Total rant.... (long)

[Mrsboyko]

MY DD has dairy issues. No butter, milk, cheese, none of that good stuff. Since I am BF'ing that means none of it for me either. It took a long time to figure it all out (like almost 6 months), but now that we have, she is healthy, eczema free, not snotty all the time and various other things are going better too. So why is it that every time we are at MIL's house, she tries to play it like I am lying or making it up or whatever?
"Oh, the mashed potatoes only have a little butter and milk in them, it will be fine."
Um, no it won't.
"Oh, we didn't want her getting messy with the pasta and sauce, so we gave her some leftover beef stroganoff".
Really, I could have sworn that was made with CREAM!!
So we had her birthday party this weekend at their house. I found her a piece of vegan cake, no dairy, no eggs (which she also has issues with). It was actually pretty good.
"What is the worst that would happen if she had some real cake?"
You mean the butter cream frosted canoli cake? Oh, nothing but 4 days of diarrhea, snot everywhere, full body eczema breakout, you know, nothing much.

So after the cake was done, she kept going with it. My DH had many of the same issues my DD has when he was a baby (I love genetics. She tells me "Well, eventually Chris just grew out of it, he's fine now."
So, when, like 2-4ish. That is when they normally grow out of stuff.
"No, probably more like 12 or 13 years old. He just dealt with it. We never modified his diet. I never had to change what i was eating or anything while nursing."
So you MADE him 'just deal with it' for 12 years instead of changing his diet a little. Are you serious?!?!

Why do people think it is okay to make a child suffer when it would be so easy to change things? Yes, I miss cheese. I have lost a lot of weight and am now kinda under weight due to the lack of dairy (or something, IDK). I can see if she was concerned for my health, but to completely disregard the health of my daughter because it isn't convenient is not okay. This woman has been getting nuttier over the years. I swear she is loosing her mind. At the same party she was berating my SIL about how she takes care of my nephew (who is 2 weeks younger than my DD) because she (gasp) picks him up every time he cries. SO we should ignore him? Crazy lady.....

[anthasam]

Yikes!! I don't understand people like that. I watch DD like a hawk around family, but luckily, most ask me first.

[elmh23]

My MIL doesn't understand that a two year old (at the time) with life threatening peanut allergies and avoiding tree nuts for fear of the same reaction, wouldn't be able to eat cake with pecan frosting. Cause surely if you don't want her eating the frosting, you can just scrape it off. Never mind the fact that at 2 she ONLY likes the frosting AND cross-contamination would be an issue. Same woman keeps peanuts our for snacking at family dinners (my husband and I just move them on top of the fridge and dh gives her a nice lecture on it, she still does it.)

Oh and why can't I eat nuts? Surely only nursing once a day wouldn't be a problem (dispite the fact that I'm also nursing my infant son who we're keeping peanut adn nut free until at least 3, probably 4.)

We've taken to bringing our own food to family things and when she asks why we explain to her that it's obvious to hard for her to remember to keep things peanut, tree nut adn soy (another allergen of dd's) free and so we HAVE to or else her granddaughter can die. Guilt is good IMO.

[MommaGreenBean]

I have to watch mine like a hawk around my in-laws too. Ours is minor allergies and sensitivities, but all the same, I don't want to be up all night with a baby who can't sleep because she got a little red food dye. It's not fair to her. Everyone does okay as long as I give them food they can give her, except MIL, MIL I have to take the child to the BATHROOM with me because I can't trust her to 'prove' to me that she'll be 'fine' with 'fun food' in the 26 seconds it takes me to pee.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

"No, probably more like 12 or 13 years old. He just dealt with it. We never modified his diet. I never had to change what i was eating or anything while nursing."
So you MADE him 'just deal with it' for 12 years instead of changing his diet a little. Are you serious?!?!

I'm actually guessing this is the root of her denial. She probably can't look at her own behaviour around food because then she would probably have to deal with the fact that she didn't pursue it with her son.

I wonder if talking about that a bit with her would help. It might not, but it might be worth a try - like "wow, we sure know a lot more now than we did then. I hope you don't feel bad about your parenting, because I know you raised a great person that I love." Just let that sink in. And then, later, "hey we really do know now that these small quantities count. I need your help with this."

[jillmamma]

I would be VERY careful about leaving my baby anywhere near food around her. I like the idea of talking it over with her how so much more research has been done now where we know better about food and how it affects people with allergies/sensitivities. Maybe she would be willing to work with you to look up and try some new recipes that are dairy free as well? Or modifiy some of her current favorites?

[Mrsboyko]

This is an Italian family. Meaning everything is smothered in cheese. Modifying recipes is not something she is willing to do just so DD and I can have what they have. i have been there and tried to make suggestions while she is cooking and she ignores me.
"oh, you can just pick the cheese off if you don't want it"
Yea, but still....

We are going to see her allergist tomorrow, so maybe the word of a doctor will make her more compliant. IDK. She will probably think I am making it up when I tell her :.

It did cross my mind that she is saying this stuff because she feels bad about how she raised my DH, but why try to perpetuate the problem? I think it comes down to trying not to inconveniencing anyone. If it were really a problem to inconvenience myself for my DD's well being, there are a lot of things I could do to make life easier. Sure, I could use sposies, I could just give her formula, I could let her CIO, I could buy non-organic all the time, but I choose not to and she doesn't understand any of that. I don't see the way I take care of my DD as an inconvenience, I see it as life with my child, but she doesn't. Her other grandchildren are all being *raised* (for lack of a better word) in the most convenient ways possible.

[MichelleAnnette]

"MIL, I know you love your grandchild, so for her safety we will not be visiting your home until you recognize her food allergies and agree to change the meal plan while we are at your house."

We thankfully do not have any big issues with any family members but that is partially b/c I have been extremely firm about how we parent. In our family it is clear that if you piss off mom, you don't see baby. It is my job to protect him until he can do it for himself. I am the product of AP. =)

[Red Sonja]

I heard a lot of that after DS was born. "Oh, just have a few bites, it won't hurt him." "It doesn't have butter, just margarine." (Most of which has some dairy, plus he was also sensitive to soy.)

No advice, just commiseration. Luckily we had moved cross-country before also dairy & soy sensitive DD was born.

[Britishmum]

I can really identify with this, although more from acquaintances than family. I've had "Oh, yes, my child used to get a rash from eating eggs too, so I understand that you need to be careful....."

Umm, my child will DIE from eating eggs (or a number of other foods). Not just get an inconvenient rash or a few hives.

So please, I don't offer arsenic to your child, so please don't give it to mine. :

[hubris]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

Why do people think it is okay to make a child suffer when it would be so easy to change things?

Because they were raised by people who never respected them, and so they honestly don't understand how disrespectful they are of other people? To them it's normal.

It's really sad how many people completely lack compassion for their fellow human beings, including children.

Good for you for making tough sacrifices for the benefit of your child! I hope your MIL eventually comes around. I agree with the poster who suggested that until she does, you not allow her to have unsupervised time with your DD. Your idea to relay the doctor's advice to her sounds good. In fact, would the doc consider writing a letter or a "prescription" for you to share with family members who don't *get it*?? You might even draft something yourself and ask the pediatrician to sign it - it could include a list of ingredients (like casein and other hidden dairy) for them to avoid when purchasing food she will eat.

[dulce de leche]

I feel your pain. Dd has (thankfully!) outgrown allergies to dairy and peanuts, is still allergic to wheat, eggs, olives and green beans. Back when we were still dairy-free, MIL seemed a little miffed that I made my own mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. "mine don't have milk!" "Oh, what did you use?" "Just a lot of butter" : She also didn't think that white bread contains wheat.

[VisionaryMom]

We are dealing with this right now, too. DH just called his mom and had a lengthy discussion in which he made her detail everything she's making for Thanksgiving dinner. She wasn't happy, but the only other option is us not going, which DH is perfectly willing to do.

MIL believes that she knows far more about the friggin' allergies than we do - as if we don't LIVE with them every single day. So, she'll say, "oh, no, feta cheese is fine." Not so. If you get REAL feta from a sheep farmer, yes, but any packaged brand is made w/ cow's milk. Or "whipped cream doesn't actually have cream." Yes it does. It goes on.

Our big problem is with her wanting to give everyone else something and make DS eat something else. So, she'll try to give him shredded carrots on his tacos instead of shredded cheese. Um, he knows the difference. He LOVES cheese and still cries in the grocery store because he can't get it. So I don't understand why they can't be without for the brief times we're there.

God, I could go on about this forever. In the end, for me, it's just so disrespectful. DS isn't allowed to stay there without us and probably won't ever be. She can't be trusted with the food issues plain and simple. (She also pulls the "DH had milk allergies. We just limited how much we gave him.") Okay, well, my kid's been to the hospital with the allergies, so I don't think we're on the same page. Plus, I'm pretty sure DH had a lactose intolerance, not a milk allergy.

Anyway, yes, I feel your pain. It drives me nuts. (no pun intended for pb allergy moms)