I don't think I will ask for birthday ideas again... - Page 3

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I disagree. There was no problem when you initally asked for suggestions about what the child might like- nobody says you HAVE TO buy exactly what the parent suggests.

The only problem arose when you emailed back saying "I couldn't find X, so I bought Y instead. Is that OK?". If you'd only emailed the one time, there wouldn't have been any problems.

And the answer to the first email might have been "DC loves vehicles and art supplies and books but hates cuddly toys" which would have been extremely useful with selecting an appropriate gift!

Well, yeah, I emailed back though because I thought, maybe she thinks I am really going to get it and it was on her daughter's list or something...I was trying to be polite. Too much so, it seems!

And yes, I wish she had given me more general suggestions such as you mentioned. But she didn't. So...

the kid is getting a jumbo Hello Kitty floor puzzle which I bought for 6.99 at Job Lot today!

This whole issue has totally driven me nuts, it has required several trips to the store to get the "right" gift, and I am not even friends with this woman nor is my DS friends with her DD! We are going to the party b/c the whole class was invited and DS wants to go. I wasn't expecting the gift buying to be such a fiasco.

In the past when I have asked for ideas, I've gotten general suggestions which has worked out great.

In the future IF I do ask, I will be sure to clarify that I need more general ideas IF the mom is so clueless as to think I should run around town looking for THE gift...or maybe I'll just keep a stack of jumbo gender-neutral puzzles on hand!

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

We don't know that the original request was expensive, just that the OP thought it might be.

OP, you have the option to give this woman the benefit of the doubt.

ZM

I have no real reason to give her the benefit of the doubt given my past observations and dealings with her.

She's just a ditz, I think. This is the mom who wanted to bring unvaccinated feral kittens to school for show and tell last year (to 3 year olds). I posted about it; some of you might remember.

So ya, know, I'm not really holding her in high esteem these days...

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Rainbowbird

I said...to let me know if she already had one etc.

She said, "Well, we have a big birdfeeder in our yard so I don't think she needs one."

How is this rude?

You said to let her know if she had one. She said that yes, that the family did.

That is not rude. That is just appropriaely honest. I highly doubt any manners book would say that there is something wrong with answering the question honestly.

[Rio Mama]

Good luck with the party and your future dealings with her.

The comment about looking at it from a guy's perspective is intriguing. I think oftentimes my MIL thinks I'm rude b/c when asked a question, I respond straightforwardly without realizing that she's asking a "fake" question or using a question as a prompt for me to answer quickly then ask her that very same question. I suspect, based on the responses to this thread, that there are a lot of women who use questions as a way of bonding rather than as a way of information sharing.

/preach on
Another thing that strikes me that someone else mentioned is the vindictiveness expressed by some and the desire to respond to a perceived slight with antipathy. We're adults, folks. Be the graceful one. Take the high road. Behave as you'd like your kids to behave someday. Behave as though your dear sweet grandmother is watching. Don't be mean and vindictive. Turn the other cheek.
/preach off

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

I don't think she was rude to answer your question honestly....

: Are you mad because she was honest, or are you mad that you didn't get the answer you wanted? (sorry, don't mean to be jerkish about it, but you shouldn't ask if you aren't prepared to hear a 'no thanks'; and I think it's rude to criticise her for being truthful). I personally don't think she was rude at all. If you hadn't asked and she just said that, it'd be a different story. Plus, it's not like you can't return it to the store yourself.

I second the motion to try for something that it doesn't matter if she has some or not (like, craft supplies, or playdough or something like that, depending on her age).

I also wanted to tell you that I think a birdfeeder is an AWESOME gift idea. Another one: a little fish bowl with some fish food, a net and a pretty male betta splenden. : They're easy to care for, and it's cheap to throw together the gift.

Originally Posted by adtake

How about a book on manners for kids....help her avoid her moms behaviors??

: : Please don't do that!! That's shockingly rude!!

[beanma]

I gotta go with the other mom was not too smooth on the reply, but you did ask. I love the idea of the birdfeeder, but I have a very high strung, spirited, finely tuned, whatever you wanna call it dd1 and I can see where she might not be into an idea like that. She might like that particular one, but she's been known to be less than gracious, especially at age 4 -- she's much better now, but it takes coaching. The mom might just be laying it on the line, especially if the gifts will be opened at the party.

Can you put yourself in her shoes and imagine someone said, "Hey I got your DS a 'thing-he-really-wouldn't-like'. I hope that's all right. Let me know." They asked to be let know and you know he would not like it (and could be less than gracious about it) what are you supposed to do? Not tell the other person and hope your kid says thanks anyway?

[laohaire]

I think the issue is that the mom was less than tactful in answering.

The OP did ask if they already had one... the answer was yes.

If I were the other mama, I would have answered honestly - but been super nice about it. Like "Wow, what a great gift idea! And thanks for asking! Unfortunately DD does in fact already have a birdfeeder, though. I really hope you didn't go to too much trouble for it, or maybe you know someone else who wants one? She really loves her birdfeeder but I really don't think she'll need another one" etc.

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by beanma

I gotta go with the other mom was not too smooth on the reply, but you did ask. I love the idea of the birdfeeder, but I have a very high strung, spirited, finely tuned, whatever you wanna call it dd1 and I can see where she might not be into an idea like that. She might like that particular one, but she's been known to be less than gracious, especially at age 4 -- she's much better now, but it takes coaching. The mom might just be laying it on the line, especially if the gifts will be opened at the party.

Can you put yourself in her shoes and imagine someone said, "Hey I got your DS a 'thing-he-really-wouldn't-like'. I hope that's all right. Let me know." They asked to be let know and you know he would not like it (and could be less than gracious about it) what are you supposed to do? Not tell the other person and hope your kid says thanks anyway?

Well, ya know, I don't think it's that she wouldn't like the birdfeeder. They have a big one, as she told me, and they seem very into animals. I think she just wants someone to buy her daughter this other gift.

Yeah, I guess I thought of it as a rhetorical question. Personally if someone told me that bought my child xyz, even if I thought he might not be thrilled, I wouldn't suggest that they get something else. I just wouldn't. I'd accept it graciously. But that's just me.

[Blu Razzberri]

You just contradicted yourself. You said...

Originally Posted by laohaire

...I think the issue is that the mom was less than tactful in answering...

...and then you said...

Originally Posted by laohaire

...If I were the other mama, I would have answered honestly....

But, I think your point was....

Originally Posted by laohaire

...but been super nice about it. Like "Wow, what a great gift idea! And thanks for asking! Unfortunately DD does in fact already have a birdfeeder, though. I really hope you didn't go to too much trouble for it, or maybe you know someone else who wants one? She really loves her birdfeeder but I really don't think she'll need another one"...

Ok....the issue might lie in how she said it...but we don't know how she did. We don't know how her tone was or what her words were!! Point is, she answered the question. If someone doesn't want to know the answer, they shouldn't ask the question...right?

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri

If someone doesn't want to know the answer, they shouldn't ask the question...right?[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

That's pretty much what the title of my OP says!

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by Rio Mama

Good luck with the party and your future dealings with her.

/preach on
Another thing that strikes me that someone else mentioned is the vindictiveness expressed by some and the desire to respond to a perceived slight with antipathy. We're adults, folks. Be the graceful one. Take the high road. Behave as you'd like your kids to behave someday. Behave as though your dear sweet grandmother is watching. Don't be mean and vindictive. Turn the other cheek.
/preach off

I'm 41 years old--probably old enough to be somebody's mother on this thread. I'm not about to do anything other than take the high road. Although I thought the comments about fingerpaints and drums were very amusing!

[rachelle-a-tron]

Originally Posted by LynnE73

HA! I was thinking a recorder or a drum or something REALLY noisy!!!

Me too!

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri

You just contradicted yourself. You said...



...and then you said...

Sorry, don't see the contradiction at all. Are you saying you can't be tactful and honest? I really don't agree.

But, I think your point was....

Ok....the issue might lie in how she said it...but we don't know how she did. We don't know how her tone was or what her words were!! Point is, she answered the question. If someone doesn't want to know the answer, they shouldn't ask the question...right?

We don't know what tone she intended (it was an email after all) but we do know what she said.

Originally Posted by Rainbowbird

she said, "Well, we have a big birdfeeder in our yard so I don't think she needs one."

I agree if someone doesn't want the answer to the question, they shouldn't ask, and that might indeed have been the case here. But I was just commenting on the fact that the other mama responded to the question without tact - yes, directly, but without any understanding of the lengths the OP went to try to get a gift for her child, and without any interest in the feelings of the OP reading the answer.

Being direct is not the apex of communication - it's communicating clearly in a way that takes the other person's understanding of your communication into account. Sometimes being direct is the best way to acheive that. Sometimes being indirect is the best way. Often, something in between (like directness softened with an acknowledgement of how the other person feels) is the best way.

Is communicating without any regard for how the other person will experience the message a crime? Seems not. But it's not tactful. And people who are like that won't win too many friends as a result.