should i switch to homeschool or stay in public school?

[raversangel]

I posted this on the homeschool thread as well, but wanted opinions of public school moms as well

K, well my son is 6 and is in K at the public school across the street and he is doing wonderfully and his teacher is great to work with! We believe that he has the higher range of Aspergers b/c of several things, the major being that he has absolutly NO CLUE about social situations...me and my husband will joke around and hint at things and be sarcastic around him and he just flat out doesn't get it while his 2.5yo brother is laughing his bum off (just to clarify its jokes and what not about things on tv or other situations NEVER about him...just wanted to make that clear ) or he will have kids making fun of him and he thinks they want to be his friends and so on...he will NEVER look you in the eye period...you can be right in front of him asking him to look at you and he won't till you guide him to look at you in the eyes...but anyways...

its the social situations that are bothering me...its to the point that they are picking on him and he just doesn't get it...his 2yo brother sits and yells at the other kids defending his brother at the school whenever we go and help out...and honestly it REALLY bothers me that he gets picked on so much, but it doesn't seem to bother him...like i said before he thinks these kids are trying to play with him...and i'm scared that if it goes on for too long it will end up with really awkward situations and my son getting hurt because he honestly doesn't understand that he can't go and play with those kids...

i want to pull him out of school so that i can help him understand some of these things and help him learn and grow with out all the negativity he gets from other kids at school, but am afraid that once i take him out and try to hs that he won't see home as a 'school' but as a place to play...does that make sense? and i'm not sure if i'm just overreacting because of the social situations and if i should just leave him in b/c he is learning wonderfully with this teacher! and i'm worried that if i hs him that he will get discouraged b/c his younger brother will surpass him at school...

so i guess what i want is some feedback from you all to see what your thoughts are on homeschooling or keeping him in public school right now..

[Twocoolboys]

Have you looked into play/occupational therapy through the school? I know our school offers this kind of therapy for kids. I'd talk to the teacher and see what you need to do to get him involved with a trained therapist.

I, personally, would be hesitant to pull him out. If all else is going well at the school, I would look into additional help for him. I'm not sure how pulling him out of a situation that he needs help and practice with would teach him how to be successful in those situations.

[Jenlaana]

I would try what you can with the school, since its obvious that you like everything about the situation other than this. Talk to the teacher, the guidance counselor, the school psychologist, and whatever administrator (principal/vp/etc) is the most available to students. See if you can get something together to check him out with them. If you cant get their cooperation on it and it continues, I would definitely consider pulling them out.

[almama]

The fact that the kids are picking on him would get me, no matter what his diagnosis. Have you had a conversation with the school about how they handle bullying and unkind behavior? Without more information, it seems the kids that are taunting need to be addressed and perhaps are more friendly culture built up in the school.

BTW, we are recent PS entrants and LOVE homeschooling, but if all things outside these kids are working for your son, it may be worth it to try to address the culture there. If it doesn't work, then you may want to look into other options (homeschooling, part-time schooling, etc.).

Best of luck.

[kmeyrick]

As a teacher, I would hesitate to take a kid out of school if he has any inkling of Asberger's. The reason being that is taking him out won't fix the core issues- he needs to socialize. And children with on the autistic spectrum need plenty of practice, not just direct instruction. He could become more and more uncomfortable with other kids because he doesn't see them often enough. If other kids are picking on him, they can be taught how to treat someone with a disability. That's something they need to learn, too. Also, I think you may be right in that he'll view home as play time- children with a.s. find environments and contexts very rigid- school is for learning, home is for play, car is for radio time, etc. I've worked with a lot of a.s. kids and we try to socialize them as early as possible as soon as possible. What the teacher ought to try is when a conflict between your ds and another child arises, she explains why the other child is upset. "He doesn't like it when you take the crayons from him because he was using them." Also, she needs to help the other kid how to handle the situation. "You need to tell him nicely you are using them, and give him a crayon you don't need." I wouldn't take him out of school. Practice will make perfect.

[gillibean]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

The reason being that is taking him out won't fix the core issues- he needs to socialize. And children with on the autistic spectrum need plenty of practice, not just direct instruction.

Having a son with PDD-NOS, the practice he gets with socializing at school is one of my biggest reasons for keeping him there. Would it be easier to protect him from bullies if I homeschooled him? Probably, for now. However, at some point in his life he will have to deal with other people who may be rude and inconsiderate. I'd like him to develop the necessary skills sooner rather than later. I should add that in our community there really isn't much for kids to do so school is really the only place to meet and make friends.

I think that it's important to voice your concerns to the teacher or school administration. The children who are participating in the bullying need to understand that their behaviour is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. It's better for them to learn that now than in 10 years or never at all.

Good luck with your decision. I know how hard it can be. I almost kept DS home last year in SK (more to do with the teacher though). This year is so much better though and I think he's really getting a lot out of being at school.

[aussiemum]

My first question after reading your post (without reading further) is, 'Why is the school allowing 'bullying' on any level, much less against an Aspergers child who doesn't really 'get' the joke?' Your DS may be learning heaps from his teacher, but why is bullying allowed at the school? If it is to the point where a two-year-old recognises injustice, then surely it is a fairly serious example, yes? Personally I think I would be looking for a different public school. GOod luck mama. Off to read the rest of the responses now.

[kmeyrick]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

My first question after reading your post (without reading further) is, 'Why is the school allowing 'bullying' on any level, much less against an Aspergers child who doesn't really 'get' the joke?' Your DS may be learning heaps from his teacher, but why is bullying allowed at the school? If it is to the point where a two-year-old recognises injustice, then surely it is a fairly serious example, yes? Personally I think I would be looking for a different public school. GOod luck mama. Off to read the rest of the responses now.

It may not be that the school is "allowing it" so much as learning NOT to bully doesn't happen over night. Young children, particularly at age two, are learning to share, play gently, be kind, etc. and often they don't start off that way. What exactly is going on with the bullying? Would the OP be willing to share examples? Because most two year olds are really just learning what is socially appropriate, and they generally don't start off that way. Keep in mind that at this age, they're only capable of seeing things from their own point of view- empathy is developed as they get older and their neurons and synapses mature.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

As a teacher, I would hesitate to take a kid out of school if he has any inkling of Asberger's. The reason being that is taking him out won't fix the core issues- he needs to socialize. And children with on the autistic spectrum need plenty of practice, not just direct instruction. He could become more and more uncomfortable with other kids because he doesn't see them often enough. If other kids are picking on him, they can be taught how to treat someone with a disability. That's something they need to learn, too. Also, I think you may be right in that he'll view home as play time- children with a.s. find environments and contexts very rigid- school is for learning, home is for play, car is for radio time, etc. I've worked with a lot of a.s. kids and we try to socialize them as early as possible as soon as possible. What the teacher ought to try is when a conflict between your ds and another child arises, she explains why the other child is upset. "He doesn't like it when you take the crayons from him because he was using them." Also, she needs to help the other kid how to handle the situation. "You need to tell him nicely you are using them, and give him a crayon you don't need." I wouldn't take him out of school. Practice will make perfect.

I respectfully disagree with this, almost entirely. First of all, homeschooling does not mean the end of socialization. It can be as much or as little as you want. There are plenty, and I mean PLENTY, of opportunities to practice sharing crayons and playing with kids and taking turns. I can't imagine that any teacher in a public school setting is going to have nearly enough time to address every single issue that arises between your son and other children. But you will, even while your child is at playgroups, classes, and all the other opportunities out there for homeschooling children.

I don't have a child with Aspergers myself, but I do have friends who have children with various social/behavioral issues. Two of them chose to homeschool AND address the issues through private play therapy groups, carefully monitored social interactions, learning to recognize what kind of social situations do and don't work for the child, helping to build confidence in the areas that do work for the child, and so on. Neither of them ignored the issue by choosing to homeschool. It is in fact the opposite. They realized that the only way they could address it in the way most beneficial to their child was to not be in a forced school setting.

One of my friends who had a child with some social issues chose to homeschool after a disastrious preschool experience, but after a year realized it just wasn't working for them. Left to his own devices, her son would choose to play alone 24/7. He only tolerated adult company, and had no interest in having friends. The times she did try to set up playdates it was disastrous because he just couldn't relate to kids his own age. My friend was very worried about him, and felt that it was an unhealthy situation. She found a very small (7 kids in each class) private school that specialized in gifted children, and also the behaviors that very often are part of academic giftedness. Her son has blossomed in that environment.

I really want to address the whole "practice makes perfect" thing. Right now, the kids are teasing him, and he is completely unable to relate to them. It sounds to me like he is getting a lot of practice in being teased, and in not being able to make friends. In this sense, practice may really make it perfect, in that at some point it very well may be affecting him, and the damage done to his self esteem could be great. Being able to practice on his own timeframe, with help from you (and possibly other professionals - you can still take advantage of the resources even if you are hs'ing), and with control over who he's with, etc. - that kind of practice really might be beneficial to him.

We do homeschool, but I am not anti-school. I've always said that there is a 50/50 chance that my son will go to school someday, so my thoughts on this are not because I am biased against school in favor of homeschooling. My response to this is based on how I would feel if my son was in your son's situation, and I would not hesitate to take him out of school. I feel like 5, 6, and 7 are just way too young for some kids to be forced to figure these things out for themselves. Their lives should not be stressful and hard. They should be joyful and creative. That doesn't mean that they don't face difficulties or work to learn things. But reading your post broke my heart, and I honestly couldn't imagine witnessing that with my own child and leaving him there. Homeschooling doesn't mean the end of socialization, far from it. But it does mean that you can be present and work with your child to help him learn to function more appropriately in social situations, based on what works for him.