Put aside my ego and added the birthing pictures online.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2087634...7603178586638/
~~~~~~~~~
It is long mamas but great I think for those hours up waiting for baby to come!
~~~~~~~~~
Birth
The power of a mother is amazing to me. It is like other powers I often deny even though I see them over and over, they just seem too extraordinary. Last night was much like that but I guess one would have to have seen the events leading up to it.
A pregnancy we thought not possible but laughed at the joy of it. My husband came home on two weeks of leave from Iraq and we got pregnant. Never before had I been so sick when pregnant. Not just my body sick losing weight 25lbs, but also my mental state. Thankfully I had friends who tolerated me as best as anyone could. I must admit I did not feel bonded to baby for a very long time. I was bitter in many ways, one being that this baby was already seeming to take so much time and energy from my beloved children. Homeschooling was so hard simply because I had little energy, patience, and ability to focus. I dreaded the time my toddler son would lose because I would be having to focus on baby. My daughter is thankfully very motherly and is a wonderful help with her little brother and they are much attached to eachother. It would have to be ok.
A home birth was planned as it had been since my sons hospital birth. I had loved a painless labor with him till 7cm and then a harsh and tramatic 20 minute birth where the Dr did little but laugh at me and catch and get in my way. We knew then that we certainly did not need without good reason, a hospital to bring a baby into the world in peace.
At 38 weeks I was checked, found to be at 3cm. This was no shock as I had been having contractions for well over a week. Shortly after contractions started to come at a solid 3 minutes apart but not very painful. Midwife came 6 hours after and said I was only at a 4. She knew it was not real labor. My membrains where stripped though, not on purpose but because it was so hard to tell what my cervix was doing. Over the nex two days I lost my plug in a bloody yucky mess. Everyone went home and I curled up for 6 more hours of contractions only these where painful but I felt emotionally broken and done. They went away and I was happy to spend the next week more oven in bed or the bath tub trying to avoid contractions.
The following Saturday at Midnight my water broke, baby was very active and I had some contractions but nothing that was all that convincing. I was happy to lay in bed and wait for others to get some good sleep so I could get help in the morning. Only by morning the contractions seemed rare. All this made harder though by my knowing I could be in labor and hardly know it, as with my son. This concerned my wonderful doula and birthing support Carrie. We went shopping, we walked, we tried the breast pump, we walked, we pumped, we curb walked, and by 2am we started to fill the birthing pool as I was feeling pain but before I knew it, I was laying down, and asleep, and when I woke at almost 4am, everyone else had crashed as well. It had been over 24 hours and everyone warned me about a c-section in the hospital after 24 hours. Baby was kicking and seemed well and I just would not give up. Support had to leave though and I was left alone to pump and do what I could in the house. I did not like that the midwives where not there helping to get labor going. They finally sent a student, Julie, to check on baby heart tones and me. I was told to keep at trying to get labor started with the pump and walking and would talk to them again that night. That night I was told we could try castor oil. At this point I was all for it. Only a call back I was told that the main midwife was not ok inducing at night even though I had rested a lot. I felt horrible, I felt like I was on a horrible clock and it was made worse hearing the student midwife would be back to check heart tones and get me to sign a waveir saying I refused transport to the hospital. I was expected to sleep and try castor oil in the morning. I just could not handle it. I was feeling like my labor was being put on hold for the convinence of others. I could see doing it in the AM if mother needed to be well rested, but I was. I felt like we had waiting too long already to do something. My fear was getting the better of me. I do not feel that the hospital is the safe place to give birth with all the interventions and high infant and mother mortality rates compaired to other countries who have higher home birth rates. Baby was ok, though with how different this birth was going, I felt something was just not right. 70% of women who have membrains stripped go into labor within 24 hours. 90% of women go into labor 24 hours after their water breaks. What was wrong with me? Am I so rare or strange? Maybe.
After being told I would have to rest that night and all my fears, my next emotion was Anger. I was upset at so many things and feeling like I had no options and the midwives where not helping as I wanted them too. I thought about doing castor oil on my own. I thought about going to the hospital and not telling them when my water broke in hopes of an induction and not a c-section. I thought about having the baby without the midwives even. I was not being rational and some people think I was in a state of transition then. In any case, the anger helped me think I had options and that some how made it ok. I needed to feel like I could keep baby safe. Carrie was worried and I think she thought the hospital the best option at that point, just to get it over with as if something was wrong with baby she knew I would not forgive myself. My doula Steph seemed to have more faith and listened to all my ranting without judgement and tried to make my believed options seem more available to me. I could breath again.
8pm the contractions started with me having done nothing but found some kind of control and trust in myself again. They where hard but only a hand full at first, and then every 5-2 minutes. It was funny as they stayed this way till about 10pm. The 5 minute ones took my concentration but the ones that came at 2 minutes hardly got my attention. The student midwife showed up and got ready and very much believed it was real labor. She had a feeling she said, thus she was staying in town close and not an hour away. I waited for her to check me as I knew this was it and checking me would speed things up and my doula had not arrived yet. Only it was not too long before I was not getting any time between the contractions and badly wanted in the birthing pool then almost full thanks to wonder women Carrie. She checked me and I was at 9. I got into the tub fast at that point, fully forgetting my phone was in the bra part of the cami I was wearing. Yes, I killed the phone but I was just so happy to be in the water and it helped. It slowed everything down and I was my blissful self and feeling like I could ride the top of most of the contractions. Doula came and it was a lot better. I felt ready. I felt no need for any of the midwives that I had thus far found to do little but argue with me. I liked the student midwife, she seemed to be on my side and had planned to do the castor oil with me till she was told not to. Not to mention she seemed to trust me. That is priceless by the way. Steph knew just what to say and when to be quiet and I where to push on my back. Friends from church came, Aurolynn and Joe. She had not seen a birth before and wanted to and I had no problem sharing the moment as I knew then I would have no modisty issues. Joe came to and I knew him to have seen many births and they both are peaceful bright souls. Midwife Mel showed up soon after. She had a smile, though I heard her at some point venting about my stuborn self telling her I was having a baby that night and there I was doing it. LOL
Hubby called sometime and I could not really focus to talk and it was enough to know that he knew baby was coming and all was ok. I felt like if I talked to him I might break. I could not imagin how he must have felt missing this and being so far. I had to take care of me and baby and trust him to be strong and take care of himself too. He was set to call back in a little while.
I was using hypnobabies in my head, mostly telling myself "peace" and "ralax" and "Deeper" and "Open" and trying to pray and give thanks for the moment. If I could get quiet at the start of a contraction I could ride the top and be ok. If my focus was gone I was moving all over and breathin funny or holding my breath. At some point the contractions started to come faster then I felt I ould handle and all other noise and light was too much. Steph seemed to know this without me telling her and took care of it. Transition was hitting and I think I ended up sobbing some and mentioning it was More then I was. Steph reminded me it was ok and yes, it was More. I could not stay on top. I felt I had to ask my company to please hush when I was in a contraction. I felt bad asking but I felt I was starting to shake from the pain and I had to do better. I got my wireless head phones on just in time to listen to hypnobabies birthing afirmation. It helped block out the world. I could not hear the words really but by then I think I was in that between worlds place. My rational mind shut down. Carrie came to hold my hand while Steph tried to give me back relief. I remember saying I felt the ring of fire but I said it in a voice that sounded distant even to me. I felt blessed it was moving so fast. It felt like the birth I had been waiting for and had expected. Nothing like the past week that had me so confused.
Not sure how long I pushed, it seemed fast, I remember saying little then asking baby "out" twice when I pushed. I was honestly trying not to push fast as I did not want stitches but my body seemed to be taking baby with it. Out and out. I was craving that moment of relief when baby finally is free. That moment is a natural high I can not explain a moment it seems one can live their whole lives for. Baby was out and head phones taken off me as I was helped to sit back in the water and baby was put on my chest with a towel over her. She was perfect, but still I just needed to hear them say so, over and over I guess as I kept asking. When I felt sure she was ok, even though it seemed they where trying hard to get her to cry, I asked for someone to take her so I could get out of the pool and let go of the placenta and end my work for the moment. I felt done and the peace I had when the baby was coming out, was no longer with me. The cord stopped pulsing, was clamped and I was happy Carrie got to cut it as she had really helped me be ok this pregnancy and I felt the baby and I owed her a great deal. I was happy baby was then considered on her own and well. To the sofa I waddled and dreaded the contractions to bring the placenta as I was by then too in my body and head again. It came in one push though all was well with that too. Some clean up, no stitches, and then to bed with baby and I so we could try and breastfeed. I was happy to let Steph cuddle with baby while this was happening. Baby seemed more interested in looking at the world then eating at first, she did latch and did suck some. My friends took their leave and I was happy they could be there to witness such an event I felt I badly needed to heal past births for me and because this little one needed others energy to celebrate her entrance when so many had been worried or even negative about a homebirth and the waters having broken.
I learned something then. Her cord had a full knot in it. If I had been in a hospital or situation where someone tried to force me to push, it could have killed her. Thus I had such a odd labor that had stopped and why I had say at 9 for so long. Baby had to move in a way that would not make the knot tighter.
Liberty Marie rested well after everyone relaxed and left. Carrie spent the night in my room to make me feel better, just incase. Kids all at her house with a sitter for the night. I was up late, woke baby to try and feed and change her diaper and deal with the horrible after pains. I do mean horrible. How I shall make it on just Tylenol as the midwives say I must is beyond me right now. Carrie went home in the morning to care for all the kids. Baby and I rested and tried to nurse and diapers in the quiet of the day. She seems like a quiet baby so far. She is no expert nurser yet, and sometimes hard to wake up and get to try but she does enough to make my utirus cause me to tear up and ive at least damp diapers. I hope my milk comes in soon to give her more interest then just using me as a pacifier. LOL
Daddy is vert thrilled all went as it should and I did not let myself get pushed into a hospital birth. The recovery and safety of home is just not at all the same. I know he must be sad he missed it but I also know he is happy it is over and went well and he should be home in a month. He loves it when I am super Mommy. hehehehe Again, having people who trust you and support you is so important.
3pm and baby is over 12 hours old. My little ones came home to give Carrie time to nap as she sounds so drained on the phone. Toby being only two in a few weeks was thrilled to just be on me. It took him a moment to notice the small person next to me. For some odd reason he pointed to baby and said "ouchy" and I could not argue with him. Crystal told him all about the baby and then he was happy pointing and saying "baby"
He picked up a blanket and put it on baby and seemed very pleased with himself. He was not horever thrilled with the nap time I want him to have that he was refusing to take for Carrie but some cuddles and he was off to sleep. Daughter has a cold it seems and just besides herself wanting to be right near baby. You can see where this is leading right? I hope to get some time with her this evening to read together when her little siblings are sleeping. She wants to paint for the baby and I must say I have that need too. It will have to wait a few days though I am thinking. Must take things easy and go slow and do only what I really need to.
In the end, even with all the things that seemed chaos, the bad timing of hubby not being here, the worry and the fears and everything that just did not seem right, the birthing was beautiful and perfect and not at all tramatic. I have to be feeling like myself as I was to say to a few people, like a little child, "told you so LOL." None of it though would have been possible without the support I will forever be greatful for. Birthing is so much more about spirit and energy I think then the midical side of it. No matter where the birth is I really feel like those there are who help it be what it needs to or makes it harder then it needs to me. I am very blessed and lucky.
Thank you Steph, Carrie, and Julie for trusting and supporting me. Thank You Aurolynn and Joe for sharing such a special time and doing so with peace and joyful energy. Thank you Mel for the smiles even though I know you must have wanted to strangle me for being so annoying and stuborn. Alex for being brave and so grown up, graceful and Funny and help with Crystal. And Hubby who always trusted me to do the research and fight for what is best for our children and for keeping himself ok durring this hard time. And also Nessa, the sitter the kids adore!
So much love.
And lastly, thank you to all those who prayed and offered support from afar and those I am sure I have not mentioned. It really does help.
Liberty Marie
12:51am 11/12/07
19 1/2" Long and 7lbs 10oz.
Home water birth.
Perfect
Blessings,
Kimmy
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2087634...7603178586638/
~~~~~~~~~
It is long mamas but great I think for those hours up waiting for baby to come!
~~~~~~~~~
Birth
The power of a mother is amazing to me. It is like other powers I often deny even though I see them over and over, they just seem too extraordinary. Last night was much like that but I guess one would have to have seen the events leading up to it.
A pregnancy we thought not possible but laughed at the joy of it. My husband came home on two weeks of leave from Iraq and we got pregnant. Never before had I been so sick when pregnant. Not just my body sick losing weight 25lbs, but also my mental state. Thankfully I had friends who tolerated me as best as anyone could. I must admit I did not feel bonded to baby for a very long time. I was bitter in many ways, one being that this baby was already seeming to take so much time and energy from my beloved children. Homeschooling was so hard simply because I had little energy, patience, and ability to focus. I dreaded the time my toddler son would lose because I would be having to focus on baby. My daughter is thankfully very motherly and is a wonderful help with her little brother and they are much attached to eachother. It would have to be ok.
A home birth was planned as it had been since my sons hospital birth. I had loved a painless labor with him till 7cm and then a harsh and tramatic 20 minute birth where the Dr did little but laugh at me and catch and get in my way. We knew then that we certainly did not need without good reason, a hospital to bring a baby into the world in peace.
At 38 weeks I was checked, found to be at 3cm. This was no shock as I had been having contractions for well over a week. Shortly after contractions started to come at a solid 3 minutes apart but not very painful. Midwife came 6 hours after and said I was only at a 4. She knew it was not real labor. My membrains where stripped though, not on purpose but because it was so hard to tell what my cervix was doing. Over the nex two days I lost my plug in a bloody yucky mess. Everyone went home and I curled up for 6 more hours of contractions only these where painful but I felt emotionally broken and done. They went away and I was happy to spend the next week more oven in bed or the bath tub trying to avoid contractions.
The following Saturday at Midnight my water broke, baby was very active and I had some contractions but nothing that was all that convincing. I was happy to lay in bed and wait for others to get some good sleep so I could get help in the morning. Only by morning the contractions seemed rare. All this made harder though by my knowing I could be in labor and hardly know it, as with my son. This concerned my wonderful doula and birthing support Carrie. We went shopping, we walked, we tried the breast pump, we walked, we pumped, we curb walked, and by 2am we started to fill the birthing pool as I was feeling pain but before I knew it, I was laying down, and asleep, and when I woke at almost 4am, everyone else had crashed as well. It had been over 24 hours and everyone warned me about a c-section in the hospital after 24 hours. Baby was kicking and seemed well and I just would not give up. Support had to leave though and I was left alone to pump and do what I could in the house. I did not like that the midwives where not there helping to get labor going. They finally sent a student, Julie, to check on baby heart tones and me. I was told to keep at trying to get labor started with the pump and walking and would talk to them again that night. That night I was told we could try castor oil. At this point I was all for it. Only a call back I was told that the main midwife was not ok inducing at night even though I had rested a lot. I felt horrible, I felt like I was on a horrible clock and it was made worse hearing the student midwife would be back to check heart tones and get me to sign a waveir saying I refused transport to the hospital. I was expected to sleep and try castor oil in the morning. I just could not handle it. I was feeling like my labor was being put on hold for the convinence of others. I could see doing it in the AM if mother needed to be well rested, but I was. I felt like we had waiting too long already to do something. My fear was getting the better of me. I do not feel that the hospital is the safe place to give birth with all the interventions and high infant and mother mortality rates compaired to other countries who have higher home birth rates. Baby was ok, though with how different this birth was going, I felt something was just not right. 70% of women who have membrains stripped go into labor within 24 hours. 90% of women go into labor 24 hours after their water breaks. What was wrong with me? Am I so rare or strange? Maybe.
After being told I would have to rest that night and all my fears, my next emotion was Anger. I was upset at so many things and feeling like I had no options and the midwives where not helping as I wanted them too. I thought about doing castor oil on my own. I thought about going to the hospital and not telling them when my water broke in hopes of an induction and not a c-section. I thought about having the baby without the midwives even. I was not being rational and some people think I was in a state of transition then. In any case, the anger helped me think I had options and that some how made it ok. I needed to feel like I could keep baby safe. Carrie was worried and I think she thought the hospital the best option at that point, just to get it over with as if something was wrong with baby she knew I would not forgive myself. My doula Steph seemed to have more faith and listened to all my ranting without judgement and tried to make my believed options seem more available to me. I could breath again.
8pm the contractions started with me having done nothing but found some kind of control and trust in myself again. They where hard but only a hand full at first, and then every 5-2 minutes. It was funny as they stayed this way till about 10pm. The 5 minute ones took my concentration but the ones that came at 2 minutes hardly got my attention. The student midwife showed up and got ready and very much believed it was real labor. She had a feeling she said, thus she was staying in town close and not an hour away. I waited for her to check me as I knew this was it and checking me would speed things up and my doula had not arrived yet. Only it was not too long before I was not getting any time between the contractions and badly wanted in the birthing pool then almost full thanks to wonder women Carrie. She checked me and I was at 9. I got into the tub fast at that point, fully forgetting my phone was in the bra part of the cami I was wearing. Yes, I killed the phone but I was just so happy to be in the water and it helped. It slowed everything down and I was my blissful self and feeling like I could ride the top of most of the contractions. Doula came and it was a lot better. I felt ready. I felt no need for any of the midwives that I had thus far found to do little but argue with me. I liked the student midwife, she seemed to be on my side and had planned to do the castor oil with me till she was told not to. Not to mention she seemed to trust me. That is priceless by the way. Steph knew just what to say and when to be quiet and I where to push on my back. Friends from church came, Aurolynn and Joe. She had not seen a birth before and wanted to and I had no problem sharing the moment as I knew then I would have no modisty issues. Joe came to and I knew him to have seen many births and they both are peaceful bright souls. Midwife Mel showed up soon after. She had a smile, though I heard her at some point venting about my stuborn self telling her I was having a baby that night and there I was doing it. LOL
Hubby called sometime and I could not really focus to talk and it was enough to know that he knew baby was coming and all was ok. I felt like if I talked to him I might break. I could not imagin how he must have felt missing this and being so far. I had to take care of me and baby and trust him to be strong and take care of himself too. He was set to call back in a little while.
I was using hypnobabies in my head, mostly telling myself "peace" and "ralax" and "Deeper" and "Open" and trying to pray and give thanks for the moment. If I could get quiet at the start of a contraction I could ride the top and be ok. If my focus was gone I was moving all over and breathin funny or holding my breath. At some point the contractions started to come faster then I felt I ould handle and all other noise and light was too much. Steph seemed to know this without me telling her and took care of it. Transition was hitting and I think I ended up sobbing some and mentioning it was More then I was. Steph reminded me it was ok and yes, it was More. I could not stay on top. I felt I had to ask my company to please hush when I was in a contraction. I felt bad asking but I felt I was starting to shake from the pain and I had to do better. I got my wireless head phones on just in time to listen to hypnobabies birthing afirmation. It helped block out the world. I could not hear the words really but by then I think I was in that between worlds place. My rational mind shut down. Carrie came to hold my hand while Steph tried to give me back relief. I remember saying I felt the ring of fire but I said it in a voice that sounded distant even to me. I felt blessed it was moving so fast. It felt like the birth I had been waiting for and had expected. Nothing like the past week that had me so confused.
Not sure how long I pushed, it seemed fast, I remember saying little then asking baby "out" twice when I pushed. I was honestly trying not to push fast as I did not want stitches but my body seemed to be taking baby with it. Out and out. I was craving that moment of relief when baby finally is free. That moment is a natural high I can not explain a moment it seems one can live their whole lives for. Baby was out and head phones taken off me as I was helped to sit back in the water and baby was put on my chest with a towel over her. She was perfect, but still I just needed to hear them say so, over and over I guess as I kept asking. When I felt sure she was ok, even though it seemed they where trying hard to get her to cry, I asked for someone to take her so I could get out of the pool and let go of the placenta and end my work for the moment. I felt done and the peace I had when the baby was coming out, was no longer with me. The cord stopped pulsing, was clamped and I was happy Carrie got to cut it as she had really helped me be ok this pregnancy and I felt the baby and I owed her a great deal. I was happy baby was then considered on her own and well. To the sofa I waddled and dreaded the contractions to bring the placenta as I was by then too in my body and head again. It came in one push though all was well with that too. Some clean up, no stitches, and then to bed with baby and I so we could try and breastfeed. I was happy to let Steph cuddle with baby while this was happening. Baby seemed more interested in looking at the world then eating at first, she did latch and did suck some. My friends took their leave and I was happy they could be there to witness such an event I felt I badly needed to heal past births for me and because this little one needed others energy to celebrate her entrance when so many had been worried or even negative about a homebirth and the waters having broken.
I learned something then. Her cord had a full knot in it. If I had been in a hospital or situation where someone tried to force me to push, it could have killed her. Thus I had such a odd labor that had stopped and why I had say at 9 for so long. Baby had to move in a way that would not make the knot tighter.
Liberty Marie rested well after everyone relaxed and left. Carrie spent the night in my room to make me feel better, just incase. Kids all at her house with a sitter for the night. I was up late, woke baby to try and feed and change her diaper and deal with the horrible after pains. I do mean horrible. How I shall make it on just Tylenol as the midwives say I must is beyond me right now. Carrie went home in the morning to care for all the kids. Baby and I rested and tried to nurse and diapers in the quiet of the day. She seems like a quiet baby so far. She is no expert nurser yet, and sometimes hard to wake up and get to try but she does enough to make my utirus cause me to tear up and ive at least damp diapers. I hope my milk comes in soon to give her more interest then just using me as a pacifier. LOL
Daddy is vert thrilled all went as it should and I did not let myself get pushed into a hospital birth. The recovery and safety of home is just not at all the same. I know he must be sad he missed it but I also know he is happy it is over and went well and he should be home in a month. He loves it when I am super Mommy. hehehehe Again, having people who trust you and support you is so important.
3pm and baby is over 12 hours old. My little ones came home to give Carrie time to nap as she sounds so drained on the phone. Toby being only two in a few weeks was thrilled to just be on me. It took him a moment to notice the small person next to me. For some odd reason he pointed to baby and said "ouchy" and I could not argue with him. Crystal told him all about the baby and then he was happy pointing and saying "baby"
He picked up a blanket and put it on baby and seemed very pleased with himself. He was not horever thrilled with the nap time I want him to have that he was refusing to take for Carrie but some cuddles and he was off to sleep. Daughter has a cold it seems and just besides herself wanting to be right near baby. You can see where this is leading right? I hope to get some time with her this evening to read together when her little siblings are sleeping. She wants to paint for the baby and I must say I have that need too. It will have to wait a few days though I am thinking. Must take things easy and go slow and do only what I really need to.
In the end, even with all the things that seemed chaos, the bad timing of hubby not being here, the worry and the fears and everything that just did not seem right, the birthing was beautiful and perfect and not at all tramatic. I have to be feeling like myself as I was to say to a few people, like a little child, "told you so LOL." None of it though would have been possible without the support I will forever be greatful for. Birthing is so much more about spirit and energy I think then the midical side of it. No matter where the birth is I really feel like those there are who help it be what it needs to or makes it harder then it needs to me. I am very blessed and lucky.
Thank you Steph, Carrie, and Julie for trusting and supporting me. Thank You Aurolynn and Joe for sharing such a special time and doing so with peace and joyful energy. Thank you Mel for the smiles even though I know you must have wanted to strangle me for being so annoying and stuborn. Alex for being brave and so grown up, graceful and Funny and help with Crystal. And Hubby who always trusted me to do the research and fight for what is best for our children and for keeping himself ok durring this hard time. And also Nessa, the sitter the kids adore!
So much love.
And lastly, thank you to all those who prayed and offered support from afar and those I am sure I have not mentioned. It really does help.
Liberty Marie
12:51am 11/12/07
19 1/2" Long and 7lbs 10oz.
Home water birth.
Perfect
Blessings,
Kimmy
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