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post #41 of 248
Go ahead and call me paranoid, but there have been ALOT of molestation cases where the partner knew what was happening but didn't report it. Don't just take someone's word for it.
post #42 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sage_SS View Post
Go ahead and call me paranoid, but there have been ALOT of molestation cases where the partner knew what was happening but didn't report it. Don't just take someone's word for it.
true dat.

A lot of parents ignore it. When the child tells the mother, mother accuses the child of LYING. Shocking but true.

Completely creepy and inappropriate. This is the step father. WTH.

I'm with Lisa49... if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck... must be a duck.
post #43 of 248
I would keep a strong eye out.
post #44 of 248
These things are always so difficult. You don't want to be assuming stuff but you also can't ignore something you feel or take notice of.

My husband is a step father to my children. Though my Dd cannot remember a time before he and I were married so to her he's just always been here. We are a pretty darn affectionate family. We respect that the kids are older these days (which mostly amounts to a lot of knocking on doors before opening them lol), but we still hug, kiss, and all that stuff. My 16 year old son kisses me on the cheek or the head without fail every single day, and my almost 14 year old could easily be seen sitting with her legs flung over her dad's on the sofa watching a movie or with him lying on her bed with her talking. I hate that we look at those things and get itchy.

I do understand that there are so many sitations that are truly abusive though, and that's why we wonder even about stuff that should be normal. The part that would bother me the most was him asking her to stay with him rather than play, but there could be stuff we don't know about.

In the OP's case, I think the best you can do for now is just get to know them like neighbors do. If later it seems that something is still not quite right it might be best to take some action. At this point it's just too early to tell.
post #45 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by homeschoolmama View Post
The creepiest part to me is that this is her STEP dad. The more I think about it, the odder it seems...
I was a bit put off by the details of this story, but I have to respond to the issue of it being the "step dad".

My husband is extremely close to my 10 yr old daughter. She likes to sit with him in the lazy chair and watch tv. She enjoys rough-housing and playing chase through the house. She loves to ride his motorcycle with him. They are very close with each other, and it is nothing for her to sit in his lap or for him to kiss her on her head as he walks by her.

He is her protector, her father in every sense of the word except biologically.

I *totally* understand why you would want to keep an eye on the situation you described, but can we be careful not to paint all loving and affectionate step-dads with the child-abuser brush?
post #46 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momily View Post
To be honest, in this case I'd say an adult who refused to let their non-special needs 10 year old participate is being overprotective.
I agree with this...
post #47 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjanelles View Post
I was a bit put off by the details of this story, but I have to respond to the issue of it being the "step dad".

My husband is extremely close to my 10 yr old daughter. She likes to sit with him in the lazy chair and watch tv. She enjoys rough-housing and playing chase through the house. She loves to ride his motorcycle with him. They are very close with each other, and it is nothing for her to sit in his lap or for him to kiss her on her head as he walks by her.

He is her protector, her father in every sense of the word except biologically.

I *totally* understand why you would want to keep an eye on the situation you described, but can we be careful not to paint all loving and affectionate step-dads with the child-abuser brush?
I'm sorry if I offended you by my statement, not my intention.
I shouldn't assume that because he's the "step dad" it's questionable. I was not trying to say that simply because they are not the biological parent they can't display loving, affectionate behavior that would otherwise be seen as acceptable.
post #48 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
A step-parent needs to be hands off? Why? To make you comfortable?

Right around the time I started puberty, my dad (step, originally at the age of 4 and then he adopted us when I was 5) suddenly became terrified of me. He wouldn't hold my hand anymore or kiss me or cuddle me... I have always held that with pain. It felt as though he was mad at me or I had done something wrong.

Until there is something REALLY creepy (like mom or daughter showing clear signs of abuse or something) I will applaud any Father (be him step or bio) for showing his adolescent girl unconditional love.
There are 12 years difference between my sister and myself. (I also have two brothers around her age,
I was a oops baby). My sister said that around puberty my dad also became very hands off. It hurt her
feelings, and she shared this with my dad later in life. I'm so glad she shared that with him cause with
me he never did that. Maybe it was the talk they had, maybe in those 12 years between us he fathered
differently. My Dad hugs and kisses all his kids still, I'm the youngest at 32 now.

I do believe I would be a different person without the affection from my Dad, and I would hope that if
I get married someday that my dh could be affectionate with my dd without people thinking it's weird
without them being biologically related.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cjanelles View Post
I *totally* understand why you would want to keep an eye on the situation you described, but can we be careful not to paint all loving and affectionate step-dads with the child-abuser brush?
:
post #49 of 248

Sixteen point bulletin. It's got MY attention.

[QUOTE=nextcommercial;9691574]

Okay, let's reiterate what the OP mentioned, because it becomes cumulative:

1) I am uncomfortable with the relationship between the ten year old girl and her Step Dad.

Intuiton is powerful, it is the inner voice to which the wise tell us to listen.

2) The parents ... have been together for three years

Merely three; the child was seven at first contact. Of the sexually abused as children, the bulk were first assaulted at close to seven.

3) But, the Step dad never let her go. Litterally.

A grown man who keeps his hands on a ten year old girl for a solid hour and a half. Hey, if the child was a BOY and the man was a priest, would people get how creepy this is?

4) and 5) He touched and kissed her the whole evening.

If I was on a group DATE with someone, and they touched and kissed me the whole evening, I would be annoyed.

6) It was so creepy.

Intuition says, "HEY, I'm talking to you!!"

7) He had her back to his front,

Okay, even if this man was pure as the driven snow innocent, I would have to say, "Excuse me, but, if this girl's school teacher were a man, would it be a GOOD thing for her to be comfortable with HIM standing close to her back with his front? Because that's kind of what you are teaching her right now, that it's cool for a grown man to stand up against her like that."

8) and kept his hands on her chest the whole night.

Fifth grade girls are often sporting their first bra, so their "chest area" is very sensitive at this point... they KNOW that this is a sexual area of their bodies.

9) He rubbed her stomach, and

A grown man's hands on a ten year old's stomach would put his touch close to both her breast area and her pubic area. Get back, dude. Rub your wife's stomach.

10) he kissed her roughly on top of the head about six times.

Roughly. Go kiss your wife roughly, dude.

11) When they sat on a bench, he pulled her in really close, and had both arms wrapped around her.

12) She [looked] like she would rather be sitting normal, or off playing.

She did? Of course she did. She's a ten year old girl, being manhandled by her mom's boyfriend now husband.

13) and 14) the other moms and a few of the dads were bothered by it.

A few of the dads were bothered by it--this speaks volumes. If other dads noticed it and were creeped out at all, I read that as a corroboration from like a different camera angle.

15) The other ten year old asked her to come play, She said "Can I?" and the step dad, said, "Why don't you just sit with me for a while".

She asked "Can I?" and he makes the negative answer a reference to HIM and HIS needs for her presence.

16) Mostly, it just felt "wrong" to me. I just got a bad vibe from them.

Intuition.
QUOTE]

People who have been sexually molested as children, and ascended to some manner of stable adjustment as adults have the most credible viewpoints on this matter, imo. Some have offered theirs; listen.

All of the other well-meant defense in the names of known-quantity good, loving men/dads/stepdads has little or no application here. None of their situations sound similar, as they have described them. I'm sorry. They don't.

There has been an overwhelming amount of CREEP factor observed and noted by a NUMBER of ADULTS. If it were one, or even three or four things, but there were so very MANY inappropriate behaviors observed... It's overwhelming.

If this isn't inappropriate due to something like a couple of pps have suggested, like the child being some kind of special needs or social anxiety... well, SOME of the behaviors are STILL inappropriate, like the chest stuff, the stomach stuff, the back to front stuff, the rough kissing, never let her go... no, I'm sorry. This is WAY over the top.

And why is a fifth grader "finishing out the YEAR at her old school? It's NOVEMBER, not March or February. MORE of the year is AHEAD than behind.

I would definitely, absolutely find every avenue I could to gain more awareness of that family, because IF the creep factor is on the money, you, OP, may be the first and last chance this kid ever gets to escaping sexual slavery. And isn't it so much better to err on the side of caution in a situation where the innocence and future health and happiness of a CHILD is concerned? I think so.

If, God willing, you find out that this is the greatest guy who doing the best thing in the world for all concerned, then, you know what? That is fantastic, absolutely super. And this great, wonderful guy will also completely understand why his behavior came off as a possible red light to such a number of other parents of ten year-old girls in the neighborhood.

VF
post #50 of 248
Excellent post, Viewfinder!

For me it's the gut feeling the OP has. I bet if the man hadn't laid a hand on the girl, if the man were her bio father, if he had seemed cold and unloving, whatever--that that gut feeling would still be there! Listen to your gut! When you suspect that something is "off," it generally is. Not necessarily abuse, but maybe drugs, lies, secrecy....something.

I'd rather cut contact with a family (and have) to protect my children from *potential* harm, than ignore my gut to make nicey-nice with some strangers who might ruin my kids' lives. Standing idle, being polite and waiting for the other shoe to drop isn't something I'm willing to do. I'm not going to call CPS or anything, but I'm not going around people who creep me out and who I suspect of victimizing their children. Better to have to apologize to the family later for being rude/stand-offish, than have to deal with the devestation of kids who've been abused.
post #51 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by its_our_family View Post
I just thought of something. What if it was the mother that was that affectionate. Would it have seemed weird?
yes. it would still seem weird. She is 10 for crying out loud. I do not stand around groping and smooching up my 10 year old and we are seriously affectionate people. and if my dd says she wants to get up and play with all the other kids playing then by all means I encourage her. and she has social issues. These parents sound off even if tit is all perfectly innocent. She is not there to meet their needs.

10 year old girls are pubescent. there just comes a time where everyone, especially men have to back off. touching the chest is inappropriate at that point. What if your dad came up and touched your breasts? what if he held you down and kissed you for an hour when what you really wanted to do was hang out with your friends? would that be ok? at what point does it stop being ok? if not puberty then when?

And as far as sexually weird goes . . if my husband had been doing all that to me (let alone my dad) I would be creeped out. I mean gees. can you not give it a rest for 60 minutes.

At the very least the parents sound insecure and like they were using their dd as a shield or buffer. Like he needed someone comfortable he could focus on beside the other adults. Not criminal but far from healthy.
post #52 of 248
I would be inclined to keep an eye on it. I am not sure I would try to "ambush" or report anything yet.

One thing I thought of which is a spin-off of the "maybe they were uncomfortable" idea, were they drinking too? If not, is it possible they/he was uncomfortable with the adults drinking? I would never have thought of this before but I have read threads on here where people report thinking it is 100% unacceptable to drink in front of children. Perhaps he/they were of the same opinion. Perhaps they were concerned about their child witnessing alcohol consumption (leaving within 1.5 hours, having to be "dragged" over there) and felt the situation was unsafe/unsupervised due to the drinking? Maybe some of the parents on MDC that feel this way might chime in with how they would have handled the situation?

FTR, I do not think responsible drinking around children is a problem.
post #53 of 248
The way I see it is, that keeping an eye on things, and making an anonymous phone call to a professional organization to ask for advice, without mentioning any names, is unlikely to have any detrimental effects. Doing nothing, however, could potentially be devastating to that little girl if something is going on.
post #54 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yooper View Post
I would be inclined to keep an eye on it. I am not sure I would try to "ambush" or report anything yet.

One thing I thought of which is a spin-off of the "maybe they were uncomfortable" idea, were they drinking too? If not, is it possible they/he was uncomfortable with the adults drinking? I would never have thought of this before but I have read threads on here where people report thinking it is 100% unacceptable to drink in front of children. Perhaps he/they were of the same opinion. Perhaps they were concerned about their child witnessing alcohol consumption (leaving within 1.5 hours, having to be "dragged" over there) and felt the situation was unsafe/unsupervised due to the drinking? Maybe some of the parents on MDC that feel this way might chime in with how they would have handled the situation?

FTR, I do not think responsible drinking around children is a problem.
This is a good point. I didn't think of this right away either. I also think responsible drinking around children is not of concern, but if I did, I would RATHER my child go off and play with the other children, then sit and get a close up veiw of the adult chatter and tipsyness. After all, if her parents weren't drinking, they could be sure to keep a good eye on her.

Veiwfinder- good post. Totally agree with you on this. After reading it back, we lost site of some of what the OP had said. Touching chest, stomach, and the like are NOT appropriate at 10. 10 year old girls are very much self concious of the ever growing changes in their bodies.
post #55 of 248
What if, like a lot of mainstream parents, he had "grounded" her? And she had to stay with him at the party but he was hugging her and kissing her so she wouldn't be totally miserable?

I am just presenting a different scenario. There is no way to tell what is really going on. Just be alert when you see them again.
post #56 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post

From the outside, you NEVER know what the story is... there is every possibility that they're bonded and this was just them finding their "way" in a new situation.

Good post.

Although I am a little disturbed by the physical contact, especially as his hands appeared to be placed on her chest/stomach. Also, it would have been nice for him to respect her enough to trust any decision that she may have made in regards to playing with the other children.


Peace
post #57 of 248
I believe that in most states you can report suspicions of child abuse anonymously to child protective services.

I thought your story was pretty creepy. If he is doing this in public, imagine what he might be doing in private. While I understand some people's views that some families have different levels of intimacy - this sounds like a real boundary issue to me. And, personally, I would rather error on the side of protecting the child than protecting the father. But, I recognize that it is hard to get involved in this sort of thing too.

Please keep us updated about how this is going....
post #58 of 248
[QUOTE=Viewfinder;9696019]
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post

Okay, let's reiterate what the OP mentioned, because it becomes cumulative:

1) I am uncomfortable with the relationship between the ten year old girl and her Step Dad.

Intuiton is powerful, it is the inner voice to which the wise tell us to listen.

2) The parents ... have been together for three years

Merely three; the child was seven at first contact. Of the sexually abused as children, the bulk were first assaulted at close to seven.

3) But, the Step dad never let her go. Litterally.

A grown man who keeps his hands on a ten year old girl for a solid hour and a half. Hey, if the child was a BOY and the man was a priest, would people get how creepy this is?

4) and 5) He touched and kissed her the whole evening.

If I was on a group DATE with someone, and they touched and kissed me the whole evening, I would be annoyed.

6) It was so creepy.

Intuition says, "HEY, I'm talking to you!!"

7) He had her back to his front,

Okay, even if this man was pure as the driven snow innocent, I would have to say, "Excuse me, but, if this girl's school teacher were a man, would it be a GOOD thing for her to be comfortable with HIM standing close to her back with his front? Because that's kind of what you are teaching her right now, that it's cool for a grown man to stand up against her like that."

8) and kept his hands on her chest the whole night.

Fifth grade girls are often sporting their first bra, so their "chest area" is very sensitive at this point... they KNOW that this is a sexual area of their bodies.

9) He rubbed her stomach, and

A grown man's hands on a ten year old's stomach would put his touch close to both her breast area and her pubic area. Get back, dude. Rub your wife's stomach.

10) he kissed her roughly on top of the head about six times.

Roughly. Go kiss your wife roughly, dude.

11) When they sat on a bench, he pulled her in really close, and had both arms wrapped around her.

12) She [looked] like she would rather be sitting normal, or off playing.

She did? Of course she did. She's a ten year old girl, being manhandled by her mom's boyfriend now husband.

13) and 14) the other moms and a few of the dads were bothered by it.

A few of the dads were bothered by it--this speaks volumes. If other dads noticed it and were creeped out at all, I read that as a corroboration from like a different camera angle.

15) The other ten year old asked her to come play, She said "Can I?" and the step dad, said, "Why don't you just sit with me for a while".

She asked "Can I?" and he makes the negative answer a reference to HIM and HIS needs for her presence.

16) Mostly, it just felt "wrong" to me. I just got a bad vibe from them.

Intuition.
QUOTE]

People who have been sexually molested as children, and ascended to some manner of stable adjustment as adults have the most credible viewpoints on this matter, imo. Some have offered theirs; listen.

All of the other well-meant defense in the names of known-quantity good, loving men/dads/stepdads has little or no application here. None of their situations sound similar, as they have described them. I'm sorry. They don't.

There has been an overwhelming amount of CREEP factor observed and noted by a NUMBER of ADULTS. If it were one, or even three or four things, but there were so very MANY inappropriate behaviors observed... It's overwhelming.

If this isn't inappropriate due to something like a couple of pps have suggested, like the child being some kind of special needs or social anxiety... well, SOME of the behaviors are STILL inappropriate, like the chest stuff, the stomach stuff, the back to front stuff, the rough kissing, never let her go... no, I'm sorry. This is WAY over the top.

And why is a fifth grader "finishing out the YEAR at her old school? It's NOVEMBER, not March or February. MORE of the year is AHEAD than behind.

I would definitely, absolutely find every avenue I could to gain more awareness of that family, because IF the creep factor is on the money, you, OP, may be the first and last chance this kid ever gets to escaping sexual slavery. And isn't it so much better to err on the side of caution in a situation where the innocence and future health and happiness of a CHILD is concerned? I think so.

If, God willing, you find out that this is the greatest guy who doing the best thing in the world for all concerned, then, you know what? That is fantastic, absolutely super. And this great, wonderful guy will also completely understand why his behavior came off as a possible red light to such a number of other parents of ten year-old girls in the neighborhood.

VF

This. Read this VERY carefully. This is why I could consider reporting it. I think it's easy for some of us to be kind of skeptical, because this is the worldwide web, and if you don't see something like this personally, it IS easy to give the benefit of the doubt. I understand that. However, we are talking about a situation where nearly all of the adults there were creeped out by the behavior of this stepdad. Because so many people observed the situation, this leaves room for different interpretations; but if ALL involved came to the same conclusion, than that deserves some deep thought.
post #59 of 248
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momily View Post
I'm imagining a situation where the kids are in sight of the adults. You seriously wouldn't allow your 10 year old to play with other children in this circumstance?

Or are you picturing it differently?
Yes. If the kids go out, the parents go out too. None of the kids is allowed to play outside without at least two adults watching. The parents might be working in the yard, or sitting in lawn chairs doing "car patrol". But, there is always someone outside.

It's also a small street, and there is no reason to come down this street unless you live there, or know someone who does live here. We don't get a lot of traffic.
post #60 of 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by soygurl View Post
Was this it? StopItNow.com

I'm with those who think it sounds creepy. Stepfather, hands on her chest, not letting go of her when she asked to play, etc. all sounds WAY creepy to me.

its_our_family: have you read "protecting the gift"?
No, I heard of a place on here called something like Children's Advocacy Centers, or Child Advocacy that was recommended for a girl who had reported she had been molested by a family member. But I didn't bookmark or anything. Anyway, there has to be a resource somewhere where the OP can get good advice. I would consider calling the police's non emergency number and asking them where you could go for further advice about this situation. It may take a few calls but I think it is worth the time to search out feedback from someone who knows their stuff about sexual abuse, and the indicators of it.

Plus, this may or may not be the time to take action but someone really familiar with sexual abuse should be able to give great advice on what other things to watch for or whether it's time to call CPS or another agency NOW.

I don't know what the answer is but I beleive there are people with a lot of experience in this area that can give great help.
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