oh my god...i cannot stop bawling my eyes out... 
: here i am, 39 wx pg tomorrow... so i make this really great dinner for megh and i before we were to head out to this domestic abuse survivors support group for mamas (and for our kids in another room) at our local domestic violence support organization.
now i'm so upset i cannot remember what my goal was as far as being on time but i THINK i was aiming for 6:10pm as i KNOW that is when they are firm about closing their doors. so that is what i was going on since i missed the 6pm time. (at this point i don't know now if group started at 6pm or 6:10pm...i think i was just going on that 6:10pm the doors were shut or at least you aren't welcome in the group that week...)
so i drove into the lot saying yay megh we made it!!! i jammed to get there...takes about 10 minutes or so. the lot was full of cars so i had to be creative and just parked in the dirt lot right next to the asphalt lot of this place. we were so excited to be going to a place for healing our hearts...megh didn't go w/ me last week as she had strep and had just started her antibiotics... i could have sworn that our group last week didn't begin 'sharing' 'til 6:10pm. maybe i'm wrong... i DO have prego brain... totally. i'm so upset right now i don't know what is up and what isn't. all i know is i thought we were on time and ok... i think i was just focused on group not beginning til 6:10pm as there was this leeway time of lets wait til 10 after to make sure all the women are there who will be in group that week. probably what i WAS going on, some sort of late group happenings last week that i developed into a habit in my brain cuz that is what was norm for my first time...my bad for 'assuming' its always like that. there is always another leader of the group/volunteer...its a rotating basis.
so i buzz the front door...they never intercom and ask who i am....i could be some abusive ex looking for their wife or something...they just open the door...it was the leader of the group i assumed. i started to hand her a donation of baby clothes i didn't want and she said to bring it to the childcare area...fine. she said group had just started...i said oh no...really? hmmm i said am i supposed to bring megh around the side door to that area (i saw a sign on the door i hadn't noticed before about it...)? she said yes then come back around to this door again and buzz.fine. so i brought megh over there, buzzed that door, and they let me in buzzing me in. we walk into this dark hall w/ childrens handprints down the wall, which gave me the willies...why would the hall be so dark and w/out lights on? that is not safe nor welcoming...i found that chilling and disturbing...
so we get to the childcare room and this woman opens the door and says looking down at megh, 'who's this?' kind of nice and welcoming... i said "this is meghan". knowing i had to get to my group, that the leader was waiting for me to arrive back, i asked this woman at the childcare door entry if i should sign megh in (i saw a clipboard w/ names and such on the counter there...)...i was in a hurry and yet wanted to do right. so she starts saying as she looks at her watch that it was 6:12pm and i said 'what?' not real rude but surprised and i said 'my cell phone said i was on time, it was before 6:10pm.......' i went to reach in my pocket and then realized it was in the car so i said 'oh its in the car......' then this other younger woman says 'yeah, my watch says 6:13pm........' and i wanted to tell her where she could put HER watch. i felt ganged up on. meanwhile there is this retarded looking older man w/ some tag looking at megh and i and all the kids are sitting at this tiny low table staring at us like what is going on and i'm thinking wtf?! i said to the both women, 'i just don't get it, my cell phone is always the right time, your time must be different, i thought i was ok and on time........' and i was obviously upset. i just wanted to go to my group...i wasn't yelling, just trying to prove my point. then the woman at the door says to me 'look, i don't want to get into an argument with you......' and i just was feeling SO completely humilated so i said 'megh. lets GO' and took her hand gently and firmly and we left. megh was by my side the whole time feeling very shy and timid...........it all felt so 'dark' in there...the energy of this woman and the other one, they were so unwelcoming to ME, the mom, the woman......i was so happy to be in this sanctuary for women and children who have been abused and here this woman was, for all i know about abuse and projection, putting it on ME that *i* was trying to argue. no, not argue but trying to make a point that watches are all different and cell phones are from a satellite or whtever, right.............i was so upset.: so i start crying on teh way out, saying i'm so sorry megh..........and i'm buckling her up and then the leader of the woman's group walks outside and i don't know what she said but i said 'i don't know who that woman is in there and who the other younger one is but they were SO RUDE to me!!! i am so humiliated!!!' and i quickly went thru the scenario and asked who she was and the leader said she didn't know yet who i was referrring to and that she was sorry that happened and she hoped we'd come back...............yeah right. i never want to go there again. i felt so unwelcome,misunderstood, ganged up upon, projected upon and.......... i just couldn't believe that woman in childcare said what she said about 'look. i don't want to get into an argument about this' like i was even TRYING to start one. i was just trying to prove a point and to get past all the time talk and get megh into childcare and me into my darn group is all. man. i feel like i'm justified yet i cried the whole ride home...really loud sobbing cries. and then once i got in the door of our condo too.........keeled over the birth ball sobbing w/ snot running out of my nose....like a little girl blamed for something she is not at fault about...or at least whom shouldn't be made to feel so 'small' about something she innocently was in the midst of.
maybe this seems trivial to most of you but omg this really hurt my heart tonight. i go there all vulnerable in the first place, and i just feel i didn't deserve that sh*tty comment from whomever that woman was in the childcare room. i called my mom the ride home sobbing and she said call the manager or director in the morning. that they need to know about this. this does not feel like a safe space i can go to anymore. i just feel so dissed. it reminded me of how tom would turn stuff around onto me...typical abuser. yeah i can be assertive, i can be.....and i was only trying to tell these women that MY phone time was earlier than their watch times........ i'm humiliated and embarassed for megh. she must think her mama doesn't get along w/ anyone. i'm starting to think there is something wrong w/ ME. i feel so alone!!!!!!
well megh wants to go into the hot tub.........that will probably be nice. i feel so damn alone and misunderstood by so many people thruout my life so far........i'm so sad. sorry this is so long and if you have read this all, thank you for caring and it means the world to me. its nice to be able to process and vent my feelings on here knowing i'm being 'heard' as well, not just putting it down in a journal for just myself....that feels too lonely for me......i was alone so much of my childhood that that just isn't enough for me sometimes.....i need to really be 'seen' and 'heard'. anyway. gonna go soak. someone please tell me i'm not a freak and i am not wrong in how i was treated.:
: here i am, 39 wx pg tomorrow... so i make this really great dinner for megh and i before we were to head out to this domestic abuse survivors support group for mamas (and for our kids in another room) at our local domestic violence support organization.now i'm so upset i cannot remember what my goal was as far as being on time but i THINK i was aiming for 6:10pm as i KNOW that is when they are firm about closing their doors. so that is what i was going on since i missed the 6pm time. (at this point i don't know now if group started at 6pm or 6:10pm...i think i was just going on that 6:10pm the doors were shut or at least you aren't welcome in the group that week...)
so i drove into the lot saying yay megh we made it!!! i jammed to get there...takes about 10 minutes or so. the lot was full of cars so i had to be creative and just parked in the dirt lot right next to the asphalt lot of this place. we were so excited to be going to a place for healing our hearts...megh didn't go w/ me last week as she had strep and had just started her antibiotics... i could have sworn that our group last week didn't begin 'sharing' 'til 6:10pm. maybe i'm wrong... i DO have prego brain... totally. i'm so upset right now i don't know what is up and what isn't. all i know is i thought we were on time and ok... i think i was just focused on group not beginning til 6:10pm as there was this leeway time of lets wait til 10 after to make sure all the women are there who will be in group that week. probably what i WAS going on, some sort of late group happenings last week that i developed into a habit in my brain cuz that is what was norm for my first time...my bad for 'assuming' its always like that. there is always another leader of the group/volunteer...its a rotating basis.
so i buzz the front door...they never intercom and ask who i am....i could be some abusive ex looking for their wife or something...they just open the door...it was the leader of the group i assumed. i started to hand her a donation of baby clothes i didn't want and she said to bring it to the childcare area...fine. she said group had just started...i said oh no...really? hmmm i said am i supposed to bring megh around the side door to that area (i saw a sign on the door i hadn't noticed before about it...)? she said yes then come back around to this door again and buzz.fine. so i brought megh over there, buzzed that door, and they let me in buzzing me in. we walk into this dark hall w/ childrens handprints down the wall, which gave me the willies...why would the hall be so dark and w/out lights on? that is not safe nor welcoming...i found that chilling and disturbing...
so we get to the childcare room and this woman opens the door and says looking down at megh, 'who's this?' kind of nice and welcoming... i said "this is meghan". knowing i had to get to my group, that the leader was waiting for me to arrive back, i asked this woman at the childcare door entry if i should sign megh in (i saw a clipboard w/ names and such on the counter there...)...i was in a hurry and yet wanted to do right. so she starts saying as she looks at her watch that it was 6:12pm and i said 'what?' not real rude but surprised and i said 'my cell phone said i was on time, it was before 6:10pm.......' i went to reach in my pocket and then realized it was in the car so i said 'oh its in the car......' then this other younger woman says 'yeah, my watch says 6:13pm........' and i wanted to tell her where she could put HER watch. i felt ganged up on. meanwhile there is this retarded looking older man w/ some tag looking at megh and i and all the kids are sitting at this tiny low table staring at us like what is going on and i'm thinking wtf?! i said to the both women, 'i just don't get it, my cell phone is always the right time, your time must be different, i thought i was ok and on time........' and i was obviously upset. i just wanted to go to my group...i wasn't yelling, just trying to prove my point. then the woman at the door says to me 'look, i don't want to get into an argument with you......' and i just was feeling SO completely humilated so i said 'megh. lets GO' and took her hand gently and firmly and we left. megh was by my side the whole time feeling very shy and timid...........it all felt so 'dark' in there...the energy of this woman and the other one, they were so unwelcoming to ME, the mom, the woman......i was so happy to be in this sanctuary for women and children who have been abused and here this woman was, for all i know about abuse and projection, putting it on ME that *i* was trying to argue. no, not argue but trying to make a point that watches are all different and cell phones are from a satellite or whtever, right.............i was so upset.
: so i start crying on teh way out, saying i'm so sorry megh..........and i'm buckling her up and then the leader of the woman's group walks outside and i don't know what she said but i said 'i don't know who that woman is in there and who the other younger one is but they were SO RUDE to me!!! i am so humiliated!!!' and i quickly went thru the scenario and asked who she was and the leader said she didn't know yet who i was referrring to and that she was sorry that happened and she hoped we'd come back...............yeah right. i never want to go there again. i felt so unwelcome,misunderstood, ganged up upon, projected upon and.......... i just couldn't believe that woman in childcare said what she said about 'look. i don't want to get into an argument about this' like i was even TRYING to start one. i was just trying to prove a point and to get past all the time talk and get megh into childcare and me into my darn group is all. man. i feel like i'm justified yet i cried the whole ride home...really loud sobbing cries. and then once i got in the door of our condo too.........keeled over the birth ball sobbing w/ snot running out of my nose....like a little girl blamed for something she is not at fault about...or at least whom shouldn't be made to feel so 'small' about something she innocently was in the midst of.maybe this seems trivial to most of you but omg this really hurt my heart tonight. i go there all vulnerable in the first place, and i just feel i didn't deserve that sh*tty comment from whomever that woman was in the childcare room. i called my mom the ride home sobbing and she said call the manager or director in the morning. that they need to know about this. this does not feel like a safe space i can go to anymore. i just feel so dissed. it reminded me of how tom would turn stuff around onto me...typical abuser. yeah i can be assertive, i can be.....and i was only trying to tell these women that MY phone time was earlier than their watch times........ i'm humiliated and embarassed for megh. she must think her mama doesn't get along w/ anyone. i'm starting to think there is something wrong w/ ME. i feel so alone!!!!!!
well megh wants to go into the hot tub.........that will probably be nice. i feel so damn alone and misunderstood by so many people thruout my life so far........i'm so sad. sorry this is so long and if you have read this all, thank you for caring and it means the world to me. its nice to be able to process and vent my feelings on here knowing i'm being 'heard' as well, not just putting it down in a journal for just myself....that feels too lonely for me......i was alone so much of my childhood that that just isn't enough for me sometimes.....i need to really be 'seen' and 'heard'. anyway. gonna go soak. someone please tell me i'm not a freak and i am not wrong in how i was treated.
:
sigh..................... i hate to say this but i now hope that woman feels like a jerk.
I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to go to a new group like that, and it's awful that they acted like that.
thank you grace... i will find that perfect group... i'm now embarassed that i just bolted out of there- but i wanted to protect megh and that kicked in big time, and i didn't like how this woman was talking to me. i didn't want to say anything more she would attack me about. no woman should have to feel they are so unwelcome or a nuisance or wrong or whatever in a place like that. she was being indirect and if you ask me, on a roll trying to make me wrong. weird.
