Preemie moms..... - Page 2

[irangel]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

Wow, I can't imagine being mad at 32-26 weekers because they are "just feeder/growers". I also think this is so false. Many babies born in those weeks are coming early because they have chromosomal and or structural abnormalities that are life threatening, their mother's body is failing to support them and they have fallen way behind in growth or their brains are at risk, and often they can need risky surgery. Babies in this gestational range are STILL at risk for the dreaded and deadly NEC and other infections. Breastfeeding is NOT as simple as you make it out to be either. I don't even know from your post if I am allowed to think I had it truly rough because according to you only pre-28 weekers do. Since I fell in the 29-31 weeks category you don't mention whether or not I get to think I had it easy or hard:. I could just as easily say you had it easy cause you only had one baby in the NICU and I had two or your baby lived and one of mine died. Very harsh! I don't get 37+ week mamas calling their kids preemie because it is clinically wrong according to all medical definitions but any preemie can have issues and real serious ones at that. As for comparing weeks in the NICU, I found that the first two or three weeks were the worst. You are in an alien and scary place you don't understand with a sick child and feeling trauma and poor health recovering from birth. None of my months in the NICU were fun, but any parent who has been in there long or short gets the sheer terror of those confusing early days. I have found this list to be very helpful to women of all gestational preemie ages and found the parents of babies born before mine at 31 weeks to be as sensitive to the pain of our experience as we were to theirs.

No matter what the circumstances of your NICU stay it's hard. Some of the sickest babies are those that are FT and have meconium aspiration.

[Le Bec]

What irks me is people's attitude. Shortly after Erin was born I met a woman who's daughter was born 30+ and had only ever been in Special Care (I don't know if you guys call it Special Care in the US, here it's a step down nursery you go to when you child is at the point of needing to grow and learn to feed), never been ventilated or even on CPAP, her only problem was that she was small (literally). This woman spent a lot of her time telling how sick and small her baby was and how horrible being in hospital had been.

The first time I met her she told me how terribly small her baby was (the conversation literally started with her saying something along the lines of "hi my name is xxx my baby is extremely small"). Of course, I got excited. To this day Erin is the smallest born baby I've ever met in real life or in person and at that point I desperately wanted to talk to mums of babies born at a similar size.

Then there's my oh so wonderful cousin who's premmie son was born at 36+ weeks so she knows exactly how I must feel because her son was under lights for two days and wont hear anything different.

It irritates me that some people can't see beyond their own experience to the honest fact that things could have been worse for them. You (general you) have been through (possibly) the hardest experience of your life, there's no doubt about that but, without taking away from that, your experiences, my experience, could have been so much worse.

[Knittin' in the Shade]

Emily, I think the point that you are missing is that when you use inflammatory words like "whining" it can be offensive.

[irangel]

Originally Posted by Knittin' in the Shade

Emily, I think the point that you are missing is that when you use inflammatory words like "whining" it can be offensive.

I was not using that particular term in reference to any person here so unless you personally feel like you "whine" it should not have been offensive.

[susienjay]

Originally Posted by ksera05

Yep. They are both horrible circumstances. But right now, man, 30-35 weeks sounds GREAT to me! I really think it's all perspective. Just like how someone whose kid is born with diaphragmic hernia (to pick a random condition out of the blue) could (and I know some who have) had an even harder course than, say, my 24 weeker. All perspective.

Are you counting down the days to 30 weeks? I started doing that around 16 weeks. I figured since I delivered at 29 last time 30 was a good goal. I just hit it yesterday and for a long time 30 seemed like an impossible goal. I went earlier last time than the time before so I kept trying to prepare myself for an even earlier baby this time. I know at this point he'd probably be a feeder/grower and I'm feeling a little more relaxed now that I hit my 30 week goal but I sure would just love to make it long enough to have a healthy baby that doesn't have to go to the NICU at all.

[sprouthead]

i can see what irangel means.. when we were in the hospital and i saw what the 24 and 25 weekers were going through- and what their families were going through, and when the NICU staff was calling my 2 lb baby the "big guy", it really put my situation into perspective for me. I realized that while my own situation was tough, it was nothing compared to other people's and it made me a lot more aware and sensitive about to whom i could really relate. But in the same way that I don't feel like I can really relate to a baby born before 28 weeks (or even after 28 weeks if they had more problems than me), i don't think people with babies born after 32 weeks can really relate to me.. unless they're babies had similar issues..

so it's the whole "i know what you're going through" attitude that i don't like..

[sweetpeasmom]

Yes, it often irks me when someone calls a 37+ a preemie. I'm like ok everything was fine and you took baby home you and that constitues a preemie? I think not.
I myself had a 36 wker for my first and I never even called her a preemie. Sometimes I say she was preterm but I never considered her a preemie at all.

But I would never discount anyone who did have a preemie and spent time in the NICU for any preemie type issue, no matter if it was a few days or months. Any amount of time in the NICU is traumatic. Then on the other hand, sometimes I can understand some of us who have had micro preemies or preemies with pretty severe issues that did spend months in the NICU and how when we hear a mom saying "well my baby was really ill and spent 3 days in the NICU" and of course we are all saying inside ourselves that we only wished our baby spent 3 days in the NICU versus 3 months and how "lucky" that mom was, even then I still have to step back and think that experience may have been awful for that mom and I don't have a right to judge but yet I still get that small emotion of yeah she was "lucky" kwim?

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by lilgsmommy

does it bother you when you hear a mom say her child was a preemie, and they were born at 37+weeks???

I feel irked by it, and tonight was no exception. A lady on MySpace messaged me from a post of mine on a preemie group. She told me her "Hunter" was also a preemie, being born at 37w5d, and was 7lbs 9oz, and she was saying how she was so thankful he needed no NICU time and went home the next day.

I sent her a polite message telling her, that I am glad to hear she had a "full term" healthy baby, but that being born at almost 38 weeks doesnt make her baby a preemie.

She messaged me back and said "Well my Dr said he was!" :

It just bothers me for some reason.......I never really realized it til now though.

I had one at 29 week, one at 33 weeks and one at 37 weeks. I don't consider my 37 weeker a preemie at all (she didn't even spend anytime in NICU). Yes and no for irking me. Yes because at 37 weeks everything is developed (including lungs, which normally develop last at 35\36 weeks) and most 37 weekers (even 35 or 36 weekers) do very well and need no NICU intervention. It's a right of passage in a way for those of us who are NICU moms (I have no other words to describe it so it may not be the right words). No, because some 37 weekers don't do well and do need NICU intervention. I don't know what the story is behind the statement. There are full term babies at 40 weeks or even over due babies at 41\42 weeks that need the NICU too - who am I to deminish the experiences of another mom regardless of what the experience\story is behind the NICU stay or the gestational age of the baby. NICU is NICU regardless of gestation - it's still a very difficult thing to go through.

Sheal

[Amys1st]

OK, put my GA cap on.....


Ladies, please please please refrain from bashing or telling someone they are whining etc. This forum is for support. Even if your FT baby spent a few minutes or hours in the nicu for observation, it was a nightmare for you and your family. Maybe not the same nightmare a micro preemie mother felt, but even so, each family has its own cross to bear and we have no right to say one is harder than the other.

Yes I had a micro preemie and I have talked to several other micro mamas here, but I have also talked to that many more not so micro preemie parents who need just as much help as I and the micro parents did when this happened to them.

MY dd came close to death's door on a few occasions. So does that make me not allowed to be scared or want to talk to someone? Can I not talk to my friend or parent here who ended up losing their baby??

We need parents who can help the other lurkers or postrs who maybe will not post here now about their 34 weeker who needed O2 for a day and is having issues with bonding and breastfeeding and the stress of the whole thing. Understand my point??

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

OK, put my GA cap on.....


Ladies, please please please refrain from bashing or telling someone they are whining etc. This forum is for support. Even if your FT baby spent a few minutes or hours in the nicu for observation, it was a nightmare for you and your family. Maybe not the same nightmare a micro preemie mother felt, but even so, each family has its own cross to bear and we have no right to say one is harder than the other.

Yes I had a micro preemie and I have talked to several other micro mamas here, but I have also talked to that many more not so micro preemie parents who need just as much help as I and the micro parents did when this happened to them.

MY dd came close to death's door on a few occasions. So does that make me not allowed to be scared or want to talk to someone? Can I not talk to my friend or parent here who ended up losing their baby??

I am asking that if you have a post that you are doing this in, please reconsider your stance and if you want to visit this forum if you're going to feel that way. We need parents who can help the other lurkers or postrs who maybe will not post here now about their 34 weeker who needed O2 for a day and is having issues with bonding and breastfeeding and the stress of the whole thing. Understand my point??

May I reiterate your statements with this:

who am I to deminish the experiences of another mom

[annettemarie]

Mamas, I am stepping in to remind you all that the primary purpose of MDC is to build community. This is not easily done when we are using unflamatory language or putting down others. Please remember that the UA says:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

as well as

Through your direct or indirect participation here you agree to make a personal effort to maintain a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for our guests and members.

This thread is just teetering on the edge of the UA, and while I'd like it to stay, it will be removed if it starts narrowly defining whose experience "counts" in a way that makes members feel unwelcome.

If you have any questions about this, please feel free to PM me.

[tbavrbab]

Originally Posted by Knittin' in the Shade

FWIW, I've been on the flip side as well and told by another NICu mama that my 34 weeker wasn't *really* a preemie because he only spent a week in the NICU.

Same thing here. I've been told that Peanut and Little Man aren't REALLY preemies. Ryan went home when I did. I can see how some people might feel he wasn't really a "preemie" he was fine at birth (problems AFTER that were numerous though)...and I don't often remember that he was early. The only time he saw the NICU doctors was at birth and then for his car seat test. Adara spent 8 days in the NICU. Nothing major. Mostly dealing with all the excess magnesium she had in her system.

I do like to correct people who think their 38weeker was a "preemie" but otherwise I don't get into the whose baby was sicker arguments with other preemie moms. I've met moms of "big" 36weekers but had a ton of trouble breathing and everything....and then I've got Ryan and Adara both of whom were breathing and mostly FINE at birth. Or as I like to say, "more prepared for their early arrival than I was."

[ella*enchanted]

Yes, it is bothersome to me to hear people refer to 37 weekers as preemies. I have had 3 babies arrive at 37 weeks, one at 35 weeks, and one at 30. I honestly remember being horribly upset over the 35 weeker and it was awful at the time. However, once Evan was born and spent nearly 7 weeks in the NICU, I realized that 35 weeks was a walk in the park. No vents, no CPAP, no umbilical line.

[Le Bec]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

Maybe not the same nightmare a micro preemie mother felt, but even so, each family has its own cross to bear and we have no right to say one is harder than the other.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, really I'm not. I just find this comment a little...odd.

"Premature" is such a ranging diagnosis. It can mean anything from a 36 weeker who spent no NICU time at all to a baby who spent months (in some cases up to and over a year) in hospital. A premature baby may have spent a few hours under phototherapy lights before going back to its mother or it may never have weened off the vent and died in hospital after months of varied interventions. It could be a "feeder and grower" which in itself is hard, or it could be a baby who will never be "normal" who came home on oxygen or worse, who still has a g-tube because they can't eat by mouth even some who will never learn to feed orally.

I guess I just don't understand how you can say that the former is comparable and equally as hard as the latter.

Again I'm really not trying to be argumentative and I hope this doesn't come across in that manner.

[Knittin' in the Shade]

Originally Posted by irangel

I was not using that particular term in reference to any person here so unless you personally feel like you "whine" it should not have been offensive.

I don't "whine," but I still took offense to your post because I think that saying anyone who has experienced the NICU (in whatever capacity their experience was) is "whining" when she's talking about that experience. It's offensive to me because it discounts other mamas' feelings, period.

[Sheal]

I think the problem is not the gestation really but the word NICU here.

NICU is NEONATAL (as in a neonate, as in a baby out of womb, not a fetus) intensive care unit. This does not refer to JUST preemie babies although I would say the majority of neonates are preemies however, there are neonates in the NICU that are both full term and over due. It's not a question of NICU or preemie here, it's a question of the experience of going through the NICU regardless of gestation, situation or what have you.

Although the original question was "does it irk you that moms of 37+ weekers call their babies preemie" the bottom line is not the actual question that's being argued but the interpretation of what a NICU baby is there for.

The expereince is still the same for all NICU moms regardless of prematurity, gestational diabetes, seizures or jaundice. It's still a NICU experience and still hard to go through both emotionally, physically and spiritually (even mentally)...so in essence the underlying question is do we have the right to diminish another NICU mother's experiences regardless of the reasons for that experience. The answer, quite simply, is no, we don't.

Sheal

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Sheal

I think the problem is not the gestation really but the word NICU here.

NICU is NEONATAL (as in a neonate, as in a baby out of womb, not a fetus) intensive care unit. This does not refer to JUST preemie babies although I would say the majority of neonates are preemies however, there are neonates in the NICU that are both full term and over due. It's not a question of NICU or preemie here, it's a question of the experience of going through the NICU regardless of gestation, situation or what have you.

Although the original question was "does it irk you that moms of 37+ weekers call their babies preemie" the bottom line is not the actual question that's being argued but the interpretation of what a NICU baby is there for.

The expereince is still the same for all NICU moms regardless of prematurity, gestational diabetes, seizures or jaundice. It's still a NICU experience and still hard to go through both emotionally, physically and spiritually (even mentally)...so in essence the underlying question is do we have the right to diminish another NICU mother's experiences regardless of the reasons for that experience. The answer, quite simply, is no, we don't.

Sheal

:

[Le Bec]

Originally Posted by Sheal

The expereince is still the same for all NICU moms regardless of prematurity, gestational diabetes, seizures or jaundice. It's still a NICU experience and still hard to go through both emotionally, physically and spiritually (even mentally)...so in essence the underlying question is do we have the right to diminish another NICU mother's experiences regardless of the reasons for that experience. The answer, quite simply, is no, we don't.l

Maybe I'm missing your point. How can my experience of being told that my baby will most likely die during delivery and then, that she will probably die in her first few days or if she doesn't suffer major complications be the same as someone who's baby was taken directly to special care to be monitored while they to grow be the same thing?

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by Le Bec

Maybe I'm missing your point. How can my experience of being told that my baby will most likely die during delivery and then, that she will probably die in her first few days or if she doesn't suffer major complications be the same as someone who's baby was taken directly to special care to be monitored while they to grow be the same thing?

You are missing my point. It's not the physical situation I am talking about or the intensity of the emotions that occur during each unique situation. I am talking about the run of emotions in each different situation and I am talking about not diminishing each person's personal experience as they have experienced it.

NICU is NEONATAL (as in a neonate, as in a baby out of womb, not a fetus) intensive care unit. This does not refer to JUST preemie babies although I would say the majority of neonates are preemies however, there are neonates in the NICU that are both full term and over due. It's not a question of NICU or preemie here, it's a question of the experience of going through the NICU regardless of gestation, situation or what have you.

This is a question of each unique experience as perceived in the eyes of the person going through that experience, to say that someone who had a full term baby with gestational diabetes does not feel the same run of emotions that a person does with a 33 weeker or a 28 weeker is falable. For instance, in both situations mom feels stress (perhaps a different intensity of stress), fear, confusion (the why me state of emotions), ect. It's not about the intensity of the emotions, it's about the same emotions. Every mom that goes through that NICU goes through the same emotions just at different levels of the emotions, some are more instense than others, it also depends on how they handle those emotions on a personal level. In the end, it's still the same run of emotions that each NICU mom goes through.

My intent was not to diminish a more severe situation (or less severe one for that matter) but denote that all NICU moms feel the same emotions but on a different tangent\intensity.

Believe me, I've gone through a severe situation with a 29 weeker and lesser one with a 33 weeker. The fact still remains that I felt the same emotions with my 33 weeker (bigger, healthier, stronger) as I did with my 29 weeker (smaller, less healthy, weaker) just at different intensities from each other. The main thing was that I was an "old pro" in the NICU and more experienced all around (as my 33 weeker was my 5th child, second NICU stay).

Sheal

[Le Bec]

No, I do see your point I just don't agree. I'm sorry you don't see that my NICU experience wasn't just based on being in a hospital. It was based on length of stay, prognosis, treatments, proceedures and surgery.

Things can be equally valid without being equal in difficulty.