What if you were uncomfortable with.. - Page 2

[its_our_family]

I can't imagine passing judgment over one instance. I wouldn't have let my child run aroudn with the other kids either. I would let her run around even the second time, maybe not even the third unless they stayed in my yard.

Maybe they just left a bad neighborhood. Maybe the child has gone thorugh something traumatic. Maybe she had special needs. Maybe she has a bad sense of direction.

If mom isn't bothered their may be a reason. I wouldnt immediately jump to pedophile.

Of course, I was there. So, it could have been creepy.

(Or maybe they are like family on The Burbs! Is one of them a Dr???)

[MammaB21]

I thought this was a bit creepy. But I also thought that maybe they are just more affectionate then what you are used to. Personally, I kiss and hug my DD CONSTANTLY!!! (allthough she is only 19mo old,,,,haha) But I can't see myself stopping that just because she gets older. I can, however, see her pulling away when reaching a certain age. I agree that there could be some special cercumstances there that you are not yet aware of, but it seems that if the child is asking to get up and play, she should be allowed to do that, ESPECIALLY if there are special needs present. If she was feeling comfurtable with her peers, and wanting to participate, the parents should too.
The thing that stands out to me the most, is that the mother didn't seem to be phased by this at all. This tells me that she is used to this going on, and has become immune to it. Maybe she sees it as a good thing: step dad showing love. But the notion that they didn't want her associating with the other kids kinda goes out the window for me if mom was acting casual. Also, they could have politely said 'no' if that was the case.
I would keep an eye open for sure. Also wouldn't want to say or do anything to stumble someone else, incase ther is a situation you are not aware of. I agree with the other posters that this is a tough call. GOOD LUCK.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

I can't imagine passing judgment over one instance. I wouldn't have let my child run aroudn with the other kids either. I would let her run around even the second time, maybe not even the third unless they stayed in my yard.

I'm imagining a situation where the kids are in sight of the adults. You seriously wouldn't allow your 10 year old to play with other children in this circumstance?

Or are you picturing it differently?

[its_our_family]

I jsut htought of something. What if it was the mother that was that affectionate. Would it have seemed weird? We talk about how mom and dad are equal parents but one has to be less affectionate than the other? I know it was a step parent but maybe it is the only dad she's had.

There is has to be more to it than that. I just woulnd't want to see a new neighborhood ruined because neighbors didn't like how the family interacted.

[its_our_family]

Originally Posted by Momily

I'm imagining a situation where the kids are in sight of the adults. You seriously wouldn't allow your 10 year old to play with other children in this circumstance?

Or are you picturing it differently?

Granted I don't have a 10 year old, but I wouldn't allow them to leave my sight and preferrably not out of hearing distance. These are kids I don't know. it would also depend on the time of day. Is it dusk or the middle of the afternoon?

I also wouldn't have come outside if I had been presssured to do so.

[macca]

Definitely sounds very weird to me. But I don't know what I'd do.

[Momily]

I think you and I are picturing it differently. I'm picturing a small city block (because that's the reality where I live) or a suburban culdesac, where the kids are playing on the sidewalk and in the front yards -- so in hearing and sight of the adults who are sitting outside in the middle of the block. To be honest, in this case I'd say an adult who refused to let their non-special needs 10 year old participate is being overprotective.

[its_our_family]

Then call me overprotective. In this day and age.....I'd rather be overprotective.

(my best friend growing up wasn't allowed to listen to the theme song of Duck Tails. Why? Because it was "rock music". THAT I consider overprotective.)

[Sage_SS]

K.. here's the way I see it.
I had a ... childhood. But this girl was 10. When I was that age, I'd rather be making friends than cuddling with my stepdad. But to each her own right?
The fact that it was her STEPDAD would seriously, seriously bother me. If it were her mom, thats different. but even if it were her Dad.. the fact that he didn't let go of her ONCE, and that he kept his hands on her chest disturbs me. Her chest?? We have 3 girls and my hubby doesn't cuddle them around their chests, their waists - yes. As girls we're taught at young ages that we have PRIVATE parts. Our chests are a part of that group. Eeeewww...
So.. here's what I'd do. Some of you may not agree, but its what I'd do anyways. I'd invite them over for dinner, get some background and a better feel for their family dynamics. If they have an issue with some other families in the neighbourhood, which is a reason suggested for his behaviour, then that won't be a factor at your house right?
If you're not comfortable with that, then I'd call a kids help hotline and get some things to watch out for, but I'm sure whatever they tell you, you'll already know, but at least its a step taken just in case proof is needed in the future KWIM?
I'm really, really glad that you've posted this concern. I hope you find some resolution, one that isn't harmful to this young girl. I think I wanna live in your neighbourhood! Minus the creepy man.

[macca]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

Then call me overprotective. In this day and age.....I'd rather be overprotective.

(my best friend growing up wasn't allowed to listen to the theme song of Duck Tails. Why? Because it was "rock music". THAT I consider overprotective.)

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by mmace

My gut instinct immediately said that there may be some special need there that might not be obvious to you, but makes peer interaction difficult. I've seen parents of spectrum kids that tend to hold their kids back in similar ways, because they are afraid of meltdowns, especially in unfamiliar situations.

Originally Posted by townmouse

you said you practically dragged them out and forced them to be part of the social scene on your street. You said he wouldn't let her play with the other girls. Maybe he sounded creepy, but maybe he didn't approve of your kids as friends and was keeping her close to minimize the influence.

Originally Posted by homeschoolmama

The creepiest part to me is that this is her STEP dad. The more I think about it, the odder it seems...

The woman I have known longest in my life (27 years, since we were 5) has a 10 yo, just about to be 11. She's my God-Daughter and I am extremely protective of her.

She became involved with a man about 6 years ago and married him, 2 years ago... He's amazing. He is intuitive and affectionate... I have the sweetest pictures of the two of them hugging, pressing their faces close and "Eskimo" kissing... he holds hands with her all the time, and swims with her on his back, carries her like a damsel in distress, gives her light touches to help her relax, massages to help her back-pain... all manner of things you might term as inappropriate. Which is sad. Because her mom, my best-oldest friend, has boarderline personality disorder and while things all look fine with her on the surface, no one knows that she has done horrible things to herself and her family in the throes of her illness and thankfully she is on medication that tempers her symptoms. HE is the one that dgd can go to for all the emotional availability, HE is the litmus test for guaging the many new situations they've faced in 5 moves and much family drama, and the way MOM will deal with all the newness, filtering interactions, sheilding them from the many difficulties a family like theirs faces.

What if the move had been very traumatic for them, what if the girl has social anxiety and once she's with the peers, freaks out and has horrible nightmares, later... ? What if there is some spcial needs imbalance that would have surfaced only after she was engaging (at night, I presume, even if within eyes/ears of parents...) with new kids? What if he was acting in her best interest because of the things HE knows about her as her FATHER?

From the outside, you NEVER know what the story is... there is every possibility that they're bonded and this was just them finding their "way" in a new situation.

The judgement going on here based on witnessing a step-parent being loving and hands-on in his affection is appallingly puritanical. Seriously... if it was mom it would be ok? If it was bio-dad it's okay? But, what, a step-parent isn't allowed to have an attachment and be loving? A step-parent needs to be hands off? Why? To make you comfortable?

Right around the time I started puberty, my dad (step, originally at the age of 4 and then he adopted us when I was 5) suddenly became terrified of me. He wouldn't hold my hand anymore or kiss me or cuddle me... I have always held that with pain. It felt as though he was mad at me or I had done something wrong.

Until there is something REALLY creepy (like mom or daughter showing clear signs of abuse or something) I will applaud any Father (be him step or bio) for showing his adolescent girl unconditional love.

[hanno]

Originally Posted by townmouse

He's probably a pedophile or something but did you consider that maybe they really dislike and disapprove of the families in the neighborhood?

you said you practically dragged them out and forced them to be part of the social scene on your street. You said he wouldn't let her play with the other girls. Maybe he sounded creepy, but maybe he didn't approve of your kids as friends and was keeping her close to minimize the influence.

And now you all are planning to set up a trial to see if they will soon behave according to your expectations of socialization, and if they don't you plan to call the gestapo on them because they don't let their dd socialize *with you.*

Oops. I just realized homeschoolmama suggested all this already.

I can see either possibility, myself. Pedophile or protective.

What?? This is the most logical conclusion? That's a pretty big accusation to put on someone you've never even met.

[PrennaMama]

seriously...

[its_our_family]

Originally Posted by hanno

What?? This is the most logical conclusion? That's a pretty big accusation to put on someone you've never even met.

I thought that was tongue in cheek.

[soygurl]

Originally Posted by KBecks

I would be inclined to call CPS, but I think you need to get expert advice. I think there is an organization for child sex abuse but I can't remember the name of it.

Was this it? StopItNow.com

I'm with those who think it sounds creepy. Stepfather, hands on her chest, not letting go of her when she asked to play, etc. all sounds WAY creepy to me.

its_our_family: have you read "protecting the gift"?

[chaoticzenmom]

Reading your story gave me the creeps. I was abused by my stepdad and that's what he used to do to me. He kept me away from people as much as he could and he didn't seem to care to hide his "affection" in public. Your story reminds me of him

Maybe he's overprotective, but it sounds really suspect to me. Since everyone was kind of creeped out by it, then all of you can just pay attention and act when you feel it becomes necessary.

Good for you for paying attention to your instincts. I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but don't let your daughter go over there and into the house. Let them play in the yard.

Our instincts are very powerful things.

Lisa

[hanno]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

I thought that was tongue in cheek.

pedophilia and child sex abuse are not really things to be jokey about

My mom loves my step brother and sister as much as she loves me. In fact, because her partner (their biodad) is not abusive, she is more able to love on them than she ever was for me. I doubt anyone would ever think that she was being inappropriate. Is that because she's female? Sure hope not, but I've read a few threads here that made me gasp in shock and anger on that issue.
10 is an very different age for different kids. It's really on the cusp of child and pre-teen. There are some who are starting to have real crushes and get into grooming and fashion and there are some that are content to play with dolls and easy bake ovens.
The stepdad could very well be a creep, but it's very dangerous to just assume he is. Calling cps could really hurt the family and give him an unwarranted reputation that he will never be able to shake.

[PatchyMama]

Before I contacted CPS or any other official organization I would invite the mom for coffee or something and talk to her. I wouldn't jump to conclusions based on ONE forced social interaction.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by PatchyMama

Before I contacted CPS or any other official organization I would invite the mom for coffee or something and talk to her. I wouldn't jump to conclusions based on ONE forced social interaction.

I totally agree with that and other posts along that line...

[Sage_SS]

I don't think anyone was suggesting spreading a bunch of rumors, I think the OP is just trying to find the truth of the matter.
And in my opinion, its ALOT more dangerous to assume he's not a pedophile. I know how badly a lie like that can hurt a family, I went through that with an uncle of mine who was falsely accused of molestation. But in my experience, this childs future safety is worth a question or two to someone with some authority over the situation. I've heard "If only we could have done something to stop it earlier" too often. If the behaviour is suspect, then investigate. You can't heal those kind of scars.