? He LOVES being there and it is k-6 with 13 students- a one room schoolhouse if you will...family is welcome with the little ones and we can participate in big sisters activities once or twice a week. Sometimes I can see him TRY and control his dissappointment, say goodbye and climb in my arms..but he wells up with tears and gets sad or angry with me for taking him away. I always stay calm and positive and acknowledge his feelings. But I do have to basically physically remove the poor little guy, he will not come of his own will.
Although I would love suggestions like have something fun in the car etc etc- what I am really interested in is how/when/if we have the "right" to enforce our will on our toddler?
I have occasionally restrained a child who is really angry and swinging- but always gently/calmly with lots of explaining ..."as soon as you feel calm I would love to talk to you about this...etc" But that is a little different.
I don't spank or punish...but I do use natural consequences..and I am just not sure of the nat'l consequense with my little boy
Then there is the part where he is 2, and it will change, and I just have to repeat the same things 6 1/2 billion times until he understands. :

[JamieCatheryn]

Maybe if there's any way to leave at a better time, like before he's overtired maybe? Snacks in the car might help him change gears and look forward to the trip home too. My vote is yes you have the right to enforce your will any time, it's just kind to do it gently as possible.

[AntoninBeGonin]

I *think* that you should just keep doing what you're doing. Continue to emphasize what is important to you. Focus on the fun he's had while he's there and tell him what he can look forward to once he gets home. It might not be apparent yet, but he is learning a lot from these trips.

[crb]

Although I would love suggestions like have something fun in the car etc etc- what I am really interested in is how/when/if we have the "right" to enforce our will on our toddler?

I think you'll get some thoughtful responses/suggestions from the Consensual Living mamas out there . . .

Generally, unless it is truly dangerous or harmful, I would say give the child some space to be a person and try to anticipate problems as much as possible. I would say that it is probably a stressful interaction for you - you want to go and not disrupt others and perhaps feel judged by the teacher or others, while your child is having fun and doesn't see the social "rules" around you. Toddlers are very much in the moment and have trouble thinking about the future and what is next.

So I find it helpful to announce that time is coming to leave, when told "No" there is time to say "Oh, would you like to play __ one more time?" and actually get in and play with him - then the fun is with you rather than with the place and he can take that part of the fun with him. Then I try to have something really fun waiting - would he be excited to blow bubbles outside before you go? Or get a snack in the car while going to a playground? Or be carried out by a Mommy choo choo train?

So I guess my vote would be not to force compliance but to build connection. And if he still put up a big fuss . . . well I'll be excited to read other suggestions. . .

Sometimes I can see him TRY and control his dissappointment, say goodbye and climb in my arms..but he wells up with tears and gets sad or angry with me for taking him away. I always stay calm and positive and acknowledge his feelings. But I do have to basically physically remove the poor little guy, he will not come of his own will.

I think that if he is agreeing to leave, but is sad and upset - that is different - that requires sympathy and hugs and "I know it is so hard to go!" I wouldn't expect a child to actually walk away from fun without some guidance or holding - but there is holding in comfort and holding in restraint - so it would make a difference to me which one was happening.

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by mamahart

Although I would love suggestions like have something fun in the car etc etc- what I am really interested in is how/when/if we have the "right" to enforce our will on our toddler?

The right? Sure.

But there might be some undesirable consequences for you if you exercise that "right," you know?

Like, a kid who is more frustrated, more prone to freak-out when it's time to go, more likely to run from you when he sees you coming at the end of the fun event, etc.

For me, those consequences push me more in the direction of ditching the thinking that "I have the right to enforce my will" (on anyone, really), and moving toward having my will and the other person's will "meet in the middle."

I have a kid who is loathe to transition! I have a ton of things we've tried if you're interested. And you might want to check out the book "Raising YOur Spirited Child" for some great insight and ideas re. kids (and adults, like me!) who have trouble with transitions.

[mamahart]

I really enjoy all the responses. I have not had success with the what comes next....but the kids help when they send a special toy along with him, and sometimes the teachers let him take whatever he is playing with home for a few days. I just have had my curiousity sparked by some of the what I see as extreme ideas of consenual living- I am sort of contemplating the intersection of these concepts with gentle discipline and natural consequences.

[rainyday]

One thing that worked really well for us at about that age was to turn it into a race. I'd say something like, " I wonder if you can run over and grab my hand by the time I count to five" or "Do you think you can get to that big tree by the time I count to six?" My DS always loved to try to beat whatever number I said. He wasn't a kid who would run away, though, or I wouldn't have been able to choose a destination ahead of me!

I agree with the other posters that it helps to give warnings that you're going to leave soon. I would also often give him one or two more turns to do what he wanted like two more times to go down the slide, now one more, now can you run to that tree?

Having a snack that he looks forward to can also help ease the transition sometimes: Ooh, let's hurry back to the car and then you can have your ____ after you're buckled in! Do you think you can run over here and grab my hand before I count to five? I bet you can! Do you think you're fast enough to get here by five? Great! Now, let's run to the car - do you think we can get there by the time we count to eight?

I still use counting with DS when he's dawdling at something, and it still works - at age 5.5! It also still works eerily well with his friends - they love to compete and win, even if it's just against a number!

[Vancouver Mommy]

Well, we do the "countdown" at ten, five and two minutes till we have to go, and as we get near the time to leave I get her to say goodbye to the kids (or the swing, or the slide, or whatever) and then we go. Sometimes it's a bit of a struggle, but usually she's OK with it. This is a bit mean, but I also don't bring snacks, so I use her hunger as a motivator to get out of the park and on our way home.

I've often felt the way you do though, especially when my decision to leave is completely arbitrary and we don't really have to be anywhere in particular. But once I've made the decision to go I try to stick with it and keep things moving along, for the sake of consistency if nothing else.