attachment worries

[~*Guest]

I have been reading the book, "Hold on to your child" about the value of the parent child attachment and how it is being replaced in our culture with the peer to peer attachment. The book goes into specifics about the importance of the parent child attachment, what attachment looks like, etc. It has been making me think about my relationship with dd1 who is three and half now. She will be starting preschool soon(maybe, I would like to homeschool but dh does not want to) and I want to be sure that our relationship is as strong as possible when she starts school. I guess I have doubts about the strength of our attachment sometimes. She has always been a very independent child, so it is hard to tell what is her personality and what is lack of attachment. I did do cio when she was a young baby. I was under alot of pressure from mom and dh and hadn't heard about atachment parenting at that point. There was also quite a bit of turmoil when she was little because dh and i fought quite a bit. i am really worried that i have ruined my chances to have strong attachment with her. or maybe this is all me worrying and she is attached fine. what does a strong attachment look like?
i have a babysitter come once a week and take her out for two hours in the afternoon. today i was taking a walk with dd2 and saw them together in the field looking for bugs. i walked up and said hi, and dd1 didn't even acknowledge i was there. after reading this book, i think immediately, oh no, she is not attached to me. i also worry because it is so much more obvious that dd2 is attached well. she does not want to be held by anyone else, she loves nursing(dd1 stopped at a year on her own), etc. i also feel like she doesn't particularly want to please me, or do what i do. apparently these are important parts of attachment. so i guess my questions are, is my child attached? what can you do to foster attachment after the first few years? can a broken attachment be healed? i hoep you all can give me wisdom as i am feeling really sad about this.

[claras_mom]

I think you may be overthinking it. Sometimes, a strong attachment can take the form of being able to be independent. For example, we left dd last night with a new sitter (though admittedly someone she'd met a number of times) and while she didn't exactly push us out the door (as she occasionally does in the gym childcare ) she certainly wasn't distressed at our going. She is secure enough to know that we're coming back.

As for not acknowledging you, I find sometimes with dd that if she's concentrating on something she will, in fact, not immediately respond. It's frustrating, but I'm also ruefully aware that I don't always immediately jump up to do as she asks, and so (in her mind) why should she?

In terms of not wanting to do as you do or wanting to please you, I think that's pretty normal for a three and a half year old.

But you can always do more to foster attachment (or connection)--special time just for the two of you, where she gets your undivided attention; doing things together that her younger sibling can't do yet; and so forth.