Mom Doesn't Want to Celebtrate Her B-Day

[IndyNanny]

My brother was killed in a motorcycle accident at the end of June. His Birthday
is /was December 17, Mom's is the 19th. She told my sister that she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday. I know, of course, why Mom feels this way and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I told my sister that I had thought we could celebrate quietly. Take dinner over to our parent's house, I don't know. I just feel like these events aren't just for ourselves anymore, but a chance for us to be together. To show that we can go on with living. I understand how my Mom feels, though. I really wish that the holidays would just not happen. I can feel the anxiety level just going through the roof. I know that she thought of her birthday because mine is coming up and will begin a 4 month string of birthdays. My other concern is what to do to honor my brother's birthday? Thanks.

[NullSet]

I'm so sorry about your brother. I would probably honor her wishes. But I don't see how you bringing dinner over to her house for her is celebrating a birthday. Maybe she just doesn't want a lot of people around so only one person go over with dinner?

I hope you are able to find something to honor your brother on his day. Was there anything he was really passionate that you could do that day? Like if he loved football, go to a football game. Or if he loved a particular cause, donate a little something in his name? Also just getting together and talking about all the good things about him would be an idea too.

[IndyNanny]

It would be easier to take dinner over to her house than to get her to go out, I think. I just don't think she wants to be around a lot of other people, otherwise I'd suggest that we take her out for dinner or have her over to my house. I'll probably talk to my Dad as her birthday gets closer to get a better feel for what she might want to do.
You know that what I meant by taking dinner to her house was that we would have a family dinner at her house, right? I'm not talking about dropping food off and leaving. Do you mean that because we would be at her house, it's not celebrating for her? I'm just trying to think of low key, intimate things that will still center around her. I don't think I'm ok with the idea of just ignoring her birthday.
I hope that doesn't sound snarky, I don't mean it to be. Thanks for your reply.

[NullSet]

No, you're fine. I figured when you said take dinner over I assumed buy dinner somewhere, take it over with your sister and sit there and eat with your mom and dad. No big shin-dig, just the immediate family eating a nice meal together.

[applejuice]

She is mourning, and this is a normal reaction...s to you for your loss and your own personal mourning time.

[gingerstar]

mama, I am so very sorry for your loss.

I think your idea is a good one, especially if you just emphasize that you want to be together. I know how a tragic loss can devastate a family, how hard it can be to draw together when you are all hurting.

I have tried to mark special days, too. I agree with honoring a loved one with donations to a charity which relates to them - for instance, if your brother loved motorcycles, Ride for Kids for the Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation might be a good way to honor him.... or if he had a favorite charity, etc. I also like to go somewhere to just spend time thinking about my loved one, maybe somewhere we had been together, or out for a treat they loved, you get the idea.... My dad is buried 1000 miles away, for instance, so I can't visit his grave, but I can go to the park we had been to together....

Perhaps you can find a gentle way to honor your mom on your brother's birthday? Being a mom has given me such a different perspective on birthdays, and I can only imagine what a special, bittersweet, painful day that will be for her.

The Compassionate Friends may be a source of support and comfort for your parents as they cope with this loss....

Big again, this is a hard time of year to be grieving, especially with the birthdays too...

[Cherie2]

oh birthdays..

My mom had a stroke last month ... while she was in the hospital my brother had his birthday ... we made sure that in mom's honor we celebrated for him. It was not much - a couple of éclairs in the family room at the hospital ... but it was to honor him on the day of his birth.. that day they told us mom was not going to live. It was the saddest day of our lives but it was important to still honor my brother for being born. We were especially happy that day for the fact that he was born. Mom died 2 days later.

My sister had her birthday yesterday ... we all gathered at her house and looked at pictures of the old days and laughed and cried. We miss our mom very much. I will never try to compare that to the pain of loosing a child, but we were together none the less. We cried as we cut the cake because it is tradition in our family that mom cuts the first slice with her child.

But it was important to honor my sister on the day she was born. And it was so comforting to have people around that love each-other, and that love mom. If you can convince her that you just want to honor the day she was born and how much you appreciate the fact that she was, maybe she will open up to the idea.... I hope so.

[IndyNanny]

Thank you, ladies for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate your thoughts.

[DragonflyBlue]

This will be the first birthday your brother is not alive for. Your mother's birthday is two days after his.

As a mother who has lost a child I can tell you that my bithdays really don't matter any more. That first birthday of mine was hard. I kept thinking about all the things my late daughter used to do for me... Thinking about how we used to celebrate as a whole family. We were no longer whole...

My daughter's birthday is hell. The days leading up to it, I think about how X many years ago, she was safe inside me. All the birthdays we shared with her... How her eyes lit up as she blew out the candles.

It's just so damn hard...

My daughter's birthday is December 28. We still celebrate it. Sometimes we have a cake. Sometimes we go to the cemetery and light off a sparkler or other small firework, one for each year she would be. We sing happy birthday to her. Balloon releases are good if you live in a warmer area. Balloons and cold December weather make for balloons that don't float.

Your loss is so recent. Your mom is still most likely very numb, still in a bit of shock. For myself and many other grieving parents the 18 month mark seems to be the absolute worst. The numbness has worn off, you've hit all the firsts without your child and the reality of the rest of your life without your child sets in. After that, it slowly starts to heal a bit more.

It's been almost five years for me and I still have days where I fight back the tears. Today, I should have been going shopping for T day dinner with my older girls. Rissy should have been planning which pies to bake..

Mothers are a special breed. We have a lifetime of memories stored in our hearts and minds. When that is so brutally taken away from us it leaves us with a gaping wound that never heals. It scabs over, but the scab tears off so easily and leaves us grieving mess once again. We have no memories to create with this child. No more tomorrows. No more will our child (no matter what the age they were) bound through the door yelling "Het mooooooom! Guess what?"

We build our families, each child carves out a space in our heart. When that child dies a part of us dies with them.

We won't ever be the same person we were before. Our lives are split in two. Our life with our child and our new life without him or her. We have to find a new sense of normal. Find our way on our new path and it won't happen in weeks or months. Grieving is a lifelong process. We will always be grieving. The grief will just be softened around the edges with time.

If you have photos of your brother, maybe you could make a memory book for your mom? I know one thing I cherish most is a book of other peoples memories about my daughter. They all wrote their favorite memory of time spent with her and it's compiled into a book that I can read.

Be gentle with yourself, with your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss...