what should we do about MIL?

[MammaB21]

There are so many boards on her about grandparents, and IL not sharing same veiws. In fact, just got done posting in one and finall decided to share my story in hopes someone will have some support or advice.

A little info: DD is 19mo, DH just home from Iraq, married shortly after pregnancy, (yes, unplanned but obviously wanted) and shortly before he left to his deployement. Many thought these were our reasons, but we are very much inlove and knew it was the right thing to do.

DH and MIL have many issues dating way back. She knew me, and knew we were expecting. Emidiately she questioned paternity, and stated she wouldn't have anything to do with DH, DD, me or relationship until DD was born and there was a paternity test (which we never did). Because of this she was not invited to the wedding (which was just DH, me, my mom and dad, and a courthouse). She still holds this againts us. The almost 2 years he was gone I dealt with MIL. She was rude, very distant, very 'mainstreem' in her thinking. Many accusations were thrown out, inclueding: DD not being DH's, DH marrying me out of guilt, me marrying DH for money, me not making an effort to have a relationship with her.....etc.....

My main issues with her were these:
1) she, to this day, refuses to call DD by her name. (It happends to be the name of her ex husbands, DH's fathers, daughters name, with his second wife. It supposadly the daughter MIL never got. DH has never met his half sister and it wasn't an issue for us.)
2) has not EVER said 'I love you' do DD, and doesn't show her ANY effection. I even said to her in my one and only email regarding all these issues that I didn't feel she loved DD and she didn't dissagree.

Now that DH is finally home she has NOTHING to do with me or DD. She only calls DH on his cell, and asks him to come over, but never asked for him to bring me or DD.

Again, ther are many issues still with DH and MIL, and many things I can't go into or it would take me all night.

Among the more minor issues here, she insists on giving DD candy everytime she sees her. Asks about nursing, co-sleeping, time-outs, etc....
I have allowed her to babysit after many persistance once, and DD cried the intire time. Afterword MIL was mad and blamed it on me for not letting her babysit more often. DH is ready to cut her out completely, since we feel we have tried everything and nothing works. If he goes a couple days without calling her, she calls him and sais, "I am your mother, don't you love your mother? I was a good parent, and you OWE me!!!!! Come over and clean up my leave/fix my car/take out my trash!!!!! I put a roof over your head, you need to love me!!!!!!!!!" Thats weird right??? what do I do???? help!!!

[alegna]

Your dh is right - cut her out completely.



-Angela

[trinity6232000]

What would I personally do? I wouldn't do anything. I would let dh handle it, it's his Mom, and what
ever he decided I would support his wishes in what he decided to do.

You said she doesn't call you right? So do you ever have to deal with her one on one? When she asks
about nursing, sleeping and other issues, just say everything is fine and change the subject.

She sounds like a person who needs to control things. Most likely that won't change. So don't spend
your energy believing you can change the situation. The only thing you can change is how you react
to it.

Be happy with your dh, and child, then allow your MIL to control her own world to her hearts content.
That doesn't mean you have to allow her to control you and make you upset.

[MammaB21]

thanx bothe for the support. That is SOO what I needed to hear. I agree with you, Trinity6232000, that I should try and let it go. I have tried so hard. I honestly used to get so worked up over it, I would just about have a panic attach before we had to see her (meaning just me and DD). Now that DH is home I am much less concerned, and try to ignore it to the best of my ability. I have a problem wanting no enemies in my life, and it really bugs me how much she seems to 'hate' me for no reason. What bugs me more though is how she treats DH. He is now turning to me for answers, so I can't really get out of it. A simple phone call, or visit with her, turns him into a person he and I don't like very much. I really just wish she would come around, I don't want termoil like this, we have enough going on allready. I am trying to realize that I can't 'save the world' and fix everything. : But in this case I really wished I could. I know DH is having a hard time making this decision. I feel like if I say, "just cut her out, it is the right thing to do," then I will be the bad guy later. But if I continue to say, "try and work it out," it could be detramental to our family. I think the best I can do at this point is remind myself and Dh that she is not mean on purpose, but lacks the ability to communicate and show emotion, because she is hurt. But how do you explain that to a toddler? "grandma doesn't say 'I love you' because she has abandonment issues....she loves you, but she doesn't know how to express it..." it is tough.

[Novella]

Originally Posted by alegna

Your dh is right - cut her out completely.



-Angela

:

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by MammaB21

I have tried so hard. I honestly used to get so worked up over it, I would just about have a panic attach before we had to see her (meaning just me and DD). Now that DH is home I am much less concerned, and try to ignore it to the best of my ability.

I know it's hard. It's taken me years to come to terms with my dd's paternal side (I left the relationship
with my ex when I was pregnant with her). It's not easy to let go of these feelings when it's family, no
matter if it's your blood family or not.

The reason I mentioned just supporting your dh is it has to be his choice. You can share with him things
people said here, and give him your pro's and con's, then he'll have to make the decision. That way if
things don't work out in the future with that choice, at least you know that you both put thought into it,
and he made his own choice.

Both my sister and my brother cut my parents out of their lives. Different reasons. It backfired on my
sister. She had a lot of sadness when my Mom passed away, even though they had worked their differences
out by then.

It's really easy to say cut her out. I'm not saying that isn't the right choice. It's just easy to say, and in the
end might not fix the problem.

another hug. You can use it. Take care of you.

[TinkerBelle]

I say you are a better woman than me. I would not have your issues because the first time she questioned the paternity of my child, she would have been out of my life and the baby's life, forever.

If your husband wants her cut out, then let him cut her out. If not, well, his decision. But, you and your child do not have to see her, or have anything to do with her.

[Beeblebrox]

Originally Posted by alegna

Your dh is right - cut her out completely.



-Angela

Yepp. Sorry, I just wouldn't waste anymore energy on her.

[Imogen]

I agree with alegna... cut her out completely.

She seems a very bitter woman. It's not fair that she offload her poison in yours, DD & DH direction.


Peace

[mamallama]

I agree--questioning paternity would be a deal breaker for me. I would not have any further contact.

One of my close relatives once used a racial slur to describe my husband and called my child a hateful name. I didn't invite her to our wedding, and had extremely limited contact with her for the rest of her life.

It was hard for me. I've always wanted things to be different, but the situation is what it is. I refuse to tolerate that type of abusive behaviour.

[rmzbm]

This woman is toxic to the max. Cut her out.

[KBecks]

Here's my 2 cents.

I'd be polite but keep my distance. I'd invite her over maybe twice a year for dinner at my home and sometimes attend events at her home (holidays, birthdays, the like) and just keep it cool. I'd let my DD have a little candy from Grandma without stress.

I'd ignore anything she said that I didn't like and just try and be civil.

And then I'd focus my time and energy on the 95% of the time I didn't have to deal with her at all!

[katheek77]

Your MIL and my MIL must have been separated at birth.

We've cut her out, after MANY attempts to patch things up.

Not worth it...you, your husband, and ESPECIALLY your daughter deserve better. Do you want your daughter exposed to her crueltly, disrespect, and indifference?

Toxic. Be done with it. It's your MIL's problem, not yours.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I say you are a better woman than me. I would not have your issues because the first time she questioned the paternity of my child, she would have been out of my life and the baby's life, forever.

I'm not trying to be disagreeable, this is just my point of view. It's really easy to say cut the MIL out
because of her questioning paternity, but it's not always that easy. My dd's grandmother and uncle both
pressured him to get a DNA test to determine if dd was his. I was deeply hurt, not by them, but that he
would then go along with it. I thought he knew me better than that. I thought 5 years of being together
at least meant that he could count on my word.

So I got all the information. Told him to make an appointment, I told him that when he went in for his,
dd and I would go in as well, and I would pay for the whole thing to get it over with. Dd's grandfather
took one look at her, looked at his son, and said "This is my grand-daughter". There is no question that
my dd is his, they are carbon copies of one another. That was that.

I went threw the shaky start with my dd's paternal side. There have been huge problems they created. I
stuck to my guns, never stooped to their level, and in the past 8 years I proved the person I am.

It sucked, but in the end my dd has her grandparents who do adore her. They still aren't what I would
personally wish as grandparents for my dd, but they are who they are and dd's loves them to bits.

MIL (if I would have been married) has problems, she creates big drama in her family. I proved to her
that I don't bend so easy, and I don't involved myself in that drama. So now her focus of that is on her
own kids. They don't ever involve me or dd in it any longer. I didn't play the game, so I guess it wasn't
fun for her.

Originally Posted by KBecks

Here's my 2 cents.

I'd be polite but keep my distance. I'd invite her over maybe twice a year for dinner at my home and sometimes attend events at her home (holidays, birthdays, the like) and just keep it cool. I'd let my DD have a little candy from Grandma without stress.

I'd ignore anything she said that I didn't like and just try and be civil.

And then I'd focus my time and energy on the 95% of the time I didn't have to deal with her at all!

:

[tammyswanson]

Originally Posted by MammaB21

"I am your mother, don't you love your mother? I was a good parent, and you OWE me!!!!! Come over and clean up my leave/fix my car/take out my trash!!!!! I put a roof over your head, you need to love me!!!!!!!!!" Thats weird right??? what do I do???? help!!!

Your MIL is using your DD as a pawn, to try and control you and your DH. She is mad at you and your DH, and is taking out her anger on your DD by being distant and not showing her affection, as well as doing the opposite of what you want (like giving her candy). Because your MIL has chosen to be this way, she can't be trusted. She is very manipulative and is trying to use guilt to force DH to do her bidding. She is a sad person. And toxic. If your DH wants to cut ties to her, he should at least tell her exactly why he is doing it (because of how she acts). If she brings up the abovementioned quote, maybe your DH should ask her if she had him so she would have a slave to manipulate? If she acts like this, I wonder if she truly loves her own son.

I'm sorry you have a MIL like that.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by alegna

Your dh is right - cut her out completely.



-Angela

:

Let your DH handle her. I don't think he should be going over there constantly without his wife and child, and I don't see any reason you should subject your child to her grandmother's tantrums. Giving her candy but no affection and won't even use the child's name?

I think you should support your DH if he chooses to cut her out of your lives.