How would you handle this kind of meltdown??

[alysonb]

I have a problem with DS (4) and honestly am not sure how to approach it. Every time he misses the beginning of something (show, movie, song, story, anything) he has a complete meltdown where he will cry, scream, hit and sometimes even bite if whatever it is is not put back to the beginning. His tirades will go on for a long time (he's having one right now that is going on a half hour). I've tried calmly explaining to him that it is not possible to restart, firmly stating that it cannot be done, and ignored him. If I ignore him eventually he will settle down and forget about it, but I've been wondering if that is really the best course of action. Has anyone else had any experience with this and how did you handle it?

[fek&fuzz]

Can you just sit with him, not explaining, not ignoring, not trying to stop the tantrum, but just being there, maybe touching him with you hand lightly. Then after a few minutes, just say "I'm going to go get dinner ready [or some other activity], let me know if you want to finish watching the show."

[Adasmommy]

I've had that problem with meltdowns of not wanting to ignore dd but sometimes it seems like the only thing that doesn't prolong the madness! I'm sure all kids are different so I have to go with what's worked best with her (this hour, anyway : ).

Sometimes it works to say loudly (so she can hear over the screaming) but cheerfully, "Yeah, we missed the beginning, didn't we? Hey, I'm going to go outside and water the azalea! Can you help me with your elephant watering can?"

You know, restate the problem, then provide distraction. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Lucky thing they're so cute when they're asleep, huh?

[hubris]

I've found that the urge to explain the situation is strong, but usually unhelpful. Validating what my DS1 (who turns 5 next month) is feeling is much more helpful to him. Something like "you're really disappointed that you missed the beginning of the show. You really, really wanted to see the beginning. How frustrating. You look like you feel angry right now." - with pauses for him to agree or voice his anger/frustration. I might also offer "is there anything I can do to help?" and accept it if the answer is NO - which it often is. I might continue with "I wish I could start the show over for you" - which is something that the How To Talk... (Faber/Mazlish) book suggests.

Sometimes kids just need us to reflect back at them that we understand that they're frustrated, and they need to be told that feeling that frustration is ok. Actually, we grownups often need the same thing - understanding, not explanation.

[SierraJ]

Like PP I'd probably sit with him, unless he was physically lashing out at me -- I'd put him in his room and tell him he must be away from people if he's going to try to hurt others.

Outside of the moment, when he's not upset, you might try to strategize with him what he can do when he misses the start of the show...like make up a silly rhyme or dance for when it happens, learn to use the remote, try to invoke superppowers...whatever might work for him. Then practice it once or twice before it happens again.

I also completely agree about reflecting his feelings back, being on his side and telling him you wish you could snap your fingers and make the show (or whatever he's wanting) magically appear, and being with him through the storm -- unless he tries to bite/hit/scratch, etc...then the privilege of being with other people is lost.

Good luck -- this too will pass...it'll change to another challenge, of course, but this too will pass!

[daniedb]

I think I've finally figured out that the reason these meltdowns occur is because they're realizing that their choices and other people's choices have permanent consequences. Like Henry, he's stuck on deciding things...because either way, something gets not chosen. And likewise with things happening *to* him, he's figuring out that he can't control certain things around him, and it is really scary, I think. It helps me understand so much better, and have so much more patience, when I realize where they're coming from and what is the motivation for their behavior.

So, when these meltdowns occur, I usually do as a PP suggested, and reflect to him his feelings, and I do it with emotion and I try to mirror his face and gestures. Without the screaming or crying, I'll do like a mini-version of his tantrum and keep saying, "You feel *frustrated*! Are you feeling angry? You are? You're angry that the show can't start from the beginning. I hear that! You're angry! Ooooooh, being angry is HARD!" and he usually starts to calm down once I hit on the right emotion and help him process that. He does it a lot himself now, I start the engagement, and he'll pick it up from "I feel ANGRY!" and we work together to find a solution.

It doesn't always work, especially in the times where he's tired or hunry, so the meltdowns can be inevitable. : We just try to minimize them, because...wow. Small people can be really loud.

[Adasmommy]

Originally Posted by daniedb

I think I've finally figured out that the reason these meltdowns occur is because they're realizing that their choices and other people's choices have permanent consequences . . .

. . . He does it a lot himself now, I start the engagement, and he'll pick it up from "I feel ANGRY!" and we work together to find a solution.

I think that's great insight! And I think that last quoted sentence is so cute! And productive!

[simonee]

"That must make you angry. I see it makes you angry. It makes me angry too when that happens. When I get angry beacuse that happens, first I [hit the pillow, stomp my feet, whatever you believe is an appropriate expressoin of anger -- or sadness, or whatever he feels] and then I try to think of something so it does't happen again." And then we try to think of a plan.

It's not always easy to respect my children's scheduling wishes as much as my own : , but I think it's important to do so. My kids don't watch tv when I'm around, but if they want something 'at 3", I try to do whatever I can to make it possible. And if it's not, I warn them in advance so we can think of an alternative, or I apologize when it's my 'fault'.

And, of course, many things can be restarted.