For those of you who have no-present birthday parties...

[zeldamomma]

Would you prefer that your child not be invited to a birthday party where gifts will be given?

My dd's birthday is coming up and we aren't doing the no-gift thing because IME, my children and the kids we invite enjoy giving and receiving gifts. But we have recently met a family who feels strongly about having no-gift parties for their children. If I didn't know that, we would certainly invite them to my dd's party. But now I'm not comfortable inviting them. But I suspect they'll hear about the party, and we like them so I hate to leave them out.

To be honest, I don't really understand the motivation for no-gift birthday parties. My kids give and get small birthday gifts. When they give a gift, they get a lot of pleasure out of choosing something their friend will like, and when they receive a gift, they enjoy knowing that their friend chose it for them. What is the logic behind a no-gift party? Do you not like other people's choices for your kids, or are you trying to limit the amount of stuff your kids have, or is there something else?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to answer!

ZM

[limabean]

I would invite them -- that way you avoid potential hurt feelings, and they can decide not to come if they'd rather avoid having their children see your kids open presents.

[Adasmommy]

I agree--send the invitation and the rest is up to them.

I hadn't heard about no gift birthdays, but I can totally see the appeal. I don't want dd to have more toys than she can care for. I have one toy shelf and try to clear out enough toys (with her agreement) so that we never have more than fit on the shelf.

I am also super picky about her toys and it drives me crazy when she gets something that doesn't fit my values. I don't want plastic toys, MIC toys, battery operated toys, ugly toys . . .

I don't think we'll do no present birthdays, but I can definitely see the appeal!

[guestmama9911]

We do no-gift parties for two reasons - one, our child doesn't need any more crappy toys, and B, I'd rather not deal with the fighting over new toys I sometimes see at other parties for younger children. What we've done instead for the last two years is ask for a $1.00 donation fom guests to put toward a charitable cause.

I imagine that when he gets older he may want gifts if other children get them. I hope to curb some of the useless toys by making themes, like a book party or something.

I would, however, let guests know they are optional, because sometimes it can be very uncomfortable for families with limited funds who may not be able to afford a gift or think their gift might not be very good. So, if you want to invite them, it might take the pressure off to include the statement "gifts are optional" or "gifts are welcome but not necessary."

[Radiodollsct]

I really see the advantages to having a no-gift bday party although I haven't done that (family pressure). But the toys are so expensive and I think it's way too much money to just hand out. My kids have too much stuff. And when they have a lot of friends, it makes it really pricey to get through a year of gift-giving to others..

Theme parties are a good idea. I think that the key is the organization before hand to ensure that the day is super special and the focus in on celebration and not stuff. Themes are a great way to do this. I would plan games and fun that are a spin off of the theme. On Christmas, agree on a price ceiling on gifts and/or a pull the name thing. Creativity is hard when I am exhausted, but it turns out better for me and my children overall.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by alisaterry

I would, however, let guests know they are optional, because sometimes it can be very uncomfortable for families with limited funds who may not be able to afford a gift or think their gift might not be very good. So, if you want to invite them, it might take the pressure off to include the statement "gifts are optional" or "gifts are welcome but not necessary."

I hesitate to do that because I was brought up that it is rude to assume that people will be bringing gifts. For this family, limited funds isn't an issue. I believe it's more of a lifestyle choice.

I have taught my kids that no one ever has to bring a gift, and they will graciously accept whatever someone gives them-- whether it's a hand drawn picture or a $5 toy or whatever else.

I can appreciate wanting to reduce the amount of cr@p in the house, but I think there are good lessons about thoughtfulness, gratitude, and social skills wrapped up in these birthday gift exchanges. I've never seen kids fighting over new toys at a birthday party. But we don't have big parties either. If we were going to invite a lot of kids, I could see suggesting a donation or something instead of overwhelming my kids with new stuff.

ZM

[limabean]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I hesitate to do that because I was brought up that it is rude to assume that people will be bringing gifts.

I agree -- I wouldn't write "gifts optional" or any variation on an invitation either -- that should be a given.

[greeny]

I hesitate to do that because I was brought up that it is rude to assume that people will be bringing gifts.

I agree -- I wouldn't write "gifts optional" or any variation on an invitation either -- that should be a given.

[greeny]

And I would just invite them and let them decide whether to come or not.

[guestmama9911]

Well, I would, and will be, anyway.

[Yooper]

Invite them.

We do no gift parties but attend parties where gifts are given. Unless otherwise specified, people know that the party will include gifts and can decide for themselves whether to attend or not.

As to the logic behind why one would do no gift parties....there are many and it varies widely by person. For us, we have a very small house and really do not want more stuff in it. We care deeply about the environment and feel that excessive things, wrapping, packaging, gas to get present, etc..... is a party-pooper. We have many friends that are not well off financially and do not want to put them in a tight spot. We have BIG parties with lots of families so the "loot pile" would be overwhelming and tedious to watch unwrap. And lastly, the grandmas send dd more presents than one can imagine. It is ridiculous and they WILL NOT negotiate. Dd gets bored of opening presents before she even gets through their pile. Dh and I have not even felt *we* could give dd birthday presents

[tm2840]

Originally Posted by Yooper

Invite them.

We do no gift parties but attend parties where gifts are given. Unless otherwise specified, people know that the party will include gifts and can decide for themselves whether to attend or not.

Hopefully the "gift or no gift" won't matter at all. We don't mind GIVING gifts (we usually give a book, but when we've been broke we've made small gifts as a token).

My kids (going on 5 and 8) don't seem to care that we give other people gifts and we don't have gift parties. They're as acquisitive as the next child, but it hasn't been an issue with birthdays. It's kind of a part of the "every family is different" theme in their eyes, I think.

ETA: My kids would be more upset about NOT being invited than they ever would be about seeing someone get presents for *their own* party.

[mariel0419]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Would you prefer that your child not be invited to a birthday party where gifts will be given?

to answer your question, i think my child would love to be invited to any party and the fact that there will be presents would not be an issue. once he gets old enough to understand, i will explain to him our reasoning for asking for no gifts.

we just had a "in lieu of a gift, please bring a picture of yourself to be part of our scrapbook" 1 year birthday party, BUT 90% of the guests brought gifts anyway. we understand everyone's desire to give a gift, but we have so little space, and want to live simply and just plain don't need to so many needless toys.

funny thing is that 3 of our little friends are also having birthdays in the next few weeks and they said no gifts on the invite, but they all brought gifts for my DS...what i've found is "no gifts please" seems to translate into bringing small gifts...

and my 2 cents from having just experienced this, i think everyone that is invited to a party plans on and feels obligated to bringing a gift - that's just how it goes. by us saying "no gifts please", I think for those in a financial situation, it lets them off the hook and for others, it causes them to think twice about what they actually do bring and for us they seem to have brought something simple/useful like books or clothes. for those close to us who kept asking what to give DS, we said, seriously, no gifts please...a few of our close friends and most of my family actually listened and it was nice to not get so much "stuff"...

Mariel,
mama to a 1 yr old "monkey"