Help! I'm turning into a horrible mother!

[Mothernature]

Since I've been pregnant I have had little energy to play with dd. She does pretty well to entertain herself most of the time, but she really would like me to interact with her too. I feel like I'm constantly brushing her off. I've even started letting her watch videos so I can veg out. Along with lowered energy I'm experiencing less patience. I've started yelling at her (I never did this before) and generally being irritated most of the time. I notice that instead of interacting I'm reacting to the things she is exploring that will make a mess or get broken or.... How can I get back to being the fun, patient, loving mommy I used to be? Is this how I'm going to be all the time with two children? Dd is 32 mos. by the way. I have definitely noticed our relationship changing and she is becomming more confrontational as a result of how I'm dealing with her.

Any gentle suggestions would be appreciated.

[Super Pickle]

Dear Mothernature,
I just wanted to tell you that I went through the exact same thing with my recent pregnancy, and it lasted for about two months after the baby was born. It does make a mother feel incredibly guilty, and it definitely affects the older child's behavior. But don't worry, it's not going to last forever, and it's not going to scar your firstborn for life. It is going to be a challenge to transition from a 100%, totally hands-on parenting style with your eldest, but it will teach you both some valuable skills.

One step is to make a list of the things that consistently trigger your anger. And try to eliminate those problems. Put a gate up in the doorway to the kitchen. Put a handle-safety-thingie on the bathroom door. Whatever you need to do. But do it fast because once the baby comes you won't have a chance, and your dd will learn that when mommy nurses, it's the perfect opportunity to do all that curious exploring.

There is a wonderful article from API (Attachment Parenting International) News --Volume 5 No. 2--called "The Practice of Mindful Parenting." It's by Bonnie Harris and I pored over it, highlighting and making notes in the margins, in order to help pull myself out of the rut that you were describing. Maybe you could find it on the Net, or at the librabry? Or call API at 615-298-4334 and ask for a copy?

Good luck.

[Britishmum]

I just wanted to add, don't be too hard on yourself over the videos. When I was pg many of my TV principles went out the window, and they have stayed there eversince! I do stick to videos, and only a select few that are at least good stories and in dd's second language, so they have a little value. But sometimes I just need her to be happily entertained while I take care of the little one. Videos make everyone's life easier, some weeks we don't use them, some weeks, like if the baby is unwell, we rely on them quite a lot. It's far better to shove in a video than to end up yelling at dd!

For now, do whatever works to help your stress levels. Does your dd take a nap? Are you getting enough sleep? How about snacking? Are you sitting down with her to snack? One of our favourite things when I was pregnant was laying out the snacks in the living room each afternoon on a blanket with toys, for a teddy bear's picnic. I could get some rest and have a drink, while interacting peacefully with dd by sipping pretend tea. This satisfied her craving for attention, without being too taxing.

I also had a bag of new cheapo toys and activities to distract dd when she got bored or too mischievous. Some bags of tiny animals from Target ($1 a bag) and tiny pots of playdough, colouring books, packs of plastic bead necklaces (these can become enclosures for toy animals, or she loved just putting them on and off me while I sat on the sofa), etc. The party favours are good for this sort of thing. I had a stock of things that I"d go into when things got tough - this distracted us both from feeling confrontational, and the games she came up with were great.

Good luck, it is tough being pg, and tough having two, but it is also amazingly rewarding and exciting.

HTH

[mamaduck]

I went this through while I was preg. with #2. I felt terrible about it.

I'm trying to think of the right words for what I want to say -- I don't want it to sound like I'm defending or justifying harsh parenting, because I'm not.

We often explain our children's misbehavior by examining the feelings, needs and instincts behind it -- and we are so gentle and understanding with them. I think it helps to apply the same principals of understanding when examining our own "misbehavior."

I believe there is a lot going on instinctually when you are pg with a baby and you already have a child or children. I think nature is trying to accomplish some things, and trying to indicate something to you about some changes that need to occur. I would spend some time trying to think what it is that your body is trying to signal to you.

One thing for sure -- this is a time when you need lots of support and help with your older child so that your body can concentrate on growing the new baby. Your grouchiness could be a signal to you that it is time to incorporate some new resources/helpers into your routine to share responsibility for your child. Either a mother's helper, or preschool, or visits with grandma... something to ease the burden on you.

Another thing that might be happening is a natural instinct to prepare your child for a new level of independance when the new baby gets here. In a way, you could be subconsciously pushing her away so that you can prepare an emotional space for the baby. It sounds very harsh -- but I don't think it needs to be if you go about it in a conscious way, with sensitivity toward her, instead of reactively and from your gut. Maybe spend some time thinking of some small ways you can teach her to be more independent. Teach her to put on her own socks maybe, or to climb in and out of her own carseat.

Good luck, be gentle with yourself, and know that there are reasons, feelings, and needs behing your behavior.

[Mothernature]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.

Super Pickle- I will look for that article. It sounds right up my alley.

Britishmum- Maybe I'd feel better about the videos if they were in another language or something of the sort. I have a few that fit that category I'll dig them out.

Mamaduck- I think you're right on several levels. I know I'm doing some pushing away right now and I think some of it may also be stemming from recent sugar intake. I'm going to take special care to eliminate sugar from my diet for a while and see if that helps. I will put some thought into what else may be contributing.

Again, thanks for the responses.

[Jennifer Z]

very insightful post mamaduck.

[Mallory]

Here is a post about relativly parent free indoor activities.

indoor activities for a 3-year old

I found the last few months of pregnancy to be worse then after the baby. I was uncomfortable, tired, lazy, ect. But after the baby it was better.

I also agree that videos are better then angry mama all the time.

Give your self a break, you are doing great!

[carmen veranda]

ughhh.... I remember.

I was on bedrest and had child to entertain. She was older than your dd, though. But, what if you fold out the couch and watch the video's with her? I used to get my days supply of books, a special game or something, a book of sing-alongs, some ballons, some pipe cleaners, some grapes and baby carrots, the box of markers and crayons and a ream of scratch paper and a pile of videos. And fold out the futon and we would be set.
Some long days. But really anything that you can do to interact with her that does not require you to tax yourself will help. There ARE much worse things than putting a video on and vegging with the baby. If you are near her and occationally say "will you look at that!!" She will know you are WITH her.
Change is always hard. Your whole family is changing. You two will find your way through this. Trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. Make things as easy as you can for yourself right now.
Mamma duck, you are so smart...
Super pickle~ great article and great advise about the safety issues...
Britishmum~ I love the idea of the Teddy Bears picnic.
Mallory~I love that thread.

[candiland]

I can totally relate. My DD was almost two when I got pregnant with DS. Now she's three and a half, and he's fifteen months. It does get easier.
ITA with the above poster who mentioned mindful parenting. For every step forward, you WILL take two steps back. In a society where we can have anything we desire at the push of a button, we expect our mentality to work that way, too. Be patient with yourself. Deep breathe. Take every moment as it comes... never a step behind, feeling guilt and anger over how you handled a particular situation; never a step ahead, freaking out about all the horrible worst-case scenarios that keep replaying themselves in your head. Just try to stay in the NOW.
And be careful about what words you use to describe yourself. Words form pictures in your head and can create the reality you express. Instead of feeling horrible and guilty and negative toward yourself, and feeding yourself all of those horrible lies, try positive affirmations instead.
You ARE a great mother.
You are perfectly capable of remaining present and mindful.
And so on.
Try to relax. Sit as much as you need to. Think about it: is your child going to be scarred for life because you can't jump around with her all day long? Or would she be scarred because you feel guilty and end up yelling and screaming at her all the time?